Demonic Toys

      After two decent movies in a row, I'm really hoping this one ends up being as bad as some of the others. Otherwise the title of the blog just seems petty and mean-spirited as well as misleading. This is also the second movie from this collection that has something to do (producing, writing, directing, whatever) with a guy named Charles Band. All four movies on the second disk have his name attached to them in some form so we'll see how this one turns out as compared to “Evil Bong”.

      I'm not sure when this movie was made, but the quality looks straight out of the 80s. Anyway, after a scene with two kids playing the card game War, we have a couple talking in a car and the woman tells the guy she's pregnant. He can't act so it's hard to tell if he's actually happy that he's going to be a dad or just pretending to be and is actually terrified by the idea. Either reaction is as likely. I guess they were waiting to make some big gun buy because some other 80s TV guys show up selling them weapons. It's okay, though, the couple are actually cops... although that doesn't help the guy survive as he gets shot right away and dies. I've seen enough 80s B movies and TV shows to know that this looks exactly like that so far. Hell, if Paul Gross was around I'd almost chalk this up as a bad opening to a Due South episode except with more gun violence and the word “fuck” in there. So I guess... 90s Canadian TV? It's pretty damn terrible acting and film quality whatever it's trying to be. Unless this is actually from that era. Then I suppose it gets a pass on the quality.
      Just looked at the movie case: it says this was made in 2005. This means that this movie is either a spoof of/tribute to 80s horror movies or my criticisms of its style and talent are valid. You know, as valid as random internet criticisms ever are.

      Back to the movie. We leave the middle of the gunfight between the female cop who's boyfriend/baby-daddy has just been killed and the gun-running thugs who shot him dead to watch a bored security guard order chicken. Talk about ways to maintain dramatic tension. Haha, the bad ass chicken boy just got asked if that was a cigarette in his mouth by his manager and responded by saying “no, it's you're dick”. Then burned rubber in the company delivery car listening to what sounded like a bad rip off of Guns 'n' Roses. You know he means business and is a rebel that plays by his own rules now.

      And now we're back to one of the criminals from the shoot-out who's dying (the dead cop shot him before being shot himself) and crawling into a warehouse full of toys and a mysterious bright light. And now that he's almost completely dead the toys start to move and laugh on their own. Child's Play came out before 2005, right? Anyway, the remaining criminal and the female cop have a fight elsewhere in the warehouse where she manages to cuff him after he rips her shirt (not in any revealing way, just enough to know that it was a fight: 80s style). In this time the dying criminal is being tormented by the toys (“demonic toys”, if you will) and... well... he's really just asking for what happens to him the way he goes up to the jack-in-the-box and holds his hand up to the teddy bear with ridiculously sharp teeth. Oh, and the demon possessing the toys shows up in the form of a kid.

      Remember that security guard from the scene that interrupted the fight before? I guess he's overlooking the warehouse where all this is happening... and misses all the shit that's going down because he's watching TV. This also means he doesn't see the lady cop and handcuffed suspect who are now... locked in one of the rooms in the warehouse? Where the criminal demands to be taken to jail because he “knows his rights”? Okay, why not? Chicken boy shows up blasting 80s rock and I start to think this actually is supposed to be a parody/homage to 80s horror movies. If the other two movies on this disk turn out to be similar in theme I'm going to call Charles Band a D-movie genius.

      So now the chicken boy and security guard are drinking together, sharing the chicken, and appreciating Miss July. They swap stories about how shitty life is and how everything tastes like chicken... except the fast food chicken they're eating. Then the cop shoots off her gun to draw their attention and, even though they hear it, the guard figures it might be a cat or something. Seriously? Either way, him and chicken boy go to investigate. At this point, I just need to say: I have no idea why or how the lady cop and gun-runner are locked in a room to begin with. It makes no sense.

      But yeah, they find the cop and criminal and open the door. Some terrible acting later, the security guard says he was in Korea so, judging by his age, this is supposed to be in the 80s if not earlier. Well played, Charles Band, well played.

      Oh shit! One of the teddy bears has a baseball bat! There goes the security guard's knee. Gun went spinning off to the side somewhere too (as is bound to happen in all movies). Now a doll is talking to him. A doll that grabbed his gun and then shot him with it. Okay, honestly, demonically possessed or not, if you're not able to fight off a teddy bear and a jack-in-the-box even while shot, you deserve to die. That's just natural selection.

