The Fear Chamber

      Clearly pressing the definition of “borderline alcoholic”, I'm back once again for another review. This time going back to our old unfinished Midnight Horror Collection Volume 8 to bring “The Fear Chamber” to the light of day. As they used to say on Chappelle's Show: let's start the show.
      Right off the bat we're greeted with a woman crying for help as we pan around a room (no doubt the “fear chamber” the title referred to) full of surgical instruments and the grimy looking assorted other tools to make you realize this isn't an Obamacare approved facility... although maybe it is from a Republican point of view. The point is, I'm Canadian so the whole debate about socialized medicine seems silly to me. Hey look, tits! The chick is strapped down to an operating table with a sheet over top of her with a hole specifically cut in order to show off her boobs. That's not gratuitous at all... although I shouldn't really say anything given the last review on this blog was Bloody Mary 3D.
      Anyway, the “doctor” says something crazy to her as she's begging for her life and we cut to a quick shot of Action Cop busting through a door with his gun drawn ready to leap in and save the day. Seeing as there's about 80 minutes left, I don't think he's going to make it. He does not. We are treated to a bunch of scenes of the Doctor cutting into the one chick while Action Cop prowls around the building and finds a different girl tied up. He leaves her tied up because why wouldn't he? After that the Doctor is seen taking some pictures with an old Polaroid of the girl he just killed. Come on man, get with the times. Film is dead, convert to digital if you ever want to be taken seriously.
      Action Cop busts in, the Doctor gets away to the roof, Action Cop follows him, there's a struggle, and Action Cop gets stabbed with a scalpel just before the opening credits. This is followed by Action Cop waking up in the hospital because, if there's one thing we know about serial killers, it's that they always leave behind the cop that's almost caught them so he can come back... with a vengeance!
      A cute blonde nurse comes in and tells Action to not put stress on his heart which immediately leads to a flashback/dream of the Doctor abducting some other blonde girl. I was almost expecting the “stress on his heart” to come from the nurse... but then I remembered this was a different kind of movie and seems to at least be trying not to suck.
      A guy that looks like the thin version of every black captain in any cop movie you could think of comes to visit and starts asking questions about what Action Cop (real name “Nick”) saw. He then goes on to put stress on Nick's heart by saying how the Doctor is going to “set up shop and start killing again” and the standard “we need you back on the force” type stuff. Then we see the Doctor abducting someone and Nick now at home listening to the radio about the Iraq war (so I guess the Obamacare joke was out of place) and hearing that this new girl has been kidnapped. He goes to bed and wakes up to the sounds of somebody in the shower. This is confusing as he lives alone and becomes even more perplexing when he goes in to investigate and finds severed arms and legs floating in a bath (you'll note that the shower was running rather than the bath but whatever). A jump scare later, he wakes up. Another jump scare later, he really wakes up. Some pills and a creepy phone call and he's out the door and off to work as a police officer where carries a gun despite his hallucinations and heart problems. Sounds like a good start to the day.
      That good start gets better when he tells his captain that he's having visions of the girls the Doctor is abducting (even describing the latest one before looking at the file). In real life I'd hope that something like this would lead to Nick being taken off duty again pending some sort of psych test, but in this case it just leads to the captain saying “okay, you're pulling my dick, right? 'cause this makes no sense”. That line makes me laugh and I'm going to nominate it for line of the movie. Also, he doesn't take Nick off the case and instead over rules Nick's own objections in order to keep him working on it.
      Nick goes out to a bar that night (always good to mix pills, stress, and booze) and meets up with a guy I assume is his partner or at least a friend or something. Whoever he is, he can't act worth shit. So far the movie hasn't been terrible in that regard (not great, but nowhere near as bad as most others on this blog), but this guy is fucking awful. He thankfully leaves and some chick immediately comes up and takes the bar stool next to Nick. I wish it were that easy in real life. She seems cool to Nick at first, but she's in a bar with a bunch of newspaper clippings about the killings and then starts talking about how Nick can see the girls before they're killed so I think it's safe to say she's interested. Oh good, Catherine (the girl), is a psychic. This is promising in a totally going to be able to get a conviction based on it kind of way. Some mumbo-jumbo about Nick using his gift to help solve the case and I can't pay attention to what she's saying because I've just noticed how absurdly long her neck looks when the camera is on her. Seriously, it seems like it's twice the length of her head.
