Monday, 25 August 2014

Highlander II: The Quickening

     So of the things I've learned on my hiatus: 1: don't trust a college kid to write a monthly review of bad movies while drunk ESPECIALLY if he's going to be going to Europe for a month in that time; 2: Fuck it, I'm going to keep doing this anyway, I might as well write it down.
      So begins Highlander II: The Quickening. Fuck me.
      We'll start by getting a lot of the easy jokes out of the way first: Highlander... is a ridiculous movie. Sean Connery is a Spanish Egyptian with a Scottish accent and he's mentoring Christopher Lambert who is supposed to be Scottish but has a French accent. And that is literally the least ridiculous thing about the first movie! ...Maybe. I personally think the least ridiculous thing about the first movie is that they live in a world where all music is Queen. No one can possibly convince me that a world where Freddy Mercury and Brian May being responsible for all music is not a better world than the one we live in. It also saddens me that I can't make a joke about how the first movie was all Queen and the second movie they're in a world with no Queen because the second movie was made in 1991 and Freddy died of AIDS. In a perfect world, Queen was also the soundtrack to Highlander II... and Highlander II would have been better. We do not live in a perfect world where all music is Queen.       And so we start... in the far off world of the future of 1999... could the early 90s not choose a further place in the future for things to happen just in case they were stupid (like they always are)? Besides that, the ozone is gone by 99, and the world's top scientists plus Connor MacLeod (our hero from the first Highlander) are putting up some sort of satellite fueled 90s effects-style shield to block the entire Earth from the light of the sun... yes, that's as dumb as you think it is. This is Highlander II, after all. Now it's 25 years later, and the immortal Highlander is in make-up to look 25 years older and-
     Can we just ask one serious question of this franchise? Why, if these guys are immortal, did Sean Connery get to be... old, before he kept living throughout the years while Lambert only aged until he was “action hero” age before living for several hundred years (same goes for Clancy Brown (the Kurgan) in the first one)? Who decides when these guys stop aging since they're supposed to be immortal? Thankfully, there's an answer in this next scene where old (Connor has aged all of those 25 years... putting this year at 2024) Highlander is at the opera and dead Sean Connery (he died halfway through the first movie) is talking to him.
      Connery's voice: “Remember, Highlander, remember your home. Another Galaxy.”
      Lambert's voice: “Yes! Yes I remember! 500 year ago!”
Given that Connery was supposed to be from ancient Egypt: WHAT?!?!
      Lambert again: “...on the planet Ziest!”
      This suddenly turned into Lawrence Of Arabia crossed with the lowest budget Star Wars rip-off (Ice Pirates? No, Ice Pirates is awesome). And now Sean Connery is saying a bunch of bullshit... but it's no matter, anything said in Sean Connery Voice is automatically important. Then some bullshit “Quickening” that basically sounds like Sean Connery has just tricked Christopher Lambert into marrying him.
      MICHAEL IRONSIDE! How in all fuck does he look like a grizzled, 40-something, seen-it-all, asshole that owns every scene he's in for like... 30 years? Seriously, He looks the same now (minus the ridiculous mullet) as he does in every movie he's ever in. And he sounds the same too. Just pure “don't give a fuck, I'm the one with power” bad-ass. Michael Ironside is the best, is basically what I'm saying.
       He's the bad guy and he wants to kill Lambert and Connery. Despite Ironside having the better last name, any match that features “Connery & Lambert vs Ironside”... I'll vote James Bond and Highlander vs a guy whose name is better than any nickname he could get). Wait. He's the ruler of the Highlander race (on planet Ziest because: stupid) but he's willing to take the leaders of the rebels into custody and then give them a trial in front of impartial judges where they are sentenced to banishment (“to the planet Earth. Once there, you will be immortal” …and this is their punishment?) and he accepts it. Are... are we cheering for the bad guys?
      Now there's some black suited terrorists trying to break into the shield complex through the dam that is, for some reason, part of the shield against the sun. This is dumb, but Virginia Madsen is their leader and she's hot and we've been told the Shield corporation is evil so I guess it's okay.
      There is SOOOOOO much cheesey sci-fi backgrounds going on. If this movie were made now I'd venture that the sets were made intentionally to be a parody of awful sci-fi. As it is, they have old (previously immortal) Christopher Lambert putting money into the juke box in some early 90s equivalent to an 80s dive bar in a move set in the mid-2020s... AND IT'S STILL NOT QUEEN!
      Seriously, you have your hero from the 80s picking a song... and you DON'T make it “Champions Of The Universe”? The literal theme song to his last movie? How could you NOT do that? There's so much irony, there's so much... oh wait. They are playing a Queen song. It's... not a good song. It may just be somebody trying to sound like Queen. Fuck 'em, some random fat girl in a flower dress decided to attack Highlander while he was old and in a bar. She got away and he got hurt and this movie is all kinds of stupid. Virginia Madsen is now talking to Highlander outside the bar and trying to tell him she isn't a terrorist despite her being a terrorist. Turns out she's just a whistle blower smeared by the corporate world. Also: that whole terrorist raid, but whatever. Moral high ground to the hot girl vs the faceless corporation!
      The Planet Ziest. Michael Ironside is sending two nimrods (he literally mumbles the words “it's so hard to find good help” before sending them off) to go kill Lambert on Earth despite... all logic. Even the idiot henchmen know sending Ziestians to earth will make Connor MacLoed immortal again since he will no longer be the last Highlander on Earth which... magic... heads cut off... oh my god this franchise is fucking stupid.
      Hoverboard fight scene with the idiots vs Lambert (MacLoed) and he's calling for “his old friend Rameriz” (Connery). I hate 1991. This movie thinks it's Michael Keaton's Batman and-
      Seriously, there's a train. Going down the middle of a street. Not one of those San Fran street cars or anything, a literal train going down the middle of the street for no reason other than to have MacLoed fighting on top of it. Oh, and now that he's killed one of the henchmen, and broken everything in the surrounding area (serious electric storm going on during this), he's young again... and looking like he's trying to model shampoo. I swear to god, there were a lot of shots in the first movie where they were basically framed JUST so Christopher Lambert could look like a hair product model. This movie... he does it once, and goes into a flying sword fight with the other henchman. Literally flying. They have hoverboards. This movie is stupid. There's too much flying. Not just for “beleiveabilty” or anything (that went out the window long ago) but just in general. There's too many and too long of shots of people flying and not nearly enough actual fighting for this fight scene.
      And now, for only slightly non-contractual reasons, Sean Connery shows up. In the middle of a performance of Hamlet and... “comedy”? This movie is awful. Fuck everything. There are bag pipes playing as Connery leaves the stage performance of Hamlet on Broadway. None of that makes any sense in this world or any other. Fuck you, planet Ziest.
      So Virgina Madsen (in her late 20s/early 30s at this point) just saw the 60ish year old guy she'd come to confront about the shield keeping the sun away fight two dicks on hoverboards and change into a 30some year old 80s action hero looking guy.... might as well make out with him in an alley!
      She does try and sum up the stupid of the plot. As they're both standing in flashy silk robes and drinking in the middle of a room so big that it could never exist outside of cartoons/comics in New york City. She makes it sound stupid, like it is, and then Connor (Lambert) just flicks it away by saying “yes, something like that”. THE BALLS ON THIS MOVIE! I salute them. Think about it: how many retarded movies are made nowadays. How many of them point out that they are retarded, And how many of them do that with a guy that looks like early 90s Christopher Lambert in jeans and a black sweater toasting a drink to the literal explanation of the retarded plot? None. Highlander II is king of everything.
      I hate this movie. So dumb. We're going to skip ahead for a long while. The version goes: The radiation above the shield is normal, Dr. Cox from Scrubs is being his dickish self but evil. And he can act circles around Chris Lambert... but is TRYING SO HARD NOT TO... and then Ironside shows up on Earth. Is as awesome as his name is (as far as a terrible movie allows). And then is MORE awesome because the entire subway scene is stupid beyond words. Everything about it re-inforces Michael Ironside's commentary about the movie where he says: “it was a piece of shit. If I was going to be in it, I was going to be so over the top...” (paraphrases)
      The scene in the church is ridiculous. Ironside acts circles around Lambert. The diolgoue pushes the limits of what is... well, not “believable” since they lost that long ago, but even “stomachable”.
      And now Sean Connery is walking around Scotland looking for a new suit and... comedy? This movie sucks. SOOOO HARD! This scene: fuck all things ever. For all time. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN END UP LOOKING GOOD! (Sean Connery aside). The suit is awful, the comedy is not, everything is wrong with this movie and I hate you all.
      The whole point of 5 minutes of this movie is: Sean Connery is a pimp, regardless of the age or planet his born into. That could literally be summed up by just a picture of Sean Connery and those words being spoken by him. No one else, even despite his “punching women in the face” stance, could ever just stand behind a picture of himself, tell you he was awesome, and then have all the ladies wanting him, and all the guys wanting to punch him for stealing the ladies but being too scared to 'cause he's Sean Connery. Seriously? How could you punch James Bond? What happens when you miss?
      Highlander II is still happening.
      It really shouldn't be. But Michael Ironside DEMANDS he have a sword fight at some point. (35 minutes left in the movie) Ironside shows up at the corporate meeting that Dr. Cox is trying to run and... GETS SHOT BUY DR. COX'S GOON! That is LITERALLY the best thing about this movie and the start of some 80s/90s hybrid that involves RoboCop.
      TELL ME you would not pay to see that movie!
      Patent pending.
      Ironside doesn't die... I still think it's odd a guy has a hitman with him in a board meeting... and then Ironside takes over. He's talking with Dr. Cox and they are trying SOOO hard to be good actors despite the movie they're in. They both succeed. Lambert: does not.
      Virginia Madsen: goes from terrorist leader to “sleeping love interest” within half an hour and the movie is only 90 minutes long. The 90s/80s?! Either way, being a woman in an “action movie” (this one lacking ALL the action) sucks. At least in Die Hard, Holly tazered the guy.
      Literally, 2/3rds of the way through the movie, Lambert and Connery meet up. This isn't so shattering a news except the ONLY REASON this movie was made was the first one made money, and Christopher Lambert became friends with Sean Connery while filming the first one to the point where he INSISTED Connery be in the second one (even though Connery's character died) or he wouldn't make the movie
      I... start to see why this movie was so ridiculous..
      Side note: is Christopher Lambert in the Expendables yet? I feel like he should be in The Expendables if for no other reason for there to be a ridiculously large explosion (80s/Expendables-style) and have him walk out of it afterward and be like “yeah, what did you expect? I'm never going to die.”
     That'd be the hat tip for the end of that franchise. As for this one:
      For no reason Sean Connery and Christopher Lambert sword fight and trade quips. And then are friends and drinking. And then Virginia Madsen shows herself and Sean Connery says (I kid you not): “It’s nice to see some things have improved over the years”.
      This means: A: women have improved in the last 500 years that Sean Connery hasn't been around for. B: Literally everything Sean Connery says in this movie is based on the camera being pointed at him, the director whispering “action”, and him just saying whatever the fuck came to mind as he was boozing it up with Lambert and playing the “I'm James Bond” card.
      Oh my god, they try to do comedy. WITHOUT playing up the fact Lambert has been in America for (at least) dozens of years and hasn't lost his accent. Also, they have Sean Connery saying lines while he's CLEARLY in the “fuck it, I want some money” part of his career.
      (Personal note: I blame this movie for League Of Extraordinary Gentleman even though it was like 10 years after the fact and Connery was in The Avengers before it was cool and... well, basically I blame this movie for EVERYTHING Sean Connery related and James Bond related.... except for the GoldenEye game for N64. That was AMAZING and could only have been improved by having Connery replace Brosnan)
      The movie. Still going on.
      The Highlanders are in a car. Getting shot up by goons. Why is this dramatic? They're IMMORTAL and everyone knows it. ...And Virginia Madsen plays the dumbest blonde ever... and... it works? I hate this movie, this plan, this stupid fucking idiot fucking shit.
      Clearly now they are in the morgue (which is where Madsen is because she's a witness and dumb things are going to happen this movie, accept it).
     All alive, one liners, plot advancement. I would rather play GoldenEye.
      I could literally not care less about this.
      Holy fuck: Ironside and Dr. Cox are in a scene and trying to out act each other. This might b the best scene of the entire movie considering these are the only two actors (non-Sean Connery edition) who can actually act. And they, at this point in the movie, know how shitty it is. This is going to be Shatner levels of awesome.
      IronCox are idiots. They think they can leave killer fans around James Bond and think it's going to kill James Bond, Highlander, and [Hot Girl #85].
      There's literally no way that happens in any movie franchise either of them are in. (side note: Christopher Lambert is in Southland Tales which is an AWESOME movie and he... is AWESOME in it)
      None of this makes sense in the movie. Everyone that has ever sen this is stupid. Ironside and John C. McGinly are lucky to be so awesome they get away from this.
Highlander fights Ironside. Highlander wins.
      Highlander went on to be Christopher Lambert who was AWESOME in Southland Tales and also great in Expendables.... 4? I seriously think Lambert (the Highlander) needs to be in Expendables.
      Sean Connery went on to be bitter. Turn down Gandalf, and then make LXG because he was old and didn't know better.
     Virginia Madsen went on to be “that girl who's the wife of the guy” in a lot of movies but still hot 20 years later.
      Michael Ironside went on to be AMAZING. If you need a reason: “The Machinist” with Christian Bale, Also: any other Ironside performance, ever. Hardest Canadian since Bob Baun.
      John C. McGinley went on to make friends with Oliver Stone and be in all movies he's ever made. Plus Dr. Cox on Scrubs.
     Highlander II is awful. Even Highlander movies and the series that came out after it ignore it.

