Instead of waiting till another night like I'd originally planned, I went ahead and tossed on Zombie Dearest right after Witchcraft 13 because I had nothing better to do that night (which says something about my nights but we'll leave that alone for now). Looking back at the review for the first time since writing it, I should maybe have not done that. I can barely make sense of what I was trying to say in some parts and the first paragraph is just a jumble of sentence fragments and I'm pretty sure stream of consciousness writing. On the other hand, I'm not going to subject myself to watching this movie again plus tonight I actually have shit to do and no one reads this anyway. So here goes:
Voice-over. All about a failed writer. Who is ranting about his poor relationship with his wife... and then her best friend... and then... that's just poor penis puppetry [ed. note: I honestly can't remember if the guy was actually flashing his dick around or if this was supposed to be a joke on my part about something, take it whichever way you want]. Also, these “actors” all look like they should be in porn. Probably have been. The “acting” assumes it. I'm already drunk after the last movie... this is still pornorific style acting. And video quality. And now more acting. All... “Canadian-style” minus the talent. And the looks. Well, the guys wear the “Canadian” look (plaid on top of lumberjack OR plaid on top of older lumberjack), but the girls... not hot enough. Evangeline Lilly or Kristen Kruek or even "in-her-prime" Pam Anderson this girl is not. Curly-haired blonde terrible actress in a background of B.C./”Canadian”/Oregon forest? Yes, that's what she is.
Anyway, she rolls into bed with the younger bushwhacker (who is also her ex-husband) based on... some sound she heard? Then she tells him not to try to hook up with her because his saving her from the imaginary phantoms she crawled into bed with him to avoid aren't there so she can sleep on her own. Also, she's a secretary in the local town, but doesn't want to be called a secretary, and doesn't want anyone to think of her as a secretary while her ex-husband works as a... painter? Carpenter? Handyman? Poorly able to do any of those things? Anyway, she still sleeps in bed with him and he still tries to exterminate things (because he's an exterminator as well), and... tries to write (first time seen doing that since the voice over telling us he's a writer). Then he drowns a rat in the toilet... or something. Either way, his wife gets freaked out when she goes to the toilet and then the writer and the plumber say the word “retard” several times... and several times more... and a few times beyond that. It even pisses off the writer. He doesn't like the word “retard” being said. So he kicks out the plumber and starts digging up the septic tank himself. Seems as logical as anything else so far.
At about this point it starts to “hint” (sledge hammer of obviousness) that the ex(maybe current? Starting to doubt the divorce)-wife is pregnant. And he keeps digging. And then smells something he's not wanting to smell. And then wishes he had someone to help him dig/work. Then the Zombie shows up. Yes. Just like that. Worst one-sided phone call ever. Who the fuck is he calling? Then the zombie keeps looking at him and he tells the phone “fuck, I'll call you back” or something like that.
Hey, I guess curly blonde who got a job at a law firm or somewhere happened to bang the balding lawyer back before she married the ex-husband who she sleeps in bed with. Facts for later, I'm sure.
Now that the “proper authorities” have decided this was all a prank, the handy-man is instructing the zombie how to do some digging. He is very pleased.
A song about “Going Home To Canada” plays as the woman tries to seduce her boss and the handyman tries to tell the zombie how to dig a proper hole. Then the music ends and he's still talking. And it's terrible. He thinks he's funny. Not just in the movie where he's acting like a stand up comedian for the zombie, but in general. He thinks he's funny. In this movie. He thinks he can escape it. That's... kinda funny. But in the wrong way that the character/actor is trying to play it.
I may have misinterpreted. I guess, after one scene, it's a movie about the wife being the bread-winner and the husband being a free-spirit comedian/writer/free-thinker/douche-bag. Also, she flat out says he's the home-maker if they have kids and “she'll take care of the finances”.
Some of the bad acting can be excused for a couple reasons:
- The lead guy thinks he's an 80s stand-up comic prodigy. That's terrible on it's own, but if he's playing it right, it makes sense.
- ...There is no 2. That's the only reason the acting might be taken as a joke and... it really shouldn't be. Not even for the guy that thinks he's a comedian.
Fun fact: if you pause the movie right after Debra (the wife that's been trying to seduce her boss this whole movie) finds out that “Quinto is a zombie working for her husband/ex-husband/serious-moustache-loving-trailer-park-aficionado: you can find about 193 pornos built into that scenario. All you have to do is substitute either the zombie or the guy with another girl... leaving the moustache, of course.
