Decadent Evil

      Now we come to the big boy of this collection. The whole reason I bought this DVD set and started this blog in the first place. Clocking in at only 67 minutes and not rated but with “adult situations, nudity, and violence”, the one, the only... Decadent Evil! Word for word from the back of the case: “a vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin -part human/part reptile- in a bird cage”. This is going to be so terrible I need to re-fill my drink already.

      Marvin is some kind of puppet! A poorly worked puppet at that. At least I assume that was Marvin, he's only on screen for about five seconds before we start in on some legend about a vampire named Ash. And these are Interview With The Vampire style vampires, all pompous looking. Anyway, Ash gets offed by someone but it turns out one of his vampire children came across the Atlantic to America looking to start her own clan. Also, Phil Fondacaro, who has previously appeared in both Evil Bong and Meridian and pretty much splits the work for male midgets in Hollywood right down the middle with Danny Woodburn, is in this as well. He's the top billed star. Nothing against the guy 'cause he's far more successful than I'll ever be, but if he's your top billed actor... things aren't looking up for your movie. That wasn't meant to be a short joke but then it kinda became one halfway through. I'm a terrible person. He's the voice of the narrator so far and, I assume, that's the voice of Marvin since the story would only seem to involve that male lead. Although Marvin was definitely a puppet or model of some kind and not an actor in make-up so maybe he was just paid to read the lines and go home. Wise choice if that is the case.

      After some rather impressive credits, we go right into the strip club where some greasy douche is trying to convince his date to come into the club with him. She seems reluctant but he tells her it's not as sleazy as it looks (it definitely is) and uses the line “after that dinner I bought you, and the cover charge? You're not going to make me eat that too, are you?” High class. I don't know why he's still on the dating scene at all, ladies need to lock up a winner like him.

      The strip club DJ just said “tipping is not a country in China”. That was probably on purpose, but... my god. More booze.

      Still as charming as ever, douche-bag of the year ignores his date's pleas to go home and gets her a lap dance from one of the strippers. It's okay, though, it was on the house and she seems to enjoy it so, you know... I guess ignoring when a girl says she wants to stop something and go home is rewarded? This is starting to sound like Meridian again.

      The lap dance is over but the stripper invites them both back to a party at a really high class looking mansion. This is a scene out of porn... but also something I think I've seen in horror before too. Anyway, we all know where this is going, of course, but let's see how it gets there. The girl is still a bit creeped out by the bedroom being lit by only a bunch of candles (and also some red lights, I guess, since that's what everything's tinted), but Douchy McDouchenstien keeps trying to convince her to go through with it and she eventually goes along with it. The two girls start messing around a bit with the guy just watching... and then another girl shows up and the stripper invites her to join. The guy is loving it (he still thinks he's in a porn), but then the newest girl slits his throat and drinks his blood. His day went from great to awful rather quickly. The girl gets away (for now), though, and runs through the house in her underwear while the stripper (who is also a vampire, in case you didn't guess) and the second girl are busy with their prey. I'm also pretty sure this was supposed to be a porn script in its first incarnation (start with a strip club full of nudity, proceed to a mansion and bedroom where what starts as a threesome ends in a foursome, vampire stuff happens, girl runs naked rather than in her underwear, etc), but somehow got re-done like this. If not... well it really should have.

      Marvin the poorly animated puppet makes another appearance! Underwear Blonde finds him in his cage and he turns out to be all of like a foot tall. Vampire lady then bites and kills her, but the real question here is: Marvin's that size and he's her ex-lover? Damn, that dude's punching above his weight class. Anyway, I guess they only need “three more”. And there's a “sister” (another vampire) to the stripper. Then a cut to another chick and some other random douche fucking.

      She gets up to leave afterwards and they talk like they're boyfriend and girlfriend and are making plans for the future. Maybe she's not a vampire and is supposed to be the heroine of the story? Time will tell.

      Okay, she is a vampire. But only a new vampire and she's in conflict with her “mom” because she's having “a relationship” with the mortal douche who looks like he should've been singing for Sugar Ray ten years ago. As blonde and cute and innocent as she's supposed to look (never mind that the first time she's on camera she's mid-fuck and how that might take away some of that “innocent” schtick), she just said “but it feels so right” when talking about her relationship. I can no longer like her character.

      Mom vampire tells her to stay away from that boy because she's “not punishing her, she's protecting her”. That always works well for any parent/authority figure in any movie or real life situation ever. Then mom Morella tells the story of Marvin and why she's “never again going to be subservient to mortal man”. Turns out he used to be a normal guy but then she found him cheating on her so she killed the other woman and turned him into the half-lizard/half-puppet he is now. Because vampires can do that. Why not?

      Apple ad placement, the first stripper is using a laptop with the Apple logo prominently displayed. Looks like Charles Band sold out in order to pay for this one. Although I suppose you need some corporate sponsorship in order to pay for the girls to go fully nude in the strip club (but not the bedroom scene when the real “actors” were involved) like they had. “Apple computers: paying for girls to get naked since 2005.”

      Anyway, she's on there chatting with some random guy in that generic chat program that shows up in every movie but isn't MSN or Yahoo or anything like that and looks just like she's typing in a word document. You know the one. So yeah, she's trying to arrange a meeting with “STUDBOY” (his actual screen name) by saying they should meet tonight. He then responds by saying he “doesn't know how much longer he can wait”. Sharp as a sack full of wet hammers this one. He finally clues in the second time she tells him tonight, and the agree to meet at the Full Moon Motel at midnight. She then says (out loud, not online so he would know it, mind you) “[she'll] do the ravaging, if you don't mind” even though there's been no mention of the word “ravaging” until now. Continuity!

      Sugar Ray wakes up to a knock at his door and it turns out to be Phil Fondacaro. Guess he's not supposed to be Marvin's voice, he's an investigator. A VAMPIRE INVESTIGATOR! He's been on the trail of these vampires since he was a kid because of what they did to his father. Then there's some back story that adds to the vampire mythos and we get an understanding of why Morella said “only three more”. Sugar Ray is convinced vampires exist and his girlfriend and her co-workers are some within a few minutes. But to be fair, Phil Fondacaro was wearing a fedora and trench coat while he explained it to him. Anyone sounds more convincing in a fedora and trench coat. Especially Phil Fondacaro.

      So “STUDBOY” turns out to be... not as he described himself online. I believe this is the first ever recorded incident of someone pretending to be someone they are not over the internet. The authorities must be alerted post haste! Good thing vampire/stripper “doesn't care about looks” and gets right down to business. That business being drinking his blood, obviously. Stupid STUDBOY, don't you know the internet can never be trusted?

      Phil Fondacaro is going all CSI on Sugar Ray's place. Using some random explanation that I can't be bothered to listen to, he's got a magic cross that points out where the vampires have been because they leave a trace on all their victims. It points to the bedroom. Just to the bag she left behind, though. Good thing it's not a black light, amirite?

      Mom vampire shows up and scolds stripper vampire for taking a victim she didn't get a chance to steal the soul of. Turns out this “daughter” is rebelling as well and doesn't want to be under her mom's thumb anymore. Doesn't work that way, though. Morella gets her way and tells stripper vampire to go find a new victim for her.

      In the meantime Sugar Ray and Phil Fondacaro show up to the mansion to confront his girlfriend about being a vampire. She admits it but hustles him out of there because Morella would hurt him. Phil decides it's time to get things done but Sugar Ray wants to go save his girl before all the vampire killing goes down. Phil relents (possibly because it would be hard for him to physically stop Sugar Ray anyway), and shakes a salt shaker full of garlic over Sugar Ray because, even though vampires do hate garlic, this bloodline can't smell it and it'll mask the scent of being mortal for about ten minutes. Because why not, at this point.

      Blonde girlfriend vampire just called Sugar Ray “Tex”. His name is Tex. That's probably more of a joke than me calling him Sugar Ray this whole time.

      Sugar Ray tries to save Blondie while she's only wearing a towel because he's “willing to take the chance if she is” that Morella would hunt her down if she survived Phil Fondacaro and came looking for her. A patented James Bond “one kiss and she'll do anything you want” later, and Blondie is packing her bags.