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Theordore Rex: Part One

     Before anything else, a note: I'm going to stop doing these reviews for a while (which would pretty much mean business as usual given how many weeks/months/whatever I miss anyway) but I've given control of the blog over to someone else who may or may not get around to writing some reviews of his own in this space.  Best of luck to Stevie and hopefully it goes so well that everyone who reads this (it very well might just be Stevie anyway) forgets all about me and doesn't want me back.  Anyway, on to the review of part of Theodore Rex.

     It's Fan Appreciation Month! ...Or at least “take a fan's suggestion 'cause I don't have many fans so I should try not to alienate them” month. Either way, up on the block is 1995's “Theodore Rex” which I always though was basically a buddy cop comedy starring Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur of the Jim Henson's Dinosaurs TV show variety. This, on the surface, seems like a can't-lose prospect. You've got the buddy cop genre that was in a bit of a lull between Lethal Weapon and Rush Hour, plus dinosaurs which were surging in popularity from Jurassic Park and the aforementioned TV show, and also Whoop Goldberg who was Guinan on Star Trek: The Next Generation and also did comedy work in Sister Act (which, now that I think of it, was just an Americanized version of Nuns On The Run since they're both about people trying to run from the mob and hiding in nunneries except Sister Act has one fewer Monty Python member and one fewer scene of Catholic school girls showering so it's CLEARY the inferior of the two) so this should've been awesome. But then again, so should Street Fighter have been (JCVD doing fighting, Kylie Minogue in a bathing suit, Raul Julia being awesome) and that... actually, I stand by my opinion that Street Fighter is one of the greatest comedies ever made and the only problem is very few people seem to understand that that's what it is (Raul Julia did, though, but he's dead so he can't back me up on this). Anyway, onto Theodore Rex so we can see how they managed to fuck this up.
      A voice-over reciting the lines that appear onscreen in a font that looks like it belongs in a fairy tale set in the middle ages... I'm not sure they knew what type of movie they had on their hands with the concept I just described. This isn't promising and neither is the fact that the first line is “once upon a time in the future”. We let Star Wars get away with crap like that because A New Hope was awesome, less slack will be given to you, Theodore Rex, you've been warned. The voice-over just gave away pretty much the bad guy's entire plot while clumsily trying to set up the story (just like Star Wars... guys, I really think the people in charge of this have no idea what kind of movie they're making) which is not really a good thing to do in a buddy cop movie.
      They're now trying to be very dramatic with a black & white, slow motion scene of some guy in a trench coat running through the woods or an abandoned amusement park or something. He's got a gun and is chasing somebody and... THERE'S THE DINOSAUR! It... it does not look well. Not in the “it's sick” kind of way, either, just in the “shouldn't we maybe spend a bit of money on the dinosaur costume for our movie where the title character is a talking dinosaur? Nah, I'm sure it'll be fine with two bucks worth of plastic and rubber” kind of way. Oh look, some colour added to the scene in the form of a digitally animated butterfly that flies over and lands on the dinosaur's nose. This serves more to highlight the fact that there WAS technology available for things like “effects” and “special effects” but they chose to use it on butterflies and (I assume) high grade cocaine and heroin rather than on the dinosaur. I... would like to think I'd make a different choice if only because if the dinosaur looked better maybe the movie would've made more money and I could then use THAT money on the high grade drugs.
      The butterfly explodes and it turns out it was just a dream as (who I assume is) Theodore Rex wakes up in some adorable pajamas and a sleeping cap while also startling his dog. Yes, the Tyrannosaurus Rex has a pet dog. This is the kind of movie it's going to be. Just accept it and move on. Also: we're in colour and his arms are long enough to reach for a phone and bring that phone up to his head so he can talk into it. “Teddy Rex” is a cop and calls in to see if anything odd happened that night because “he had a funny feeling”. Upon finding out there was a murder and saying he was on his way, he rushes... into the bathroom to take a shower and sing a Sesame Street style song. He also talks to himself a lot and puts on a neon orange flannel coat and says to himself in the mirror he's “looking good”. The 90s were weird, okay?
      He owns a device called (and labeled) a Cookie Shooter. There are no jokes to be made for this. I would just like to say that I would invest money in this product and would like to get in on the ground floor of whoever builds a working prototype.
      The cityscape looks like some mix of Dick Tracy (the movie) mixed with mid-90s computer graphics in cartoon-bright colours. I'm not sure what else I expected them to be, now that I think about it.
      A guy is roller-blading and gets shot by what I assume are the bad guys and Whoopi Goldberg is zip lining from the rooftop in order to bust into their truck and announce herself as a cop after some dialogue with her partner about her CPU being ready for action while wearing black leather everything while still in the cartoonish cityscape I mentioned. I feel like this scene needs to be mentioned more often on lists of the most 90s things to ever 90s. Especially with the “witty” dialogue going on. And of course there's a shootout and Whoopi ends up riding the underside of a surgical table while being dragged from the back of the truck and shooting at the henchmen. And now, after the chase/fight ends with the truck exploding (because of course it does), Whoopi and her partner get yelled at by the chief (“you call yourselves cops? You're a circus act!”) via hologram. This could be the greatest cheesy movie ever.
      I guess the first dinosaur wasn't just in a dream since there's a dead dino in a pond and this is the one that Teddy Rex shows up to and talks to some human cop about how “all dinos have a 'feel' for each other”. Is... is this some new kind of racism? Are dinosaurs supposed to represent minorities and this is some racist white guy assuming all blacks/Hispanics/Asian/whatever are telepathically linked? That's weird, even by racism standards. Worth mentioning: all the human cops are wearing black leather and looking (well, TRYING to look, remember: two of them are Whoopi Goldberg and some doughy white guy that looked like Andy Richter) like pre-Matrix bad-asses, while Rex is wearing the orange coat, a purple shirt, and a green sweater underneath the shirt with a rainbow scarf on top of it all. I suppose when you're a goddamn Tyrannosaurus Rex you don't need to be worried about looking like a bad-ass: you ARE a bad-ass.
      The bad guys are now in conference. Then henchman from Whoopi's scene is reporting to “Mr. Edge” (the bad guy that killed the first dino. It's a quick scene and pointless since all that happens is henchman gives Edge a medallion off the guy he killed.
      Raccoons are extinct and young black children are working at dinners and sounding like old black men who work in dinners and say things like “what's happening to the world today?”. The kid wants to set Whoopi up with his dad who apparently owns the place, though so I guess he's just a kid not some weird case of... I don't even know. Also, Whoopi is “off work now” but gets called in and just immediately folds over. Same as when the kid asks her to come meet his dad. She says no, and then says yes right away. What the hell kind of cop is she?
      Teddy Rex is at some ball trying to meet the commissioner. There are some “hilarious” “he can't control his tail” moments and then he meets the commish, and the doctor that revived dinosaurs (and the hot girl that is just there to be hot... which she is). Also, Rex is just a “community relations” police officer. Just a publicity stunt. But he wants in on the case because it's the first “dinocide” in history. This is also TOTALLY about racism, by the way. The commisioner (who is black, by the way) and his aide (who is white) are talking in the most racist terms imaginable about the headlines where the “visionary comissioner who had the foresight to see beyond race appointed the first dinosaur detective”. Teddy is also a recovering carnivore. That is the dumbest term for vegitarian ever. And now Rex is being partnered up with Whoopi in classic wacky buddy cop movie logic. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Last Action Hero (in this case with the scenes where the desk sargeant is partnering up teams of cops in the most opposite fashion possible) is an amazing movie and anyone that doesn't understand why is a fucking idiot. The commishioner is also wearing a white scarf like he's in Tim Burton's Batman. Whoopi doesn't like dinosaurs. She's speciest.
      The aide is on the payroll of the bad guys (the scientist who created dinosaurs and the hot girl as well as the others from before) and he LITERALLY says that he's “teamed up the division's token dinosaur with a burned out cop” to solve the case and that “they'll definitely blow it”. How could that NOT be considered heavy handed forshadowing?
      Rex is a bumbling fool. That's basically the jist of the next scene with him and Whoopi. No movie where Whoopi Goldberg is the hard-ass of the pair should be taken seriously and I wonder why this ever was. I mean, they're having a dino autopsy in the Museum of Natural History and the doctor in charge is the “head dinosaurologist” and I did not make that term up, they did. This movie is the best. Also, Teddy now mind melds with the dead dinosaur... and also gets a piece of the exploding butterfly out of the snout of the dead dinosaur. And then uses a tail print like a finger print (because why not?) and they're led to the Extinct Species Club where the most terrifying version of a triceratops I've ever seen is working the bar while wearing a checkerboard shirt. Or maybe he's the DJ. It's... it's not important since there's some other dinosaur that meets them at the door wearing a PVC French maid costume and speaking with an overly flamboyantly gay accent. This movie is so ridiculous that I can't even imagine. They're served some plastic seaweed and we're treated to some discussion about eating meat and we learn that dinos call humans “soft bodies”.
      And now the “Jessica Rabbit introduction” scene. Because Who Framed Roger Rabbit was awesome so why not ape that? Her name is Molly Rex and she's Carmen Miranda or Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles and just ridiculous. But, as my friend Julie pointed out: they put enough thought thought into the movie to give her a mic to wear and sing into to make it realistic... but not enough to care about any other realism.
      For no reason Rex and Whoopi are backstage after Molly's dressing room talking to her and telling her the dead dino was registered as living with her and... okay, it's not important because she's changing costumes and they're trying to make it sexy and... WHO IS THAT SUPPOSED TO APPEAL TO? I mean... if it's a parody, sure, but this is just something else.
      Now the bad guys are chasing Teddy on skateboards while he's in a car and they're keeping up. This is ridiculous. Also, clones or something a creepy doctor doing the autopsy for the human Whoopi is investigating. Teddy doesn't believe in violence. Doesn't even have a gun. Whoopi's response when she responds to his call for help? “you don't believe in violence? And you want to be a police person?” HOW IS THIS NOT THOUGHT OF AS HEAVY HANDED “SATIRE” AND THE PINACLE OF 90S MOVIES?!!
      Now they're getting yelled at by the commish again. After Rex was starting to unleash his rage on the desk seargeant when asking for a new dino friendly car. And for no reason Whoopi was defending him. She hated him not two seconds ago. Whatever.
      Teddy wants to go undercover so he goes to the transporter room (that is what it looks like and is obviously meant to be) and talks to some woman in charge of it and she pushes some buttons while he's on the transporter pad and makes him look like a Bugs Bunny-style opera star and then pushes the button again and give him a stereotypical 1800s Mexican revolutionary look. This is the movie we're watching. He talks it terrible Spanglish until they push the button again and make him stereotypically Hawaiian. And then Scottish. Funny? I guess. But the final thing he gets is... I don't even know how to explain it except to say “late 80s rapper” with a T-Rex wearing it and saying “yeah. I'm too sexy for my clothes” while Whoopi Goldberg says “you look like a real cop”. WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE THEY LIVING IN? That's undercover? What in all kinds of fuck?
    Their new car is a garbage truck. This seems dumb for mor reasons than ever. Now they're going to play hockey on rollerblades and I REALLY think I need to review Mighty Ducks 2 since this is now the scene where they have kids teaching them how to knuckle puck. Except Teddy scores three goals with his tail while the goalie does nothing. There is no reason for this scene.
      Whoopi and Teddy get to the park where the evil doc is doing evil things. The hot girl in red greets them and does nothing exept lead them to the doctor. Her whole point in this movie is “be hot”. It's tragic because it's so obvious. I mean, there are SO MANY other”just because you're hot” roles for women out there, at least they could have made this one less conspicuous...
      The bad guy talks English with a German accent. This is the most common thing EVER in Hollywood movies... maybe second common to Russian bad guys. Third is “Arabic” villains like in True Lies and other movies... All of that racism aside, there's now a German villain talking about the extermination of people/dinosaurs/etc.  Just throwing that out there for all the history majors in the crowd.
      Whoopi Goldberg mimicking the hot Chick in red is... funny? That seems to be the idea... it falls flat. I'll say it since no one else wants to: Whoopi Goldberg had lesbian sex with Demi Moore in the movie “Ghost”. Pat Swayze was dead and possessing her, sure, but it's still Whoopi's body that was finishing Demi off.  Try to get that out of your head.
      Back to the movie.
      There's a a BUNCH of bullshit... from dinosaurs and they all get placated by foreign sounding guy and red dress sounding like they care about the death of a dinosaur. I... I can't even guess how racism this is. It's a lot.
      For literally no reason, the black kid that was running the dinner is now being hassled by the bad guys. He tries to fight but... we're cut with Rex getting drawn into Jessica/Molly Rabbit/Rex and her... wait? Why are we at Teddy Rex's place? Seems like a poor place for whatever witness she was supposed to be. This is... going to be like the lizard sex scene in Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas.
Whoopi calls Teddy out and, for no reason that can be explained, he leaves a “hot” reptile lover to go with Whoopi Goldbberg to try and solve a crime. And ther's the most 90s... this blog doesn't do pictures, but the shot of him leaving his apartment to fight crime now takes over as “most 90s thing ever”.