And now the zombie is a metaphor for Mexicans. And they went over the top with the metaphor. And it's even worse that they keep going while the white guy with the “hot” wife talks about how hard he has it while sporting some “trying to be ethnic” facial hair.
Suddenly: a party. Why not. The writer making jokes about a self-help book about religion with a priest and... it's actually marginally funny until they go into it in the “car” scene and they hit someone (a zombie). So they get out of the car, see it's only a Mexican (sorry, “zombie”), get back in the car and keep going... It wasn't the original zombie that they knew, after all, just A zombie. Is this a metaphor? Yes. Is it worse than the one from “Witchcraft 13” about being gay? ...No? Yes? I'm going with yes.
I guess there's someone looking after the labourers around... wherever this movie is set. He's a guy looking for... his own labourer? Suddenly this isn't Mexicans and day labourers, this is slavery. Or wait, it's nearly the same thing (as the movie makes the point).
Also, lawyers are terrible dicks and let no one tell you otherwise. That's the next scene. After that, the woman that had last told she wanted to “never see [the handyman] again” is enticed into a sex scene (complete with what can only be described as carnival music) with him because of... some flowers and him in an apron when she gets home? I need to take notes.
Also, lawyers are terrible dicks and let no one tell you otherwise. That's the next scene. After that, the woman that had last told she wanted to “never see [the handyman] again” is enticed into a sex scene (complete with what can only be described as carnival music) with him because of... some flowers and him in an apron when she gets home? I need to take notes.
Don't get too excited, though, it's all so poorly lit you can see nothing but you kinda assume you did because it's “arty” and whatnot. Then they realize the zombie is in the room with them. Also, there's some odd role playing going on before that. She has a miner's helmet on.
OH MY GOD!
“Why are there zombies?”
OH MY GOD!
“Why are there zombies?”
“Because I made a wish while holding a dead man's cock.”
That. Just. Happened!
She leaves, he keeps doing his bad stand up and... he falls down. This is important for him. Because he carries the box he tripped over into the barn and tries to assert his dominance over everything by calling for his Mexi-ZOMBIE friend and then teaching him some things. By beating him until he understands. How very White-Man's Guilt of him. Oh yeah, I guess the Zombie bit him so ... that means... something?
I keep finding acting that is worse than the last time I said “worst acting ever”. And this time it involves terrible acting twice over the two main characters fighting with crossed arms in the foreground and two secondary characters fighting in the background with one being a zombie and trying to eat the other. Yeah, funny. Except not really and just sad.
My god, this movie is still going? Okay, here goes: she inherited something, there's candles all over the place for no reason, he's being a dick, she's trying to act, he fails at acting, she says “why am I not crying?” and we all answer “because you can't act”. After that, they're still by the fireplace and getting it on and talking about killing the zombie. He's outside listening to them plan his demise and now... they act together, then a health and safety advertisement about needing 8 glasses of water a day, then they bury their zombie and go on living their lives. Together. I guess. Oh, except the zombie isn't dead and they decide to shoot him in the head with a shot gun and “need an exterminator”. Then they don't shoot him, but hold him on a spike in a silo. Also,now (months later) is the first time she realizes he's been bleeding out of his neck for a while.
Now things get stupid. Beyond this. There's a stand up show going on with the lead actor as the comic. This is even more painful to watch as a movie than it would be to watch him from the audience of a real comedy club. That... might be the point? If it is, well played, you magnificent bastard. You made a movie that sucked so bad and ended with lines like “he's been bitten by a zombie” and made it so bad your stand-up routine would look awesome if you ever did it live.
Oh wait, the movie is still going. All of that is failure and wrong. This movie just sucks.
Nine possible mercy killings later, the acting-less blonde is still being chased around by zombies. Then she screams out a window. The she keeps her top on which is significant because we now find out the entire movie was a fantasy in the writer's mind going back to one of the first scenes when it was his birthday. The end. Yes, that's it. To be fair, the end credit music tries very hard to be cool enough to make up for the rest of the movie. It almost does it.
This movie... my god it's a good thing I was still drunk from the last one.
This movie... my god it's a good thing I was still drunk from the last one.
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