     Cut to stripper vampire bringing home a female prostitute (we know she's a prostitute because she says “now that you've got me home, do you want to tell me what kind of job this is?” while dressed in lingerie) to be the promised victim for Morella. I'm going to backtrack on my original theory that this whole movie was supposed to be a porn and say that, since the Sugar Ray-Phil Fondacaro-Blondie side of the story has not interacted with the Morella-stripper vampire-Marvin side of the story except for that one scene where Blondie is talking to Morella and then feeds Marvin, these were two different movies mashed up as one. The porn side had stripper vampire and Morella in it while the other side had a D-grade movie about Phil Fondacaro and Sugar Ray chasing vampires and trying to save Sugar Ray's girlfriend. Anyway, back to the actual scene. There's some terrible dialogue and the whore ends up handcuffed to the bed and topless asking for “another forty bucks” while Morella and stripper vampire say they want Blondie to be part of this too. Also, Marvin seems to have made his poorly animated way out of his cage and is making a play for the hooker while the others are out of the room.

      Blondie gets caught running away with Sugar Ray by stripper vampire (another ridiculously awesome sentence I never thought I'd get to write before these movies) and says “it's going to be nice watching [Morella] give it to your ass for once”. This was definitely a porno at some point. Uh-oh, the garlic seems to be wearing off as she starts to smell mortal... but ignores it and takes Blondie to see Morella.

      Now Marvin is poking his head over the side of the bed and going for the hooker's tits. She doesn't scream or anything, just slightly struggles until Morella comes and picks him up and puts him back into his cage. Now, I'm no expert, but even as a hooker that's been picked up by another girl, brought home to a mansion without being told what she was doing, introduced to another girl, and then handcuffed to a bed... don't you think having a miniature “part lizard” (the puppet doesn't actually look too much like a lizard at all, kinda more like a person that's had their skin burned off... I'm a terrible person) appear on the side of the bed and then start licking your tits would get you to at least scream a little bit? That's pretty damn jaded to the world if it doesn't. After locking Marvin away Morella kills the hooker and gags because she was a smoker and her “skin is going to be parched for certain”. Also, just to point it out, there was no reason for her to take the top off the hooker earlier, but she did anyway. Gratuitous nudity for the... win?

      Now Morella is on the hunt for Sugar Ray. Phil Fondacaro still nowhere to be seen. Oh, sorry, I guess his name is “Dex”. Must have misheard it. That's why we haven't seen Phil for a while. He's suddenly inexplicably in the same room as Blondie and her sister vampire even though Morella (who Phil has been chasing and sworn to kill since he was a kid) was just there and he did nothing. Best politically incorrect laugh in this scene: Phil's standing two steps above the girls, vampire stripper's bent over at the waist mocking him, and she's still taller than he is. It's going to be an awesome scene in a few minutes when he kills her. I assume it's going to be quick, this movie has been going for a while and, like I said, 67 minutes.

      Now Phil's bragging about killing some other vampire and this scene isn't turning out as awesome as it should have. Pretty lame, actually, and stripper vampire's lame acting skills continue in her lack of ability to die properly. Although I guess for some reason her dying hurts Morella. That actually makes more sense than the choreography of the death scene (which I won't go into 'cause it's too anti-climatic).

      And now Morella is reciting nursery rhymes (“fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a... human”). Just terrible. To be fair, Sugar Ray has just been standing around doing nothing this whole time, he kinda deserves to hear that.

      Now instead of killing Blondie the vampire while she's looking at the remains of her friend (which is a lot of smoke, as was to be expected, but also... some hair? Why not?), Phil Fondacaro the vampire hunter talks to her for a while before taking the stake and advancing on her menacingly. Again, the size difference makes this a bit too comical for words considering: A) he's too good an actor to deserve this; B) she could take about two steps and be out of his reach for the rest of the movie; and C) ...really? I mean... just... come on! Phil gets distracted by Marvin, though, and Blondie takes about two minutes too long to make her escape. She makes it out anyway, though. Also, turns out Marvin is Phil's dad... I guess.

      Morella does a “villains talk too much” speech after she's caught Sugar Ray which includes more than a healthy dose of man-bashing (“you could never be faithful to her”, “you'd just break her heart, that's what men do”, “part reptile, slimy, little snakes”, etc). Then we cut back to Phil Fondacaro talking to Marvin the poorly animated puppet who apparently can't talk. Then Morella throws Sugar Ray into the bedroom where everyone else is and even she makes a short joke when re-introduced to Phil's character after 30 years (which was when she used to babysit him while she was banging his dad... again: the porn scenes just write themselves at this point).

      I'm... I'm just captivated by how bad the writing and acting are. For being the climax of the whole movie where good fights evil to the death... there's a damn lot of talking and nothing else going on right now. Although Morella does call out “Dex” for being a stupid-ass name, so props to that.

      Phil Fondacaro deserves an Academy Award for this performance. Not because it's a great performance (it's not) or because he's playing a well-written and well-developed character to its full potential (seriously, look at everything about this movie and try to say “well-written and well-developed” in the same sentence), but just because he now manages to talk to Marvin the poorly animated puppet through the bird cage like a son addressing his father with at least a little bit of genuine feeling without cracking up and telling everyone around him to fuck off while all the puppet does is bob back and forth while someone in the sound department makes grunting almost sex-like sounds for it. Seriously, if that's not acting ability to top all of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s movies combined let alone his win, I don't know what is.

      Phil then sucks something off of Marvin's claw (a euphemism for a gay scene in this porno that never was?), and lets Morella suck his blood and kill him. His last words being calling her a bitch, of course. Now she only needs one more for her immortality.

      Wait. All of a sudden Blondie and Sugar Ray are already running away somewhere even though they were standing there the whole time everything else was going on? The fuck? And then Morella shows up and says it's going to be her and Blondie on the cruise Blondie and Sugar Ray were planning. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention before we saw the impressive escape, Morella is now feeling the effects of whatever it was that Phil Fondacaro sucked off his dad's finger and transferred to her through his blood. Suddenly this porn became a public service announcement about using protection.

      And... that's it. Morella turns into a “female” version of Marvin. Then there's a scene of the two poorly animated puppets fucking, and the credits roll. Seriously? There are about a hundred different ways to end the movie just based on that scene never mind if there was better writing leading up to it, and that's all that happens? I am not impressed.

      Although, to be fair, the movie lived up to being as bad as I thought it would be, so there's that.

Meridian

      No horror movie collection would be complete without a haunted castle and medieval curse. Luckily, Meridian has decided to provide us with both in one 86 minute show. One member of the cast of which goes simply by the name “Charlie”, so that's promising.

      Circus performers emerging from a stone mouth lit from the inside by an unknown source with smoke coming out of it. No context for that and the next scene is set inside a church so good to see coherency is going to be a theme here. This is another one made in the late 80s/early 90s but they've gone all out with this one 'cause they have people actually speaking Italian for the first five minutes so you know where it's set. High class.

      The two main chicks look almost interchangeable except for their hairstyles. This might become difficult to tell them apart later on after the alcohol has taken over and started writing the review. Anyway, one of them has inherited the family castle and invited her friend over for the weekend but she can't stay too long because she's restoring the painting that was donated to the church from the second scene. The big stone face is back too, by the way. This time with a bunch of other stone statues around it on the grounds of the castle. The legend being an evil wizard turned his enemies to stone and placed them around his castle that he built out of a mountain... in the 14^th century. Why not? Oh, and the circus performers are now doing their show in public on the castle grounds as well. I guess it all ties together quite nicely already, silly me for doubting this masterpiece. Some creepy music and the girl restoring the painting (“Girl 1” from now on since we saw her first) gets volunteered to have knives thrown at her in the sideshow. She doesn't get hurt of course, this is still too early in the movie for that. The sideshow goes on with some magic tricks that you'd expect from a free sideshow, and the leader of the bunch stares creepily at Girl 2 (the owner of the castle). Girl 1 seems pretty smitten with the sideshow's leader and she invites him and the rest of the troupe over to the castle for dinner. That works out fine since Girl 2 seems pretty smitten too so she goes along with it. For being Italian, though, he sure doesn't have the right accent. He does already seem to be scheming a way to bone the two of them either together or separately. He's more than a little bit of a douche, but hey, why not swing for the fences, right?