Friday, 21 March 2014

13/13/13 ("lousy Smarch weather")

      We're going to call my missing February an “Olympic Break” (even though I only watched a total of like four hockey games and enough of the closing ceremony to see a giant crying bear and that was it for my Olympic experience) rather than just say I got lazy and skipped over it. Also, even though it's March and I should probably do something St. Patrick's Day related like Leprechaun (or one of its sequels) or move into reviewing terrible movies people have heard of (like The Core) or something like I'm thinking about doing, all of you can shut up because we're doing “13/13/13” this time. Why? Because there's a Simpsons quote about something like that (Marge: “It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the faulty calendars the school had purchased. Homer: “Lousy Smarch weather. Do not touch Willy. Good advice!”) and I haven't stopped giggling about the coincidence since I found out this movie was a thing in January and the description of it makes it sound like something even present day Simpsons writers gave up on for being too dumb. Namely: “For millennia, calendars have added an extra day every four years. In doing so, they violated the ancient Mayan calendar. Now we are in the 13th month of the 13th year of the new millennium, and the few who survive will battle a world of demons.” Lousy Smarch demons invading our world somehow.
      We start with a guy turning into his driveway and walking into his house from the car. This is only notable since, for some reason, as the camera is tracking along beside the car as it slowly rolls up the driveway. It cuts... to the exact same shot of the car slowing rolling up the driveway from the exact same angle. There's a little break that's hard to notice and I probably wouldn't have if I'd been drinking more already, but I kinda want to know why that happened. Did somebody working the camera trip over a tree branch or something and they figured rather than using a whole new take, they'd just start it over from roughly the same spot?
      Enough of that, though, back to the movie. The guy walks through the house and finds a little girl wearing a Leatherface mask. Except I don't think it's a mask as she's standing beside the bed while a different girl sits playing with dolls and a bunch of “blood” all over her face so I think it's supposed to be her skin that's been cut off and used to make the mask the first girl is wearing. The second girl wants the dad to “come play doll house” with them, and then the first girl jumps at him and we cut to... I think it's the same guy (I didn't get much of a look at him in the car) waking up in a tent while three other dudes sit around a campfire in lawn chairs drinking beers and laughing like idiots. So a pretty good representation of camping, I guess. He gets out of the tent and they start to pressure him into drinking even though it's morning while one of the other dudes is telling a story that turns out to be bullshit. I'm more and more impressed with how the people behind this movie were able to do such a good job capturing the reality of dudes going camping.
      The first guy's looking at his watch (it says “13:13” for the the time! ...although they didn't use the seconds to make it 13:13:13 because subtlety I guess) and he asks who was messing with his watch 'cause he doesn't use military time. Nobody was messing with it, of course, so he just tries to set it back. It doesn't seem to go and now we get 13:13:13 on the watch. That's probably a well developed set-up by this movie's standards.
      They pack up and we find out the first guy's name is “Jack” and that he and at least one of the other guys used to be cops. His other buddy calls him “Killer” so I'm guessing Jack shot somebody while on the force. Oh, and it turns out that first part was just a nightmare. These guys are old friends and Jack is in the middle of a divorce so they're all going on a camping trip to get his mind off it or something. And the car radio clock says 13:13 now, too. Before leaving (although if they haven't left yet, why were they out in the woods in tents around a campfire already?) they stop at Jack's old house to see his kids and soon-to-be-ex wife. It's probably worth noting at this point that there doesn't seem like a lot of reason these guys should be friends. Jack's pretty soft spoken and “nice” or whatever so far, his other cop buddy has been acting like a douche bag, the fat guy has been trying to act like a Douche Cop but comes off as a complete fucking idiot (I'm going to call him “Fat Idiot” until I find out his name... and probably after that, too), and the fourth guy hadn't said much but after Jack mentioned making a stop to see his kids (the oldest daughter is supposed to be 12... I'm guessing she has a birthday coming up) he starts talking and giving off this creepy pedophile vibe that only gets worse when they get to the house and she's playing outside. Douche Cop and Fat Idiot just say hi to her and follow Jack inside after he talked to his daughter, but Probably Pedo says hi and then kinda lingers around for a couple seconds looking at her all creepily before going inside with the rest of them. The daughter then crushes and eats a spider she had in her hand.
      Jack then walks into the kitchen and starts raiding the fridge for beer for his friends. The wife (Marcy) is washing her hands in the kitchen sink because something “won't come off. It just won't come off.” I'm guessing maybe they were actually coming back from the trip rather than just about to go? I might have misheard what they were saying in the car, but now Jack is inviting the rest of the guys (Douche Cop is named Quinton, Fat Idiot is named Joe, and Probably Pedo still doesn't have a name yet) out to dinner since he's taking his daughter Kendra out. It's at this point we see that Marcy has been trying to wash off blood or something as she's ripped open the inside of her left forearm so looks like dinner is canceled and we get a trip to the Poorly Acted Hospital instead.
      Everyone, from other patients, to relatives, to orderlies, to the doctors have their acting turned up to -11 and are complaining about being busy and generally being snappy with everyone. Marcy is, of course, in room 13. As Jack is going back to see her he passes a doctor who says “that's like the thirteenth guy I've lost today” then snaps at him.
      Back at the house, Probably Pedo is looking out the window and creepily watching Kendra play in the driveway while Quinton and Joe sit on the couch drinking beer. Quinton starts “acting” by snapping about wanting a beer. Probably Pedo now goes out to talk to Kendra and yeah, he's definitely a pedophile that Jack's apparently warned his kids about already. This raises the question of why a former cop would even be friends with a pedophile let alone bring him around to his ex-wife's house where his two daughters live and then especially raises the question of why he'd leave the daughters there with the pedophile when he went with his wife to the hospital. Turns out the guy's name is Trevor but that doesn't matter as Kendra ends up violently beating the shit out of him and smashing the back of his head against the driveway while Quinton and Joe sit inside on the couch debating who's getting up to get the next beer. There are many odd things and questionable choices going on so far but no demons and nothing really “bad movie” bad except the acting.
      When Joe and Quinton finally go outside (for no real reason it seems) they find Kendra sitting on Trevor's dead body and then she attacks them and Quinton naturally figures the best response is to attempt to run her over. I know I've mentioned the bad acting a couple times already, but the way the guy playing Quinton goes after it just reminds me of Nicholas Cage for some reason. Just over the edge over the top crazy at all times. Also, other people are starting to randomly attack people as one guy is crawling along the sidewalk and gets his eyes gouged out by some random chick. Quinton Cage (I'm just going to assume that's his last name) knows how to handle this! Full reverse! Ram over top of two people and instantly kill them! Claim it's worth “ten points” and you're “going for a high score” while your dim-witted buddy who can't even hold down a 12 year old girl so you can run her over nods along! Exclamation points after everything because you're intense! Stand around looking at each other not saying anything for way too long! Go back in the house as if nothing's wrong!
      Back to the hospital where Marcy is waking up and it looks like the doctors could only be bothered to bandage up a third of her arm as most of it is still uncovered and all raw from her scratching at it. They really take the whole “your medicare only covers THIS MUCH” thing seriously in the States, huh? Jack explains that the doctors don't know what happened with her but think she may have had a stroke or something which kinda makes me think he might have been talking to a janitor rather than a doctor. The one doctor he was talking to before did throw his doctor's jacket at Jack so maybe he threw it at some other random guy who actually kept it. Jack decides to call Quinton to check up on things at home and Quinton answers and is able to put Kendra on the phone to talk to Jack? This seems odd considering as well as all the murdering people that was going on in the last scene, Kendra also ran off so she shouldn't be home at all. Also, Jack keeps talking like there's only one girl so maybe there isn't another daughter and there absolutely being another daughter in the nightmare scene should just be forgotten. Anyway, Marcy decides now is the time to take the IV drip out of her and attack Jack by jumping on his back while he's on the phone. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm betting Jack's got a good shot at retaining custody of the kid(s) when all this is said and done. Funniest scene in the movie so far: after getting Marcy off his back and restraining her, she ends up biting Jack's arm and he pushes her away causing her to fall over onto the hospital bed which causes him to suddenly forget everything that's happening and start apologizing (“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you that hard”). Unless there was some previous history of domestic abuse that I'm not aware of, that just seems like the most hilariously wrong reaction to a situation since the guy at the start of Bloody Mary stabbed his wife to death because she was naked in bed with another hot girl. And now, Marcy jumps out the third floor window and kills herself for no reason. Suddenly that little “scuffle” is going to lead to some major questions for Jack.
