Where I Review Four Asian Movies (Two Or More Of Which Are Better Than This Blog)

So I go and say this is going to be just a “monthly” blog and miss three months. Fantastic. Way to go, Will, you really know how to play to a (lack of) audience. Anyway, like the title says, I watch them with so I don't have time to type out all this shit. Either way, here's a quick review of FOUR movies (that covers the months missed and this one):

THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR (1 & 2):

     This counts as reviewing two movies because I said so. Also, they actually are two movies... even though the second one is kinda really dependent on the first. Whatever. Not a lot bad to say about these. They're pretty much non-stop “bullshit! That can't happen!” movies, but they were made in the early 90s. That was a time when we believed Due South was awesome (P.S.: it still kinda is).

     The best way to sum these movies up is: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” – the special effects budget + some actual action = a pretty decent (pair of) movie(s) that people should look into. Seriously, for all the Ang Lee dick sucking that was done over “Flying Tiger, Hidden Piece-Of-Crap-Movie”, these two are so much better. First off, they don't pretend to be set in the real world so they don't even bother trying to reconcile people flying with physics because fuck physics. Secondly, given the leap in technology between 93 (BWWH1) and 2000 (CTHD), I've gotta give the edge to Bride With White Hair for effects because it does it's best “try to be The Matrix” before that was even a thing. AND IT WAS WITH EARLY 90S TECHNOLOGY! So yeah, good-ish movies that people should look into.

STRIPTEASE SAMURAI SQUAD

     I can think of two things wrong with this three word title. First off: There's not really any “striptease” per se. There are a couple chicks that have a “fighting style” which dominates all others and it involves them just opening their kimonos enough to show their boobs and then fighting. Seriously, that's it. “You want to fight? Let me show you my boobs first, it's my fighting style, after all.” And that's it for “striptease” in this movie.

     Remember I said there were two chicks that did this? Guess what? Despite the word “squad” being in the title, those two are neither part of/all of a squad, nor do they even fight on the same side. They are in fact the protagonist and the antagonist and never join forces for anything or form any type of squad. The rest of the cast is made up of wannabe Seven Samurai extras and the plot plays out exactly like that... except apparently showing their boobs and being “trained” in that “fighting style” allows the two girls to shoot lasers out of their tits. That is neither a misprint nor a metaphor. They shoot lasers out of their nipples. Low budget, terrible, lasers.

     Despite all that, this movie is pretty much what you'd expect given the title... UNTIL YOU START TO THINK ABOUT IT! Let me explain:

     One of the first scenes is the heroine talking with her grandmother about how she (the heroine)

is 21 now like her mother was when she gave birth to her and like how the grandmother was when she gave birth to her (the heroine's) mother. Also, this “striptease kung-fu” (not sure if they say kung-fu or something else, but either way it's ridiculous in context) is passed down mother to daughter and she now wants it. The grandma gives her some tea and she then “goes to sleep” and wakes up in 1400ish (sorry for missing the date, I don't know enough Japanese history nor does this movie specify) Japan where she does the whole Seven Samurai thing except it's only her and her tits are out and the leader of the villains has HER tits out too.

     The heroine (her name is Lili... I didn't remember this from when I watched it, I did some... “research” online while I was writing this... shut up) ends up hooking up with one of the villagers who's sister just gave birth to a baby girl (this is important later). After that she does her 'boss fight' and kills the other laser-shooting-boob-showing lady and goes back to present day. All is well until she talks some more with her grandma about the “founder of the style”. Turns out it was the guy she hooked up with that started the “show your boobs” style of fighting... by teaching it to his niece.

    Wait, 'cause it gets creepier. That whole “tea drinking” thing is apparently a ritual that all mom's/daughters (Lil's mom died so that's why it's her grandma doing the ritual... like that plot point is important) throughout the ages. Let all of that sink in.

     To start with: A guy started a fighting style based on a girl showing her boobs by teaching it to his niece. Who was just a newborn when he “saw” the style and decided it was worth teaching. All of that incest aside (and that's a HUGE aside): the style is passed on from mother to daughter down the line. And it's a ritualistic tea ceremony that sent Lili back to begin with. EVERY WOMAN SINCE THEN HAS DRUNK THE TEA AND GONE BACK TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR FATHER/UNCLE! You think I'm extrapolating? Lili makes a point (the last line of the movie) of should be so complete that Lili doesn't even have human form, she's just this half formed, slow-witted, dullard... which would explain why she'd fuck her father/grandfather/great-grandfather/great-great-grandfather/great-great-great-grandfather/etc.

YAKUZA WEAPON

     Oh. My. GOD. If there was an emoticon for a smiley face getting his dick sucked, pulling out, jerking off a bit for the money shot, then shooting himself in the head as he simultaneously cums, THAT would be the one that MIGHT sum up this movie.

     This is either one of the greatest movies ever or it rivals Zombie Christ [review coming] for WORST movie ever. I... I'm not sure which.

     Does anyone remember “Tank Girl” from the mid-90s? Before comic book movies made billions? It was after Clerks and Mallrats where talking about comics was “cool”...ish so somebody decided to try and make a movie about an underground comic character starring one of the girls from League Of Their Own. And Ice Cube because fuck it, everyone was still on the blow they got in the 80s or the smack they got in the early 90s and no one thought to stop and say: “hey, this comic book doesn't have a too big a following, AND the following it has likes the fact that they're non-mainstream... is this REALLY the comic we want to make into a big-budget movie?”.

     That was Tank Girl... the only other thing I can bridge this with is a movie called “Mercury Man”. That one is pretty awesome. It's like a big-budget (for Thailand... which is where it was made) movie that was basically just a rip-off of any Marvel superhero movie (particularly Spider-Man since it came out at that time) you can think of.

     Combine those two.

     The combined insanity of Asian cinema plus the underground comic element of Tank Girl plus... well, there's no “nice” way to put this... plus “WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN?!!!!”, plus an extra dose of insanity. You know, just for seasoning.

     Years from now, people will start a religion around this movie. And then they will blow up the Earth. There is no other alternative after watching this movie.

This movie is everything the Expendables series (and you know it's going to be a series) wishes it were. And it only took ONE guy. Plus an inflatable sex doll he substituted for himself in one scene (fuck is this movie hilarious sometimes).

     Seriously, let's all kick our mortal enemy off a cliff and kill him while he activates a nuclear weapon in our dead father's chest while we scream at him that we don't fear anything. That is honestly the end of the movie and I don't know how to joke about that except to say: FUCK YEAH!

2:13

I guess I've decided to make this a once a month blog... so be it!  For July we bring you another of the Midnight Horror Collection Volume 8.  On with the show.
      This time around the movie is called “2:13” and is about a profiler with a traumatic past and a drinking problem chasing down a serial killer. Since it's not polite to let anyone drink alone, I'm here for you, as yet unnamed profiler, bottom's up.

      We get right into things with a naked woman chained to a bed. Doesn't look like she's as into the extreme bondage as the guy is since she's crying and begging to be let go. By the way, the tied to the bed isn't the “extreme” part of the bondage, nor is the ball gag. No, that would be the spike shoved right through her left breast. If he was trying to work on his piercing skills he missed the nipple by more than a little bit. She ends up bolted/strapped/whatever to the ceiling after she's been killed and the cops are there to investigate. Also, they find a severed arm outside and there's some tension between the main guy (Russel) and a woman who is either another investigator or the medical examiner.

      Now he starts drinking (straight Jack Daniel's) alone at home at the end of the day while listening to soft rock. And looking through old newspaper clippings of this serial killer case mixed in with stuff about him being the target of an internal investigation and an engagement announcement between him and the blonde from earlier. Granted all this is kinda needed for the plot, but if this is supposed to be real that's a pretty poor filing system he's got there.

      He cries himself to sleep and we get to the next day and the police briefing. Turns out the blonde is the boss and she is not impressed by Russel being distracted during her meeting. She chews him out a little but apparently he's a pretty decent profiler so she just tells him to straighten up and fly right. This kinda pisses him off a bit and he snaps at his partner a bit before somebody comes in asking to speak to him. Turns out to be a former victim's husband who just received a message from the wife he thought was dead a year ago.

      Aside from the fact that all he has is an e-mail which, and I'm no expert but hear me out, can pretty much be sent by anyone as long as they have access to his wife's e-mail account (which you kinda assume the sadistic killer that took her probably would gain at some point), Russel says he'll look into it and goes off to the meeting with the chief his ex and partner told him about. The chief is all about the budget and doesn't want to spend money on a task force for this even though they look like they've got a serial killer in their hands. He's swayed by the evidence of the e-mail and the fact that the severed arm is that of the first victim. Or it could be that the killer just severs arms and leaves them meaning the one they found was from the new victim and the evidence picture was from the year before. I think that's it.