      This is obviously the time for the gun-runner to try to make a break for it... while still in a locked room. Anyway, the cop subdues him (since he's an idiot and also still in handcuffs) before the toys try to break into their room. One of them seems to succeed since there's evil laughing from somewhere inside their room as the doll drags away the security guard outside.

      New character! She seems to know a bit. She knows the toys are alive and that they're possessed. She also makes a snide comment about chicken boy's combination of a fast food uniform and leather jacket. I'm betting they end up together at some point. There is all kinds of bad acting going on. Not even in the spirit of bad 80s horror like this is trying to be, just in general. Now the toy blocks are talking to them. Re-arranging themselves into messages and whatnot. Demon child just possessed the criminal.

      Chicken boy makes a good point about not wanting to crawl around in air conditioning ducts with “those things out there”. Despite that, him and the new girl go in there to find their way to the security office leaving lady cop behind because she “needs to bring [the gun runner] in! Because it's [her] job!”. This is all well and good until he picks the handcuff lock with a knife she apparently didn't search him for in all the time they were locked in the storage room.

      Demon boy starts talking to lady cop in a dream-like state “inside the doll house”. He then changes shape in a full 80s style effect to show her he's got powers. One of the new forms is a zombified version of her partner/boyfriend, the other is of something looking law-suitingly close to the crypt-keeper before going back to the child and explaining that he wants a body to move about in. Time for some back story, folks:

This is just fucking dumb. I'm not even going to go into this mess. it's fucking stupid. The point of this is, I guess: she's pregnant (as was established) and is going to give birth to the demon who is currently possessing the toys and talking to her because he needs to be born and... yeah, it's fucking stupid but whatever. Moving on.

      Back in the air ducts, the new girl and chicken boy are being attacked by the toys. Including a robot that fires lasers! Special effects budget here we are! No worries, though, an air-isol blowtorch takes care of those toys. Now chicken boy has a shotgun... but new girl is being bitten by the jack-in-the-box so he drops it to help her. And then she lets the jack-in-the-box bite him as she just stands there rather than return the helping favour. Good thing that blowtorch didn't kill the doll after all since it stabs her in the face several times to teach new girl not to just stand around doing nothing. Chicken boy kills the jack-in-the-box, but misses the doll with the shotgun. The demon kid then taunts him over the TV screens by quoting the fast food options he told customers in that first scene. Very clever.

      Lady cop now wakes up and finds gun runner missing and the door open. So she draws her gun (that gun runner failed to take from her after he took the key to their locked storage room off of her), and goes out into the warehouse to try to find him. All this while chicken boy is hallucinating Miss July in the middle of the warehouse. Then he sees new girl with her eye/face carved in. That'd kill the mood pretty damn quick. Gun runner then smacks him in the head and takes his gun. And calls him chicken boy!!! Did I call that or what? Lady cop shoots gun runner after that, but still: I called him chicken boy before the movie did. The rest of the scene is full of bad acting so we'll skip ahead to the demon kid sitting in a pentagram in the warehouse and looking at a box that has a toy soldier jump out of it. Why not bring some more toys in?

      Now all the toys start to be possessed. Chicken boy and lady cop spend some time shooting as many toys as they can. More than you'd expect they had ammo for, but this is supposed to be the 80s when all guns had infinite ammo unless it suited the plot. For some reason the doll is the only one that survives multiple gunshots from them, but even it finally gets blown up by the shotgun. Then the teddy bear with teeth grows up to bigger than human size and starts chasing them. Again, why not? It looks like a terrible werewolf from Ginger Snaps or American Werewolf In London or something.

      Now lady cop looks to turn the gun on herself to stop the demon from taking control of her child... only to have the toy soldier motion for her to follow him out. Which makes sense. I mean, when a bunch of toys have been possessed by a demon bent on taking over your unborn child in order to possess human form and move about in our world, why wouldn't you follow a walking toy soldier? So yeah, the demon gets a hold of her and brings her into the pentagram that all demons need in order to do anything climatic in movies.

      Chicken boy manages to make it out to his car, though. But he has a change of heart as he hears lady cop screaming and comes back to rescue her. Which ends with Teddy Werewolf tackling him and knocking away the shotgun. Chasing him back out to the chicken car. Where he... has the shotgun again? Why not?