      Quinton and Joe are inside the house again (noticeably absent: Kendra who was just on the phone when Jack called Quinton) and are sitting on the couch about to start drinking beer again. Quinton uses a knife to open his beer can, then decides it'd be funnier to stab Joe in the stomach with it. Joe, after initially crying for a couple seconds, agrees that it's more funny than sad (the exact opposite response people watching this have to this movie) and starts to laugh along with him and they decide to start finger painting the walls with Joe's blood because drinking and as-yet-unmentioned Mayan calendar demons turn you into a violent, artistically-inclined four yet old (also known as “a four year old”).
      The people at the hospital seem to have had the same reaction as Jack leaves the room to find the rest of the hospital looking like the aftermath coma patients in other movies wake up in to discover their in a zombie/Resident Evil movie. This is impressive because in those cases it's taken months or at least 28 days for everything to fall apart like that, but in this case Mayan super-efficiency has made it happen in a matter of minutes. Jack is pulled into a different room which was bound to happen since there's still almost an hour in the movie and all, but the fact that she just randomly opened the door and pulled him in at the exact time he was standing in front of it with his back turned even though there isn't a window in the door for her to see that he was looking away (or, better yet, to see that he was “normal”) makes for some suspiciously good timing. Jack wants to go back and save Kendra, but the girl says Kendra's “as good as dead” out there. This lady seriously underestimates the daughter of a former cop. If she can take on one pedophile who had already started to slap her in the face, I think she's got a good shot at taking on the rest of this crazy, messed-up world. The woman ends up telling Jack her theory that people born on leap years aren't effected because both her and Jack were born on leap years and they're the only two who haven't gone crazy. I'd like to point out that this sort of goes entirely against what the plot says of the movie since, by that logic, February 29th is just another day without any special meaning to it. I'm not sure anyone involved bothered to read over this a second time (or even a first, most likely), though, so we'll chalk that up as another “but weren't there two daughters?” moments.
      Joe and Quinton now have Jack's guns and are loading them up to go “hunt some dinner”. Quinton also flat out tells Joe to “stop laughing like an idiot” which I find funny 'cause Quinton's spent the whole movie laughing like that, and Joe's spent the whole movie being an idiot.
      Candace, the girl who can see through hospital doors, is explaining that “it seems to effect people differently. Some go in and out of craziness, some seem to have multiple personalities or PTSD, but one thing they have in common is they're all incredibly violent towards one another. Over this we get shots of various people covered in blood and wandering through the hospital hallways but also a CGI shot of a glowing blue skeleton holding it's head as it's bright pink brain radiates waves of, I assume, craziness because how else are you going to illustrate that concept? Also, there's “news footage” from riots in Berlin in order to show it's everywhere. I guess if it's happening in L.A. and Germany, then it's gotta be everywhere, right? Two places is enough evidence to conclude that it's a worldwide thing. Jack and Candace now decide it's time to “if I told you, you'd think I was crazy” duel each other. Jack leads off with “everywhere I go today I keep running into 13/13/13” after seeing three 13s on the thermostat (he also calls seeing “13 13 13” on the thermostat “using Celsius” as in “we don't even use Celsius in America” because having the number thirteen on a temperature display three times is clearly Celsius and that's part of the metric system and the metric system is the tool of the devil!). Candace counters with “That's what I've been trying to tell you! Today is 13/13/13!” and goes on with how leap years were invented by adding a day at the end of February and how after 120 years it was “supposed to add up to a whole other month” and how “mathematically speaking” so “today is 13/13/13” (her words, by the way. All stupid, plot-driving, craziness of it). I'm not going to bother with the math or to look up the history of leap years, but I can already say that's fucking duuuuuuummmmmmmb. Also, in this theory, they aren't suicidal so Jack figures that's the point that proves her wrong since Marcy jumped out a window by herself. In case you're keeping score at home: there's still been no mentions of the Mayans.
      It's decided that Jack and Candace are going to fight their way out through the hospital to go find Kendra. Candace says that's a crazy idea 'cause “they can't even see through the door” which seems odd since that's exactly how she met him in the first place. Loss of super powers aside, they arm themselves with scalpels that are just lying around, and open the door. At first it seems clear bet then some guy comes in and there's a struggle before Jack ends up killing him by squishing his head with the door. Of note from this (aside from a relatively little-used horror movie weapon in “door”) is that the new guy somehow knew about and mentioned Jack's daughter while they were wrestling. Damn crazy people and their super powers of reading minds.
      At the house, Joe and Quinton are busy being crazy and apparently forgetting that it was Quinton that stabbed Joe because they just argue about that for a while before going back to shooting the “crazy people outside”. And their finger painting masterpiece was just a couple (I'm guessing there's really three and I've only seen two) 13s on the walls. They decide to board up the windows using a two by four that was just lying around somewhere in the house. Probably a sound tactic, except that they forget the nails and Joe ends up just trying to hammer the board into the wall using the butt of the gun. I'm not sure if these guys are supposed to be the comic relief or what but it's not working.
      Arming themselves with a fire ax and the knife a crazy lady who'd already made one face mask and was trying for a second dropped, Jack and Candace go through the hospital on foot (so they don't get out of the elevator on the ground floor only to be surrounded) looking for the keys out of dead doctor's pockets so they can use on of their cars to escape to Jack's house since they'd both arrived via ambulance. That's actually pretty smart thinking, even if it's just convenient-to-plot so they can get chased down the stairway by a group of crazies.
      Before going on, though, a quick note about that. Why the fuck was that stairway group working in a pack? If all these people have gone crazy and are turning super-violent against each other, wouldn't this bunch (not to mention Quinton and Joe) have ripped each other apart before going after other people? Me and a friend had come up with a theory how regular zombies (think Walking Dead and Romero's Dawn Of The Dead and that style) don't kill each other off 'cause they only attack live prey so, when they see another zombie walking around, they're drawn to it thinking it's possible food but end up finding out it's not alive so they start wandering off together and that's how packs of them form, but in this case that doesn't apply 'cause these aren't “zombies” like that, they're just going crazy and killing each other. What's the logic behind them working together? Shoddy film making, no doubt. Anyway, Jack sprays the first stairway crazy in line with mace that he picked up... somewhere, and he and Candace escape because that first guy fell down and the ones behind him decided to stop running after that. I should really be drinking more as we're pretty much two thirds through the movie and I'm not feeling any buzz yet and it's starting to annoy me that I've been watching this sober for so long.
      On the ground floor, Jack and Candace take some of the “we should REALLY be quiet right now” time while they're searching dead bodies for car keys in a hospital full of murderous psychos to start loudly talking to each other. Jack mentions that he used to be a cop but left the force four months ago and Candace asks about it. Rather than answer Jack says “don't you think it'd be better if we didn't know that much about each other? You know, just in case...” No, Jack, no we do not think that as there is no “just in case” that I can think of you might be alluding to that could be harmed by knowing something about the person you're trying to escape Monster Hospital with (can't call it “Zombie Hospital” since they're not zombies and can't call it Crazy Hospital 'cause those are called “Mental Institutions” now). Confronted by this logic, Jack admits that he was kicked off due to excessive force and goes into great detail telling the story about how he beat a guy to death who was attempting to rape a 17 year old girl. This also somehow, led to Marcy leaving him (kicked off the force? Maybe; wife leaving you because you killed a rapist attacking a teenage girl? Questionable) but the main thing to take away from this scene is that they're in a hospital surrounded by people who want to butcher them and they take the time to stop what they're doing (looking for keys so they can drive out of there and get to Jack's little girl) to talk to each other in non-whispered voices from ten feet away for a few minutes. As you might guess, this attracts the attention of those people that are trying to butcher them so now they have to run again.
