Since what really gets “the kids” going these days is a teen vampire movie, both Midnight Horror Collection Volume 8 and me decided to get in on this act and bring you “The Last Vampire On Earth”. This 80 minute masterpiece is described on the back of the case as being about Aurelius (really?) and Chloe who “lead opposite lives but, when they are cast together in a class play, find that they have something in common- a deep, dark secret.” I'm no Batman, but it probably doesn't take the world's greatest detective to figure out what that secret is going to be. We're also back to a movie that has no recognizable names in it so looks like I'll actually have to pay attention to character names rather than calling one of them by the role they played for a quarter of one season on a TV show 25 years ago (yes, Next Generation was 25 years ago; my god I feel old). Anyway, on with the show.
We start with a full moon (because... vampires?) and what sounds like a teenage girl (or at least an actress in her 20s trying to play a teenage girl) doing a voice-over about supernatural creatures and “who are we to say what's evil?” and stuff about how people only hate vampires because they're jealous or are afraid of them. Now I've never seen Twilight, but I've gathered enough about it to figure that this is pretty much it. Also, one of the shots during the credits (with terribly crappy emo music playing over top just to make sure you know it's one of the “new” vampire movies where the vampires don't suck blood, they just suck) has a girl sitting reading what looks like it might be one of the Twilight books. Is it still a rip-off if they're so blatant about it?
Ugh. The quality of the film is already making me cringe almost as much as the poor writing. And now a guy with a dyed blonde emo haircut wearing hipster clothes is laughing and telling his friend that he “wouldn't go anywhere looking like that” about a girl dressed in all black with goth/emo style make-up. I want to believe that was being ironic on purpose, but judging from the look of this movie so far... I really doubt it was. Four minutes into the movie I'm starting to think this was just something someone slapped together for a high school project that ended up on this disk 'cause of the Twilight angle. Now blonde emo's buddy is making fun of some other dude walking up by saying he's”like the palest dude ever”. I guess he can't make fun of the other guy's clothes or hair since he looks exactly like him in that regard so he goes for the tanning jokes because... wait, he's ghostly white too. What the hell? I may be old, but even I remember school well enough to know that the “popular kids” (who, for no reason that I can see, are what these two are supposed to be) would at least choose things that were different about the other kids to make fun of them for.
In class now, and coincidentally “today is the day we start delving into Bram Stoker's Dracula”. I don't really see the advantage in calling attention to a piece of fiction that's that far ahead of the one you're trying to make, but let's see where this is going. Nowhere good. Both acting wise and story wise. Hey, look at that though, turns out the “pale” (again, seems to be a relative term) kid is Aurelius and he gets to play Dracula in the class's performance. I'm betting subtlety was a subject not covered in whatever 10th rate film school the people behind this movie went to.
This is definitely someone's high school project that they just got their friends to act in. There's... there's no other excuse for the acting in this next scene. Or anything else so far in this movie. Also, the sound. It really echos around in some spots so that you can barely make out what the people are saying. Speaking from experience (although in my case it was the fucking wind that did me in), that's a pretty good sign this is a half-assed amateur production.
This is getting painful already. Aurelius, doing his best Sad George Michael Bluth walk, walks up to a “bloodmobile” that is sitting on campus (because I guess minors at high schools are all about giving blood?) and, after no more than an introduction, tells the driver that he wants to “buy some of this blood from you”. I know they're probably working on a tight budget, but come on. At least take a couple minutes or so to build up to that. The driver doesn't go for it until he sees some cash and then the kid is “speaking his language” (yes, he actually said that). Also, I guess 5 gallons of blood is no problem for a driver to steal to sell to some random high school kid. Script problems: this movie has many. On the plus side, using bored, disinterested teenagers really helps when they're playing bored, disinterested teenagers reading Dracula out loud in class.
Now some awkward teenage interactions between awkward teenagers written by (I can only assume) an awkward teenager... or just someone with that level of ability to write realistic dialogue (please note: here I mean they nail the awkward part of it, but some of the things they say... wow). Anyway, Chloe (one of the popular girls) is approaching Aurelius (the emo-looking loser who is somehow different from the emo-looking popular kids from the start) to get together to work on their Dracula scenes. Awkwardness all around.
Next we see Chloe in getting a blood test or something. When she's finished the nurse tells her to “enjoy the rest of day and remember to drink a lot of water”. Chloe responds with “okay, you too” I assume about the enjoying the day part, but the way I heard it was reminding the nurse to drink a lot of water. I laughed. That's also the end of the scene. There doesn't seem to be a lot of context in some of these secondary scenes (the last two have just had characters standing in hallways). Then we get back to more awkwardness as the two leads are now out in a coffee shop trying to talk to each other again. Also turns out Chloe is the daughter of a preacher and wants to be a missionary and all sorts of other good-girl, religious type stuff. Then she asks if Aurelius wants to go to church with her sometime. Saving/converting the heathen or just awkward high school good-girl trying to think up a date for her and the “bad boy”? Either way he says yes and then leaves without them actually reading any Dracula because this movie has some story problems.