The demon is now in adult form and talking about “doing the nasty” to lady cop. He's taking his damn time taunting her, though. If he's been waiting “sixty-six years” like he keeps saying, he's sure hell bent on waiting even longer than he needs to.

      Chicken boy shotguns were-bear, then hits him with his car. And it turns out the toy soldier is a good guy 'cause he shoots the demon with his toy gun and then unties lady cop. Then he transforms into the other kid from the first scene that I forgot to mention. Anyway, the toy soldier was the good guy, the demon kid was the bad guy, they were playing war with lady cop sitting in the background and chicken boy just shot the gas tank of his car to blow up the were-bear in a totally 80s-style explosion. That's pretty much the end of the movie.

      I don't know what to make of this. It's pretty God-awful acting, the story gets resolved in a completely unsatisfying way, and it's just plain brutal by any reasonable standards. And yet... in the tradition of Creepshow and stuff like that... this isn't too bad. Especially considering I just saw the end credits and it turns out this was actually made in 1992. Why would the DVD case lie to me like this? I mean, in this context, the whole thing seems to suck less. This was an era when Vanilla Ice was “cool”, remember. Standards were different.

      I'm more than a little disheartened to say this, but... given the context of its time... this movie didn't suck as much as it should have either. With the time this movie was made factored in, this collection comes out with a score of 3 good/at-least-watchable movies vs 3 terrible movies. The fuck? I bought this DVD as an excuse to get drunk and mock terrible movies not be mildly impressed with half of the movies on here because I've lowered my standards as to what I should expect. There are two more movies left in this collection to review before I start looking at other knowingly terrible movies. I just pray to god they bring the average down closer to where it should be. One of them is described as being about a “vampire preying on strip club patrons while keeping her part human/part reptile ex-lover in a bird cage” so that should help.

Evil Bong

Disk Two of the Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3 starts off with "Evil Bong".  Rather than build up to it for the big finale of this eight movie set, I decided to get straight into it because... well Tommy Chong.  So here we go:
       This seems like I should be stoned rather than drunk to watch this movie. It's a bit late to call up the guys I know that still deal, though, plus, if anyone from my employer is reading (fat chance, no one reads this), I don't smoke pot or do drugs at all. Also, if they're reading, I don't actually get drunk as that might effect my ability to do my job at whatever random points in the future I get called to go to work. ANYWAY...

       80s stereotypical nerd starting things off walking into a Half Baked-style apartment manned by a white guy who's definitely not as talented as Dave Chappelle... and then the sound cuts out so they dub it over... without replacing the music. 80s surfer stoner is also a roomate. This is going nowhere good. Especially since another roomate just showed up acting like an 80s jock but looking exactly like The Surfer. I think they're doing this on purpose. I'm going to try and go with that theory to make this seem less retarded.

       Scratch what I just said: 80s Jock is Fred, 80s Surfer is Shaggy, 80s nerd is Velma, and not-Dave Chappelle is... still a poor-white-man's mid-90s Dave Chappelle. This is definitely a movie that you need to be getting stoned for. Not that the title gave that away or anything.

       Hey, an add in High Times advertises a haunted bong... seems legit. Should I be mocking a movie that's obviously mocking itself? Also, why haven't I watched Half Baked since I was in university? Laughingly awesome soundtrack, though. Hey, the bong's showed up. This should lead to... the whole point of the movie.

       “You two are a cloud of fuck-dust.” Best line ever? I'm using it either way. Everybody except Velma takes some hits from the bong. There's actually a couple decent jokes in this. Terrible acting, obviously, but it's not as bad as you would expect... so far at least. Tommy Chong Watch is still a negative.

       If the “nudity” warning for this movie was just because of Shaggy's porn magazines/poster's I'll be mildly pissed. Half Baked had some tits in it and did it hilariously. Aim for that, Evil Bong, you seem to be trying to aim for Half Baked in everything else.

       Hey, looks like Fred, even though he got kicked off the baseball team for pot, can still pull in a couple cheerleaders for a party with the roomates. Poor-man's Dave Chappelle cannot act. Also, I guess they're not cheerleaders, the one just wears the uniform 'cause she's a slut for the former jock, and the other is a chemistry major... I see that coming into play later. She also seems to have a soft spot for Velma (who remember, in this case, is a guy), so look for that in the future. Haha, now the bong's talking and calling the not-cheerleader a bitch as she, her friend, and Fred walk out to go to a party. If she shows back up I'm going to call not-cheerleader “Daphne”, just to keep with the Scooby-Doo theme.