      The next day, Nick calls in saying he wants in on the investigation (I thought he already was?) and the captain now acts like he doesn't want him (didn't the exact opposite of this just happen yesterday?). The captain gets another semi-badass line, but it's not as good or as funny as his last one so it's not important and he decides to let Nick in on the case.
      Nick goes to see the coroner who gives him some low-rent CSI-style description of his findings, and then Nick finds something the coroner missed: bone saw marks on the remains which I guess means the Doctor (I'm going to start calling him “the Killer” from now on) is harvesting organs. That's enough work for one day, Nick goes home, falls asleep with a drink in his hand on the couch (we've all been there), and has another jump scare vision. All in a days work.
      The next day Nick is at a psychiatrist's office and he seems rather confrontational about it. Also, I guess Nick's wife was killed. He talks about this for a second, then goes on about the visions he's seeing. Oddly enough, the psychiatrist seems to think it's a bad idea to combine drinking and the pills he's on and thinks that might have something to do with why he's seeing things. Nick, respectfully (not really respectfully), disagrees with her diagnosis and walks out. He proceeds to drink, mix pills, and see things.
      After a quick confrontation with his captain, Nick and Catherine the psychic go to some warehouse/garage to snoop around. Psychic visions must have led them there since Nick doesn't know what they're looking for, but he ends up finding a dead body so I guess go psychic visions! Then there's a confrontation with Catherine about how she knew about the body and she says something about being connected to the case just like Nick and then starts talking about Nick's dead wife but I'm not really paying attention this time because I'm focusing on how this time around her neck looks perfectly normal but her face looks all plastic. I think this girl might be some sort of alien shape-shifter who always has to leave one weird facial feature not not quite right when she tries to take human form and I'm only about 80% sure that theory is the booze talking.
      The captain and Nick have a minor confrontation about Nick's methods of finding the last body and how the hell the press found out about it so quickly and all that standard cop movie stuff. You know what's not standard, though? The keyboard the captain has sitting on his desk. Not a computer keyboard, mind you, I mean a musical instrument keyboard. Just sitting there. Taking up a quarter of the desk. Not even addressed by the characters as if this is just a regular thing. This captain is the best. Also, I guess trying to match the bone saw based on the marks on the bones was a dead end but whatever, random keyboard wins the scene.
      More dreams/visions from Nick At Home (sounds like a do-it-yourself building show, doesn't it?), and this time we're treated to his dead wife naked in the shower. First just naked and hot, then naked but with a bunch of blood all over half her face from some head wound so you kinda feel dirty for staring at her tits. Catherine the psychic gets a voice-over saying something about how souls that die before their time are trapped on Earth until their business is settled or something. Then, over the phone for real this time, she tells Nick that girls in her visions have called the Killer “Teddy” so he goes to his friend from the bar scene (who is a cop but not his partner, I guess) to look up doctors named “Ted” or “Teddy” with malpractice suits against them. Some genuine police work follows as Nick goes investigating... and follows that with some genuine police brutality as he assaults one of the suspects trying to figure out if he's the guy. He's not and I guess the guy just lets being pinned against the wall and threatened by a cop slide as Nick is next seen hours later investigating (re: breaking in through the garage) the house of somebody else on his list.
      No one seems to be home so Nick wanders about and finds some creepy shit. Then the Killer reveals himself and attacks Nick. Nick has a clear shot at him, but heart trouble prevent him from taking the shot and the Killer opens an oxygen canister so that any shot would ignite the room or whatever, then taunts Nick about his wife's death (the details of which are apparently public knowledge to everyone which seems a bit odd even if it was ten years ago), and finally just walks out the door. Nick follows, but too late to catch him even though it was literally two seconds later. Also, Nick doesn't bother chasing him since the law in L.A. states that once someone leaves the room and are out of your line of sight, they've escaped and you're not allowed to follow them. This, by the way, may not be the actual law.