Then we are treated to a sermon in the church. Yes, in an 80 minute movie about high school vampires, the first 20 minutes have included a reading of a few pages from Dracula and now a church service. And then an extended shot of everybody getting up and leaving the church. I know I'm not the greatest film maker in the world, but even I could edit a fair chunk of this down. It does end with Chloe introducing Aurelius to her dad and him inviting the guy over for dinner so that's probably stuff for later on in the movie. And Aurelius has one of the (so far) few really good, snappy lines. After a couple young girls talk to Chloe (she runs the church's youth group) and they leave, he says “aren't you miss popular” as they're walking away and the scene changes. I'm willing to bet the kid just improvised that when they were filming.
Another transition scene that doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense, and we get to the dinner. Aurelius shows up with some flowers for Chloe and, even more surprising, is wearing a bright green shirt instead of the usual nothing but black and white that everyone (and I mean everyone) in this movie has been so far. He also brings another bunch of flowers for Chloe's mom. This kid is smooth. Also, after seeing Chloe's mom, you really have to hope she doesn't fall into the “in 25 years every girl turns into her mother” generality because that is one large and unattractive lady. They haven't actually said what religion Chloe's dad is a minister for, but he keeps specifically saying “Jehovah” so I'm going to go ahead and say it's Jehovah's Witness. Also, maybe this movie is supposed to be that church's response to the vampire craze? The more I think about it, it does kinda have the overtones of something that could've been sponsored by a church. Plus the minister's daughter and family being so open and accepting to the “loser” that the popular people in secular society rejected? We'll have to wait and see. Totally called the Jehovah's Witness thing, by the way. A couple minutes later they flat out say it. That's probably a bit important since, in their religion, they don't believe in things like blood transfusions and such because blood is sacred. When Aurelius says he wants to study haematology and find cures for blood diseases (as well as, you know, being a vampire), this causes a bit of an awkward pause. But then they just carry on as if it's no big deal so yay for them for being so accepting, I guess.
Wow, they are really playing up this morally-upstanding good-girl thing with Chloe (although that's a mighty short skirt for such a good girl). The next time you see her she's “doing some recreational reading. It's fun to read something without being forced to for class”. I mean, I'm a fan of reading for fun too, but to actually say those exact words in a movie? Wow. Some pretty terrible dialogue (seriously, from what everyone says about what piss-poor writing Twilight is, this has to be worse... maybe), the two of them go for a walk and have some nice, clean, wholesome fun. Seriously, they don't even kiss, just hold hands while some music goes on about “waiting for wedding bells”. I'm leaning more and more towards this being a church sponsored film.
After a full afternoon and evening (it was afternoon to start and now it's pitch black outside), Aurelius says he's got some notes for class back at his house and asks if Chloe wants to go back to get them. They get back there and, while looking for the bathroom, she finds the case the bloodmobile driver dropped off. Moral confliction ensues. Nothing else happens as Aurelius drives her back home, but then she starts to think about it and start to suspect he (duh duh duh!) might be a vampire! There's... there's really not a lot of reason for this other than it kinda needs to happen for the movie to go anywhere. Some even more ridiculous Twilight-inspired high school dialogue later, he fesses up to being a vampire and she swoons because he “chose to share his secret with her”. I don't know if there's enough booze left in the world for me to be able to sit through much more of this.
Also, I'm now fully on board with this being a church sponsored movie. Aurelius claims to be over 2,000 years old and the first question Chloe asks is if he knew Jesus. The answer, of course, being that he “heard him speak a few times. He was a great man.” Chloe, jealous of Aurelius having seen Jesus, goes on to bubble about all the amazing things he must have seen. Aurelius agrees, but says he's seen a lot of terrible things too but that Chloe is one of the good things. You know, for a high school (or, as it turns out they're in college I guess) kid, bringing the extra flowers for the mom and this “I've seen a lot of terrible things in my life, but you, [random hot girl I want to hook up with], you're one of the good things” bit are pretty smooth. But that's a relative scale. You're supposed to be 2,000 years old. Come on, man, step up your game a bit.
Oh hey, remember that random blood test Chloe was in for a while back? Turns out she's got AIDS. Well, at the moment only HIV, but as the doctor in the next scene is telling her, it's getting closer to being full blown AIDS and none of the drugs they've put her on seem to be working. That's a bit of a downer, actually. Not really any jokes to make here (although points to those that caught the reference).
Chloe then lies to both Aurelius and her roommate (remember, they're in college I guess, so instead of staying at home with her family she's living in the dorms because money is no object... I guess) about what was wrong with her. It's probably 'cause I've got a dirty mind, but when Chloe's roommate talks about how weird it was not having Chloe in the room all week and that she “missed her”, I heard some lesbian undertones to it (note: there's been nothing so far in the movie to indicate this, and pretty much everything to indicate against it, but remember the random lesbians in Return To House On Haunted Hill so you never know). I also hate to keep harping on it, but these people really cannot act. The dialogue is bad enough as it is, but when it's delivered so flatly... more booze.