       Ruh-roh, now Shaggy's getting too stoned on the Evil Bong and it's showing him visions of a strip club. And there's the tits. Not as hilarious as Half baked, but then he starts talking to a clay-mation figure who's smoking a joint so, I guess there's something to be said for that. Shaggy just used the term “goth boobs”. I'm not sure why I find that as funny as I do. The bra had skulls on the cups... and then the skulls ate Shaggy's face... as the clay-mation guy jerked off. And the bong said it was “tasty”. This is pretty damn funny, actually. Tommy Chong Watch is still a negative.

       Not-Dave Chappelle cannot act. Shaggy is dead, but the main point of this scene is Not-Dave Chappelle cannot act. Also, the bong “looks different” now, you know, for some reason. They decide not to report the death since they have pot around and to just drop the body outside his parents place in Mudville (sly reference to Casey At The Bat and Fred being a pitcher; well played). An old guy in a wheelchair, who is not-Dave Chappelle's grandpa shows up... and is not Tommy Chong. But he does call Shaggy “the surfer” so, you know, they actually are doing this on purpose... a bit, at least. Grandpa is awesome. Ripping on all the kids in some of the best dialogue these movies have ever seen. The only bad part of this is the obvious build-up of Grandpa's new wife being hot... and then having her actually be age-appropriate for Grandpa. Saw it coming, but it still makes the sex jokes Grandpa makes after funny. Then he sort of calls the three roomates gay in a backhanded way. Awesome.

       Turns out, after a guy dies, Velma suddenly drinks beer rather than doing nothing to endanger his mind. It's just Coors Light, though, so that doesn't really count. Damn, that was easy to convince Velma not to call the cops over dead Shaggy. They just said the girls were coming over for a party and they could tell the cops that Shaggy “crashed for days when he was stoned” so him being dead more than a day when they eventually called them would be okay. Then throw in the chemistry major “giving him the 'fuck me' eyes” and he's all for it.

       Now the bong is trying to kill Not-Dave Chappelle. Make of that what you will. Also, as an aside, this part takes place as Fred and Velma are moving Shaggy's body downstairs. Just thought that sentence needed writing. Back to the strip club that the Evil Bong creates where Shaggy is still alive and “goth boobs” has her skull bra off and is giving him a lap dance. Then Not-Dave Chappelle talks to Grandpa and has him kicked out., but not before he tells Grandpa he should have married a stripper. I'm not sure why Grandpa would have been in the Evil Bong's strip club, but whatever. And now Not-Dave Chappelle's stripper has sharks on her bra. I see where this is going. Yup, exactly there.

       The girls show up to the party at just the right time. There's only Fred and Velma left alive with Daphne (still in full slut dress) and chemistry major showing up. Velma kinda had a smooth line there. If it had been delivered better, but still.. kinda smooth. Velma and chemistry major win a trivial pursuit game and she kisses him on the cheek. Then they all start to take some hoots. And then Daphne starts to try to fuck Fred right in the middle of the party. What... The... Fuck is going on? The least weird part of this scene? She's literally blowing up a condom like a balloon trying to turn him on. Keeping her skirt and top on the whole time, though. At least some “actresses” have some standards in this movie.

       Anyway, they pass out and all of a sudden chemistry major starts to undress Velma and he tries to resist. Is this some sort of anti-weed propaganda a la 'Reefer Madness'? Probably not, just an excuse to get the two of them together. It's also only at this point, mid-hook-up that Velma notices Not-Dave Chappelle is dead. Hours later. Although chemistry major would probably make me not notice a dead guy if she tried.

       Now the strip club scene with both Fred and Daphne there. This should be something. Daphne wants to leave, gets freaked out, and then gets taken away by the bouncer. Fred stays there and gets a stripper that looks like the girl he talked about in an earlier conversation with the roomates. A girl that he said had “a monster set of teeth” while blowing him. This is going to end poorly. And I'm right.

       The bong has changed again (as it does every time it kills someone), and Daphne hasn't come back so... I guess she's dead too. Now chemistry major looks to be falling into the trap. TOMMY CHONG WATCH IS OVER!!!! HE IS HERE!!! He's explaining things! It's funny! He's... Tommy Chong. Now Velma has to take a hoot and go into the bong after chemistry major... after Tommy Chong gives him some “vitamins” to help him be able to come back. One hoot and he's done. Funny. Oh no! Tommy Chong is taking a hoot too! Wait... Tommy Chong said the words “I didn't come here to get high”. For real. Damn, talk about playing against character.