      Magic Man made a cup disappear in mid-air at dinner, that'd be mildly impressive to see. Then he seems to have roofied Girl 2 (sorry, it was Girl 1 that got the major dose of roofies; I'm not even drunk yet and I'm making that mistake already). I'm not such a big fan of his style anymore. Anyway, Magic Man rips open Girl 1's shirt and leaves her rolling around on the table, then carries off Girl 2, who is starting to feel the roofies herself now, through a smoke filled door into a bedroom and strips her down too.

      After stripping Girl 2 down and then walking out of the room when she started to wake up and respond to him (guess he only goes for the comatose girls), he passes one of the other performers (who has always been wearing a mask) and says she's “all his, ready and willing”... assuming you forget she's only like that because he drugged her. Turns out the masked guy looks exactly like him so when he goes in to see Girl 2 she's still okay with it since it's like it was her first rapist and not some totally different guy date raping her. The first guy then goes and gets with Girl 1 who managed to get her shirt back on (for a few seconds at least) and move over to a fire place with a conveniently located couch right by it. At this point between the music, poor lighting, and the general feel of the scenes I think they're trying to make this like the cover of a romance novel or something cheesy like that. Doesn't change the fact that it was just an excuse to have two pretty hot girls completely naked for a few minutes on screen and that they've both been raped in a what's supposed to be a romantic way. Also, the two guys turned into wolf-like creatures while they were fucking the girls. So that kinda kills the whole “romance novel” motif they were going for... at least, it would've if Twilight hadn't made bestiality like that hot to the half of the female population that's not into necrophilia.

      The girls wake up thinking “something terrible may have happened” and that they “might have been drugged” and Girl 1 apologizes to Girl 2 for inviting the performers over so at least the movie is kinda admitting the rape thing. But they then decide that they can't go to the police about it and go about trying to move on so it's not really setting too good an example. Girl 2 does this “moving on” thing by sculpting, but then she wanders into an old closed off area of the castle and sees a girl with blood all over her dress lying in a bed. Running to get her housekeeper, they return to find the girl isn't there and that it's “just an old ghost story, every castle has one”.

      Now one of the rapists is back and meets Girl 2 as she's out on a walk. He tries to convince her to see him again, but she doesn't want to for some reason. Doesn't do anything about it, though, just tells him to leave her alone and then walks away. I guess we're sticking with the “rape can be casually swept under the rug” motif of this movie.

      The rapists then have a conversation where it's implied that they're supernaturally old and have done this whole thing before and that one of them is “good” (a relative term, all things considered) and the other is “bad” and that there's a chance that whatever curse/spell their under can be broken by the girls.

Back in the castle, Girl 2 sees the Girl In The White Dress again, and follows her into an empty room. That then has a wall open up and shows her one of the wolf rapists carrying the White Dress Girl into the bedroom just like he did to Girl 2. Girl 2 promptly faints. She wakes up with the housekeeper and another servant looking over her and she starts crying because she knows what happened to her. Also, it turns out the White Dress Girl was Girl 2's father's sister and the housekeeper knew this even though she'd been telling Girl 2 that it was just a legend since Girl 2 was a kid. Way to go, housekeeper, knowing stuff like this might've helped out a few days before so that she could've avoided traveling sideshows in the first place.

      You know, for a movie that involves medieval curses, ghosts, two girls getting naked, and werewolf rape, this is progressing rather slowly. And not in the “it's moving slowly because they're building up psychological tension that's going to erupt later on” or in the “silent, slow burning, dramatic” kind of way either. Just really, really slow going like it's trying to be some sort of classical period piece but just failing miserably. It already feels like it's been longer than 86 minutes and I'm betting (my DVD player doesn't have a counter on it) we're not even halfway through yet.

      One of the rapists suddenly appears in Girl 2's room out of nowhere. He slaps her, ties her up, and then starts trying to rape her again. His twin shows up in wolf form, though, and stops him before he can actually rape her. He does rip her shirt open and slap her unconscious again, though. Funny how the one does seem to only go for the girls when they're completely knocked out.

      Through this whole time Girl 1 has been working away to restore the painting. So far she's found that underneath there's another painting and it's of the castle and now she's found what looks to be Girl 2 and the rapist sitting out in the field below it. That'll likely mean something later. Same with the backstory that the rapists get into with another conversation they have. Something about how only someone who loves them can kill them. It's important to the story but I can't be bothered to listen, there's drinking to be done and this movie is terrible for entirely different reasons than the other movies on here.

      The “good” rapist brother shows up to Girl 2's room and tries to convince her to kill him. She doesn't want to for some reason, but she refuses to be leave when he tells her to run away and never come back. He then changes into beast-mode and runs off back through the secret magic wall. Girl 2 then cries about it and then goes to confession at church. Seems like the thing to do when confronted by a 400+ year old rapist who transforms into a creature so why not? Oh, and the priest tells her thank you for the painting that the lady of the castle donated... and then drops the bombshell that the housekeeper's been dead for six months. This is apparently enough to throw Girl 2 over the edge because she starts packing up to leave. Housekeeper ghost then gives Girl 2 a speech about truth and making decisions that ends with Girl 2 saying she loves her rapist. So yeah, I'll let that one sink in for you a bit.

      Girl 2 then gets dressed up in the fancy medieval looking dress she was admiring before and walks through the magic wall into a secret passageway. There she sees the “bad” rapist killing her aunt in a vision and the “good” rapist explains the whole story behind the curse to her. She then tells him that she loves him and they kiss. Although it turns out that he's the “bad” rapist after all so that's pretty predictable aside from the whole rape victim falling in love with her attacker side plot.

      They end up in a standoff with the “bad” rapist pointing a knife at Girl 2's throat, the “good” rapist pointing a cross bow at him but unable to shoot because he's not a killer (funny how that's the line he doesn't want to cross even after centuries of raping girls and wanting them to kill him to break this curse), and then Girl 1 showing up and standing there looking on at all this while the midget from the circus act (yes, their act had other people who have all disappeared until just now and even now only one's shown up) gets in a whip fight with the “good” rapist. There is a midget whip fighting a werewolf and this movie still sucks.

      Girl 1's sole purpose here seems to be handing the crossbow back to the werewolf after he's tossed the midget aside so he can shoot his brother a couple times with it. That is literally all she did in this scene. Aside from being another pair of tits to show onscreen and just there to prove that there were two of them (the rapists, not the tits... although that too, I suppose), she really doesn't serve much purpose in this movie at all. Anyway, turns out that just killing the “bad” brother is enough to break the curse so the “good” one is free and there's some garbage romance novel dialogue about how much they love each other and blah blah blah blah blah. The rest of the circus go back into the stone mouth and the “good” rapist and Girl 2 follow them. The end. Seriously, that's the end. Rape is rewarded with freedom from a curse and “true love”, the circus troupe goes back wherever they came from having suddenly made-up with the guy one of them was whipping not two minutes before, and Girl 1's whole part of the movie can be summed up as “get naked, hand werewolf crossbow”. She spends the rest of the time restoring a painting that, despite being a “major” plot point, contributes absolutely nothing to the actual story. That's kind of fitting, I suppose.

      But to get back to the main point this movie seems to want to make: rape is a legitimate way to solve your problems. Whether it's a centuries old curse you need to get out from under or just trying to find that true love you've always wanted, nothing like some good old fashioned rape to do the job. At least the other terrible movies on here don't try to teach you lessons like that.

Demonic Toys

      After two decent movies in a row, I'm really hoping this one ends up being as bad as some of the others. Otherwise the title of the blog just seems petty and mean-spirited as well as misleading. This is also the second movie from this collection that has something to do (producing, writing, directing, whatever) with a guy named Charles Band. All four movies on the second disk have his name attached to them in some form so we'll see how this one turns out as compared to “Evil Bong”.