      Russel goes and looks at the evidence from the old case and has a flashback to the freak-out that caused him to be suspended before. Some more drinking at home and he notices a small difference on the tape that... I guess the killer sent to them? Whatever, the tape was edited so he gathers up the team and they go to the motel room in the tape and start looking around. Good thing too 'cause they find a message, written in blood of course, underneath the carpet. It looks to be the same message that the killer was doing a voice-over of at the start.

      Oh dude, it's Kevin Pollack! He's playing Russel's therapist. Looking at the cover again, turns out this movie's got probably the most recognizable cast of the bunch. Aside from Pollack, there's Dwight Yoakam, and the blonde (who's name in the movie is Amanda) is Ben Stiller's wife in Meet The Parents and the blatant cash grab sequels. Maybe not A list but not too bad all things considered. Russel manages to out-sarcastic Kevin Pollack and that's not easy to do. It's actually a fairly entertaining scene until they decide to stop being sarcastic and get serious.
      Therapy over, we're treated to some “TV-style” police work. By that I mean he goes to the library to look up some stuff and then stands around looking at a bunch of pages his printed up and laid on the floor. Then looking at them from a different angle. Then waving his hands over them. That's not really how you go about getting information out of pieces of paper. A little bit of actual police work later, he confirms that the masks left on both victims were made by the same guy... probably. Also, the standard “enhance that image” making what appears on a tape suddenly clear.

      Then there's a naked guy being tortured by another naked guy. And there's a sheep there.

      Before too much more happens, there's also been some flashbacks going on mixed in with these last couple scenes that shows a ten or twelve year old boy making a paper mask, burying something bloody in the woods, and being hung from a wall while his deranged mother buried something else in a basement.

More of the Sarcasm Hour with Kevin Pollack. Although this time there's even less sarcasm and more serious therapy. They talk about a dream about buying a gun. There are hints that something happened to Russel when he was ten but they don't say what because, you know, dramatic tension and all.

      The naked guy is found murdered and with his arm cut off like the others. Although this time there's the twist that the guy was made to swallow his own semen before he was killed. So that's different.

      Back in therapy and we get Russel recounting part of the investigation from the year before. Turns out Amanda got abducted by a guy in a mask and when he found them the guy either ran off because he was startled, or hit Russel, took his gun, and it was Amanda that saved him by hitting the masked guy. He tells it both ways (it's implied it's the second one that's true) but that's all that's explained before we cut to him at home drinking and finding the quotes from Shakespeare the killer is leaving at the crime scenes. It's all from As You Like It and the murder scenes themselves are more references to the play.

      After finding out that somebody has dug up and stolen the dead body of his mother (I assume), Russel understandably freaks out a little bit at the office and then it cuts back to him sitting alone at home on a couch drinking. I'd criticize but that'd just be the pot calling the kettle African American. Also, he has a hot blonde come over and bring him Chinese food. I don't see that happening for me tonight so looks like Russel wins this round in the “functional” alcoholics battle. They end up in an argument and that ends with Amanda saying she still loves him as she storms out and he pours himself another drink. Sounds about right, actually.

      Kevin Pollack does some... questionable hypnosis stuff, but it seems to work and Russel starts talking about how his drunk dad got in an accident that ended up scaring Russel's mom when Russel was ten. The mom starts wearing a mask and acting differently, then she hangs herself and kid Russel finds her 'cause his dad's become a drunk.

      Now the killer calls and leaves a message to taunt both Russel and the first victim's husband. Also, Russel is drinking at work now. It's okay, though, 'cause it's after hours and when Amanda shows up she takes a swig out of the flask too. Then they start to get close 'cause having a serial killer call and say he's got your dead mother with him is a really great way to set the mood for some sex in the office. Russel does resist for a bit, but Amanda's not taking no for an answer and they end up in bed. Also, much as this movie is getting pretty formulaic and the writing isn't too great (although it's pulling ahead of Legend Of Sorrow Creek for best on this set), I do enjoy Russel's constant sarcastic wit and find the character quite relateable... although that's probably not a good sign now that I think about it.
      After a late night brain storming session (that's not a euphemism for sex), we're back in the police briefing room with the update that now they think there's more than one killer. They give a profile like they're reading for a part in the low-budget knock-off of Criminal Minds and we get another flashback of the young boy being suspended from the ceiling with his ankles and wrists chained behind his back.

      Kevin Pollack then plays the psychiatrist and wraps up everything that was going on in Russel's head (the dream about going to buy a gun, which meant suicide, why he was frozen when confronting the man in the mask, how he set himself up to let down the women in his life, etc etc) into a neat little package. I'm starting to think they filmed all of these scenes on one day in one take and led Kevin Pollack to believe it was going to just be one scene and then split it up like this afterwards. Not sure why since that makes very little sense but the idea's gotten into my head and refuses to leave.

      Another victim. This time at a speciality porn club where we meet Dwight Yoakam. And by “speciality” I mean that I guess the people that come there either cut themselves or pay someone to cut them among other things 'cause Dwight goes on a bit of a tale about how the guy coming in twice a week wearing a mask and cutting himself doesn't freak him out even when it's “long, deep, shit” where they “need someone there immediately or he'd hemorrhage out”. I guess not so much a victim as just a severed hand. And it turns out this guy that's the regular always shows up to cut himself at 2:13. The shock, I know.

      Another in the long line of moments of inspiration for Russel and he figures, thanks to a clue the killer left in the message, that the killer made the mask for his mom way back in the day (not so much a clue as the killer flat out saying “you've seen my work before”). That's when they find the next victim strung up from a tree with more lines from As You Like It posted on a tree.

      They end up getting a name and we get an explanation about what's going on in the flashbacks. Turns out the killer's dad used to beat up and cut the mom who took a knife while the kid was making the paper mask and sliced up the dad and buried him in the basement. After the mom was found and taken to the police station they found the kid chained up in the basement.

      Tying all the things together, they get to the old house the killer's family used to own that never got resold and find Russel's gun that he lost the year before in the fight in the woods. This really is starting to seem like it was an episode of Criminal Minds that wasn't good enough so they stretched it out, changed the names, and made it it's own movie. They also find both the mutilated but still alive first victim chained to the roof like the killer used to be, and Russel's dead mom (still dead) with her mask on wearing Amanda's lost earrings. This does not bode well for Amanda who isn't with them because she felt sick and needed to go home early.

      A non-revealing shower scene later, we find out that the killer is indeed in Amanda's place and has flipped one of the breakers cutting the power. After fixing that, Amanda goes and turns on a CD player. I only mention this 'cause she listens to harder (even if it still isn't very good) music than Russel does when he's alone. Between that and being the one that saved Russel's life in the woods, I'm going to go ahead and say that Amanda is the real bad-ass in their relationship.

      Russel's partner gets up to Amanda's apartment first because Russel was busy reloading his newly found gun (something he didn't bother doing on the way over) and promptly gets knocked out. It kinda shows how useless the character is in that he's been in a bout 2/3 of the scenes of the movie so far and I haven't bothered to mention him more than twice yet. His name is Jeffrey, by the way, but he doesn't look to play much more of a role in this.

      Amanda then gets caught and tied to the bed by the killer so now it's up to Russel to save the day. Good thing he's got enough time to do so because the killer feels the need to recite Shakespeare before doing anything. Also, you can really tell who's “made it” in Hollywood and who hasn't since Amanda, unlike any of the other victims, still has a shirt and underwear on when the killer has her tied up. Russel does show up to save the day and avenge his failure in the woods.

      All is well and the killer is in jail. But so is the first victim's husband and Russel comes to talk to him. The wife has apparently said it was him that cut her up. Russel then starts interrogating him by asking what the guy's mom looked like, what colour her eyes were, even stuff like what grammar school he went to and what his fourth grade teacher's name was. I know the rapid fire questions are designed to trip someone up because, if they're lying, the inconsistencies will reveal themselves, but as quick as he's asking these questions, I'd have trouble remembering my fourth grade teacher's name even if I wasn't trying to lie about it and I doubt I'd be able to do more than guess at my mom's eye colour. Seriously, are you really that close to your mom that often (bare in mind these are two guys in their 30s talking about moms that have been dead for years) that you not only notice but are obsessive enough to take note of her eye colour? Anyway, all that is just leading up to the big reveal that his wife had gotten pregnant with someone else's kid and he “became someone else”. The guy ends up “breaking” and flipping over to his other personality (or at least dropping the charade) and starts to reveal his cunning plan as all villains must in the last ten minutes of a movie.

      Also worth noting: even though Russel looks to be the older of the two of them by a good five to ten years, it's actually the other guy that's at least ten years older than Russel. And all the other victims (the wife aside... though probably her too) were actually at least that much older than Russel as well. Man, that drinking must have really done a number on Russ for him to look that shabby.