       Strip club again. Velma is talking to the bong about rescuing chemistry major and the bong counters with three topless girls. Well played, bong, well played.
       Damn! Tommy Chong's hammer doesn't seem to have any effect breaking the bong. Neither does Tommy Chong's chainsaw. And if those aren't names for bands, I don't know what are.

       Back to Velma. He turns away from the three girls and finds some old guy to talk to. I think that may have been the director's cameo. Either way, Velma sees chemistry major dancing in a cage with... a male stripper with a WWI army hat on. Who tells Velma to wait his turn. That scene's kinda funny.

       But now Tommy Chong has dynamite. And the Bong counters with “B.C. bud”. Shout out to Canada! Also, T.C. says he's built up a resistance to it... then gets pretty stoned. Way to go B.C. Bud.

       Back to the strip club and Velma trying to bring chemistry major out of there. As they get to the exit, however, they're confronted by... some other guy (possibly the director again, trying to make a second cameo). And then all of a sudden the guy decides he wants out too, and wants Velma to tell him if Velma finds a way out for them. Oh damn, the bong is all about world domination! Now a new version of the “GO AMERICA! FUCK YA!” speech. And Tommy Chong passing out from the weed (go B.C. Bud!).

       Haha, great dialogue: “let's play a game.” “okay.” “close your eyes and... open your mouth.” “oh, you're a naughty boy...”. Then it turns out these pills Velma is giving chemistry girl are the vitamins that Tommy Chong gave him and he's trying to get her out of the strip club still. That's fine, plus now T.C. is inside and blowing up the bong with his dynamite. From inside!!! Whoa... man...

       Hey, looks like blowing up the bong wakes up the dead people. That means... bad things for the people that owned the bong before them. Tommy Chong is also gone. “Truly, a hero's demise.” Awesome. Especially since he sits on a throne in “bong-land” with all the topless strippers.

       ...there also seems to be an “Evil Bong II”. They include the trailer over the credits. Whether that's for real or not... debatable. Whether I would watch that... not so much. This is a double feature with Half Baked waiting to happen. No one's making it out of this movie with a career, but it's still some good stoner laughs.

I may have to score this collection (in the “worth seeing - not worth seeing” category): 2 and 3 so far. I'm as shocked as anyone.

The Dead Sleep

Sorry for the lack of update last weekend, but I've been out these past couple weekends living stories that would make you call "bullshit" if I told them to you faster than you would over... well, over the plots of these movies.  Anyway, since nobody reads this anyway, it probably doesn't matter that I'm half a week late.  But yeah, there'll be one this weekend as well so things'll be back on track.  As for this review... well, take a look:
We open with a guy talking to himself in the mirror after having slit his wrists. Then what I assume is a flashback to earlier since he's alive and his daughter waking him up. The daughter kinda looks like I've seen her in something else (something better than a movie on a “Midnight Horror Collection Vol 3”; we'll have to wait for the credits). Oh, hey, turns out she's got some burn scars on her back. That's probably going to be relevant later. Also, the guy kinda looks like James Spader and, when I get drunker, I might start to call him James Spader... so I'm just going to start doing that now. James Spader and his wife seem to be having some marital troubles, but after the daughter and wife leave for school and work, he sees a note she left saying “I still love you”. So that's nice.

So far the acting hasn't been that bad and the film-making is pretty top notch compared to the others so that's a plus.

Hmm, there's some conflict James Spader and his buddy from work seem to have gotten involved in. By the sounds of it they're embezzling money from their company. My mistake, turns out it's just James Spader that's been stealing and his friend's just been drawn into it because the boss came after him first. I have a drink to celebrate how much better this one is starting out than the others. Then another because I remember Backwoods Bloodbath starting out with potential too. Turns out James Spader still has most of the money he stole so they've come up with a plan for him to pay it back. Also, by the sounds of it, he only stole the money to pay for help with his daughter's recovery.

Now his boss (who may be connected to the mob somehow) has come over to his house to threaten James Spader and also to mildly creep on his teenage daughter (the boss is only 25 and she's 16 so... yeah, still creepy). It leads to an odd discussion about fish being smart if they jump out of their bowls and commit suicide. Now the problems with the wife come out again as she starts to suspect something.