      I'm not sure when this movie was made, but the quality looks straight out of the 80s. Anyway, after a scene with two kids playing the card game War, we have a couple talking in a car and the woman tells the guy she's pregnant. He can't act so it's hard to tell if he's actually happy that he's going to be a dad or just pretending to be and is actually terrified by the idea. Either reaction is as likely. I guess they were waiting to make some big gun buy because some other 80s TV guys show up selling them weapons. It's okay, though, the couple are actually cops... although that doesn't help the guy survive as he gets shot right away and dies. I've seen enough 80s B movies and TV shows to know that this looks exactly like that so far. Hell, if Paul Gross was around I'd almost chalk this up as a bad opening to a Due South episode except with more gun violence and the word “fuck” in there. So I guess... 90s Canadian TV? It's pretty damn terrible acting and film quality whatever it's trying to be. Unless this is actually from that era. Then I suppose it gets a pass on the quality.
      Just looked at the movie case: it says this was made in 2005. This means that this movie is either a spoof of/tribute to 80s horror movies or my criticisms of its style and talent are valid. You know, as valid as random internet criticisms ever are.

      Back to the movie. We leave the middle of the gunfight between the female cop who's boyfriend/baby-daddy has just been killed and the gun-running thugs who shot him dead to watch a bored security guard order chicken. Talk about ways to maintain dramatic tension. Haha, the bad ass chicken boy just got asked if that was a cigarette in his mouth by his manager and responded by saying “no, it's you're dick”. Then burned rubber in the company delivery car listening to what sounded like a bad rip off of Guns 'n' Roses. You know he means business and is a rebel that plays by his own rules now.

      And now we're back to one of the criminals from the shoot-out who's dying (the dead cop shot him before being shot himself) and crawling into a warehouse full of toys and a mysterious bright light. And now that he's almost completely dead the toys start to move and laugh on their own. Child's Play came out before 2005, right? Anyway, the remaining criminal and the female cop have a fight elsewhere in the warehouse where she manages to cuff him after he rips her shirt (not in any revealing way, just enough to know that it was a fight: 80s style). In this time the dying criminal is being tormented by the toys (“demonic toys”, if you will) and... well... he's really just asking for what happens to him the way he goes up to the jack-in-the-box and holds his hand up to the teddy bear with ridiculously sharp teeth. Oh, and the demon possessing the toys shows up in the form of a kid.

      Remember that security guard from the scene that interrupted the fight before? I guess he's overlooking the warehouse where all this is happening... and misses all the shit that's going down because he's watching TV. This also means he doesn't see the lady cop and handcuffed suspect who are now... locked in one of the rooms in the warehouse? Where the criminal demands to be taken to jail because he “knows his rights”? Okay, why not? Chicken boy shows up blasting 80s rock and I start to think this actually is supposed to be a parody/homage to 80s horror movies. If the other two movies on this disk turn out to be similar in theme I'm going to call Charles Band a D-movie genius.

      So now the chicken boy and security guard are drinking together, sharing the chicken, and appreciating Miss July. They swap stories about how shitty life is and how everything tastes like chicken... except the fast food chicken they're eating. Then the cop shoots off her gun to draw their attention and, even though they hear it, the guard figures it might be a cat or something. Seriously? Either way, him and chicken boy go to investigate. At this point, I just need to say: I have no idea why or how the lady cop and gun-runner are locked in a room to begin with. It makes no sense.

      But yeah, they find the cop and criminal and open the door. Some terrible acting later, the security guard says he was in Korea so, judging by his age, this is supposed to be in the 80s if not earlier. Well played, Charles Band, well played.

      Oh shit! One of the teddy bears has a baseball bat! There goes the security guard's knee. Gun went spinning off to the side somewhere too (as is bound to happen in all movies). Now a doll is talking to him. A doll that grabbed his gun and then shot him with it. Okay, honestly, demonically possessed or not, if you're not able to fight off a teddy bear and a jack-in-the-box even while shot, you deserve to die. That's just natural selection.

      This is obviously the time for the gun-runner to try to make a break for it... while still in a locked room. Anyway, the cop subdues him (since he's an idiot and also still in handcuffs) before the toys try to break into their room. One of them seems to succeed since there's evil laughing from somewhere inside their room as the doll drags away the security guard outside.

      New character! She seems to know a bit. She knows the toys are alive and that they're possessed. She also makes a snide comment about chicken boy's combination of a fast food uniform and leather jacket. I'm betting they end up together at some point. There is all kinds of bad acting going on. Not even in the spirit of bad 80s horror like this is trying to be, just in general. Now the toy blocks are talking to them. Re-arranging themselves into messages and whatnot. Demon child just possessed the criminal.

      Chicken boy makes a good point about not wanting to crawl around in air conditioning ducts with “those things out there”. Despite that, him and the new girl go in there to find their way to the security office leaving lady cop behind because she “needs to bring [the gun runner] in! Because it's [her] job!”. This is all well and good until he picks the handcuff lock with a knife she apparently didn't search him for in all the time they were locked in the storage room.

      Demon boy starts talking to lady cop in a dream-like state “inside the doll house”. He then changes shape in a full 80s style effect to show her he's got powers. One of the new forms is a zombified version of her partner/boyfriend, the other is of something looking law-suitingly close to the crypt-keeper before going back to the child and explaining that he wants a body to move about in. Time for some back story, folks:

This is just fucking dumb. I'm not even going to go into this mess. it's fucking stupid. The point of this is, I guess: she's pregnant (as was established) and is going to give birth to the demon who is currently possessing the toys and talking to her because he needs to be born and... yeah, it's fucking stupid but whatever. Moving on.

      Back in the air ducts, the new girl and chicken boy are being attacked by the toys. Including a robot that fires lasers! Special effects budget here we are! No worries, though, an air-isol blowtorch takes care of those toys. Now chicken boy has a shotgun... but new girl is being bitten by the jack-in-the-box so he drops it to help her. And then she lets the jack-in-the-box bite him as she just stands there rather than return the helping favour. Good thing that blowtorch didn't kill the doll after all since it stabs her in the face several times to teach new girl not to just stand around doing nothing. Chicken boy kills the jack-in-the-box, but misses the doll with the shotgun. The demon kid then taunts him over the TV screens by quoting the fast food options he told customers in that first scene. Very clever.

      Lady cop now wakes up and finds gun runner missing and the door open. So she draws her gun (that gun runner failed to take from her after he took the key to their locked storage room off of her), and goes out into the warehouse to try to find him. All this while chicken boy is hallucinating Miss July in the middle of the warehouse. Then he sees new girl with her eye/face carved in. That'd kill the mood pretty damn quick. Gun runner then smacks him in the head and takes his gun. And calls him chicken boy!!! Did I call that or what? Lady cop shoots gun runner after that, but still: I called him chicken boy before the movie did. The rest of the scene is full of bad acting so we'll skip ahead to the demon kid sitting in a pentagram in the warehouse and looking at a box that has a toy soldier jump out of it. Why not bring some more toys in?

      Now all the toys start to be possessed. Chicken boy and lady cop spend some time shooting as many toys as they can. More than you'd expect they had ammo for, but this is supposed to be the 80s when all guns had infinite ammo unless it suited the plot. For some reason the doll is the only one that survives multiple gunshots from them, but even it finally gets blown up by the shotgun. Then the teddy bear with teeth grows up to bigger than human size and starts chasing them. Again, why not? It looks like a terrible werewolf from Ginger Snaps or American Werewolf In London or something.

      Now lady cop looks to turn the gun on herself to stop the demon from taking control of her child... only to have the toy soldier motion for her to follow him out. Which makes sense. I mean, when a bunch of toys have been possessed by a demon bent on taking over your unborn child in order to possess human form and move about in our world, why wouldn't you follow a walking toy soldier? So yeah, the demon gets a hold of her and brings her into the pentagram that all demons need in order to do anything climatic in movies.

      Chicken boy manages to make it out to his car, though. But he has a change of heart as he hears lady cop screaming and comes back to rescue her. Which ends with Teddy Werewolf tackling him and knocking away the shotgun. Chasing him back out to the chicken car. Where he... has the shotgun again? Why not?

The demon is now in adult form and talking about “doing the nasty” to lady cop. He's taking his damn time taunting her, though. If he's been waiting “sixty-six years” like he keeps saying, he's sure hell bent on waiting even longer than he needs to.