      After some more villain dialogue, Russel does Kevin Pollack's hypnosis trick on the killer and gets him to start remembering the stuff from when his mom killed his dad. Also, it kinda looks like the kid that played the young Michael Meyers in the Halloween remake might have had a thinner brother who played the young killer in this one. That might be creepier than this whole movie if it turned out there's a family out there whose two sons are acting based solely on their ability to look and act like serial killers at a young age.

      Uh-oh. It's 2:13 and the bad guy is acting like he's got another card to play. Time for a horror movie twist ending? Time for a horror movie twist ending. And Shakespeare. There's always time for more Shakespeare. Amanda drops dead from poison on the other side of the one way glass. The bad guy quotes more Shakespeare and then stabs a chunk of glass (it was part of the hypnosis) through his head. Much as you can understand why, you kinda have to think there's some sort of ethics charges coming against Russel for not doing anything to try and stop the guy from killing himself right in front of him while in police custody.

      That's pretty much it. I stand by my idea that this was a rejected script from Criminal Minds that they couldn't find a team member to give Russel's dead mom back story to. Also, what the fuck happened to the “multiple killers” thing? They came up with that idea 'cause it supposedly would have taken one guy several nights to dig up Russel's mom but then... nothing. I don't know, seems kinda flimsy all around. I'd accept this if it was a Criminal Minds episode just 'cause I know there's limits to what they can do in less than an hour of showtime so there have to be some leaps in logic made, but in a movie I expect a bit more effort. Frankly, I think Legend Of Sorrow Creek was the better of the two. That had technical problems and too much crying but also had a half decent movie in there somewhere. This had the “crime scene-police station-therapy session-Russel's home” scene list on repeater and could only hope to be the cast-off plot of an episode of a good TV show. I also wonder about the supposed critic quoted on the cover of this movie (the menu shows the covers from all four movies on the disk) saying “not since Seven and Silence Of The Lambs have I been this terrified”. There was not a single terrifying thing about this movie and neither of those movies were meant to be terrifying so much as psychologically thrilling. Some people... * shakes head *

The Legend Of Sorrow Creek

Here we are again, folks. Back one more time to Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 8. Up on the block this time is “The Legend Of Sorrow Creek” which stars... no one I've ever heard of and is only 74 minutes long making it the shortest movie on the disk. Yes, even “Last Vampire On Earth” was longer than this. Anyway, time to grab some rum and regret many of the choices in my life that have led me here.

[Editors note: I wrote this one when I'd had about 3 hours sleep in the 40 hours previous and hadn't eaten in about 15. This devolves into “Zombie Dearest” review levels of rambling by the end. You've been warned.]

      One thing I've noticed in all of these and in my own movie making experience, it's obviously pretty simple to do opening/closing credits really well. It's everything in between that tends to fall apart. Some screaming and whimpering and flashes of an old black and white picture then a girl running and reciting a prayer in an attempt to ward off the “unclean spirits” that are chasing her through the house I guess. Or are just in her mind, either or, but it looks like they might be for real since they're rattling door knobs. The spirits seem to have caught up to her since she's now ignoring the cries from her husband on the other side of the door that the house is on fire (silly crazy lady dropped a candle) and is stepping up on a stool to hang herself. After dropping a blood soaked knife so I'm guessing there used to be more than just her in the house. The husband has some fucking terrible lines and he is not good at delivering them. Thankfully that's all over, the title shows up and we're transported to modern times with some park ranger looking guy standing in a forest.

      Before we go any further, I have to point out that this is fucking terrible quality video on this one. It's almost too pixilated to see what's going on. I don't know what happened 'cause it was fine for that first scene but now... I assume it's leaves on the trees instead of large squares of different shades of green. The guy coming up to talk to the park ranger... probably has a face instead of pinkish looking blocks. This may end up being a deal breaker on if I can watch the rest of this if it doesn't clear up, it's seriously that bad. There are honestly $100 video cameras out there that take clearer videos (I know 'cause I used to have one). There's no excuse for this poor quality.

      So the guy that's coming up through the woods to talk to Mr. Forest Ranger (his name is Jonas... it's awesome that I got to make those two totally different song references for just this one guy, I hope he survives just 'cause of that) is some sort of professor or grad student or some researcher at a university (name of Daniel). He flat out says it's “rare [his] research comes in handy” so this guy is well on his way to a job at a bookstore when his studies are finished. Oh good, he's a sociology student writing his doctorate on the effect of local superstitions on abandoned communities. I think we may have found someone to take away the “I hate money or ever having nice things” award from the professor of ancient medieval cults in “Return To House On Haunted Hill” (yes I know that guy must have made some money since he had the “best treasure hunting equipment available”, but whatever).

      Now, in overly-pixilated form, we find out that, even after his condescending laugh when Jonas calls what he's studying “ghost towns”, Daniel doesn't really know dick all about this place and needs Jonas to explain it to him. I can't tell through the crappy video, but I bet Daniel has “smug asshole” as his default facial expression.

      And... now I have to backtrack on all of that 'cause, even though Daniel said he thought Jonas would know more since he was from the area, all Jonas gave was “everyone around here was told a story about the place to get them to stay out of the woods as kids” and Daniel goes on a historical rant ending with the place being fully abandoned in 1899. After that, in the 20s, a salvage crew from a neighbouring town went in but three were never found and the other was found dead, blah blah blah, standard spooky story stuff. I still can't get over how bad this video is (though it sometimes gets better which just pisses me off all the more that the rest of it is fucked up). Oh, one thing about this, I guess the legend has it that Sorrow Creek was “founded on the very spot where the devil fell through the earth on his way to hell”. That's actually a pretty good card to play in your low-budget horror movie. I can't think of anyone that's played that one before (and yes I'm being serious, I'm probably missing something obvious, but I can't think of any right now).

      Hmmm... guess the legend goes that crazy lady's husband cut her eyes out, hung her as a witch, then burned their home down before running off into the woods “never to be seen again”. A bit different from what we saw happen, but I guess history is written by the winners and/or the unclean spirits.

      Cut to a pair of idiots (the first shot of them has one with a fish hook through his hand and the other apologizing for it) and their attractive(ish) lady friends out in the forest by a creek (if you can imagine that). The guy with the hook through his hand is too much of a pussy to pull it out himself so one of the girls has to do it for him. They do something smart by saying he should disinfect it, but then follow it up by doing something really stupid by trying to head back to the cottage in an entirely different direction than the way they came because, as the blonde (haven't heard her name yet) said: “it took us over an hour to get her that way, I think it'll be quicker if we follow the river back”. Asked if she'd ever gone that way before, she replies “no, but...” and then the rest isn't important because it's a no and that's how you get lost in the woods. The brunette (Jessie) agrees with her so, since the two guys are idiots and also in relationships with these two (looks like the blonde is with the hook-er and Jessie is with the hook-ee), they go along with it. This is followed by many shots of random parts of the forest interspaced with shots of them walking. They are lost.

      Hook-ee is named Toby and apparently as well as having a brain problem (standing in a place where he can get stuck by a fishing lure) and a “being a man” problem (needing one of the girls to take said lure out of his hand), he also has a heart problem wherein if his heart rate gets too high he has to take medication to regulate it. This is likely important for later on. Also, I guess he's not dating/hasn't been dating Jessie for too long since she doesn't know this and it's for her benefit they're going through all of this. Hook-er's name is Dean, by the way.

      After stumbling on some ruins (hint: Sorrow Creek), we finally find out blonde is named Kayla. Jessie splits off from them to try and figure out something that was carved in one of the trees in the middle of the ruined village, and everybody else keeps going on their trail they've never been on to a cabin that's in the opposite direction. I'm honestly not sure who is being more stupid in this case. They do end up back at the cabin, though, so I guess that makes it Jessie since she went off on her own in a horror movie.

      Ugh, romantic sub-plot crap. Dean (I really want to keep calling him “hook-er”) does some round-a-bout shit with Kayla talking about their future kids “one day” and it goes back and forth with them almost getting engaged but not actually 'cause neither wants to say it first and blargh. And I guess Kayla is a wannabe writer. And... god is this crap boring. Start killing people already! Minor plot point: Kayla and Jessie are sisters. Start killing people! Side note: the crappy romantic music those two were listening to outside on a swing set (yes, that cliched) was actually coming from a stereo that Toby was listening to up on the porch by himself. Man-card: revoked.

      Hey, look at that. If I say it two times shit does start getting real in this movie. Jessie calls a phone that hasn't worked in years and is heard crying on the other end talking about someone/something being “all around her”, then she screams and the line goes dead. Toby tries to use the phone to call the police (it having been established before there's no cell service where they are... which also makes it odd Jessie used hers), but the line is dead. There are no animal noises or anything out in the woods. Holy crap, there's still almost an hour left and I've already written this much. Buckle up kids, this one could go into overtime.