Looks like this isn't a flashback after all (if you read the description of the movie beforehand you get why this is the case) since James Spader has started to get random headaches with screeching sounds, is starting to randomly write words backwards, and just saw his wrist covered in blood as he was sitting at dinner. He then has a conversation with his daughter about 'The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe' where she says “when you're dead, you're dead. You shouldn't come back” so that's a bit of foreshadowing, no doubt. On a side note, the daughter was the one that said fish were smarter than other fish if they know enough to jump out of their bowl.  Just saying, there's a bit of a trend in her thought pattern.  Another argument with the wife, then his work buddy calls and they meet for a drink so his buddy can tell him where the boss wants him to bring the money. Oh yeah, the money's all cash and the boss doesn't want it to be brought back at the office so they're meeting up outside somewhere at noon the next day.

This movie is less fun to make fun of than the other ones. It's actually pretty decent so far. Not sure if I'm disappointed or impressed. The camera work is a little bad in a couple chase scenes here, but if that's the worst part of the movie, that's saying something.

Now things start to pick up the pace a bit. All of a sudden he's back waking up in bed and he's beginning to randomly see his daughter bleeding (first from a major head wound, then straight from the eyes). Also, he's disoriented and remembering things differently, or flat out wrong, from what other people are telling him happened. There's trouble afoot.

I just realized how creepy 'Row Your Boat' is when a bunch of strangers on a bus are staring at you and suddenly start singing it for no reason. I need to get some people together to do this to someone. Even creepier, though, is when a lady with a bandage over her eye comes up to you right after that and says “excuse me: you're going to have to kill yourself, you know?” ...That part I may skip when doing this in real life.

This is odd. He brings briefcases to put the money in when he's already got the money in a case in the locker. A little sloppy, guys, but they need the scene to show he's got a gun as well, I suppose. Also that he's keeping a couple bundles of the cash rather than giving it all back. There have been worse scenes in bigger budget movies; I'll allow this.

This is actually fairly good preparation. He stuffs the gun and the cash he's keeping up under his house, carves a heart into the siding, and mails a letter with (I assume) instructions of where to find it to his family in case something goes wrong with the exchange. Not bad since it looks like something is definitely going to go wrong since his boss just pulled a gun on him and put a pre-written suicide note on him. Oh damn! Looks like there was no money in the suitcase. A shame the whole “running away” didn't work for him after that 'cause now the boss is pouring a bunch of gasoline to drown him in. This 25 year old is pretty bad-ass, he's even got his speech as he's killing a guy down to an art.

James Spader wakes up. As a ghost now since he can't talk to his daughter. And then the boss shows up to help console her. It's not as creepy as that sounds except that you know he's the one that killed her dad. Looks like his work buddy isn't exactly human either since he's here to help James Spader change things (I assume). The boss basically tells his henchman he'll kill James Spader's daughter himself if she finds out anything, even though it's been five years since James was killed and then the buddy gives an explanation of what they are and what's going on.

In case you hadn't guessed, it's not just the bundles he originally took that are under the house, it's all the money and the instructions where left with his lawyer to give to his daughter when she turned 21. That “five years later” bit also makes the boss probably banging James Spader's daughter now a bit more acceptable... so long as you ignore that he killed her dad.

Some more explanation of what's been going on after his death when they go visit his wife, and a nice little “we can explain not having to pay for a bigger cast” in that apparently, after you die and don't move on, you only see “loved ones, the people that matter”. Well played. Honestly, all kidding aside, aside from a couple minor details, I can't really find too much fault with this one so far. I'm not sure why this movie was included in a pack with crap like Zombie Dearest. Also, have to backtrack on the James Spader thing. Doesn't look much like him at all. Still going to call him that for the rest of the review, but don't take that too literally.

Actually, I'm just going to end the review here. A bunch of stuff's been going on (including a bit of bad acting, it's really a shame since up till now it's been pretty good), but on the whole it's good enough that I can't enjoy reviewing it like the others. This one I actually recommend people watch. Hell, so long as nothing happens at the end to ruin this, this one alone is worth the $5 for these movies.

Nope, nothing ruined it. They tied up everything that I can remember, made a pretty damn good ending, and all and all, made a movie that people should see. I kinda feel cheated in that I didn't even drink that much while watching this, but that's what the second disk is for.

