Now we come to the big boy of this collection. The whole reason I bought this DVD set and started this blog in the first place. Clocking in at only 67 minutes and not rated but with “adult situations, nudity, and violence”, the one, the only... Decadent Evil! Word for word from the back of the case: “a vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin -part human/part reptile- in a bird cage”. This is going to be so terrible I need to re-fill my drink already.
Marvin is some kind of puppet! A poorly worked puppet at that. At least I assume that was Marvin, he's only on screen for about five seconds before we start in on some legend about a vampire named Ash. And these are Interview With The Vampire style vampires, all pompous looking. Anyway, Ash gets offed by someone but it turns out one of his vampire children came across the Atlantic to America looking to start her own clan. Also, Phil Fondacaro, who has previously appeared in both Evil Bong and Meridian and pretty much splits the work for male midgets in Hollywood right down the middle with Danny Woodburn, is in this as well. He's the top billed star. Nothing against the guy 'cause he's far more successful than I'll ever be, but if he's your top billed actor... things aren't looking up for your movie. That wasn't meant to be a short joke but then it kinda became one halfway through. I'm a terrible person. He's the voice of the narrator so far and, I assume, that's the voice of Marvin since the story would only seem to involve that male lead. Although Marvin was definitely a puppet or model of some kind and not an actor in make-up so maybe he was just paid to read the lines and go home. Wise choice if that is the case.
After some rather impressive credits, we go right into the strip club where some greasy douche is trying to convince his date to come into the club with him. She seems reluctant but he tells her it's not as sleazy as it looks (it definitely is) and uses the line “after that dinner I bought you, and the cover charge? You're not going to make me eat that too, are you?” High class. I don't know why he's still on the dating scene at all, ladies need to lock up a winner like him.
The strip club DJ just said “tipping is not a country in China”. That was probably on purpose, but... my god. More booze.
Still as charming as ever, douche-bag of the year ignores his date's pleas to go home and gets her a lap dance from one of the strippers. It's okay, though, it was on the house and she seems to enjoy it so, you know... I guess ignoring when a girl says she wants to stop something and go home is rewarded? This is starting to sound like Meridian again.
The lap dance is over but the stripper invites them both back to a party at a really high class looking mansion. This is a scene out of porn... but also something I think I've seen in horror before too. Anyway, we all know where this is going, of course, but let's see how it gets there. The girl is still a bit creeped out by the bedroom being lit by only a bunch of candles (and also some red lights, I guess, since that's what everything's tinted), but Douchy McDouchenstien keeps trying to convince her to go through with it and she eventually goes along with it. The two girls start messing around a bit with the guy just watching... and then another girl shows up and the stripper invites her to join. The guy is loving it (he still thinks he's in a porn), but then the newest girl slits his throat and drinks his blood. His day went from great to awful rather quickly. The girl gets away (for now), though, and runs through the house in her underwear while the stripper (who is also a vampire, in case you didn't guess) and the second girl are busy with their prey. I'm also pretty sure this was supposed to be a porn script in its first incarnation (start with a strip club full of nudity, proceed to a mansion and bedroom where what starts as a threesome ends in a foursome, vampire stuff happens, girl runs naked rather than in her underwear, etc), but somehow got re-done like this. If not... well it really should have.
Marvin the poorly animated puppet makes another appearance! Underwear Blonde finds him in his cage and he turns out to be all of like a foot tall. Vampire lady then bites and kills her, but the real question here is: Marvin's that size and he's her ex-lover? Damn, that dude's punching above his weight class. Anyway, I guess they only need “three more”. And there's a “sister” (another vampire) to the stripper. Then a cut to another chick and some other random douche fucking.
She gets up to leave afterwards and they talk like they're boyfriend and girlfriend and are making plans for the future. Maybe she's not a vampire and is supposed to be the heroine of the story? Time will tell.
Okay, she is a vampire. But only a new vampire and she's in conflict with her “mom” because she's having “a relationship” with the mortal douche who looks like he should've been singing for Sugar Ray ten years ago. As blonde and cute and innocent as she's supposed to look (never mind that the first time she's on camera she's mid-fuck and how that might take away some of that “innocent” schtick), she just said “but it feels so right” when talking about her relationship. I can no longer like her character.
Mom vampire tells her to stay away from that boy because she's “not punishing her, she's protecting her”. That always works well for any parent/authority figure in any movie or real life situation ever. Then mom Morella tells the story of Marvin and why she's “never again going to be subservient to mortal man”. Turns out he used to be a normal guy but then she found him cheating on her so she killed the other woman and turned him into the half-lizard/half-puppet he is now. Because vampires can do that. Why not?
Apple ad placement, the first stripper is using a laptop with the Apple logo prominently displayed. Looks like Charles Band sold out in order to pay for this one. Although I suppose you need some corporate sponsorship in order to pay for the girls to go fully nude in the strip club (but not the bedroom scene when the real “actors” were involved) like they had. “Apple computers: paying for girls to get naked since 2005.”