      They get into the parking garage and hid behind a couple cars while the group of three crazies stalk them. The leader of the bunch tries to talk Jack into coming out and fighting him face to face while one of the others keeps looking and finds Candace, dragging her back to where his friends are standing. The competition for which of the two sidekick crazies is dumber heats up as even though the one that found Candace failed to look directly across from her to where Jack was crouching beside a car (making no real effort to hide himself other than “don't poke your head up”), the other guy keeps standing beside the leader as the leader makes a speech about “making it a fair fight” while brandishing a knife. So yeah, the second sidekick gets killed. Oh, completely random: looking at the IMDB page of the movie and the lead crazy 'cause I thought he looked familiar (turns out I've never heard of him which I should've guessed considering how there was likely a total of zero dollars in the casting budget for this movie), it turns out he's Ian Roberts who was the first openly gay professional athlete in a team sport (rugby in Australia). So there's a trivia fact for you. After shouting some more, lead crazy walks ten feet with his remaining sidekick (they leave Candace on her own behind them so she can go pick up the fire ax she'd dropped), finds Jack, then starts stabbing the sidekick leaving Jack enough time to walk up and slit the leader's throat while he was busy stabbing his friend. What in all kinds of fuck? They were building this up like it was going to be some sort of major fight scene between Jack and this crazy guy, and it just turns into nothing and is over in less time than it took you to read about it. Did they leave this scene to be shot last and ended up spending all their money before they could do it so just had to cut what so far is looking like the Boss Fight (obviously a fight with Quinton and Joe is still coming up and then probably one where Jack has to kill his daughter) of the movie? Fucking tease.
      Despite a lack of nails (although a close up shows that they've found some... but still no hammers as Joe's still using the gun), Quinton and Joe have sealed up the windows of Jack's house during the night. A night that it totally wasn't in any of the scenes involving the hospital and totally isn't anymore when they should a shot of other crazies outside the house, but that's not important since the shot from outside shows those crazies all gathered around clearly un-boarded up windows. Was there literally no one watching for continuity on this movie? Besides that, Quinton is in the middle of giving a speech how Jack's house is “our home turf. Nobody's taking our home turf. Like fucking D-Day”. I'll let that sink in for a second. … Good enough? Okay, now for the slow students, I'll point out that D-day was the Allied invasion of Nazi occupied France in World War II. An invasion that the Allies won, thereby taking away the “home turf” of the Nazis. I'm betting this was intentional because God help us as a species if it wasn't. I'm secure in “fully intentional” on that line as Quinton goes on to say something about George Washington and other war-like symbolism. Also, there's some more footage from around the world including a soccer stadium, various cities with “foreign-looking” (re: not white) people in them, and also a shot of a dude waving a hockey stick around from outside of the back window of a car. That is now the single greatest “violence in the streets of a world gone mad” shot in the history of zombie/zombie-like movies. It might be Canadian-bias, but just hear me out: the “emergency broadcast network” is going on about martial law being declared in a voice over, you have shots of riots and things burning from places “all over the world” and then... guy swatting a hockey stick around from the backseat of a family car. There isn't even any death or destruction going on in that shot. Just the car driving on the road and a dude with a hockey stick out the back window. I think they just found that on YouTube or something and realized they'd been given a gift to glorious NOT to use as stock disaster footage. I'm going to have to watch that again. It kills me.
     On second viewing: it definitely IS just footage they found on YouTube (or somewhere like it) because there ISN'T any destruction going on in the streets, but there are people walking and one of them is wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey so that's gotta be just random footage somebody took outside the rink before an NHL game (it couldn't have been from after a playoff game, 'cause if it was Montreal would have lost and there really would've been cars overturned and on fire for them to film! Go Leafs). Even given that everything else in this montage is just random stock footage of riots from around the world, that still seems like the weirdest thing to put in there. Anyway, back to the movie.
      Jack and Candace get to Jack's house and there's crazy things going on outside and people attacking each other all over the lawn and driveway. That's going to effect the re-sale value considerably towards the negative side. Gaining access to the backyard after opening an unlocked gate that no one else bothered with, Jack finds the spare key and he and Candace head inside. Joe's dying inside and Quinton's trying to talk him through it by saying “he's been hurt much worse than this!” like back when they were in the Korean War together! ...fighting for North Korea. This makes the Nazi thing from earlier more obviously on purpose (although it raises a question about why he was talking about Washington wanting them to fight for their homes if he's channeling the “bad guys” in American wars), and also leads to the best stand alone line of the movie where Joe says “...I'm Asian?” and Quinton responds “we're ALL a little bit Asian!” Nick Cage would be proud. Jack tries to talk some sense into the both of them by reminding them that they're not Asian and haven't been in any war, but Quinton isn't having any of it and continues on pretending they're in a war zone while telling Jack that Kendra ran off after “smashing poor Private Trevor's head in”. Jack takes Quinton's gun, in response Quinton takes Joe's gun. They point them at each other but decide to point it at the outsides as the crazies outside pick this moment to break in. They end up both out of bullets but get the door closed and blocked off anyway (even with Dawn Of The Dead remake style sound effects from the “I swear to Go they're not zombies” zombies). Quinton kills Joe and... what? The two of them are brothers? The fuck? They look nothing alike and no one's mentioned it before (although I guess that clears up why Jack was hanging out with the other three: Quinton was his partner as a cop, Joe is Quinton's brother, and Pedo Trevor was, likely, Joe's friend rather than a friend of the two cops). Whatever, at this point Kendra walks in through the back door (despite Jack saying he locked it behind himself) and Quinton uses the gun he said was out of bullets to shoot her in the head because fuck logic at this point.
      Guess there was only the one extra bullet left since when Quinton turn the gun on Jack it just clicks empty for him, but he still manages to over power Jack, take the knife, and stab him with it while quoting Deliverance (again: Crazy Quinton Cage has to be the best written least self-aware character in B-movie history since the original context of “squeal like a pig, boy!” involves a whole different type of stabbing). Candace tries to attack Quinton with a fire ax but is somehow unable to do so effectively even when he's busy on top of Jack so she gets over powered and Quinton throws her to the ground and starts punching her in the face and tearing her clothes. This is obviously meant to be a parallel to the story Jack told about the rapist he killed to get kicked off the police force because exactly that happens again and Jack punches Quinton to death.
      Jack wants to stay and “die with his family” but Candace insists on trying to help him limp along (he was stabbed in the gut so the limp seems out of place). He tells her to grab the ax and knife but she has to let him go to do it... causing him to fall over. That was actually pretty damn funny, I'll give it that. They do end up walking out and getting from the backyard out to the car again while the crazies stay occupied with the house for no reason. Then they drive off. And we find it's night again and the streets are full of cars being driven by people because fuck logic. There's a bunch of wrap up dialogue and Jack ends up dying from his wounds. Candace is left crying over a guy she just met earlier that day (despite there being a whole other night in between, this is all supposed to have been one day), and then the credits roll.
      So to recap: no Mayans or any mention thereof. Two daughters in a nightmare suddenly become one daughter in real life and it's never mentioned again. Leap years were added every four years “just because” and February 29th which, in this “just because” logic shouldn't have any special meaning at all, should flat out just not exist which is why people born then are fine. What are supposed to be major plot points based on their build up (the parking garage fight, finding Kendra) are in fact nothing. Actually writing an ending is hard, better to just leave it with the hero dying and the girl crying. Oh, and people who look nothing alike, sound totally different, and are never mentioned as being related before can be revealed to be brothers in the end of the movie because fuck all of your continuity and story telling conventions.
      To close out, I'd like to point out that, from what Netflix has shown me, this is something of a series. There was an 11/11/11 (two, actually; although one looked like it was actually made by a studio with money), a 12/12/12, and now this. If/when 14/14/14 shows up... well... you know where to find this blog.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Zombie Christ (part 2)

