Evil Bong

Disk Two of the Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 3 starts off with "Evil Bong".  Rather than build up to it for the big finale of this eight movie set, I decided to get straight into it because... well Tommy Chong.  So here we go:
       This seems like I should be stoned rather than drunk to watch this movie. It's a bit late to call up the guys I know that still deal, though, plus, if anyone from my employer is reading (fat chance, no one reads this), I don't smoke pot or do drugs at all. Also, if they're reading, I don't actually get drunk as that might effect my ability to do my job at whatever random points in the future I get called to go to work. ANYWAY...

       80s stereotypical nerd starting things off walking into a Half Baked-style apartment manned by a white guy who's definitely not as talented as Dave Chappelle... and then the sound cuts out so they dub it over... without replacing the music. 80s surfer stoner is also a roomate. This is going nowhere good. Especially since another roomate just showed up acting like an 80s jock but looking exactly like The Surfer. I think they're doing this on purpose. I'm going to try and go with that theory to make this seem less retarded.

       Scratch what I just said: 80s Jock is Fred, 80s Surfer is Shaggy, 80s nerd is Velma, and not-Dave Chappelle is... still a poor-white-man's mid-90s Dave Chappelle. This is definitely a movie that you need to be getting stoned for. Not that the title gave that away or anything.

       Hey, an add in High Times advertises a haunted bong... seems legit. Should I be mocking a movie that's obviously mocking itself? Also, why haven't I watched Half Baked since I was in university? Laughingly awesome soundtrack, though. Hey, the bong's showed up. This should lead to... the whole point of the movie.

       “You two are a cloud of fuck-dust.” Best line ever? I'm using it either way. Everybody except Velma takes some hits from the bong. There's actually a couple decent jokes in this. Terrible acting, obviously, but it's not as bad as you would expect... so far at least. Tommy Chong Watch is still a negative.

       If the “nudity” warning for this movie was just because of Shaggy's porn magazines/poster's I'll be mildly pissed. Half Baked had some tits in it and did it hilariously. Aim for that, Evil Bong, you seem to be trying to aim for Half Baked in everything else.

       Hey, looks like Fred, even though he got kicked off the baseball team for pot, can still pull in a couple cheerleaders for a party with the roomates. Poor-man's Dave Chappelle cannot act. Also, I guess they're not cheerleaders, the one just wears the uniform 'cause she's a slut for the former jock, and the other is a chemistry major... I see that coming into play later. She also seems to have a soft spot for Velma (who remember, in this case, is a guy), so look for that in the future. Haha, now the bong's talking and calling the not-cheerleader a bitch as she, her friend, and Fred walk out to go to a party. If she shows back up I'm going to call not-cheerleader “Daphne”, just to keep with the Scooby-Doo theme.

       Ruh-roh, now Shaggy's getting too stoned on the Evil Bong and it's showing him visions of a strip club. And there's the tits. Not as hilarious as Half baked, but then he starts talking to a clay-mation figure who's smoking a joint so, I guess there's something to be said for that. Shaggy just used the term “goth boobs”. I'm not sure why I find that as funny as I do. The bra had skulls on the cups... and then the skulls ate Shaggy's face... as the clay-mation guy jerked off. And the bong said it was “tasty”. This is pretty damn funny, actually. Tommy Chong Watch is still a negative.

       Not-Dave Chappelle cannot act. Shaggy is dead, but the main point of this scene is Not-Dave Chappelle cannot act. Also, the bong “looks different” now, you know, for some reason. They decide not to report the death since they have pot around and to just drop the body outside his parents place in Mudville (sly reference to Casey At The Bat and Fred being a pitcher; well played). An old guy in a wheelchair, who is not-Dave Chappelle's grandpa shows up... and is not Tommy Chong. But he does call Shaggy “the surfer” so, you know, they actually are doing this on purpose... a bit, at least. Grandpa is awesome. Ripping on all the kids in some of the best dialogue these movies have ever seen. The only bad part of this is the obvious build-up of Grandpa's new wife being hot... and then having her actually be age-appropriate for Grandpa. Saw it coming, but it still makes the sex jokes Grandpa makes after funny. Then he sort of calls the three roomates gay in a backhanded way. Awesome.

       Turns out, after a guy dies, Velma suddenly drinks beer rather than doing nothing to endanger his mind. It's just Coors Light, though, so that doesn't really count. Damn, that was easy to convince Velma not to call the cops over dead Shaggy. They just said the girls were coming over for a party and they could tell the cops that Shaggy “crashed for days when he was stoned” so him being dead more than a day when they eventually called them would be okay. Then throw in the chemistry major “giving him the 'fuck me' eyes” and he's all for it.