      The captain is getting heat from the chief about this now and he's got “twins about to go away to college and two other mouths to feed” so he'll be damned if he gets fucked because of this. Now we get a recap of how Nick is a bit of a loose cannon dating back to after his wife's death and how the captain has gone to bat for him time and again, but no more, dammit! He literally tells him he's taking him off the case and asks for his badge and gun since he's been ordered to suspend Nick. I'm not sure if this is awesome or terrible storytelling, but the clichés are flying and the stakes have never been higher!
      Nick At Home in the shower hears a noise in the kitchen and comes out to find all the cupboard doors open and the water running. Also, Catherine the psychic is there to “surprise him”. Wait, why does she have a key to his place? Your guess is as good as mine at this point. Turns out the door was open but, you know, still... seems like a bad idea to just walk into the house of a cop who's mixing pills and booze and was unstable before he started having “visions” and was suspended from the force.
      She tells him he can't quit on the case or the voices in his head will never leave him alone. This time it's her eyes that seem a bit off for some reason.
      The coroner is now bringing Nick briefcase full of evidence off the record because why not? This leads to the revelation that the Killer has at least 20 victims and has been doing this for years. He then fucks off and we get a vision of the Killer and some random extra-ditzy blonde having drinks on a bed and her getting wrapped up abduction-style. Nick wakes up from this, turns off the TV, has a drink, and unplugs the TV 'cause (wouldn't you know it?) the damn thing turned back on. The booze and hallucinations continue as he hears noises and figures the best way to answer that is to go around waving Dirty Harry's gun at the outside world as he checks out every window. This does not help him when he gets to the kitchen and the Killer cold-cocks him while wearing clown make-up and medical scrubs. He's like the psycho Patch Adams... I assume since I never actually saw Patch Adams. Oh, and I guess it's not “clown make-up” so much as it is kabuki make-up. My apologies, I didn't see it clearly the first time.
      After Nick gets knocked out, we skip ahead to another surgical room with Nick tied up in a chair and a random girl strapped to a gurney (this time with her tits covered because she's going to be on screen for more than ten seconds unlike that first girl) about to be sliced up by Doctor Kabuki Killer.
      Side Note: you see this a lot in movies or TV shows like this where the bad guy just magically transports the knocked out hero to their evil lair but have you ever tried to carry a body anywhere? Even if it were just from Nick's kitchen out to a van on the street that'd be a long ass heavy carry for one guy. Not to mention the neighbors seeing you dragging the body out with you. Plus getting him inside the lair and all tied up and positioned and everything... I don't know, the point I'm getting at is there's a serious flaw in all these movies in that it'd take a hell of a lot of time to get all of this set up and you'd be exposing yourself to a hell of a lot of potential witnesses while you were doing it. Back to the movie, though.
      Doctor Kabuki Killer does a bit of crazy monologueing and then goes to work taking the teeth out of the blonde who, for some reason, goes completely quiet after he takes the first tooth out. Some more crazy and then he goes back to slicing open the girl while justifying it in that he's harvesting organs and giving them to away to a bunch of people so he's taking a few lives to save a bunch more. Eat that logic Spock and/or Kirk depending on whether you watched the 1982 or 2013 version of Star Trek 2 (seriously, the newest one: basically just Star Trek 2 and Star Trek 3 combined with the Kirk and Spock roles reversed).
      Now Cop Who Can't Act and The Captain are getting concerned about Nick not answering. It's brushed aside along the way of the other cop “having a lead” on a guy that supposedly knew the Killer back in med school. Obviously that was just the Killer trying to bring him into the trap as well and he tells Nick as much before duct taping Nick's mouth shut and going off to dispose of the body of the girl. I guess he only wanted two teeth and a bit of liver rather than, you know, using all the available organs to save as many people as possible. This guy is not very good at following his own philosophy.
      Cop Who Can't Act finds Nick and tries to untie him but Killer stabs him with a meat hook. His death scene is tragic for all the wrong reasons.