      Chicken boy shotguns were-bear, then hits him with his car. And it turns out the toy soldier is a good guy 'cause he shoots the demon with his toy gun and then unties lady cop. Then he transforms into the other kid from the first scene that I forgot to mention. Anyway, the toy soldier was the good guy, the demon kid was the bad guy, they were playing war with lady cop sitting in the background and chicken boy just shot the gas tank of his car to blow up the were-bear in a totally 80s-style explosion. That's pretty much the end of the movie.

      I don't know what to make of this. It's pretty God-awful acting, the story gets resolved in a completely unsatisfying way, and it's just plain brutal by any reasonable standards. And yet... in the tradition of Creepshow and stuff like that... this isn't too bad. Especially considering I just saw the end credits and it turns out this was actually made in 1992. Why would the DVD case lie to me like this? I mean, in this context, the whole thing seems to suck less. This was an era when Vanilla Ice was “cool”, remember. Standards were different.

      I'm more than a little disheartened to say this, but... given the context of its time... this movie didn't suck as much as it should have either. With the time this movie was made factored in, this collection comes out with a score of 3 good/at-least-watchable movies vs 3 terrible movies. The fuck? I bought this DVD as an excuse to get drunk and mock terrible movies not be mildly impressed with half of the movies on here because I've lowered my standards as to what I should expect. There are two more movies left in this collection to review before I start looking at other knowingly terrible movies. I just pray to god they bring the average down closer to where it should be. One of them is described as being about a “vampire preying on strip club patrons while keeping her part human/part reptile ex-lover in a bird cage” so that should help.

Evil Bong

Disk Two of the Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3 starts off with "Evil Bong".  Rather than build up to it for the big finale of this eight movie set, I decided to get straight into it because... well Tommy Chong.  So here we go:
       This seems like I should be stoned rather than drunk to watch this movie. It's a bit late to call up the guys I know that still deal, though, plus, if anyone from my employer is reading (fat chance, no one reads this), I don't smoke pot or do drugs at all. Also, if they're reading, I don't actually get drunk as that might effect my ability to do my job at whatever random points in the future I get called to go to work. ANYWAY...

       80s stereotypical nerd starting things off walking into a Half Baked-style apartment manned by a white guy who's definitely not as talented as Dave Chappelle... and then the sound cuts out so they dub it over... without replacing the music. 80s surfer stoner is also a roomate. This is going nowhere good. Especially since another roomate just showed up acting like an 80s jock but looking exactly like The Surfer. I think they're doing this on purpose. I'm going to try and go with that theory to make this seem less retarded.

       Scratch what I just said: 80s Jock is Fred, 80s Surfer is Shaggy, 80s nerd is Velma, and not-Dave Chappelle is... still a poor-white-man's mid-90s Dave Chappelle. This is definitely a movie that you need to be getting stoned for. Not that the title gave that away or anything.

       Hey, an add in High Times advertises a haunted bong... seems legit. Should I be mocking a movie that's obviously mocking itself? Also, why haven't I watched Half Baked since I was in university? Laughingly awesome soundtrack, though. Hey, the bong's showed up. This should lead to... the whole point of the movie.

       “You two are a cloud of fuck-dust.” Best line ever? I'm using it either way. Everybody except Velma takes some hits from the bong. There's actually a couple decent jokes in this. Terrible acting, obviously, but it's not as bad as you would expect... so far at least. Tommy Chong Watch is still a negative.

       If the “nudity” warning for this movie was just because of Shaggy's porn magazines/poster's I'll be mildly pissed. Half Baked had some tits in it and did it hilariously. Aim for that, Evil Bong, you seem to be trying to aim for Half Baked in everything else.

       Hey, looks like Fred, even though he got kicked off the baseball team for pot, can still pull in a couple cheerleaders for a party with the roomates. Poor-man's Dave Chappelle cannot act. Also, I guess they're not cheerleaders, the one just wears the uniform 'cause she's a slut for the former jock, and the other is a chemistry major... I see that coming into play later. She also seems to have a soft spot for Velma (who remember, in this case, is a guy), so look for that in the future. Haha, now the bong's talking and calling the not-cheerleader a bitch as she, her friend, and Fred walk out to go to a party. If she shows back up I'm going to call not-cheerleader “Daphne”, just to keep with the Scooby-Doo theme.

       Ruh-roh, now Shaggy's getting too stoned on the Evil Bong and it's showing him visions of a strip club. And there's the tits. Not as hilarious as Half baked, but then he starts talking to a clay-mation figure who's smoking a joint so, I guess there's something to be said for that. Shaggy just used the term “goth boobs”. I'm not sure why I find that as funny as I do. The bra had skulls on the cups... and then the skulls ate Shaggy's face... as the clay-mation guy jerked off. And the bong said it was “tasty”. This is pretty damn funny, actually. Tommy Chong Watch is still a negative.

       Not-Dave Chappelle cannot act. Shaggy is dead, but the main point of this scene is Not-Dave Chappelle cannot act. Also, the bong “looks different” now, you know, for some reason. They decide not to report the death since they have pot around and to just drop the body outside his parents place in Mudville (sly reference to Casey At The Bat and Fred being a pitcher; well played). An old guy in a wheelchair, who is not-Dave Chappelle's grandpa shows up... and is not Tommy Chong. But he does call Shaggy “the surfer” so, you know, they actually are doing this on purpose... a bit, at least. Grandpa is awesome. Ripping on all the kids in some of the best dialogue these movies have ever seen. The only bad part of this is the obvious build-up of Grandpa's new wife being hot... and then having her actually be age-appropriate for Grandpa. Saw it coming, but it still makes the sex jokes Grandpa makes after funny. Then he sort of calls the three roomates gay in a backhanded way. Awesome.

       Turns out, after a guy dies, Velma suddenly drinks beer rather than doing nothing to endanger his mind. It's just Coors Light, though, so that doesn't really count. Damn, that was easy to convince Velma not to call the cops over dead Shaggy. They just said the girls were coming over for a party and they could tell the cops that Shaggy “crashed for days when he was stoned” so him being dead more than a day when they eventually called them would be okay. Then throw in the chemistry major “giving him the 'fuck me' eyes” and he's all for it.

       Now the bong is trying to kill Not-Dave Chappelle. Make of that what you will. Also, as an aside, this part takes place as Fred and Velma are moving Shaggy's body downstairs. Just thought that sentence needed writing. Back to the strip club that the Evil Bong creates where Shaggy is still alive and “goth boobs” has her skull bra off and is giving him a lap dance. Then Not-Dave Chappelle talks to Grandpa and has him kicked out., but not before he tells Grandpa he should have married a stripper. I'm not sure why Grandpa would have been in the Evil Bong's strip club, but whatever. And now Not-Dave Chappelle's stripper has sharks on her bra. I see where this is going. Yup, exactly there.

       The girls show up to the party at just the right time. There's only Fred and Velma left alive with Daphne (still in full slut dress) and chemistry major showing up. Velma kinda had a smooth line there. If it had been delivered better, but still.. kinda smooth. Velma and chemistry major win a trivial pursuit game and she kisses him on the cheek. Then they all start to take some hoots. And then Daphne starts to try to fuck Fred right in the middle of the party. What... The... Fuck is going on? The least weird part of this scene? She's literally blowing up a condom like a balloon trying to turn him on. Keeping her skirt and top on the whole time, though. At least some “actresses” have some standards in this movie.

       Anyway, they pass out and all of a sudden chemistry major starts to undress Velma and he tries to resist. Is this some sort of anti-weed propaganda a la 'Reefer Madness'? Probably not, just an excuse to get the two of them together. It's also only at this point, mid-hook-up that Velma notices Not-Dave Chappelle is dead. Hours later. Although chemistry major would probably make me not notice a dead guy if she tried.

       Now the strip club scene with both Fred and Daphne there. This should be something. Daphne wants to leave, gets freaked out, and then gets taken away by the bouncer. Fred stays there and gets a stripper that looks like the girl he talked about in an earlier conversation with the roomates. A girl that he said had “a monster set of teeth” while blowing him. This is going to end poorly. And I'm right.