      Kayla is freaking out a bit, but as Dean is trying to comfort her, he sees a figure walk by outside the window. Instead of thinking that it might be Jessie, they all make a break for the car because... everyone involved spooks easily? Turns out the keys are in Toby's room, though so no quick escape and someone has to go back. Shame about that, actually, 'cause it turns out not to be Jessie but a guy in overalls and a flannel shirt with what... appears to be... a bucket over his head (the pixels, they are enormous!). Aside from it obviously being some brand new clothes, it's supposed to be crazy lady's husband from the start 'cause you caught a flash of him wearing this same get-up. Again, even though he disappeared in 1899 and this is over a hundred years later, he's still wearing stuff that people would nowadays.

      I just noticed something. Why are the goddamn headlights working if they don't have the keys in the car? My cars headlights stay on for a bit after I take the keys out, but this time they didn't even put the keys in there so that's no excuse. And it's not like I'm mistaking the lighting as something else, they are actively trying to make it look like it's the headlights lighting up... garbage-bag head? Seriously, poor quality film making on two accounts in this scene.

      Oh for fuck's sake. It's just his hair and he was facing the other way. Fuck this video quality.

      Dean actually comes up with a half decent plan (as long as you overlook the fact that they're freaking out over some guy wandering around on their property and skip over “hey, let's see what's up with him” straight to “flip the fuck out and lose our shit”) and they try to put it into action. It doesn't go so good because suddenly something happens to Dean and he wanders away from the cabin (where the car keys are) down the road. Toby, sitting in the car as back-up in case something happens, decides “not yet” because he's scared. That's not the reason he gives, but given what we've seen, that's what I'm guessing it is. It's okay, though, since it turns out to be Jessie wandering out of the woods that spooked Dean into abandoning their plan. She, unfortunately, is cut up on her back like 73 times (something Daniel said the one body from the 20s salvage team was found to be).

      Toby's found some old parchment in his room after getting the keys. Wisely, he decides not to fuck with it, puts it back and leaves. Husband is outside the window looking in for this, of course.

      Armed with the keys and a need to get Jessie to the hospital, they instead decide to have Kayla talk to her for a while. Jessie starts screaming to “make them stop”. At which point everyone else runs out of the room and decide that the best course of action is to lock the door rather than get the seriously injured and psychologically traumatized girl to a hospital.

      At this point I'd like to tell a story. Recently, while I was working, I happened to see a young deer, barely a hint of antlers on him, out in a field. As you know, deer are known to be skittish creatures, often running away from the slightest sound in case that sound may be a hunter or other predator. Evolution has made this an ingrained habit in the deer mind; it's better to run when you don't need to than stay and find yourself over-run by coyotes or shot by a hunter. This young deer I recently saw, was having none of that. He was not just standing in the field, frightened and alone (though he was alone from his own kind), he was not just willing to let the hunters and predators of the world chase him and force him to cower. He was going to take a stand. And, as Travis Sickle, Michael Douglas in “Falling Down”, and all others before him, this deer was going to fuck some shit up. There was a coyote in that field, but he wasn't the hunter in this case. Oh no, this coyote was on the run. This coyote, this mighty, deer-killing machine, bred for centuries to hunt prey such as this deer, was on the run. He was on the run from this lone deer barely sprouting antlers. That, my friends, is courage on the part of the deer. Courage to stand against nature and say “fuck you, I'm not taking this shit anymore”. Why do I bring this up, you ask? Because, these three young, able-bodied 20-something characters in this movie, when faced with any situation at all, not even one slightly threatening mind you, show less courage than that buck who was only a few months old.

      Toby's heart is fucking him up, Kayla is running to get his meds, and Dean is trying with all his might to keep a bedroom door closed to keep a screaming and crying girl who is basically bedridden by her injuries locked inside. If a few ballsy deer ever see this, we as a species are all fucked.

      Jessie stops screaming and Dean decides to open the door to check on her. Remember when I called these two guys idiots? I'm not saying he shouldn't be opening the door to try and help her. I'm just saying that, given that he's already fully committed to “she's fucking crazy, we need to lock her away instead of take her to a hospital”, he should stick with that or not have made that call in the first place. Jessie seems passed out, though (likely from loss of blood), so no harm no foul. Except for with Toby and Kayla since she “gave him too many pills” and now his heart rate is too slow. Fucking stupid people in this movie. Toby wants to go to sleep and, since the guy with a slow heart rate who may die from going to sleep is probably the best judge, Dean and Kayla decide to let him. At this point I don't think any supernatural force has to do anything, these idiots will all die over the weekend on their own.

      There is some shady logic going on in this next scene. I can't make sense of it and Dean's trying to explain it in calm, soothing terms so that drunks and/or traumatized almost-fiance's will buy into it. Still not buying it, Dean, you gotta step it up a notch.

      He doesn't, some time passes, they fall asleep on the couch, and Jessie gets out of bed. She stumbles through the hallway as if she's someone that's lost a lot of blood, tries to get into Toby's room (hey, even the satanically possessed and/or cursed need to get laid every once in a while) but can't, and then stumbles down the hallway towards the living room. Worth noting: at this point I can't tell if she's supposed to look like a zombie or if she's just shuffling as a regularly possessed person. The pixels make it hard to tell what level of make-up went into this scene.

      Whoops, looks like it wasn't Toby's door she tried the first time 'cause door number two is actually his room and now she's standing over his sleeping/dead body. He's just sleeping 'cause he wakes up in time to see her grab a conveniently placed cleaver and start slashing up his back. The others get there in time to see her finish off Toby, then wake her out of her trance long enough that she realizes what she's done. She then slits her own throat in front of her sister and we get to see Kayla cry into Dean's shoulder some more while Dean cries over her back. This has seriously been every other scene since they first realized Jessie wasn't there.

      After some more crying, Dean goes into Toby's room to see the bodies and make sure they're dead. This results in more crying on his part. It also leaves Kayla alone to have the Husband walk by in the background. More crying and (in a case of “seriously, have you never seen any crime show ever?”) Dean hugs/moves/the bodies/otherwise incriminates himself all the while crying even more. I... I think the people that made this movie think that 'crying = acting'. Oh, okay, I get it. Dean was going in there to grab the keys from Toby's body so he and Kayla could leave. Still doesn't explain all the crying. Suck it up, princess, there's shit to be done to keep you and your woman from joining those two. Tears are for later when you're trying to turn this whole thing into comfort sex.

      Dean and Kayla try to make a break for it. It doesn't go well because the car is now in several pieces (which, added together, would not be enough to equal a full car) on the lawn. This ends in more “acting” on both their parts as they cower in a corner of the kitchen. Dean gets mad. You wouldn't like him when he's mad... 'cause it means he cries some more. Kayla comes to the conclusion that it was “that place in the woods” and this all happened because they let Jessie stay there on her own.

      After some more crying, they remember there's a boat. But it needs gas. But there might be some in the shed. But Kayla doesn't want to be alone so they both have to go for it together. Then it turns out there's almost no gas left. But it might be enough. Too bad Dean spills it when he knocks over/cuts himself (it's hard to see, fucking pixels) on a chainsaw after seeing the ghost of a woman with her eyes gouged out.

      Turns out it was a cut from the chainsaw. To his leg. And less severe than road rash or falling on a little bit of gravel. This caused him to drop the gas can they needed to escape, need to be helped inside the cabin, and also need to be bandaged up more than any action hero who'd been shot ten times would need. All while crying. Seriously: when bad-ass deer see this movie, we are all fucked.

      Oh god, now there's even more crying. Like two minutes straight of crying before Kayla “hears something” and goes to check outside. Dean wants her to stay and cry some more, but she's all cried out (for a couple minutes at least) and goes out to see the swing swinging by itself and a purse hanging on the door. Turns out it was Jessie's purse and this is enough to set both of them off crying again. Dean gives a bit of sound advice by trying to tell Kayla to run for help because “whoever out there knows [Dean & Kayla are] trapped”. After some crying and her all but accepting his almost proposal, she runs off into the woods. Dean then opens up Jessie's purse to find the markings she found on the trees and a digital camera that was never mentioned before now. Whatever, let's see what she got pictures of before all this started.

      Pretty standard stuff. Pictures of the group, Dean cries over it, etc etc... some shadowy figure in the middle of the trees, a ghostly figure of a hanged woman, some more shadows you can't make out 'cause the picture is so fucking pixilated, and we're on to Kayla running down a road. She is on a road. And looking into the forest to try and find which way to go to get help. She is not following the paved road to town, she is looking into the woods from where she came. At this point the ghostly woman showing up should probably just take her out of her misery since she's too dumb to live. Ghost Husband shows up to help Ghost Wife, but Kayla manages to escape since fortune smiles on fools and small children... or however that saying goes. She's fucking stupid is what I'm getting at.

