Witchcraft 13: Blood Of The Chosen

A while ago I bought a DVD for $5 called "The Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3" which is an 8 movie pack (as the case reminds you). I... have no excuse why. The only thing I can offer is to say that I once made a short film that was so bad that I took it off YouTube because it was terrible. Anyway, MST3K be dammed, this involves my loves of booze, movies, writing, and finding fault in other peoples hard work. Here's the second review:

As with the first one, I started this movie completely sober. That didn't last long. To give some perspective, one of the first lines in the movie (delivered while a couple are making out and about to have sex), has the man referring to the girl as a “sexual predator”. Worst sexy talk ever. Then she kills him. Not for that, mind you, but it would've made more sense than a rip-off of the second worst Indiana Jones movie (Temple Of Doom for those keeping score) where she rips his heart out of his chest with her bare hands. I start to drink. After the credits there's some bad acting and some people drinking in an office. Good enough reason for me; bottoms up, this is going to get painful. Then there's what can only be described as a veiled homosexual analogy as two guys meet in a bar and talk about their “powers” and “their kind” and “having to suppress parts of themselves”. Then one tells a story about his ex-fiance, making sure to mention that she was his fiance even though his friend almost certainly would have known that, and calls the other guy drunk even though he's done nothing to show it and even had a beer stolen from him before he could drink it. Shock among shocks, the guy that was “drunk” left with the girl that stole his beer and she killed him by ripping his heart out. Next we see the police interviewing the main character and we find out that it's not being gay they were talking about in the bar, it was being warlocks. Then there's more slightly-veiled gay references (including one of the cops bugging his partner about “having a strange feeling” about the main character), and the “warlock” turning down a hot girl throwing herself at him and we're right back into “obvious metaphor” territory. Hey, fun fact: lawyer warlocks know how to break into a house that's been sealed off as a crime scene using a hair pin... I guess. Also, when they use their powers, they do so with video effects that would make the 70s jealous or at least the 60s. Probably only the 50s. And they “hate that shit” (actual dialogue, delivered better in your head than in the movie). On a side note, the girl that's been killing these guys (another added to the count just after that) and been using her sex appeal to get them... not all that good looking. If you're going to make low budget crap at least have the decency to put hot girls in it if that's all you've got going for you. Which would be all this had going for it since even the sound doesn't want to be part of this movie and cuts out part way through the next scene. A shame it wasn't all of it since this is another “seduction of a warlock” scene and it's beyond the awful of the rest of the movie even. Then there's a sex scene that involves the main character staying fully clothed, the girl that just seduced him in the bar only getting topless, and music that would make porn directors weep it's so terrible. Frankly, I think the scene is only there because they needed to fill a couple extra minutes or they wouldn't be able to call themselves a feature film. Also, just an aside, but the girl kinda looks like a young, blond, Annie Lennox. Not sure what to make of that. Anyway, then the guy immediately regrets having sex with her. Not because he's gay, though (that's not what this movie is about at all), because she's some demon out to kill him. He defeats her with his “powers” then runs to see a mystical, dread-locked, black guy who, after hearing that the main character is lost (because he had sex with a woman, I assume), says that “all we can do here is help you to be found”.

Then the three girls get together and gossip about men and how they “feel invincible when [they] swallow [the warlock's/men's] power”. It's a pretty terrible scene with some of the worst writing I've ever seen, but the one chick (not the chubby un-hot one that's the leader or the not-Annie Lennox one but the one from the first scene) is playing around with a fire torch in a bikini and that's kinda cool. Other than that... I think this scene is all about gay bashing except they're using just general man-bashing as a cover. I've had a lot to drink by this point, so it's hard to be sure.

The main warlock gets hit on by a hot (for this movie) chick again, turning her down once more, and then yells at the cops for “betraying his confidence” or some such thing. It's hard to tell because it's at this point that I notice one of the detectives has a tattoo on his neck. Not that that should disqualify him from being a cop or anything, but it's not really something you see from cops in movies unless they've been undercover or involved with gangs or something. Which he then explains two scenes later in some stake-out banter with his partner while more porn music plays and they talk about their ex-”girl”friends and... it doesn't even matter at this point, the music colours the whole pointless scene that's just filler anyway.

The line “don't think, just drink” is said. Best idea this movie's had. Anyway, the warlock and the second girl that came into his office hitting on him end up together fucking with half their clothes on to music that is surprisingly less porn like than the one that was playing just seconds before in the cop car. In the middle of this there's a flash of lightning (which seems out of place since there was no indication a storm was going on) and we see topless not-Annie Lennox standing outside the window watching them licking her fingers.

Oh, just so you remember: the sound cutting out is still happening from time to time throughout a whole lot of these scenes and the acting is still terrible beyond what the rum can numb.

After doing some private detective work (because that's what he is... as well as a lawyer since, you know, lawyers don't make enough money to survive on without taking a second job), the warlock finds out that the murders form the shape of a pentagram and then utters the line to sum up this movie perfectly: “oh this can't be good”. No, terrible Z-list actor, no it cannot. Especially since the next scene is one of the girls going to kill his black friend, saying she wished he hadn't been so weak because she wanted to take him down in the bedroom, and his last words being “if I'd wanted to make love to a glass of water I would have gone to the kitchen. The fuck is that even supposed to mean? Seriously, between “sexual predator” and that... What. The. Fuck?

A chase scene that can best be described as “more boring that watching turtles play golf” ends hours later (I assume since it's not dark for no reason) with everyone wandering around in the forest and being led into the cave of the three witches. Also, the blonde one doesn't actually look like Annie Lennox that much. Not sure why I thought so. The big reveal in this scene being that the second chick he banged is the leader of the witches and is going to conceive his child because of a prophecy. Also, by her own admission, they've got the same last name and are brother and sister. So... you know... there's that. Also, crappy, crappy effects. And acting. And pretty much everything. My god this is terrible. The cops show up and kill the three lesser witches, but are then frozen into statues with the sound effects of ice but the visuals of... nothing. Then brother and sister talk for a bit in the middle of their fight, and... the rest of the scene is too retarded to get into. Safe to say that it ends with the bodies of the witches disappearing and the warlock un-freezing the cops and then wiping their memories because why not, and he collapses in the middle of a pentagram. Supposedly under the weight of his conscience and the evil he had to perform in order to defeat the witches, but more than likely under the realization that he was ever involved in this piece of crap.
I'm also less convinced being a warlock was supposed to be a metaphor for being gay than I was at the start of this movie. Not because any of the obvious homosexual references an innuendos aren't there and true, just more because I don't think the people responsible for this movie are capable of consciously sustaining such a metaphor for the full length of the show.