       The bong has changed again (as it does every time it kills someone), and Daphne hasn't come back so... I guess she's dead too. Now chemistry major looks to be falling into the trap. TOMMY CHONG WATCH IS OVER!!!! HE IS HERE!!! He's explaining things! It's funny! He's... Tommy Chong. Now Velma has to take a hoot and go into the bong after chemistry major... after Tommy Chong gives him some “vitamins” to help him be able to come back. One hoot and he's done. Funny. Oh no! Tommy Chong is taking a hoot too! Wait... Tommy Chong said the words “I didn't come here to get high”. For real. Damn, talk about playing against character.

       Strip club again. Velma is talking to the bong about rescuing chemistry major and the bong counters with three topless girls. Well played, bong, well played.
       Damn! Tommy Chong's hammer doesn't seem to have any effect breaking the bong. Neither does Tommy Chong's chainsaw. And if those aren't names for bands, I don't know what are.

       Back to Velma. He turns away from the three girls and finds some old guy to talk to. I think that may have been the director's cameo. Either way, Velma sees chemistry major dancing in a cage with... a male stripper with a WWI army hat on. Who tells Velma to wait his turn. That scene's kinda funny.

       But now Tommy Chong has dynamite. And the Bong counters with “B.C. bud”. Shout out to Canada! Also, T.C. says he's built up a resistance to it... then gets pretty stoned. Way to go B.C. Bud.

       Back to the strip club and Velma trying to bring chemistry major out of there. As they get to the exit, however, they're confronted by... some other guy (possibly the director again, trying to make a second cameo). And then all of a sudden the guy decides he wants out too, and wants Velma to tell him if Velma finds a way out for them. Oh damn, the bong is all about world domination! Now a new version of the “GO AMERICA! FUCK YA!” speech. And Tommy Chong passing out from the weed (go B.C. Bud!).

       Haha, great dialogue: “let's play a game.” “okay.” “close your eyes and... open your mouth.” “oh, you're a naughty boy...”. Then it turns out these pills Velma is giving chemistry girl are the vitamins that Tommy Chong gave him and he's trying to get her out of the strip club still. That's fine, plus now T.C. is inside and blowing up the bong with his dynamite. From inside!!! Whoa... man...

       Hey, looks like blowing up the bong wakes up the dead people. That means... bad things for the people that owned the bong before them. Tommy Chong is also gone. “Truly, a hero's demise.” Awesome. Especially since he sits on a throne in “bong-land” with all the topless strippers.

       ...there also seems to be an “Evil Bong II”. They include the trailer over the credits. Whether that's for real or not... debatable. Whether I would watch that... not so much. This is a double feature with Half Baked waiting to happen. No one's making it out of this movie with a career, but it's still some good stoner laughs.

I may have to score this collection (in the “worth seeing - not worth seeing” category): 2 and 3 so far. I'm as shocked as anyone.

The Dead Sleep

Sorry for the lack of update last weekend, but I've been out these past couple weekends living stories that would make you call "bullshit" if I told them to you faster than you would over... well, over the plots of these movies.  Anyway, since nobody reads this anyway, it probably doesn't matter that I'm half a week late.  But yeah, there'll be one this weekend as well so things'll be back on track.  As for this review... well, take a look:
We open with a guy talking to himself in the mirror after having slit his wrists. Then what I assume is a flashback to earlier since he's alive and his daughter waking him up. The daughter kinda looks like I've seen her in something else (something better than a movie on a “Midnight Horror Collection Vol 3”; we'll have to wait for the credits). Oh, hey, turns out she's got some burn scars on her back. That's probably going to be relevant later. Also, the guy kinda looks like James Spader and, when I get drunker, I might start to call him James Spader... so I'm just going to start doing that now. James Spader and his wife seem to be having some marital troubles, but after the daughter and wife leave for school and work, he sees a note she left saying “I still love you”. So that's nice.

So far the acting hasn't been that bad and the film-making is pretty top notch compared to the others so that's a plus.

Hmm, there's some conflict James Spader and his buddy from work seem to have gotten involved in. By the sounds of it they're embezzling money from their company. My mistake, turns out it's just James Spader that's been stealing and his friend's just been drawn into it because the boss came after him first. I have a drink to celebrate how much better this one is starting out than the others. Then another because I remember Backwoods Bloodbath starting out with potential too. Turns out James Spader still has most of the money he stole so they've come up with a plan for him to pay it back. Also, by the sounds of it, he only stole the money to pay for help with his daughter's recovery.

Now his boss (who may be connected to the mob somehow) has come over to his house to threaten James Spader and also to mildly creep on his teenage daughter (the boss is only 25 and she's 16 so... yeah, still creepy). It leads to an odd discussion about fish being smart if they jump out of their bowls and commit suicide. Now the problems with the wife come out again as she starts to suspect something.

Looks like this isn't a flashback after all (if you read the description of the movie beforehand you get why this is the case) since James Spader has started to get random headaches with screeching sounds, is starting to randomly write words backwards, and just saw his wrist covered in blood as he was sitting at dinner. He then has a conversation with his daughter about 'The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe' where she says “when you're dead, you're dead. You shouldn't come back” so that's a bit of foreshadowing, no doubt. On a side note, the daughter was the one that said fish were smarter than other fish if they know enough to jump out of their bowl.  Just saying, there's a bit of a trend in her thought pattern.  Another argument with the wife, then his work buddy calls and they meet for a drink so his buddy can tell him where the boss wants him to bring the money. Oh yeah, the money's all cash and the boss doesn't want it to be brought back at the office so they're meeting up outside somewhere at noon the next day.

This movie is less fun to make fun of than the other ones. It's actually pretty decent so far. Not sure if I'm disappointed or impressed. The camera work is a little bad in a couple chase scenes here, but if that's the worst part of the movie, that's saying something.

Now things start to pick up the pace a bit. All of a sudden he's back waking up in bed and he's beginning to randomly see his daughter bleeding (first from a major head wound, then straight from the eyes). Also, he's disoriented and remembering things differently, or flat out wrong, from what other people are telling him happened. There's trouble afoot.

I just realized how creepy 'Row Your Boat' is when a bunch of strangers on a bus are staring at you and suddenly start singing it for no reason. I need to get some people together to do this to someone. Even creepier, though, is when a lady with a bandage over her eye comes up to you right after that and says “excuse me: you're going to have to kill yourself, you know?” ...That part I may skip when doing this in real life.

This is odd. He brings briefcases to put the money in when he's already got the money in a case in the locker. A little sloppy, guys, but they need the scene to show he's got a gun as well, I suppose. Also that he's keeping a couple bundles of the cash rather than giving it all back. There have been worse scenes in bigger budget movies; I'll allow this.

This is actually fairly good preparation. He stuffs the gun and the cash he's keeping up under his house, carves a heart into the siding, and mails a letter with (I assume) instructions of where to find it to his family in case something goes wrong with the exchange. Not bad since it looks like something is definitely going to go wrong since his boss just pulled a gun on him and put a pre-written suicide note on him. Oh damn! Looks like there was no money in the suitcase. A shame the whole “running away” didn't work for him after that 'cause now the boss is pouring a bunch of gasoline to drown him in. This 25 year old is pretty bad-ass, he's even got his speech as he's killing a guy down to an art.

James Spader wakes up. As a ghost now since he can't talk to his daughter. And then the boss shows up to help console her. It's not as creepy as that sounds except that you know he's the one that killed her dad. Looks like his work buddy isn't exactly human either since he's here to help James Spader change things (I assume). The boss basically tells his henchman he'll kill James Spader's daughter himself if she finds out anything, even though it's been five years since James was killed and then the buddy gives an explanation of what they are and what's going on.

In case you hadn't guessed, it's not just the bundles he originally took that are under the house, it's all the money and the instructions where left with his lawyer to give to his daughter when she turned 21. That “five years later” bit also makes the boss probably banging James Spader's daughter now a bit more acceptable... so long as you ignore that he killed her dad.