      Back in the cabin nothing is happening. That doesn't stop Dean from trying to hobble away from the stairs and out the back door even though his leg is perfectly fine (despite what the bandage would have you believe) and, I repeat, there is nothing going on in the cabin. He does manage to crawl out to the shed that is now apparently attached to the back porch of the house, but then does nothing but look around like a dumb human caught in the headlights. He does manage to find more gas for the boat... when he knocks it over on himself and into his eyes. This leads to a figure showing up, the screen going black, and the sound of the wrench Dean had grabbed (or something) hitting something flesh sounding.

      Now back to “Survival of the... Fittest? Part 2” with Kayla wondering around the woods, finding... some sort of wooden coffin-like structure, climbing in, and then placing the lid back over top of herself. Of course some shadows flick across the top where the light is coming in and she has to cover her mouth to keep from “acting”. Spikes start being driven into the top of her hidey-coffin, and she starts “acting” again. Then the spikes stop for a while and there are some other sounds of movement. Almost like the boat (I assume it was supposed to be a rowboat) she was in was being cast out into the lake. Which it was. She does manage to get out, though. Although without any reason or even any suspense that she might not since it was literally “she's trapped and being pushed out to sea... her head is popping up outside the boat!” and that's it. My buddy Ian described “Wagons East”, which Chris Farley died making (as I'm led to believe or at least vaguely remember) as: “oh look, we're almost there...! ...We're there!” But that's because the guy died and you couldn't finish the rest of the movie (again, may just be pulling this out of my ass, I have been drinking after all), this time it's just “oh, she might not survive...! ...She survived!” for no reason. Anyway, nine minutes left and she's feeling her way through the forest. With weird noises going on. Then she falls down and finds... the ruins of Sorrow Creek like they did plus a bag hanging on a tree. The bag is leaking blood and then...

      She drops the flashlight and there's a voice over like there was at the end of the opening credits scene, the sound of a knife slicing out eyeballs again, and Kayla putting her newly carved out eyes into the bag and hanging it back up before taking a noose out of frame. Some moths flicker around and then the “shock” of Kayla's feet swinging after she hangs herself.

      Now, the answer to the question I've been asking, what the fuck were Daniel and Mr. Forest Ranger My Name Is Jonas involved in this movie for? Turns out they found Kayla's body but none of the other three (...just like the four man crew in the 20s...) after the cabin burned down (...just like the home of crazy wife and husband...) the week before. And...

      I actually shouldn't make fun of this ending. It's actually pretty good. The movie itself, technical difficulties and ridiculous amounts of crying aside, was pretty good. It really could have used the extra 16 or so minutes to establish reasons for them to be so scared and everything, but this surprised me. Once you get beyond the crappy video quality and the fact they cut out a lot of the build up that would really make it a much better movie, it's not bad. For all my bitching about there being too much crying, the acting was half decent and it was generally better than I expected after that first scene. I'd say somebody should pull an “Evil Dead” on this one and remake the same movie but with a bigger budget and a more fleshed out plot. I don't see a Bruce Campbell in this cast, but you never know. Best of the collection so far.

Asylum

Okay, back from the dead like one of the many terrible Return Of The Living Dead sequel, we're going to take a break from the Midnight Horror Collection this time. Instead, what's on the block is a movie on Netflix called “Asylum”. Why? Because why should I use a service like Netflix to watch good movies that I might actually enjoy when I can use it to watch bad movies and get drunk to them? Also, for those of you that are interested, I did try to do an audio recording of a different movie review with Julie, but realized three things after the fact: 1. I have a terrible speaking voice. My joke about it sounding like cow shit going through a meat grinder actually isn't that far off. 2. There are large portions of time when I do this with other people where we don't talk about the movie or anything going on in it at all. And 3. Trying to do an audio recording of this just means I'd have to sit down and transcribe what was said into blog form anyway. So fuck that noise, on with “Asylum”.

      Credits and creepy music over old pictures from inside an asylum. At least they seem to have a basic grasp of how to start a horror movie. Then again, the credits have been the highlight of more than a couple of the movies I've talked about so let's not get our hopes up. Getting straight into the action, there's a couple kids (a boy and a girl) standing on the stairs listening to their parents fight in a different room. Looks like they can see into the living room where their fighting and mom is trying to get dad to go back on his meds. Dad is complaining about something or someone coming for him. But they only want him so they'll leave mom and the kids alone if he's not there. Which ends with a self-inflicted gunshot to his head right in front of his entire family. I suppose, in real world terms, that's better than turning the gun on everyone else first, but still gotta think the invisible monsters he was fighting get the points for that one considering how messed up his kids are likely to be from it.

      I guess it was a dream/memory 'cause next we see a fairly good looking college girl (“Madison”) waking up when her mom drops her off. Who's mom drops them off at college? Mom doesn't seem to want to let her go, but since they pretty much say older brother Brandon is dead to, you can kinda see her not wanting to let the last of her family out of her sight.

      Hey, you know that crappy Dave Matthews Band sound of music and other crap people in the 90s tried to pawn off as the type of music college kids listened to? Imagine an even blander, more generic sound of that. That's the music playing on this stereotypical college campus. Seriously, nothing but stock photo city so far. Including an old creepy looking repairman/janitor/whatever and an over-zealous rent-a-cop. The repair guy says the new dorm Madison is moving into is haunted. Since it's the old asylum from the pictures in the credits and only half renovated, I'm going to guess it probably is.

      Madison makes her way through the dorm up to her room only to find some scuzzy-douchey looking guy standing in her doorway drawing something. I guess that's slightly better than if he were shirtless playing an acoustic guitar, but either one would fit him nicely. Madison does what I think we all would like to do in that situation and pulls out her mace (although she stops short of actually spraying him which I don't think I would have in that situation) in order to get him to move out of the way. He creepily stares at her as she goes in. In real life that'd be stalker behaviour, in the movie he's probably going to end up the love interest.

      So mom gave Madison a present with a note saying “Brandon would have wanted you to have this” and it turns out to be a necklace. Putting it on and looking at herself in the mirror, Madison is suddenly choked by the necklace which has become barbed wire and has to rip it off. I'm no expert, but with a history of mental problems in the family like she has, that might be a warning sign since, as soon as it's off her neck, it turns back into a regular necklace.

      More crappy music plays and we get to the mandatory orientation. Mandatory orientation? I guess that's a thing at this college. Also, go figure, scuzzy-douche is there and introduces himself to the girl who was so disgusted by him she almost maced him in the middle of a brightly lit, witness filled dorm hallway. For some reason she doesn't finish the job but instead introduces himself and continues to stand by him as Super-Jock shows up to tell Scuzzy-Douche that “there are some hot fucking bitches in this place” before looking over at what turns out to be (when she turns around) a rather slutty looking blonde and saying “you've got really nice tits”. Nothing but class and winners all around and worth noting that he hadn't actually seen her tits yet when he said that to her. She was into his rather forward approach, though, since she decides to stop talking to the guy she was standing with before and come over to join our motley crew of ghost fodder. Madison takes this time to find some scrawny, nerdy looking loser (who also turns out to be only 16) and go introduce herself to him. His name is String because he... plays with string a lot. Also, out of nowhere in this so far all-white school for the master race, there's a Hispanic girl named Mya that... just showed up and everyone goes along with it. Yay first day of college... I guess.

      The grad student councillor shows up and starts to do his bit, with Super-Jock trying to be funny and talking over him. This guy also looks like a pretty huge douche and even goes by the nickname “Rez” but he does make the plot point that this is the first group of students to live in this building in over 60 years. Then the tour starts as more crappy music (possibly the same crappy music as before since I'm betting they only bought the rights to one song). Three things to point out here: the tour group has suddenly devolved from probably around 50 people to just the main six; some of the students that were at orientation are already in the parts of the dorm (TV room, poker table, etc) that the tour is going through; and Rez makes a point of talking about the “brand new, unbreakable glass” between the hall and the gym area. I'm guessing that's a set up for something later.

      Mya shoots down Super-Jock, but the slutty blonde (who only now introduces herself as Ivy) is all for it. This being a movie that seems to be following a cookie-cutter approach to story, I'm guessing we see her naked within half an hour and dead within five minutes of that. Also, Scuzzy-Douche is named Holt and Ivy is all over him too but she figures Madison wants him so I guess she backs off a bit. They come to the bordered off section of the dorm and it turns out Rez is the only one with the key since no one is allowed in there. The lights flicker once and everyone goes off on the next part of the tour.