Oh, by the way, the daughter was played by Sarah Foret and the name doesn't ring any bells so I guess I just mistook her for someone else. You know, in case that was really bugging you or something.

Zombie Dearest

A while ago I bought a DVD for $5 called "The Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3" which is an 8 movie pack (as the case reminds you). I... have no excuse why. The only thing I can offer is to say that I once made a short film that was so bad that I took it off YouTube because it was terrible. Anyway, MST3K be dammed, this involves my loves of booze, movies, writing, and finding fault in other peoples hard work. Here's the third review and brace yourselves, this one is worse (both in terms of the movie and my review) than the other two:
Instead of waiting till another night like I'd originally planned, I went ahead and tossed on Zombie Dearest right after Witchcraft 13 because I had nothing better to do that night (which says something about my nights but we'll leave that alone for now).  Looking back at the review for the first time since writing it, I should maybe have not done that.  I can barely make sense of what I was trying to say in some parts and the first paragraph is just a jumble of sentence fragments and I'm pretty sure stream of consciousness writing.  On the other hand, I'm not going to subject myself to watching this movie again plus tonight I actually have shit to do and no one reads this anyway.  So here goes:

Voice-over. All about a failed writer. Who is ranting about his poor relationship with his wife... and then her best friend... and then... that's just poor penis puppetry [ed. note: I honestly can't remember if the guy was actually flashing his dick around or if this was supposed to be a joke on my part about something, take it whichever way you want]. Also, these “actors” all look like they should be in porn. Probably have been. The “acting” assumes it. I'm already drunk after the last movie... this is still pornorific style acting. And video quality. And now more acting. All... “Canadian-style” minus the talent. And the looks. Well, the guys wear the “Canadian” look (plaid on top of lumberjack OR plaid on top of older lumberjack), but the girls... not hot enough. Evangeline Lilly or Kristen Kruek or even "in-her-prime" Pam Anderson this girl is not. Curly-haired blonde terrible actress in a background of B.C./”Canadian”/Oregon forest? Yes, that's what she is.

Anyway, she rolls into bed with the younger bushwhacker (who is also her ex-husband) based on... some sound she heard? Then she tells him not to try to hook up with her because his saving her from the imaginary phantoms she crawled into bed with him to avoid aren't there so she can sleep on her own. Also, she's a secretary in the local town, but doesn't want to be called a secretary, and doesn't want anyone to think of her as a secretary while her ex-husband works as a... painter? Carpenter? Handyman? Poorly able to do any of those things? Anyway, she still sleeps in bed with him and he still tries to exterminate things (because he's an exterminator as well), and... tries to write (first time seen doing that since the voice over telling us he's a writer). Then he drowns a rat in the toilet... or something. Either way, his wife gets freaked out when she goes to the toilet and then the writer and the plumber say the word “retard” several times... and several times more... and a few times beyond that. It even pisses off the writer. He doesn't like the word “retard” being said. So he kicks out the plumber and starts digging up the septic tank himself. Seems as logical as anything else so far.

At about this point it starts to “hint” (sledge hammer of obviousness) that the ex(maybe current? Starting to doubt the divorce)-wife is pregnant. And he keeps digging. And then smells something he's not wanting to smell. And then wishes he had someone to help him dig/work. Then the Zombie shows up. Yes. Just like that. Worst one-sided phone call ever. Who the fuck is he calling? Then the zombie keeps looking at him and he tells the phone “fuck, I'll call you back” or something like that.

Hey, I guess curly blonde who got a job at a law firm or somewhere happened to bang the balding lawyer back before she married the ex-husband who she sleeps in bed with. Facts for later, I'm sure.

Now that the “proper authorities” have decided this was all a prank, the handy-man is instructing the zombie how to do some digging. He is very pleased.

A song about “Going Home To Canada” plays as the woman tries to seduce her boss and the handyman tries to tell the zombie how to dig a proper hole. Then the music ends and he's still talking. And it's terrible. He thinks he's funny. Not just in the movie where he's acting like a stand up comedian for the zombie, but in general. He thinks he's funny. In this movie. He thinks he can escape it. That's... kinda funny. But in the wrong way that the character/actor is trying to play it.

I may have misinterpreted. I guess, after one scene, it's a movie about the wife being the bread-winner and the husband being a free-spirit comedian/writer/free-thinker/douche-bag. Also, she flat out says he's the home-maker if they have kids and “she'll take care of the finances”.