Anyway, she's on there chatting with some random guy in that generic chat program that shows up in every movie but isn't MSN or Yahoo or anything like that and looks just like she's typing in a word document. You know the one. So yeah, she's trying to arrange a meeting with “STUDBOY” (his actual screen name) by saying they should meet tonight. He then responds by saying he “doesn't know how much longer he can wait”. Sharp as a sack full of wet hammers this one. He finally clues in the second time she tells him tonight, and the agree to meet at the Full Moon Motel at midnight. She then says (out loud, not online so he would know it, mind you) “[she'll] do the ravaging, if you don't mind” even though there's been no mention of the word “ravaging” until now. Continuity!
Sugar Ray wakes up to a knock at his door and it turns out to be Phil Fondacaro. Guess he's not supposed to be Marvin's voice, he's an investigator. A VAMPIRE INVESTIGATOR! He's been on the trail of these vampires since he was a kid because of what they did to his father. Then there's some back story that adds to the vampire mythos and we get an understanding of why Morella said “only three more”. Sugar Ray is convinced vampires exist and his girlfriend and her co-workers are some within a few minutes. But to be fair, Phil Fondacaro was wearing a fedora and trench coat while he explained it to him. Anyone sounds more convincing in a fedora and trench coat. Especially Phil Fondacaro.
So “STUDBOY” turns out to be... not as he described himself online. I believe this is the first ever recorded incident of someone pretending to be someone they are not over the internet. The authorities must be alerted post haste! Good thing vampire/stripper “doesn't care about looks” and gets right down to business. That business being drinking his blood, obviously. Stupid STUDBOY, don't you know the internet can never be trusted?
Phil Fondacaro is going all CSI on Sugar Ray's place. Using some random explanation that I can't be bothered to listen to, he's got a magic cross that points out where the vampires have been because they leave a trace on all their victims. It points to the bedroom. Just to the bag she left behind, though. Good thing it's not a black light, amirite?
Mom vampire shows up and scolds stripper vampire for taking a victim she didn't get a chance to steal the soul of. Turns out this “daughter” is rebelling as well and doesn't want to be under her mom's thumb anymore. Doesn't work that way, though. Morella gets her way and tells stripper vampire to go find a new victim for her.
In the meantime Sugar Ray and Phil Fondacaro show up to the mansion to confront his girlfriend about being a vampire. She admits it but hustles him out of there because Morella would hurt him. Phil decides it's time to get things done but Sugar Ray wants to go save his girl before all the vampire killing goes down. Phil relents (possibly because it would be hard for him to physically stop Sugar Ray anyway), and shakes a salt shaker full of garlic over Sugar Ray because, even though vampires do hate garlic, this bloodline can't smell it and it'll mask the scent of being mortal for about ten minutes. Because why not, at this point.
Blonde girlfriend vampire just called Sugar Ray “Tex”. His name is Tex. That's probably more of a joke than me calling him Sugar Ray this whole time.
Sugar Ray tries to save Blondie while she's only wearing a towel because he's “willing to take the chance if she is” that Morella would hunt her down if she survived Phil Fondacaro and came looking for her. A patented James Bond “one kiss and she'll do anything you want” later, and Blondie is packing her bags.
Cut to stripper vampire bringing home a female prostitute (we know she's a prostitute because she says “now that you've got me home, do you want to tell me what kind of job this is?” while dressed in lingerie) to be the promised victim for Morella. I'm going to backtrack on my original theory that this whole movie was supposed to be a porn and say that, since the Sugar Ray-Phil Fondacaro-Blondie side of the story has not interacted with the Morella-stripper vampire-Marvin side of the story except for that one scene where Blondie is talking to Morella and then feeds Marvin, these were two different movies mashed up as one. The porn side had stripper vampire and Morella in it while the other side had a D-grade movie about Phil Fondacaro and Sugar Ray chasing vampires and trying to save Sugar Ray's girlfriend. Anyway, back to the actual scene. There's some terrible dialogue and the whore ends up handcuffed to the bed and topless asking for “another forty bucks” while Morella and stripper vampire say they want Blondie to be part of this too. Also, Marvin seems to have made his poorly animated way out of his cage and is making a play for the hooker while the others are out of the room.
Blondie gets caught running away with Sugar Ray by stripper vampire (another ridiculously awesome sentence I never thought I'd get to write before these movies) and says “it's going to be nice watching [Morella] give it to your ass for once”. This was definitely a porno at some point. Uh-oh, the garlic seems to be wearing off as she starts to smell mortal... but ignores it and takes Blondie to see Morella.