      Now Nick is on the table about to be cut up. All of a sudden, though, crazy shit starts happening. Lights flicker, things in jars start to bubble, noises are heard, wind happens, all sorts of supernatural shit is going down. Nick frees himself and shoots Killer with the gun from his last Nick At Home scene that just happened to be lying around. He then calls up The Captain and calls in back-up saying he's got Killer. Everything seems to be wrapped up nicely (as long as you excuse the “random supernatural shit happens and the good guy wins!” ending), but there's still 12 minutes left and that seems a bit long for credits so I'm betting twist ending.
      Oh hey, twist ending. I guess this is as good a time as any to point out that Nick had a heart transplant after his first encounter with Killer. That's why everyone was telling him not to put stress on his heart and all that. Not sure if I said it or just implied it, but either way that was the case. And it turns out Killer had meticulously kept records for the organs he harvested, even going up to who they went to after he sold them. Guess whose heart Nick ended up with? If you guessed Catherine the psychic you would be right and you would be as ready to call bullshit on this whole twist ending as I am. Fuck this noise.
      On the total, though, this wasn't too bad of a movie until the ending. It's good quality film-wise and, aside from the one guy, well enough acted, plus the story isn't terrible (again, aside from the ending), and The Captain is a pretty awesome character. I'm actually willing to give this one a pass considering some of the crap I've reviewed on here (Zombie Christ is coming, I swear to God). This probably punts The Legend Of Sorrow Creek down to second for best movie on this 8-pack collection but only just barely after that ending.
      Seriously, fuck that noise.

Bloody Mary "3D"

      Okay, back once more to review another terrible movie you've probably never heard of, have no interest in ever seeing, and that likely no one will ever read about. This whole concept was flawed from the beginning is kinda what I'm getting at. Anyway, up on the block tonight is “Bloody Mary”. Upon closer inspection, this was originally supposed to be “Bloody Mary 3D” but Netflix (and my TV) don't take kindly to 3D so there'll be none of that. Still, I'm betting there'll be a bunch of stuff shot unnecessarally like it's supposed to be in 3D that's just going to look silly now. Bring on the liquor!
      We start off in 1904 L.A. and after a quick shot of a house that loos suspiciously like it's a lot newer than that, we cut to... two chicks stripping and getting into bed together. Holy crap, when I said “bring on the liquor” I didn't expect that to be taken literally (it's a pun; get it?). Seriously, this is starting to look more like a porn than a real movie. I'm also kinda regretting not having 3D for this part since this has literally become a softcore lesbian porn scene with the blonde going down on the red head (my money on the red head being Bloody Mary). An odd thing to bring up, and I'm definitely not complaining, but even though my knowledge of pubic hair styles from the early 20^th century is a bit lacking, I'm guessing the girls probably shouldn't be so completely and smoothly shaven. But that's a minor detail, carry on ladies, this cinematic masterpiece is barely three minutes in.
      The music (which was pornerific enough for the bedroom) suddenly changes and we see some guy coming up to the house and taking a bottle of booze out of the mailbox. Shit is likely about to get several kinds of real, but more importantly: they delivered booze through the mail back then? Between that and the doctor prescribed cocaine, how are we any better off a hundred years later?
      Back to the girls hooking up but now the music stays ominous and the scene gets inter-cut with the guy in the kitchen making a sandwich. Take that sexism! He hears the two of them having sex and ends up slicing the blonde up with a carving knife which he'd been using to put mustard on his sandwich. A couple things about this: first and most obviously, that seems like the completely wrong reaction to coming home to find two hot girls naked in your bed. Married to the red head (she is Mary, by the way) or not, if you're going to be sticking something into them, my vote would not be for the knife. Secondly, that seems like a pretty impractical knife to be making a sandwich with in the first place. I know it's “1904” but smaller knife technology had to have been invented by now.
      I take back the porn comment; this acting is way the hell worse. Also, you'd think since she was supposed to be stabbed, they could have at least put some stab wound make-up on Mary's body while she was supposed to be lying there dying of terminal inability to emote. Now that she's cursed the guy and his family, we get some opening credits and guess what? Ron Jeremy's in this! This was made a good dozen years after Boondock Saints so I'm sure he's grown as an actor in that time and this is in no way an indication that I actually am accidentally watching pron and writing about it.