      Later that night, Madison is wandering the halls and finds a picture of her brother in a trophy case. This being in the middle of a thunderstorm that showed up after a completely cloud free day, she hears someone crying further down the hall and goes to investigate. Naturally, it's her dead brother who talks to her about not fitting in and being just like their dad before shooting himself in the ghost head. Of course when her crazy-ass looks back, he isn't there because he's already dead. Sign number two that something might be wrong with her.

      Right after this, Madison decides it's time to go interact with her group of hastily cobbled together college stereotypes and Super-Jock pulls out a bottle of tequila and a string of “triple XL” condoms (he literally says the line “I'm kinda hung... nicely”). He's really cementing himself in the role of “first person I want to see killed in this movie” with his continued dickitude. Mya this time joins in on the teasing of String by Super-Jock, but he takes a big swig of the bottle and gains acceptance from the group. He then goes on to fill in everybody on how this new dorm of theirs used to be a mental asylum. Going online to show everyone the research he did into the place, String grabs Holt's laptop even though Holt tells him it's “got a security password”. This is no problem for String since he's apparently the “kid that crashed eBay”. Not sure that's how you're supposed to do product placement, eBay, but good try. Everybody gets a kick out of this fact when he backs it up by breaking into the laptop in two seconds and begins explaining that the place was run by a crazy doctor that did a bunch of lobotomies through the eye sockets and a bunch of other torture stuff on his teenage patients. Ivy makes a point, out of nowhere, of saying “scary stories are sexy”. Betting it's fairly soon she's naked. The crazy doctor, having been discredited, started killing his patients until they led an uprising and killed him (the standard “his body was never found” tag is attached as per generic horror) which leads to the question: why was he still allowed to be performing operations on his patients after being discredited and having a psychotic breakdown? You really dropped the ball on that one, medical community of 60 years ago.

      Rez shows up and says no drugs or booze in the dorm, then leaves. This and the rest of the story convince everyone they need to go over to the abandoned side of the building. String hacks through the lock that only Rez has a key for and away they all go. Funny part of the movie so far: after Super-Jock literally knocks a door off its hinges and onto the ground, he tells the others to be quiet and someone, I think String, calls him on it. Otherwise it's just standard kids poking around a haunted house stuff and calling on the ghosts. Also, there's a prosthetic leg in there because why not?

     They find the doctor's office and start looking through the files. Never actually pausing long enough to let you read anything in them, they just scan over the pages and have Madison say “my god, he really was a psychopath” and expect you to take her word for it. This coming from the girl that's having delusional breaks from reality as it is, but we'll leave that for now. While she's reading the files, however, everyone else wanders off leaving Madison to go searching for them alone. She's found by rent-a-cop and makes up the story that she “heard someone screaming and the door was unlocked” so she went in to check it out. Rent-a-cop is more concerned about getting her out of the off limits section than following up on her “I heard someone screaming” story, but whatever, we all know it was a lie so we'll just let it go since we're a third of the way through the movie and nothing supernatural has happened yet.

      Everyone else is fine, by the way. They're all sitting back in the common room not even worried about where Madison went. They're happy she covered for them even though they seem to have forgotten there were six of them when they went exploring in the first place. Rez happens to be walking by right at this time and rent-a-cop chews him out because there's not supposed to be any students in the abandoned section. Turns out there are three key cards for the door (Rez gets one, rent-a-cop another, and creepy handyman the third) so Rez is a liar. He's also high on my list of people I want to see killed. Not the least of which is because he. Very suddenly and without provocation, grabs String like he's about to start hitting him or throwing him around or something when String steps in to defend Madison. Super-Jock actually comes to the rescue by grabbing Rez the same way he grabbed String and we're given a nice look at how, in a truly anarchist society where there are no rules and no government or other body to enforce order, the physically weak will be preyed on by those stronger and so on up the chain of dominance. Just kidding. I mean, that stuff actually happens in this case, but it's totally unintentional and I just made that up. Sounded like something from a stereotypical college class, though.

      Madison goes to check on String, who has run to his room, only to find him packing up to leave and on the verge of tears. She reassures him that everyone thinks he's cool and that he's smarter than “the rest of us put together”. You can just see the look in String's eyes 'cause he thinks he's going to end up getting laid out of this and then the crushing defeat in them when she adds “you remind me of my brother”. It's really sad and I shouldn't laugh 'cause I've been friend-zoned almost as quickly, but I still do. He decides not to pack up and leave right that instant and she goes back to the rest of the bunch.

      Thoroughly defeated in his attempt to have sex in real life, String turns to the lonely nerd's most faithful companion, internet pornography. I assume, anyway, we don't actually see what he's looking up on the computer 'cause the lights go out and a disembodied voice starts telling String he “knows things about [String's] past”. That's a bit of a mood killer when all you're looking for is some “alone time”. After being transported back into the green-lit room from his childhood, String's drunken mom stumbles in with a bottle in her hand and wearing not a lot more than a T-shirt and bathrobe. She then goes on a drunken psychologically abusive rant that ends with her voice changing to that of what I assume is the ghost of the doctor and saying he's going to kill him. The doctor himself then takes the place of his mother and starts talking down to String about “the pain he suffered” and talks about the time String tried to hang himself. It's at that point the doctor puts his hands on String and suddenly the string String had been playing with gets larger and longer (ha, it's a joke about the porn he didn't get a chance to watch) and wraps around his body and neck, killing him.

      Next morning, everyone but Madison and String are playing poker, when Madison comes in and asks where String is. Going to look for him, she sees a ghostly figure in a lab coat walking across the hallway and disappearing. Remember, family history of seeing things and again she doesn't say anything to anyone about what she saw just goes and investigates herself. Getting to the hallway she saw the guy in, she sees the door leading into the asylum close and decides that's enough investigating and knocks on String's already open door. It swings open and she sees him hanging there, tied up and dead. She screams and runs to get help. This is where the sense ends since, when she comes back with rent-a-cop and other rent-a-cops, they also decide to bring with them Rez and everyone else from the group to come take a look at the dead body. That... seems like something that isn't likely to happen. Oh, and of course when they get to String's room, his body isn't there anymore. Madison is convinced she actually saw him in there, so rent-a-cop does the sane thing after hearing String was on the verge of leaving and says they'll check with his parents to see if he went home. Holt (aka Scuzzy-Douche) decides to jump in on Madison's side and calls rent-a-cop a “glorified security guard” and tries to tell him how to do his job. Rent-a-cop's rent-a-cop buddy reacts the way anyone in their position would to that by saying “I'm going to pretend you didn't say that”. Likely his only line in the movie since they go off to look for String likely never to be seen from again (original rent-a-cop will probably be back, these other two... probably not).

      Super-Jock is now working out in the gym with the unbreakable glass (shirtless of course because it's not like anyone else might want to use those without having his sweat on it). Then goes, still shirtless, to talk to Mya who is studying in the room across the hall. After shooting him down again and asking if Super-Jock (I finally heard his name and I guess it's “Tommy”) didn't get enough attention from his mom as a kid, Tommy says “if there's one thing I don't want to talk about it's my mom”. And then goes on to rant about his mom and how he used to be fat. Mya seems to be at least warming up to him after it, though, so I guess opening up about your deepest insecurities and pain to a girl you met literally the day before is a good ice breaker? Must be since she turns around and tells him that her ex used to beat her up and she doesn't want to talk about it. Then she goes on to talk about how she doesn't let people get close to her because she's afraid they'll learn her secret to a guy that she just met the day before. Really? These two have these big dark secrets they're trying to keep from the world and they just talk about them like it's nothing? At least Will Ferrell in Austin Powers took three questions before giving out Dr. Evil's plans, these guys take just one “what do you mean?” and they're spilling their guts. And not in the way you'd expect halfway through a horror movie.

      Hey look, the build-up to a shower scene. But it's Madison instead of Ivy that's about to get naked so there's a twist. Uh oh, looks like the drain isn't working and the shower won't turn off. Also, the shower is apparently totally water-tight and fills up to her knees within ten seconds of being on which are two things I have trouble believing about the showers in a dorm in a renovated mental asylum. Oh, and the door won't open. We do get to see some underwater T&A, though. Both T and A and, if you don't blink, maybe even some underwater full-frontal. Go figure that the wholesome looking good-girl main character would get naked before the slutty looking disposable friend. The shower is completely full of water at this point, but we cut to outside in the bathroom and her screams for help are clear like they're not underwater at all. Oh yeah, the shower and bathroom are attached to her dorm room. Meaning that each dorm room has it's own bathroom. Combine that with the implication that they're all one person rooms as well (why else would Madison have found String instead of his roommate?), plus how nice and clean the rooms are and, given the only thing I know about living in dorms is what I've gathered from TV and movies and one friend that lived there, you've sold me on living in the place haunted or not. Seriously, this dorm seems to kick a lot of ass. Private bathrooms and unbreakable glass in the gym? If I wasn't already finished university I'd sign up for next year. I know there's at least one room available.