      Because I obviously hate myself and have some serious personal issues I really should deal with, we're back with part two of Zombie Christ. Just to add a bit extra to this review, on top of the tequila and vodka, I'm also sick. But hey, it's not like combining booze and cold medicine ever hurt anyone before, right? I'd recap the first part of the review except I'm lazy so fuck that. If you want to know what happened before this so you can follow the “plot” better, go read the first part on your own time.

      So with the typical level of completely no transition, we go from the beach scene to some girl taking her clothes off in front of some random guy lying on a bed. He is not impressed even though the girl is really good looking and he's just some fat dick. I guess they've been dating for a while or something since after she strips they get in a fight about who was supposed to go down on the other first. People really fight about that? That's a pretty big warning sign that the relationship may have run its course, to my mind. Neither of them end up doing anything and the girl wanders out of the bedroom down the hall because now is the perfect time to go check the closet for skeletons. As you may have guessed, Zombie Christ is in the closet. This somehow leads to another fight about whether the girl is funny or not. She lies on the ground, does some even weirder convulsions than Heroin Blonde did, and Zombie Christ sucks out her soul. At this point the guy walks in and says, in the calmest voice ever, that he “can't believe what he just saw”. Some poor effects later, he's now blind. End scene.
      A new girl is now walking around her house (with clothes on this time). That's when Baldy swoops in from just off screen (note: not from outside or anywhere, just off screen so he was obviously somewhere in the room with her) and grabs hold of her. With his hand over her mouth he says he's “just here to protect her”. He then proceeds to tie her up and put tape over her mouth. All seems like things a normal, sane person there to protect her from crazy, evil forces would do. Next up is a long-winded monologue where he mentions, once again, that he's a scholar and some other crazy sounding crap that's meant to give depth to the story. I didn't really listen and it's probably just as well since one of the lines I did hear was, right after saying he was a scholar but well after all the other crazy bullshit, he says that “that part of the story might sound crazy” so I make the executive decision to break out the tequila. And now he's saying this has something to do with the Druids and all these naked girls that are being killed are the descendants of Jesus and BBQ Christ won't rest until he's killed all of them. Please note that missing so far from this movie has been: A) any male descendents which, just by the law of averages, you'd think there would be at least a couple lying around; and B) Druids.
      The girl is at least not an idiot. She figures Baldy is a nutcase and talks to him in a calm, soothing voice, and tries to reason with him to untie her and call for professional help for himself. She's also still wearing clothes (although that might be more because she's tied up than anything else) which is different than any other chick in this movie (except Detective Zebra Print who we haven't seen again) so she's probably a bit of a main character from here on out. Odd as it may seem, the crazy scholar doesn't really respond to reasoning. Time for a cunning plan...
      She agrees to go with him and says she trusts him, causing him to untie her. Baldy's name is Michael (still going to call him Baldy) and for the THIRD TIME he mentions specifically that he's a scholar. This time he adds “renegade” to the title scholar. That made me laugh; just picturing a “renegade scholar” with a leather jacket and sunglasses smoking a cigarette while leaning against a motorcycle and leafing through pages of a history book or something. Anyway, as soon as he's untied her she kick him in the... air between his legs. That's not a joke about his masculinity, that's literally as far up as her leg gets when kicking at him. He falls to the ground like she kicked him in the nuts, though, so close enough.
      As she gets up to run off, BBQ Jesus is also suddenly in the room with them. Does this girl's house just not have a wall or something? All these people just randomly showing up there without going through a door or window or anything that might cause a noise for others to hear. Maybe it's some type of holographic projection of a wall? That's why nobody notices BBQ Jesus walking up to them since they can't see him until after he's walked through the projection. That would explain how Baldy got the drop on her inside her own house. Whatever, it's time for another shot. Whether it's cold medicine or tequila is the real question.
      Definitely tequila since they're now trying to establish that Zombie Christ thinks this girl looks like the Mary Magdalene from the flashback (so... good job making one scene have continuity with another scene, I guess?) even though, and I can't stress this enough, THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE. Baldy recovers enough to knock the Halloween decoration into the chair previously used to tie up the girl, and he and said girl run off out of the room down the hallway. Why they don't just use the hologram wall to escape I don't know. It must only work to let people into the house rather than out of it. Seems like a design flaw if you ask me. I mean, wouldn't you rather have the ability to leave your house through the wall rather than let intruders inside without seeing them? Someone must have installed it backwards. Lazy contractors.
      Uh oh, Sexy Nun Alert. It's a good thing too, this movie went a whole ten minutes or so without some random girl getting naked and that's what I assume is going to happen here. Judging by the fact that Zombie Christ shows up and her habit (that's what a nun's robes are called, look it up) suddenly lifts up to reveal butterfly underwear (seems a bit of an odd choice for a non-stripper nun), I think it's safe to say I'm right. And a close-up shot of the underwear coming down to reveal that she's fully shaved and waxed proves me right. On a side note, this seems odd. I mean, the butterfly underwear, the waxed off pubes, this is on the girl you cast as the nun? Granted I don't have any first hand experience in the intimate grooming habits of nuns, but it really seems like this is out of place. Why not have one of the girls from earlier in the movie who (for whatever terrible issues with their father they have) were just as willing to go full frontal but also had a bit of a bush going? As the scene progresses, you learn why none of the other girls were cast as the nun. She's first fingered by the skeleton (at this point her tits come out for no explicable reason and pretty much in defiance of how her robes are supposed to work) which is probably not nearly as bad as pretending to get shit dug out of your ass by a BBQ sauce covered Halloween decoration, but then we move onto her getting her tits “sucked” by the skeleton and her being fucked by... (place your bets...)
      A raw chicken wing. I couldn't even make that up if I tried. There was simply an open package of uncooked chicken wings lying around and, since Zombie Christ didn't have a penis, he grabbed on of those, somehow attached it to his hip bones, and proceeded to fuck the (is it safe to call her “slutty” at this point? Given how the scene builds up, I think it is) nun with the boney end of the raw chicken wing. There is no way she doesn't have salmonella C (like hepatitis but from raw meat) or bird flu or something now. Just to give you a look into how sad and strange my life is, that's not even close to the weirdest thing I've seen a girl put up herself on the internet. Don't judge me, it was other people looking that shit up, I just happened to be there to see it. ...I know some weird people.
      Zombie Christ eats her soul while she's lying there writhing around in the midst of an orgasm and the scene changes and we all move on and forget that I brought up girls being so desperate for money or so fucked up sexually that they inserted things weirder than raw chicken into their vaginas... and other places.
      Baldy and... I'm just going to call her “Mary” are out in the woods and Baldy is going on some “scholarly” lecture about random Biblical crap and gets irritated at Mary when she starts interjecting with questions and observations. He ends up re-writing the concept of the Last Supper as a political supper between- blah, more tequila because this is just getting silly and the smug look on Mary's face when she's “acting” and trying to justify there being two people in this scene rather than just Baldy ranting to himself like a lunatic is irritating. Oh, just to show off that he's really a scholar, Baldy has read the Dead Sea Scrolls. He said so himself. He's a scholar, by the way. I don't know if you know that or not, but he's totally a scholar. And a renegade one, too.