      A smog filled skyline and a tag saying we're in the present day and still in L.A. follow the credits and we see two girls walking up to what looks like an abandoned building. They are also built like porn stars but don't have the looks to match the girls from the first scene. Which I guess was maybe the point (?) since, through some convenient plot dialogue, it turns out their just wannabe groupies for Matt Elias (the family name of the guy that went all stabby in the first scene) and are sneaking into this place to try and force their way into his video. There seems to be a bit of flawed logic there, but whatever, I don't pretend to understand how the groupie mind works.
      They do some fawning over the guitars and then scare themselves looking into a mirror. One of them starts talking about the curse of Mary Worth and we get to watch the entire first scene over again... although only starting at the stabbing part because why would anyone want to watch a gratuitous lesbian scene over again when they can watch a poorly acted murder scene over again? Anyway, now the two girls decide to test the whole “Bloody Mary in front of a mirror” bit. Seeing as they scared themselves a few seconds ago just seeing their own reflections in a mirror, this seems like it'd result in some screaming even if they weren't in a horror movie. Sorry, a 3D horror movie. The 3D part was supposed to come in when Mary shows up and reaches out of the mirror towards the camera and drags one of the girls into her, comically ripping off her head before coming after the other one. She's still totally naked and covered in blood so they've got the continuity going. Although physics seems to be less of a strong point as the second girl is killed and then hung from a coat rack. Much like the movie decides to, let's just move on and forget about how stupid that is.
      Some more random shots of L.A. so they have time for some DJ to talk about this Matt Elias guy for a while. And now they're playing the douche's entire song with him “dancing” (?) around with some crappy video effects thrown in. This song sucks. And it just keeps going. The movie isn't even a full hour and a half long and they've spent the first 20+ minutes with a lesbian porn scene and some a douchey auto-tuned music video with like a five minute horror break in between. Another thing: why were there even guitars on the stage? There wasn't anything even approaching a musical instrument in that entire song. It'd be like having Justin Bieber or Justin Timberlake or some other crappy pop star trying to pretend their real musicians by having a guitar around. Wait, has that actually happened? I honestly don't know. Maybe somebody really has tried to do this and the movie is trying to make fun of them for it? I'm grasping at straws here trying to justify it since the movie started out so promising.
      Some new random girl is on the phone talking to her mom who seems displeased that her daughter is “still doing that” for work (all that's been said is she “has a shoot” this afternoon). Are we back to the porn angle again? Probably just the new music video for Elias, but with the random jumps between scenes so far in this movie, you never know.
      She ends the phone all and we switch over to a couple other people (some random white dude and a black chick) showing up to the same building as before and talking about getting set up for the video shoot. Then some bald guy acting like an asshole shows up with another porn-looking girl to bitch about the setting for the video even though apparently he's the one that put up the money for it and this is all they could afford. The stoner director of the video shows up (named Weed, imagine that) and the bunch of them go inside to get set up. The blonde from the phone call is nowhere to be seen.
      Some fat security guard tries to give guff about baldy's pornstar girlfriend not being on the list, but she gets let in anyway. Next a guy with drumsticks shows up so maybe there is a band involved with Elias? Probably just ghost fodder. After that the man, the myth, the douche himself shows up and he's having an argument with his girlfriend about him cheating on her the night before (his excuse being “so what? You weren't there” and “I didn't cheat on you, it was just a blowjob”).
      Hey look everybody, it's Ron Jeremy! He's the building manager, I guess, and he's showing the crew around. Seems a bit odd he didn't see the two dead girls if he was showing people around and all. It's kinda sad but Ron Jeremy really is the best actor so far. Good for him. Oh, the blonde finally shows up so I guess she wasn't just an extra scene with no relation to the rest of the movie. Good for her too... I guess.