      Back to the movie. Ivy comes in and finds he hugging her knees in an empty shower instead of swimming to stay afloat in a full one like she just was. Madison says it wouldn't turn off, but Ivy turns it off without a problem. Another sign there's something wrong in Madison's head or actually spooky asylum stuff? Doesn't matter 'cause now it's time for the two of them to open up about their secret tragedies. Naturally, since it's in Ivy's nature, it starts off with Ivy saying that Madison's brother, who she sees in a picture beside the bed) is gorgeous. This leads to Madison talking about how he died a year ago and the two bonding over not being crazy since it turns out Ivy used to (or possibly still does since she says “it feels good”) cut herself. I'm also not being an insensitive dick with that last line (okay, I probably am, but for different reasons) since that's pretty much what Ivy says word for word (“why show me?” “because I'm not crazy... and neither are you”).

      It's night again, and now Mya gets a knock on her door. Turns out to be Rez just “checking in on everybody” 'cause they're all freaked out about String and stuff. You know, checking in on everybody by bringing a bottle of wine to drink with Mya. Just the way he's talking makes him rise above Tommy (for now) in people I want to see dead soon. A few glasses later, their laughing and Rez is sharing a story about how he got locked in a storage closet naked. He then awkwardly tries to transition that into hitting on Mya. This does not go well for him. She starts out politely hinting that she wants him to leave. He decides this is a good time to force a kiss (and more) on her. She, quite rightly, grabs and crushes his balls a bit when he won't stop. That gets his attention, although his parting shot is “you just messed with the wrong person”. Lucky for Rez it seems Mya won't get the chance to file any charges against him 'cause the lights flicker and she's transported back to Stereotype City. Or at least her old apartment where mariachi music is playing and everything is decorated the way a white person with no contact with anyone of any other culture and a severely racist upbringing would think a Mexican apartment would be decorated. Her scumbag ex-boyfriend is there, of course, and starts yanking her around by the hair before pulling a switch blade on her and throwing her into a mirror. He becomes the doctor and scalps her. I'm not sure whoever wrote this has their stereotypes quite right.

      Now Madison is looking up “insanity” on Wikipedia. I paused the movie and checked, and it turns out the page she's looking at, though definitely Wikipedia, is NOT the Wikipedia page on insanity. Though it does use the same picture at the top of the article so I wonder if maybe that was the actual page before some edits and a formatting change? Hard to tell but props to them for at least knowing that the only way anyone in college researches anything is by using Wikipedia. Holt shoes up to talk with her and asks what she's doing. Madison, instinctively, closes down her browser and answers “nothing, just... messing around”. Now, not to start stereotyping as bad as this movie does, but whenever anyone asks anyone what their doing on the computer when they're looking at a blank desktop and the answer is “nothing” (not even the “just messing around” part), the real answer is ALWAYS “looking at porn and masturbating”. In fact, no matter what the answer they give you is, if they're sitting there with a blank desktop on the computer screen, you can bet they were looking at porn before you walked in to interrupt them. Holt, obviously missing the fact Madison wants some “alone time” (even though in this one and only case she was looking up something important... likely before the porn), tries to get her to come with him to look for String. She refuses, and then starts to talk about the “really weird stuff” she's been seeing and tell him about her dad and brother shooting themselves. To a guy she met three days ago. When she says “maybe I'm just like them” i.e. “crazy”, Holt comforts her by saying “not even close”. Remember, he's only known her for three days and she's confessed to seeing weird things including String tied up and dead when no one else saw it. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say he actually thinks she is bat-shit insane, but is banking on the old “the crazy ones are better in bed” rule and rolling the dice on her sleeping with him before she goes totally nuts.

      Of course, in his own words, the possibility of her being crazy because it runs in her family “doesn't matter because [she's] talking to a recovering drug addict”. Wait, what? I get that this is the only place in the history of the entire world where everyone shares the deepest, darkest experiences and fears with everyone else they meet in less than a week, but how do those two even compare let alone one cancel out the other? But fuck logic, we've got an anti-drug story to tell here. Turns out Holt “used to do a lot of drugs” and was supposed to be watching his little brother one time. After “shooting up with heroin” he heard his brother fall around into the pool. Holt jumped in, ripped through the pool cover, and performed CPR, but it was too late; he killed his little brother. Again: wait, what? That pretty much sounds like he did everything he could possibly do to save the kid. A fact made doubly impressive considering he was on smack at the time. I mean, I've never done the stuff myself, but I've seen Trainspotting and know that heroin is a “downer” so Holt leaping into action like that... fuck, I've been completely sober and not bothered to answer a call for help from my siblings until the show I was watching went to commercial. Granted there wasn't a life threatening situation involved, but you get the point.

      Creepy repairman Mackie shows up outside Madison's room and says it's “too late to stop the doctor”. After she chases after him and Holt chases after her, he goes on to talk about the ghost of the doctor roaming the halls. Holt tries to get Madison to come back to her room 'cause he was really close to getting some survivors guilt pity sex, but she wants to stay and listen. Apparently the doctor only goes after “troubled souls; like you and your friends”. Mackie leaves and the lights flicker.

      The next morning, rent-a-cop tells everyone that the only two people missing from the dorm are String and Mya. Rez says he was “just talking” with Mya in her room even though he was the last one to see her. Tommy gets in another Super-Jock comment of “shut the fuck up, you're hitting that shit?” in the middle of a serious conversation, but the main point is Mackie's hat was found in the abandoned section but no Mackie. Rent-a-cop makes promises of finding the missing kids and getting to the bottom of it, then restricts everyone inside the dorm where two people have already gone missing mysteriously in three days. Not saying that's the reason he didn't make it onto the force, but it probably didn't help.

      Madison comes to the conclusion that maybe it's Mackie that's been killing people and just using the legend of the doctor as a cover. Even Holt calls bullshit on that, but no time for argument because we need to cut to that night and Tommy working out again (shirtless, of course). This time the doctor does show up. Go go unbreakable glass! Not quite yet. Tommy gets sent back to his kitchen where his obese (in his words from before his “whole family is obese”) mom is bringing him another plate full of food. She tells him he hasn't been eating enough and he isn't going anywhere until he eats everything. They argue and she says, word for word, “I will not love you if you get skinny”. What. The. Fuck. She then becomes the doctor who shows his physical dominance over Tommy (remember the lesson with him, Rez, and String from before?) by lifting him up by the throat and continuing the verbal assault on him before throwing him on the table, crawling on top of him, and pinning him to the table by stabbing him through the wrists (conveniently crossed behind his head on top of each other) with a carving knife. Also, the way the scene is shot and the looks on Tommy's face through it, you kinda get the feeling you're watching a rape. It's not really horrifying, just disturbing for entirely different reasons than a horror movie should invoke. So yeah... the doctor starts cutting off Tommy's tongue and then his lips and generally mutilating him. Doesn't show him killing him, but it's implied.

      Cut to Madison and Holt sitting on a bed and getting close while talking about the weird things that have been going on and how Mackie might be a psychotic killer. Time for them to kiss, obviously. They start getting into it and suddenly the asylum decides to cock-block Scuzzy-Douche by turning the lights out and slamming and locking the window. It's enough to get them to stop, get out of the room, and see that the rest of the dorm is without power too. Although when confronted with the obvious “where is everyone?” question, they decide to go check downstairs rather than knock on someone else's door. Why? Because we've already used the lines “I won't love you if you get skinny” and “you being crazy doesn't matter because I'm a recovering drug addict” so fuck logic, that's why. Finding that the door to the stairs is locked, Madison decides to call Tommy. Not someone like rent-a-cop or even Rez who might have a key or at least some semblance of pseudo authority in this place, her Super-Jock friend. That's gotta be a blow to Holt's ego. In a time of crisis the girl he's hitting on has the immediate reaction of “I'm going to call this other guy I know”. For no reason at all, there's no signal but they see that the light is on in the gym (but nowhere else) so they wander through the dark hallway to check that out never once thinking that there might be a problem since, you know, everywhere else has lost power. Given what's been going on in the past three days, I think it's safe to say that, with the power out to the building and the doors downstairs locked for mysterious reasons, the smart thing to do is not to go looking into the one room that has lights on.

      They find Tommy, still alive for a second, choking on his own blood with the doctor standing over him. Tommy dies and the doctor turns to come at them. Thankfully, Mackie is standing behind the doctor and hits him with a shovel. I'm almost halfway through a 40 of rum and even I can point out that A: if he's some psychotic ghost, a simple shovel shouldn't bring him down like it does, and B: if Mackie was back there the whole time, shouldn't he have maybe used that shovel beforehand to save Tommy? Although maybe he just got tired of his Super-Jock schtick like I did and wanted to see him offed, too. Can't really blame the guy.