       Now the bong is trying to kill Not-Dave Chappelle. Make of that what you will. Also, as an aside, this part takes place as Fred and Velma are moving Shaggy's body downstairs. Just thought that sentence needed writing. Back to the strip club that the Evil Bong creates where Shaggy is still alive and “goth boobs” has her skull bra off and is giving him a lap dance. Then Not-Dave Chappelle talks to Grandpa and has him kicked out., but not before he tells Grandpa he should have married a stripper. I'm not sure why Grandpa would have been in the Evil Bong's strip club, but whatever. And now Not-Dave Chappelle's stripper has sharks on her bra. I see where this is going. Yup, exactly there.

       The girls show up to the party at just the right time. There's only Fred and Velma left alive with Daphne (still in full slut dress) and chemistry major showing up. Velma kinda had a smooth line there. If it had been delivered better, but still.. kinda smooth. Velma and chemistry major win a trivial pursuit game and she kisses him on the cheek. Then they all start to take some hoots. And then Daphne starts to try to fuck Fred right in the middle of the party. What... The... Fuck is going on? The least weird part of this scene? She's literally blowing up a condom like a balloon trying to turn him on. Keeping her skirt and top on the whole time, though. At least some “actresses” have some standards in this movie.

       Anyway, they pass out and all of a sudden chemistry major starts to undress Velma and he tries to resist. Is this some sort of anti-weed propaganda a la 'Reefer Madness'? Probably not, just an excuse to get the two of them together. It's also only at this point, mid-hook-up that Velma notices Not-Dave Chappelle is dead. Hours later. Although chemistry major would probably make me not notice a dead guy if she tried.

       Now the strip club scene with both Fred and Daphne there. This should be something. Daphne wants to leave, gets freaked out, and then gets taken away by the bouncer. Fred stays there and gets a stripper that looks like the girl he talked about in an earlier conversation with the roomates. A girl that he said had “a monster set of teeth” while blowing him. This is going to end poorly. And I'm right.

       The bong has changed again (as it does every time it kills someone), and Daphne hasn't come back so... I guess she's dead too. Now chemistry major looks to be falling into the trap. TOMMY CHONG WATCH IS OVER!!!! HE IS HERE!!! He's explaining things! It's funny! He's... Tommy Chong. Now Velma has to take a hoot and go into the bong after chemistry major... after Tommy Chong gives him some “vitamins” to help him be able to come back. One hoot and he's done. Funny. Oh no! Tommy Chong is taking a hoot too! Wait... Tommy Chong said the words “I didn't come here to get high”. For real. Damn, talk about playing against character.

       Strip club again. Velma is talking to the bong about rescuing chemistry major and the bong counters with three topless girls. Well played, bong, well played.
       Damn! Tommy Chong's hammer doesn't seem to have any effect breaking the bong. Neither does Tommy Chong's chainsaw. And if those aren't names for bands, I don't know what are.

       Back to Velma. He turns away from the three girls and finds some old guy to talk to. I think that may have been the director's cameo. Either way, Velma sees chemistry major dancing in a cage with... a male stripper with a WWI army hat on. Who tells Velma to wait his turn. That scene's kinda funny.

       But now Tommy Chong has dynamite. And the Bong counters with “B.C. bud”. Shout out to Canada! Also, T.C. says he's built up a resistance to it... then gets pretty stoned. Way to go B.C. Bud.

       Back to the strip club and Velma trying to bring chemistry major out of there. As they get to the exit, however, they're confronted by... some other guy (possibly the director again, trying to make a second cameo). And then all of a sudden the guy decides he wants out too, and wants Velma to tell him if Velma finds a way out for them. Oh damn, the bong is all about world domination! Now a new version of the “GO AMERICA! FUCK YA!” speech. And Tommy Chong passing out from the weed (go B.C. Bud!).

       Haha, great dialogue: “let's play a game.” “okay.” “close your eyes and... open your mouth.” “oh, you're a naughty boy...”. Then it turns out these pills Velma is giving chemistry girl are the vitamins that Tommy Chong gave him and he's trying to get her out of the strip club still. That's fine, plus now T.C. is inside and blowing up the bong with his dynamite. From inside!!! Whoa... man...

       Hey, looks like blowing up the bong wakes up the dead people. That means... bad things for the people that owned the bong before them. Tommy Chong is also gone. “Truly, a hero's demise.” Awesome. Especially since he sits on a throne in “bong-land” with all the topless strippers.

       ...there also seems to be an “Evil Bong II”. They include the trailer over the credits. Whether that's for real or not... debatable. Whether I would watch that... not so much. This is a double feature with Half Baked waiting to happen. No one's making it out of this movie with a career, but it's still some good stoner laughs.

I may have to score this collection (in the “worth seeing - not worth seeing” category): 2 and 3 so far. I'm as shocked as anyone.