      Oh my god; they just had an argument about the semantics of language and phrases. I'm going to make a new sweeping declaration about this movie: the whole thing was made just because the writer/director (can't remember if I said it before, but he goes by the name Bill Zebub) has a personal beef against the phrase “quite a few” since “a few” is always a small number but the term “quite a few” has come to mean several. If this is actually the case, I'm going to change my description of this movie from “possibly the worst ever made” to “absolutely fucking genius”. This is like Tolkien writing Lord Of The Rings as an excuse to show off his made up elf language (seriously; he wrote those long-winded books everyone but me seems to think are the greatest thing ever just to show off the language he made up) and spawning all fantasy writing ever. Need to air your beef with one particular phrase in the English language that doesn't make sense when you break it down (of which there are... all of them)? Why not base a movie full of naked hot chicks around it to get your point across?
      Sadly, I really doubt this is the case since they just move on from it. Such a shame. What we do get is some more “everyone else is sheeple; I'm better and smarter because I say things like 'history isn't true' and tell people to question everything without actually having any real facts or anything behind my mindset” rhetoric. Oh, and we find out the chick's name really is Mary so I guess good on me for either subconsciously remembering that or just guessing it since every woman of any significance in a story about Jesus is named Mary.
      One more topless chick lying down on the floor and doing weird, overly sexualized convulsions while Zombie Jesus eats her soul mixed with a flashback of Mary Magdalene walking through the forest. We're only a bit more than halfway through this movie, by the way.
      Some new chick gets woken up off a futon by a greasy looking guy telling her not to be alarmed. For the sake of making this only a two part review rather than even more, I'll sum this scene up as: she gets up, takes off some clothes (no nudity), talks with this guy since he's a Guardian or Warrior or whatever. She ends up killing him since she's an Assassin who already killed whatever girl was there before the guy showed up. Also: she gives a speech about how women are bitches and not to be trusted. Mr. Zebub must have had a bad breakup or something while writing that scene.
      New girl getting her soul eaten. This one is in her underwear and in the kitchen. It honestly looks like it's somebody's grandma's kitchen. I can just picture the production crew (re: Bill Zebub with a camera and enough drugs to convince the girl to come along) sneaking into his grandma's house to film the scene of a girl in her underwear flailing (in a well controlled manner) around on the the kitchen floor and having grandma walk in with the groceries. “Grandma! I'm trying to make a movie here! Gosh!”
      Anyway, a little more of the Assassin talking about how she hates men (definitely a stand in for an ex-girlfriend) and we switch to a montage of Baldy and Mary walking through the forest. And walking through the forest. And making camp in the forest. And walking through the forest. And making camp and changing clothes in the forest. And walking through the forest. My Lord Of The Rings comparison might not have been so far off since all these fuckers ever do is walk just like in those movies.
      Zombie Christ shows up in the offices of a priest. We get a priest/pedophile joke, and Zombie Christ deep throats a rubber dildo (interesting that there's a chick getting violated with a chicken wing but they can't bring themselves to show a dick onscreen) for a while just because they want to be “controversial” or whatever, and then he bites it off... or does something else to kill the priest. It's hard to say given that the acting is so terrible and all we see is some CGI blood against the camera as the priest goes limp.
      Some time has passed... I guess. Stockholm Syndrome has set in and Mary and Baldy about trying to save other girls from her bloodline. Also, she has a water bottle. This isn't important except for the fact that where the fuck did she get a water bottle in the middle of the forest when they're trying to stay away from everyone and everything else? That pisses me off more than the rest of this nonsense for some reason.
      Zombie Christ shows up to say Mary is the last of her bloodline. Baldy... tries to defend her by... I don't even know anymore. There's some CGI fire. Hey! The girl that got the shit dug out of her is back! get more shit dug out of her, I guess. All that happens is she opens a door and says “oh no! Not again!” and then we cut to some naked chicks tied up to crosses in the middle of the forest. And one girl has a shawl on. Not covering herself, just on her arms. I feel there's a Monty Python's Life Of Brian like explanation (the guy being crucified in the blanket in that movie did so because it was too fucking cold for him to be out there in just a loincloth). A bunch of shots of the various girls naked bits follow. One of them even tries to struggle against the ropes for a bit. It's cute and sad that she thinks actually acting with help her career in the future.
      This just keeps going. It's like the first scene of the movie where the naked chicks in the forest just kept going and there's nothing to contextualize it at all. Again: what would you do if you were just out in the wilds of New Jersey hiking and came across like four or five (I wasn't paying attention to how many) naked girls strung up on crosses? If nothing else, you get a free show since they're strung up and can't cover themselves unlike the girls from the start who could just try and duck down and hide if someone came along. The point I'm getting at is, there are a bunch of mind-boggling moments in this movie's production and not just for the reasons of how mind-bogglingly terrible the script is.
      Mary and Baldy are still out in the forest and now their drinking wine out of wine glasses and Stockholm Syndrome and they make out. Again: they're on the run from everyone and everything, and now they have wine and wine glasses. And Mary takes her shirt off so I guess no one should notice the wine glasses thing? Definitely not since she's taking her pants off, but Baldy's got the creepiest look on his face during this scene so it's difficult to take it as anything other than Stockholm Syndrome. Scholar. Just thought I'd say that word since I seem to be bringing up Stockholm Syndrome as much as Baldy keeps bringing up that he's a scholar. My bad.
      Zombie Christ shows up while Mary is still in her underwear so extra props to her for getting her contract to say “no nudity” in it.
      Now Mary “remembers” her life as Mary Magdalene and Baldy is holding a knife to Mary's throat and... so... much.. bullshit. Baldy stabs Mary because Zombie Christ is controlling his mind. Then he runs off as she collapses to the ground and Zombie Christ drags her off through the forest. I am SO nearly done with this movie again but there's only like half an hour left and I know for a fact the last 10-15 minutes of that is previews for other movies and there's credits before that so... Tequila!
      Baldy is wandering through the forest and “finding himself”. He obviously goes back to try and help Mary because fuck everything at this point. Let's all just ride out the rest of this movie without mentioning how he's “tracking” Zombie Jesus and Mary and how she's... I don't even know anymore. She wants to die to save Baldy; Baldy wants to die to save her; No one involved in this movie wants anything to do with life. That last one is just my extrapolation of OH MY GOD FIRE! Baldy got burned up and, much like the rest of this movie, the ending makes no fucking sense. Just a bunch of random shots set to music but this time with video effects.
      I swear to god, I know a lot of the death metal guys around town here, and can provide a video camera so if the girls from the scene are ever as dumb/desperate as these girls, we can make a movie similar in quality to this anytime. I won't even bother trying to write a coherent script since clearly that falls lower on the priority scale than “naked girls”, “death metal music”, “naked girls”, “having a camera to film things”, “naked girls”, “death metal for the soundtrack”, and “have we mentioned needing naked girls?”.
      Mary suddenly gets revived and starts making out with Jesus except he's the old guy version but with a better wig than he had on last time we saw him. She's still in her underwear, in case you were wondering. Oh, and she now has magical powers since she turned old Guy Jesus into Skeleton Jesus into Not There Because He's Banished Forever To Wherever Convenient Plot Devices Come From Jesus.
      And now she conjures up Baldy but not clothes for herself because fuck logic and everything else in this movie. They have sex (implied), she keeps her underwear on, and Baldy is the one wrapped in the blanket for the post-coital scene. A whole bunch of bullshit. Roll credits. Fuck everything.