Some more explanation of what's been going on after his death when they go visit his wife, and a nice little “we can explain not having to pay for a bigger cast” in that apparently, after you die and don't move on, you only see “loved ones, the people that matter”. Well played. Honestly, all kidding aside, aside from a couple minor details, I can't really find too much fault with this one so far. I'm not sure why this movie was included in a pack with crap like Zombie Dearest. Also, have to backtrack on the James Spader thing. Doesn't look much like him at all. Still going to call him that for the rest of the review, but don't take that too literally.

Actually, I'm just going to end the review here. A bunch of stuff's been going on (including a bit of bad acting, it's really a shame since up till now it's been pretty good), but on the whole it's good enough that I can't enjoy reviewing it like the others. This one I actually recommend people watch. Hell, so long as nothing happens at the end to ruin this, this one alone is worth the $5 for these movies.

Nope, nothing ruined it. They tied up everything that I can remember, made a pretty damn good ending, and all and all, made a movie that people should see. I kinda feel cheated in that I didn't even drink that much while watching this, but that's what the second disk is for.

Oh, by the way, the daughter was played by Sarah Foret and the name doesn't ring any bells so I guess I just mistook her for someone else. You know, in case that was really bugging you or something.

Zombie Dearest

A while ago I bought a DVD for $5 called "The Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3" which is an 8 movie pack (as the case reminds you). I... have no excuse why. The only thing I can offer is to say that I once made a short film that was so bad that I took it off YouTube because it was terrible. Anyway, MST3K be dammed, this involves my loves of booze, movies, writing, and finding fault in other peoples hard work. Here's the third review and brace yourselves, this one is worse (both in terms of the movie and my review) than the other two:
Instead of waiting till another night like I'd originally planned, I went ahead and tossed on Zombie Dearest right after Witchcraft 13 because I had nothing better to do that night (which says something about my nights but we'll leave that alone for now).  Looking back at the review for the first time since writing it, I should maybe have not done that.  I can barely make sense of what I was trying to say in some parts and the first paragraph is just a jumble of sentence fragments and I'm pretty sure stream of consciousness writing.  On the other hand, I'm not going to subject myself to watching this movie again plus tonight I actually have shit to do and no one reads this anyway.  So here goes:

Voice-over. All about a failed writer. Who is ranting about his poor relationship with his wife... and then her best friend... and then... that's just poor penis puppetry [ed. note: I honestly can't remember if the guy was actually flashing his dick around or if this was supposed to be a joke on my part about something, take it whichever way you want]. Also, these “actors” all look like they should be in porn. Probably have been. The “acting” assumes it. I'm already drunk after the last movie... this is still pornorific style acting. And video quality. And now more acting. All... “Canadian-style” minus the talent. And the looks. Well, the guys wear the “Canadian” look (plaid on top of lumberjack OR plaid on top of older lumberjack), but the girls... not hot enough. Evangeline Lilly or Kristen Kruek or even "in-her-prime" Pam Anderson this girl is not. Curly-haired blonde terrible actress in a background of B.C./”Canadian”/Oregon forest? Yes, that's what she is.

Anyway, she rolls into bed with the younger bushwhacker (who is also her ex-husband) based on... some sound she heard? Then she tells him not to try to hook up with her because his saving her from the imaginary phantoms she crawled into bed with him to avoid aren't there so she can sleep on her own. Also, she's a secretary in the local town, but doesn't want to be called a secretary, and doesn't want anyone to think of her as a secretary while her ex-husband works as a... painter? Carpenter? Handyman? Poorly able to do any of those things? Anyway, she still sleeps in bed with him and he still tries to exterminate things (because he's an exterminator as well), and... tries to write (first time seen doing that since the voice over telling us he's a writer). Then he drowns a rat in the toilet... or something. Either way, his wife gets freaked out when she goes to the toilet and then the writer and the plumber say the word “retard” several times... and several times more... and a few times beyond that. It even pisses off the writer. He doesn't like the word “retard” being said. So he kicks out the plumber and starts digging up the septic tank himself. Seems as logical as anything else so far.

At about this point it starts to “hint” (sledge hammer of obviousness) that the ex(maybe current? Starting to doubt the divorce)-wife is pregnant. And he keeps digging. And then smells something he's not wanting to smell. And then wishes he had someone to help him dig/work. Then the Zombie shows up. Yes. Just like that. Worst one-sided phone call ever. Who the fuck is he calling? Then the zombie keeps looking at him and he tells the phone “fuck, I'll call you back” or something like that.

Hey, I guess curly blonde who got a job at a law firm or somewhere happened to bang the balding lawyer back before she married the ex-husband who she sleeps in bed with. Facts for later, I'm sure.

Now that the “proper authorities” have decided this was all a prank, the handy-man is instructing the zombie how to do some digging. He is very pleased.

A song about “Going Home To Canada” plays as the woman tries to seduce her boss and the handyman tries to tell the zombie how to dig a proper hole. Then the music ends and he's still talking. And it's terrible. He thinks he's funny. Not just in the movie where he's acting like a stand up comedian for the zombie, but in general. He thinks he's funny. In this movie. He thinks he can escape it. That's... kinda funny. But in the wrong way that the character/actor is trying to play it.

I may have misinterpreted. I guess, after one scene, it's a movie about the wife being the bread-winner and the husband being a free-spirit comedian/writer/free-thinker/douche-bag. Also, she flat out says he's the home-maker if they have kids and “she'll take care of the finances”.

Some of the bad acting can be excused for a couple reasons:

1. The lead guy thinks he's an 80s stand-up comic prodigy. That's terrible on it's own, but if he's playing it right, it makes sense.
2. ...There is no 2. That's the only reason the acting might be taken as a joke and... it really shouldn't be. Not even for the guy that thinks he's a comedian.

Fun fact: if you pause the movie right after Debra (the wife that's been trying to seduce her boss this whole movie) finds out that “Quinto is a zombie working for her husband/ex-husband/serious-moustache-loving-trailer-park-aficionado: you can find about 193 pornos built into that scenario. All you have to do is substitute either the zombie or the guy with another girl... leaving the moustache, of course.

And now the zombie is a metaphor for Mexicans. And they went over the top with the metaphor. And it's even worse that they keep going while the white guy with the “hot” wife talks about how hard he has it while sporting some “trying to be ethnic” facial hair.

Suddenly: a party. Why not. The writer making jokes about a self-help book about religion with a priest and... it's actually marginally funny until they go into it in the “car” scene and they hit someone (a zombie). So they get out of the car, see it's only a Mexican (sorry, “zombie”), get back in the car and keep going... It wasn't the original zombie that they knew, after all, just A zombie. Is this a metaphor? Yes. Is it worse than the one from “Witchcraft 13” about being gay? ...No? Yes? I'm going with yes.

I guess there's someone looking after the labourers around... wherever this movie is set. He's a guy looking for... his own labourer? Suddenly this isn't Mexicans and day labourers, this is slavery. Or wait, it's nearly the same thing (as the movie makes the point).
Also, lawyers are terrible dicks and let no one tell you otherwise. That's the next scene. After that, the woman that had last told she wanted to “never see [the handyman] again” is enticed into a sex scene (complete with what can only be described as carnival music) with him because of... some flowers and him in an apron when she gets home? I need to take notes.

Don't get too excited, though, it's all so poorly lit you can see nothing but you kinda assume you did because it's “arty” and whatnot. Then they realize the zombie is in the room with them. Also, there's some odd role playing going on before that. She has a miner's helmet on.
OH MY GOD!
“Why are there zombies?”

“Because I made a wish while holding a dead man's cock.”

That. Just. Happened!

She leaves, he keeps doing his bad stand up and... he falls down. This is important for him. Because he carries the box he tripped over into the barn and tries to assert his dominance over everything by calling for his Mexi-ZOMBIE friend and then teaching him some things. By beating him until he understands. How very White-Man's Guilt of him. Oh yeah, I guess the Zombie bit him so ... that means... something?

I keep finding acting that is worse than the last time I said “worst acting ever”. And this time it involves terrible acting twice over the two main characters fighting with crossed arms in the foreground and two secondary characters fighting in the background with one being a zombie and trying to eat the other. Yeah, funny. Except not really and just sad.