Some of the bad acting can be excused for a couple reasons:

1. The lead guy thinks he's an 80s stand-up comic prodigy. That's terrible on it's own, but if he's playing it right, it makes sense.
2. ...There is no 2. That's the only reason the acting might be taken as a joke and... it really shouldn't be. Not even for the guy that thinks he's a comedian.

Fun fact: if you pause the movie right after Debra (the wife that's been trying to seduce her boss this whole movie) finds out that “Quinto is a zombie working for her husband/ex-husband/serious-moustache-loving-trailer-park-aficionado: you can find about 193 pornos built into that scenario. All you have to do is substitute either the zombie or the guy with another girl... leaving the moustache, of course.

And now the zombie is a metaphor for Mexicans. And they went over the top with the metaphor. And it's even worse that they keep going while the white guy with the “hot” wife talks about how hard he has it while sporting some “trying to be ethnic” facial hair.

Suddenly: a party. Why not. The writer making jokes about a self-help book about religion with a priest and... it's actually marginally funny until they go into it in the “car” scene and they hit someone (a zombie). So they get out of the car, see it's only a Mexican (sorry, “zombie”), get back in the car and keep going... It wasn't the original zombie that they knew, after all, just A zombie. Is this a metaphor? Yes. Is it worse than the one from “Witchcraft 13” about being gay? ...No? Yes? I'm going with yes.

I guess there's someone looking after the labourers around... wherever this movie is set. He's a guy looking for... his own labourer? Suddenly this isn't Mexicans and day labourers, this is slavery. Or wait, it's nearly the same thing (as the movie makes the point).
Also, lawyers are terrible dicks and let no one tell you otherwise. That's the next scene. After that, the woman that had last told she wanted to “never see [the handyman] again” is enticed into a sex scene (complete with what can only be described as carnival music) with him because of... some flowers and him in an apron when she gets home? I need to take notes.

Don't get too excited, though, it's all so poorly lit you can see nothing but you kinda assume you did because it's “arty” and whatnot. Then they realize the zombie is in the room with them. Also, there's some odd role playing going on before that. She has a miner's helmet on.
OH MY GOD!
“Why are there zombies?”

“Because I made a wish while holding a dead man's cock.”

That. Just. Happened!

She leaves, he keeps doing his bad stand up and... he falls down. This is important for him. Because he carries the box he tripped over into the barn and tries to assert his dominance over everything by calling for his Mexi-ZOMBIE friend and then teaching him some things. By beating him until he understands. How very White-Man's Guilt of him. Oh yeah, I guess the Zombie bit him so ... that means... something?

I keep finding acting that is worse than the last time I said “worst acting ever”. And this time it involves terrible acting twice over the two main characters fighting with crossed arms in the foreground and two secondary characters fighting in the background with one being a zombie and trying to eat the other. Yeah, funny. Except not really and just sad.

My god, this movie is still going? Okay, here goes: she inherited something, there's candles all over the place for no reason, he's being a dick, she's trying to act, he fails at acting, she says “why am I not crying?” and we all answer “because you can't act”. After that, they're still by the fireplace and getting it on and talking about killing the zombie. He's outside listening to them plan his demise and now... they act together, then a health and safety advertisement about needing 8 glasses of water a day, then they bury their zombie and go on living their lives. Together. I guess. Oh, except the zombie isn't dead and they decide to shoot him in the head with a shot gun and “need an exterminator”. Then they don't shoot him, but hold him on a spike in a silo. Also,now (months later) is the first time she realizes he's been bleeding out of his neck for a while.

Now things get stupid. Beyond this. There's a stand up show going on with the lead actor as the comic. This is even more painful to watch as a movie than it would be to watch him from the audience of a real comedy club. That... might be the point? If it is, well played, you magnificent bastard. You made a movie that sucked so bad and ended with lines like “he's been bitten by a zombie” and made it so bad your stand-up routine would look awesome if you ever did it live.

Oh wait, the movie is still going. All of that is failure and wrong. This movie just sucks.

Nine possible mercy killings later, the acting-less blonde is still being chased around by zombies. Then she screams out a window. The she keeps her top on which is significant because we now find out the entire movie was a fantasy in the writer's mind going back to one of the first scenes when it was his birthday. The end. Yes, that's it. To be fair, the end credit music tries very hard to be cool enough to make up for the rest of the movie. It almost does it.
This movie... my god it's a good thing I was still drunk from the last one.