The credits include:
Third listed: “Cunilingless Girlfriend”
Fourth listed: “Fisted Woman”
“Squeamish Boyfriend”
Various other roles followed by numbers.
Bill Zebub's name four times which accounts for every major production credit.
A link to a site where the crucifixion victims were found (that's pretty soul crushing, though not unexpected, by the way; there's a site where you can order up women to pretend to get crucified).
And then a list of the bands that provided music (and I'm going to go ahead and assume groupies) for the movie.

     Bill Zebub does provide a link to his own website and even an actual physical mailing address for himself if you want to get in touch with him, though. So... I guess props for not trying to hide. Most people wouldn't put their P.O. Box out there. I mean, sure you could try and hide behind some ridiculous made up name and the fact that anyone can register a website, but to give out your physical post office box address? You're hiding nothing. Good for you, sir. I would like to make your acquaintance and become part of the crew that field tests these actresses abilities.

Now onto the previews.

     Actually, no. No more of this, I'm done. The previews can be broken into two camps: biographical videos of metal bands, and exploitation movies that border on porn. The money from one probably funds the other... but which way the money flows is likely up for debate.

A list of the movies previewed:
Bad Acid
Breaking Her Will (this one is literally rape/BDSM porn)
...some un-named death metal documentary
Dirtbags: Evil Never Felt So Good
Into Thy Hands aka: Jesus Christ Serial Rapist (this is also BDSM porn but with anti-Christian... “overtones” is too subtle a word... “Bill Zebub has issues with Christianity and wants to shock his viewers” is too accurate... something in the middle of those.
Metalheads: the God, the Bad, & The EVIL (all capitalization theirs... despite the title, this is one of the semi-porn ones, not a documentary)
Pagan Metal: A Documentary
Night Of The Pumpkin
Ravage the Scream Queen
Metal Retardation (documentary)
...some lesbian BDSM that they don't provide a title for
The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made

      And that's the end. I really hope everyone died a little bit (re: a LOT) inside while reading these two parts of a review. I hate you all. This movie has ALMOST ruined hot naked girls for me since now I'm going to have to realize there are hot girls willing to get naked for no reason and yet I am still single. On the other hand... it puts hope out there since, hey: there are hot girls willing to get naked for no reason. And I'm still single! * thumbs up *