      Anyway, all three of them (since Mackie caught up to them in an instant) run and hide in a supply closet while the doctor walks after them. The doc taunts them, calling Mackie by name, and then goes of to find someone else to kill. Everyone breathes for a moment and Mackie tells the story about how he used to be a patient at the asylum in it's last days. He was even the one the doctor was performing a lobotomy on when the other patients rose up and killed the guy so we get some flashbacks of enraged teenagers rescuing an 11 year old Mackie with lobotomy spikes in his eyes from the doctor. The former patients then string the doctor up in one of the torture contraptions he'd used on them and one girl draws the long straw and gets to stab the picks into the doc's eyes. Now, they only show her doing it (and then all of them walking away to leave him to suffer), but either the rest of them took turns doing it afterwards or she won the goddamn lottery 'cause you gotta think they ALL wanted to be the ones to stab him in the eyes. Young Mackie finds a drain pipe to crawl through to get out while everyone else runs out the front door, and then we're back to the present.

      The decision is made that, since they can't get out through the stairs, they'll use Mackie's key card (good thing Rez was lying when he said he had the only one) to go over to the asylum side and get out through there because I guess ghost magic to lock the doors in the dorm doesn't work over there. Fuck it, less than 20 minutes left, keep rolling. Ivy is wandering through the halls on her own talking about it being “so messed up” that the power's out. Lucky for her it's the other three that get to her before the doctor and she starts running along with them rather than questioning. Suddenly they have flashlights (something they said they needed to get but were never shown getting) and are in the asylum side still running for their lives. Ivy still doesn't know what's going on. The doctor shows up because, you know, he's a ghost that haunts the entire place not just the dorm side and goes after Mackie to “finish what he started”. Rather than try to help the only guy that knows the layout of the place, Madison, Holt, and Ivy decide it's time to run away on their own. Way to be dicks. Although it turns out to be a good thing since Mackie dies two seconds after they leave him. Also, Ivy gets left behind because her needlessly short skirt isn't as easy to run in... I can only assume since they were all in a group before but she's the one that gets separated and trapped by the doctor.

      Even from the start Ivy's flashback is unsettling. A spotlight is shining in her eyes and then she turns around to see a child's bed with a prominently displayed sign saying “daddy loves Ivy” on the wall. Yeah... there's a camera and her dad wanting to “play another game” there telling her to be quiet 'cause they “don't want her mother to hear” while they “make another movie; just [her] and daddy”. That's when the doctor shows up and kills her. No jokes this time 'cause... yeah.

      Madison and Holt make it down to the basement where the vent young Mackie crawled through to escape is. Remember, they had to run down the stairs past whatever door was on the main floor to get to the basement in order to search for this vent. Rather than a vent, they first find the bodies of everyone the doc has killed in the course of the movie. Including Ivy so that means the doctor is now free to come after them since that's how evil spirits work. They do find the vent and manage to pry the grill covering it open, but not before the doctor shows up and Holt tries to fight him with a pipe that was just lying around. As you might guess, this leads to Holt being thrown back into the pool at his parent's place trying to save his brother. The doctor shows up as the brother as Holt tries to give CPR, but is stopped from killing him by Madison who, having come back from the escape vent she was crawling into, hits the doctor with that useful lead pipe causing him to stab himself through the arm with his own lobotomy needle.

      They both crawl through the pipe with the doctor removing the needle and then ripping off his lab coat to reveal the gimp costume underneath (to be fair, this is what he was in when he was strung up on the wall and the patients killed him; it was one of the “therapy” rooms in his hospital... I don't understand it either).

      You would think that, since the doctor has been limited to the asylum for 60 years, once they escaped through the vent it'd be fine. Not so since, for no reason whatsoever, the doctor shows up out in the open on the other side of the tunnel in a broken and abandoned factory. In the middle of the day, mind you. I mean, it was pitch black night a few minutes ago when they were running for their lives, but now that they're going to be outside it's a clear day. And the doctor is there. And there's a forest and no other buildings around even though they were just on a university campus which was (presumably) in the middle of a city. How long was that tunnel they crawled through?

      Trying to escape, Holt helps Madison by boosting her up onto a ledge through a fence. And by that I mean he “shamelessly grabs her ass as he boosts her up through a fence on a ledge that she probably could have pulled herself up to just as easily”. They don't even try to disguise it or anything. This is just the scene where Scuzzy-Douche grabs the main character's ass. They run across some train tracks with a train almost running them over since that'll stop a ghost (hint: it doesn't), then run through the aforementioned forest that showed up out of nowhere until Madison trips over the largest most obvious branch in the woods and falls. As you might assume, the doctor is there to great her when she looks up.

      Some more running since the doctor didn't feel like doing anything more than just standing there menacingly at the time, and this time it's Holt that falls down a clearly seen hill in the middle of a brightly lit forest for no reason. Trying to keep him from looking foolish, Jill came tumbling after. Sorry, MADISON came tumbling after. Anyway, Holt manages to defy all laws of logic, natural selection, and spit in the face of humanity being the dominant species of the planet by getting his leg trapped between two logs no more than an inch and a half across and then not being able to get it free or even reach his arms down to try and move one of the logs. Seriously, he just lies there jerking his leg around like it's caught in a bear trap or something. At least try to use your hands your fucking idiot.

      Anyway, the doctor shows up and, I shit you not, tries to sound like Marlon Brando in The Godfather. His line, delivered in an actually not too bad impersonation, is “There's no point in... running”, Seriously, if Don Corleone was wearing a BDSM suit and holding lobotomy knives over top of a trapped college kid and a terrified other college kid, this would be what it was like. That thought alone makes me laugh and really undercuts the tension they're trying to build with this scene. In fact, I'm going to go back and watch it again just to make sure that's what it sounds like. Yup, that and the next line the doctor says are clear cut NAMBLA (National Association of Marlon Brando Look-Alike) applications (South Park, come on now, if they can joke about it so can I). Anyway, the doc moves in for the kill on Holt again, but this time Madison cries out for the good doctor to “help” her. The doc goes for it and, despite Holt's protests, he goes over to dispense his murderous form of tough love therapy on her.

      Paused the movie and time for wild speculation. I'm betting I know how they end this. Remember how so far whenever the doctor has killed people he takes them back to their original trauma first? And how he takes the form of the person that caused their trauma and goes out of his way to re-enact it before ultimately killing them? Remember what caused Madison's trauma in the first place? It was her father killing himself in front of them all. The doctor wants to re-enact her trauma? Let him go for it. Just as he gets to the point where he flips in instead of her dad, Madison, in her gritty heroine of a horror movie voice, delivers a one-liner about the trauma being her dad died and the doc's brains end up blown out. Cut to the doc's body dropping in the woods, Madison helping Holt out of that inexplicably puzzling pile of firewood, and the two of them walking off into the sunset or whatever. Good fucking ending considering the movie it's attached to.

     As you might guess, this is not what happens. She does call him over and the doctor does fall for it with Holt yelling about it the whole time, but then... yeah... all that happens is she takes one of his lobotomy spikes and stabs him through the head with it. Also, it's not even “she wrestles one away from him and hits him with his own spike”, it's one that she had in her hand from... when she took it from him in the basement? That's the only other time she might have grabbed one, although fucked if it was ever in her hand between then and now. She does get a pretty good one-liner in since the doctor has always said “give me your suffering” before he “cures” his other victims. He says that to her and she comes back with “give me YOUR suffering, motherfucker!” Not exactly Die Hard level one-liner, granted, but considering this movie doesn't even take the best ending it wrote into it's own script and she's supposed to be 18 or so, I'm willing to bet that's as good a one-liner as anyone would come up with on the spot.

      Oh yeah, that's the end, by the way. She uses a lobotomy pick she didn't have until right then to stab him through the head and we watch all the spirits of the people he killed float away and his body collapse into the stereotypical black dust of horror movies. Then Holt and Madison wander through the forest to a road in the middle of a field holding hands without even a thought to the fact that none of the field, forest, or country road should be that close to their university dorm. The same bad music from the start rolls over the credits.

      But seriously, how much better was my ending than the one in the movie? The last scene is the doctor taking the place of her dad, with the gun still to his head, and telling her to give him her suffering, and she answers back with “you forgot one thing... if he doesn't die, there is no suffering” and then the doctor/dad shoots himself and the spirits are freed, etc, etc. Aside from that... good on them for subverting the horror movie idea that the obviously slutty blonde will be the one to get naked? I'm reaching for anything good about this so there's that and the whole sociological undertones that I totally made up for that one scene. Even if you include that, though, the crappy music (and there actually was more than one song despite it all sounding like the same generic crap) ruins it. No stars unless you feel the need to see what a girl who looks similar to the one on the show Fringe looks like naked underwater. It might be worth seeing if that's your fetish, otherwise not so much.