Still only about halfway through the movie and I'm about ready to shut it off this writing is so bad. Some of the worst so far has lead up to the “big moment” where Aurelius and Chloe kiss. But only for like half a second, we don't want to be obscene or anything. It's also pretty bad when the best dialogue in the movie is people playing students forced to perform as actors reciting lines from Dracula. Seriously, the only time any of this seems the least bit genuine is when they're acting like they can't act. And I'm fairly sure it's not an act.
Later, Aurelius and Chloe are hanging out and, even though she's apparently been getting worse, she still lies to him and says there's nothing wrong with her. To recap: she doesn't tell her immortal vampire boyfriend who is trying to find cures for blood diseases that she's got AIDS. Boiled down even further: she doesn't tell her boyfriend that she's got AIDS. Take a few seconds and think about that. And there isn't an “oh, we just met, I'm not comfortable saying something so personal” excuse here, they started Dracula at the start of the semester and were told they'd be reading it and then performing it at the end. The last scene was them during rehearsals and, sad is it is to say, they were sounding a lot better than when they started reading it. This is months later. She still hasn't told anyone. That's not cool.
Chloe's condition has gotten worse. That's a summary of 8 minutes of film. That and Aurelius is using his vampire powers to play ping pong with himself. That is all that happens. Oh, I forgot to mention, Chloe's brother overheard her say that Aurelius was a vampire. Days later he's just now telling their parents. They even manage to do this in the most boring way possible to the point where I forgot about it till just now. 20 minutes left.
Chloe's dad goes to confront her about finding out Aurelius is a vampire. Even in the context of this being a vampire movie this is just dumb. And poorly written. And dumb. And poorly acted. And really, really, dumb. For some reason, this is “very important” to her dad and he's already 100% on board with the idea of there being vampires and that one of them is dating his daughter even though the only evidence he has is that his like 10 year old son says he overheard Chloe saying Aurelius was a vampire even though they're doing a play version of Dracula. He's picked a weird time and way to become super over-protective of his daughter. After getting half-assed confirmation that he's a vampire, her dad says he's going to “do what needs to be done”. Ugh. It's also worth noting after this that Chloe goes home and picks up a handgun before going to try and find Aurelius. Think about that. She's taking a gun to a fight between an immortal vampire and her father. That's pretty much premeditated murder of her dad right there. We're at least in the range of attempted murder since she actually hasn't done it yet, I guess.
I'm now less sold on this being church sponsored. Chloe's dad has Aurelius tied to a stake and ready to burn with a bunch of others standing around with him as he preaches about how evil vampires are because of how holy blood is. It's tragically funny how halfhearted the “burn him!” from the crowd was. Monty Python had better acting. Also, Chloe shows up and threatens to shoot them if they don't stop (yes, she actually says “stop or I'll shoot”). It's also only at this point, with her family in a murderous rage, her boyfriend tied to a stake, and various other strangers gathered around while she holds them at gun point that she decides to tell people she has AIDS. In a ridiculously long speech. Where she compares being a vampire to having a disease like cancer. Then she shoots a guy in the arm for no apparent reason other than to prove she's “not playing around”.
After they “escape” by just walking away, Chloe and Aurelius are back at his place. She says the reason she didn't tell him she had AIDS was because she “didn't want him to think less of her”. Really? Is this the 80s or something? Also, turns out she got AIDS because she was helping in Africa on one of her missionary trips. There's a bit more to the explanation than that (not very much), but the response from Aurelius is “you don't deserve this. You were just trying to help people in desperate need and this is what happens to you? This makes me so angry.” It's never a good sign if an actor has to actually say how they're supposed to be feeling rather than, you know, actually having the ability to change the tone of their voice and maybe convey a bit of emotion.
Now, of course, she asks if she would “be healthy again” if he bit her and turned her into a vampire. He says yes, she'd be immortal like him... only to have the thunder from the storm outside crack at that exact moment. That's a bit over the top even for this movie. She still wants it, though. He tries to convince her not to because vampires are all tragic and pained and that bullshit now. She says she could handle all of that pain, so long as she was with him (awwwww *puke*). He still says no so I guess she's more involved in this relationship than he is. Burn on her.
Last 8 minutes (including credits) of the movie and we're treated to a performance of their play. Gee, I wonder if Aurelius, playing Dracula, is going to actually bite Chloe, playing Mina, in their scene? Before that, though, just as a side note, despite how terrible all of these people are at acting, at least the guy they have playing Van Helsing is playing it up. Trying for an accent and speaking his lines theatrically and all. Good for him. So yeah, in case you forgot what Chloe wanted Aurelius to do two minutes ago, you get to see her remind him about it right before the scene where he bites her in the play. God this movie is terrible. So yeah, obviously he bites her. The end.
Oh my god. One of the credits says “based on a novel”. Are you fucking kidding me? No redeeming features about this at all.
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