Now Marvin is poking his head over the side of the bed and going for the hooker's tits. She doesn't scream or anything, just slightly struggles until Morella comes and picks him up and puts him back into his cage. Now, I'm no expert, but even as a hooker that's been picked up by another girl, brought home to a mansion without being told what she was doing, introduced to another girl, and then handcuffed to a bed... don't you think having a miniature “part lizard” (the puppet doesn't actually look too much like a lizard at all, kinda more like a person that's had their skin burned off... I'm a terrible person) appear on the side of the bed and then start licking your tits would get you to at least scream a little bit? That's pretty damn jaded to the world if it doesn't. After locking Marvin away Morella kills the hooker and gags because she was a smoker and her “skin is going to be parched for certain”. Also, just to point it out, there was no reason for her to take the top off the hooker earlier, but she did anyway. Gratuitous nudity for the... win?
Now Morella is on the hunt for Sugar Ray. Phil Fondacaro still nowhere to be seen. Oh, sorry, I guess his name is “Dex”. Must have misheard it. That's why we haven't seen Phil for a while. He's suddenly inexplicably in the same room as Blondie and her sister vampire even though Morella (who Phil has been chasing and sworn to kill since he was a kid) was just there and he did nothing. Best politically incorrect laugh in this scene: Phil's standing two steps above the girls, vampire stripper's bent over at the waist mocking him, and she's still taller than he is. It's going to be an awesome scene in a few minutes when he kills her. I assume it's going to be quick, this movie has been going for a while and, like I said, 67 minutes.
Now Phil's bragging about killing some other vampire and this scene isn't turning out as awesome as it should have. Pretty lame, actually, and stripper vampire's lame acting skills continue in her lack of ability to die properly. Although I guess for some reason her dying hurts Morella. That actually makes more sense than the choreography of the death scene (which I won't go into 'cause it's too anti-climatic).
And now Morella is reciting nursery rhymes (“fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a... human”). Just terrible. To be fair, Sugar Ray has just been standing around doing nothing this whole time, he kinda deserves to hear that.
Now instead of killing Blondie the vampire while she's looking at the remains of her friend (which is a lot of smoke, as was to be expected, but also... some hair? Why not?), Phil Fondacaro the vampire hunter talks to her for a while before taking the stake and advancing on her menacingly. Again, the size difference makes this a bit too comical for words considering: A) he's too good an actor to deserve this; B) she could take about two steps and be out of his reach for the rest of the movie; and C) ...really? I mean... just... come on! Phil gets distracted by Marvin, though, and Blondie takes about two minutes too long to make her escape. She makes it out anyway, though. Also, turns out Marvin is Phil's dad... I guess.
Morella does a “villains talk too much” speech after she's caught Sugar Ray which includes more than a healthy dose of man-bashing (“you could never be faithful to her”, “you'd just break her heart, that's what men do”, “part reptile, slimy, little snakes”, etc). Then we cut back to Phil Fondacaro talking to Marvin the poorly animated puppet who apparently can't talk. Then Morella throws Sugar Ray into the bedroom where everyone else is and even she makes a short joke when re-introduced to Phil's character after 30 years (which was when she used to babysit him while she was banging his dad... again: the porn scenes just write themselves at this point).
I'm... I'm just captivated by how bad the writing and acting are. For being the climax of the whole movie where good fights evil to the death... there's a damn lot of talking and nothing else going on right now. Although Morella does call out “Dex” for being a stupid-ass name, so props to that.
Phil Fondacaro deserves an Academy Award for this performance. Not because it's a great performance (it's not) or because he's playing a well-written and well-developed character to its full potential (seriously, look at everything about this movie and try to say “well-written and well-developed” in the same sentence), but just because he now manages to talk to Marvin the poorly animated puppet through the bird cage like a son addressing his father with at least a little bit of genuine feeling without cracking up and telling everyone around him to fuck off while all the puppet does is bob back and forth while someone in the sound department makes grunting almost sex-like sounds for it. Seriously, if that's not acting ability to top all of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s movies combined let alone his win, I don't know what is.
Phil then sucks something off of Marvin's claw (a euphemism for a gay scene in this porno that never was?), and lets Morella suck his blood and kill him. His last words being calling her a bitch, of course. Now she only needs one more for her immortality.
Wait. All of a sudden Blondie and Sugar Ray are already running away somewhere even though they were standing there the whole time everything else was going on? The fuck? And then Morella shows up and says it's going to be her and Blondie on the cruise Blondie and Sugar Ray were planning. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention before we saw the impressive escape, Morella is now feeling the effects of whatever it was that Phil Fondacaro sucked off his dad's finger and transferred to her through his blood. Suddenly this porn became a public service announcement about using protection.
And... that's it. Morella turns into a “female” version of Marvin. Then there's a scene of the two poorly animated puppets fucking, and the credits roll. Seriously? There are about a hundred different ways to end the movie just based on that scene never mind if there was better writing leading up to it, and that's all that happens? I am not impressed.
Although, to be fair, the movie lived up to being as bad as I thought it would be, so there's that.
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