My god, this movie is still going? Okay, here goes: she inherited something, there's candles all over the place for no reason, he's being a dick, she's trying to act, he fails at acting, she says “why am I not crying?” and we all answer “because you can't act”. After that, they're still by the fireplace and getting it on and talking about killing the zombie. He's outside listening to them plan his demise and now... they act together, then a health and safety advertisement about needing 8 glasses of water a day, then they bury their zombie and go on living their lives. Together. I guess. Oh, except the zombie isn't dead and they decide to shoot him in the head with a shot gun and “need an exterminator”. Then they don't shoot him, but hold him on a spike in a silo. Also,now (months later) is the first time she realizes he's been bleeding out of his neck for a while.

Now things get stupid. Beyond this. There's a stand up show going on with the lead actor as the comic. This is even more painful to watch as a movie than it would be to watch him from the audience of a real comedy club. That... might be the point? If it is, well played, you magnificent bastard. You made a movie that sucked so bad and ended with lines like “he's been bitten by a zombie” and made it so bad your stand-up routine would look awesome if you ever did it live.

Oh wait, the movie is still going. All of that is failure and wrong. This movie just sucks.

Nine possible mercy killings later, the acting-less blonde is still being chased around by zombies. Then she screams out a window. The she keeps her top on which is significant because we now find out the entire movie was a fantasy in the writer's mind going back to one of the first scenes when it was his birthday. The end. Yes, that's it. To be fair, the end credit music tries very hard to be cool enough to make up for the rest of the movie. It almost does it.
This movie... my god it's a good thing I was still drunk from the last one.

Witchcraft 13: Blood Of The Chosen

A while ago I bought a DVD for $5 called "The Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3" which is an 8 movie pack (as the case reminds you). I... have no excuse why. The only thing I can offer is to say that I once made a short film that was so bad that I took it off YouTube because it was terrible. Anyway, MST3K be dammed, this involves my loves of booze, movies, writing, and finding fault in other peoples hard work. Here's the second review:

As with the first one, I started this movie completely sober. That didn't last long. To give some perspective, one of the first lines in the movie (delivered while a couple are making out and about to have sex), has the man referring to the girl as a “sexual predator”. Worst sexy talk ever. Then she kills him. Not for that, mind you, but it would've made more sense than a rip-off of the second worst Indiana Jones movie (Temple Of Doom for those keeping score) where she rips his heart out of his chest with her bare hands. I start to drink. After the credits there's some bad acting and some people drinking in an office. Good enough reason for me; bottoms up, this is going to get painful. Then there's what can only be described as a veiled homosexual analogy as two guys meet in a bar and talk about their “powers” and “their kind” and “having to suppress parts of themselves”. Then one tells a story about his ex-fiance, making sure to mention that she was his fiance even though his friend almost certainly would have known that, and calls the other guy drunk even though he's done nothing to show it and even had a beer stolen from him before he could drink it. Shock among shocks, the guy that was “drunk” left with the girl that stole his beer and she killed him by ripping his heart out. Next we see the police interviewing the main character and we find out that it's not being gay they were talking about in the bar, it was being warlocks. Then there's more slightly-veiled gay references (including one of the cops bugging his partner about “having a strange feeling” about the main character), and the “warlock” turning down a hot girl throwing herself at him and we're right back into “obvious metaphor” territory. Hey, fun fact: lawyer warlocks know how to break into a house that's been sealed off as a crime scene using a hair pin... I guess. Also, when they use their powers, they do so with video effects that would make the 70s jealous or at least the 60s. Probably only the 50s. And they “hate that shit” (actual dialogue, delivered better in your head than in the movie). On a side note, the girl that's been killing these guys (another added to the count just after that) and been using her sex appeal to get them... not all that good looking. If you're going to make low budget crap at least have the decency to put hot girls in it if that's all you've got going for you. Which would be all this had going for it since even the sound doesn't want to be part of this movie and cuts out part way through the next scene. A shame it wasn't all of it since this is another “seduction of a warlock” scene and it's beyond the awful of the rest of the movie even. Then there's a sex scene that involves the main character staying fully clothed, the girl that just seduced him in the bar only getting topless, and music that would make porn directors weep it's so terrible. Frankly, I think the scene is only there because they needed to fill a couple extra minutes or they wouldn't be able to call themselves a feature film. Also, just an aside, but the girl kinda looks like a young, blond, Annie Lennox. Not sure what to make of that. Anyway, then the guy immediately regrets having sex with her. Not because he's gay, though (that's not what this movie is about at all), because she's some demon out to kill him. He defeats her with his “powers” then runs to see a mystical, dread-locked, black guy who, after hearing that the main character is lost (because he had sex with a woman, I assume), says that “all we can do here is help you to be found”.

Then the three girls get together and gossip about men and how they “feel invincible when [they] swallow [the warlock's/men's] power”. It's a pretty terrible scene with some of the worst writing I've ever seen, but the one chick (not the chubby un-hot one that's the leader or the not-Annie Lennox one but the one from the first scene) is playing around with a fire torch in a bikini and that's kinda cool. Other than that... I think this scene is all about gay bashing except they're using just general man-bashing as a cover. I've had a lot to drink by this point, so it's hard to be sure.

The main warlock gets hit on by a hot (for this movie) chick again, turning her down once more, and then yells at the cops for “betraying his confidence” or some such thing. It's hard to tell because it's at this point that I notice one of the detectives has a tattoo on his neck. Not that that should disqualify him from being a cop or anything, but it's not really something you see from cops in movies unless they've been undercover or involved with gangs or something. Which he then explains two scenes later in some stake-out banter with his partner while more porn music plays and they talk about their ex-”girl”friends and... it doesn't even matter at this point, the music colours the whole pointless scene that's just filler anyway.

The line “don't think, just drink” is said. Best idea this movie's had. Anyway, the warlock and the second girl that came into his office hitting on him end up together fucking with half their clothes on to music that is surprisingly less porn like than the one that was playing just seconds before in the cop car. In the middle of this there's a flash of lightning (which seems out of place since there was no indication a storm was going on) and we see topless not-Annie Lennox standing outside the window watching them licking her fingers.

Oh, just so you remember: the sound cutting out is still happening from time to time throughout a whole lot of these scenes and the acting is still terrible beyond what the rum can numb.

After doing some private detective work (because that's what he is... as well as a lawyer since, you know, lawyers don't make enough money to survive on without taking a second job), the warlock finds out that the murders form the shape of a pentagram and then utters the line to sum up this movie perfectly: “oh this can't be good”. No, terrible Z-list actor, no it cannot. Especially since the next scene is one of the girls going to kill his black friend, saying she wished he hadn't been so weak because she wanted to take him down in the bedroom, and his last words being “if I'd wanted to make love to a glass of water I would have gone to the kitchen. The fuck is that even supposed to mean? Seriously, between “sexual predator” and that... What. The. Fuck?

A chase scene that can best be described as “more boring that watching turtles play golf” ends hours later (I assume since it's not dark for no reason) with everyone wandering around in the forest and being led into the cave of the three witches. Also, the blonde one doesn't actually look like Annie Lennox that much. Not sure why I thought so. The big reveal in this scene being that the second chick he banged is the leader of the witches and is going to conceive his child because of a prophecy. Also, by her own admission, they've got the same last name and are brother and sister. So... you know... there's that. Also, crappy, crappy effects. And acting. And pretty much everything. My god this is terrible. The cops show up and kill the three lesser witches, but are then frozen into statues with the sound effects of ice but the visuals of... nothing. Then brother and sister talk for a bit in the middle of their fight, and... the rest of the scene is too retarded to get into. Safe to say that it ends with the bodies of the witches disappearing and the warlock un-freezing the cops and then wiping their memories because why not, and he collapses in the middle of a pentagram. Supposedly under the weight of his conscience and the evil he had to perform in order to defeat the witches, but more than likely under the realization that he was ever involved in this piece of crap.
I'm also less convinced being a warlock was supposed to be a metaphor for being gay than I was at the start of this movie. Not because any of the obvious homosexual references an innuendos aren't there and true, just more because I don't think the people responsible for this movie are capable of consciously sustaining such a metaphor for the full length of the show.