      Elias is in his dressing room now and imagine who you see in the mirror? Only this time Mary's wearing a dress and not so interested in killing so much as just talking to the guy, focusing on one of the necklaces he's wearing (the same one the first guy ripped off her at the start), and the disappearing into thin air as soon as he looks away from her. Look at all that suspense being built. Just look at it.
      Weed's gone off to get high in some back room. Obviously, there's a mirror in it and Mary shows up again. Again she's wearing a dress so I'm guessing that means there'll be more talking and less killing for the second time. And I'm right. Now she's trying to get Weed to let her be in the video by seducing him. Doesn't take much 'cause she is pretty hot, I'll give her that much.
      Now Mary's naked again. In the back of a mirror that Elias is looking into. He turns around and she disappears again, though. This time while he's looking at her. That seems... less plausible then the last time, but I guess big time rock star there is going to just shrug it off as an effect of whatever drugs he's supposed to be on. Still, no killing. You think they could at least keep it consistent with the “nudity = death, no nudity = no death” thing but that's obviously asking too much.
      Ron Jeremy's back! He's acting like a sympathetic bartender (even bringing her a beer) to Elias' girlfriend. Then the drummer makes a joke about how everybody knows Ron Jeremy's character “being a pretty big dick” to the black girl (she's running the shoot or at least trying to organize it, I guess) when she comes looking for him. It's funny 'cause he's Ron Jeremy and it's sad 'cause this is as funny as this movie gets. And that's it for that scene. No follow up, no reason for it at all, just that's it and back to Elias “dancing” (?) around and his crappy auto-tuned, non-band aided song playing.
      Now they're finally about to start filming the video, but the power goes out. There's some more arguing and Elias decides he and his girlfriend are going to go off to get something to eat since it'll take “10 to 15 minutes” to get the lights back on. So they split off, and Ron Jeremy splits off to go try to fix things with baldy and the black girl going off on their own as well. Finally we're getting into classic horror movie shit.
      Oh hey, that “10 to 15 minutes” took exactly as long as it took Ron Jeremy to waddle down some stairs and flip a switch. And nobody got killed during. This thing really isn't doing horror movies right at all. Mary is wandering down the hall with ominous music playing now, though, so maybe something will happen? It's hard to gauge since the “nudity = death” bit was ruined. Also, for no particular reason, she's now got underwear on but is still topless. What weird kind of naked ghost rules is she following? Obviously she can choose when she wants to show up fully naked and covered in blood and when she wants to show up without blood and fully dressed, so why the sudden halfway of no blood and underwear? I don't understand vengeful lesbian spirits at all.
      Ron Jeremy is now playing an electric guitar without it being plugged in. He breaks a string on it, decides the hell with that, pulls out a harmonica, and decides he'll be a rock star by way of playing that. I'll say it again: Ron Jeremy is the most talented person associated with this movie. Mary's lying on a bunk or shelf or something right above him while he's doing this (fully clothed again so that just makes the topless hallway walk even more confusing), and comes down to talk to him. She also decides to take the broken guitar string and strangle him with it. That's not cool, his harmonica playing was better music than the music video they're supposed to be trying to make. Anyway, he's dead now and the “nudity = death” thing is straight out the window since she did it fully dressed. This movie is suffering from thematic problems.
      Elias and his girlfriend are sitting in his car eating and arguing. He makes some more douche-tastic arguments about how it's not his fault he was cheating on her and tells her she's “got no one to blame but herself” for him getting blown by somebody else. I really don't think there's anyone in the world who could say that and actually have it work for them. Unsurprisingly, she storms off.
      Baldy's pornstar girlfriend is now off on her own fixing her make-up. The camera work in this scene is hilarious. All it is is shots of her hips, ass, and boobs inter-cut every once in a while with a quick shot of her face. It's like they were trying to show off her porn bits but forgot she was still wearing a dress. The fat security guard busts in because he “thought the door was stuck” and then stands there learing at her for a while. And that's it for this scene. I'm starting to think that if they cut all the scenes that had nothing to do with anything they'd end up with only like 20 minutes worth of movie.
      Now some more tension as it turns out Elias is dropping baldy as a producer for his next album. Baldy does the whole “I made you! Before you met me you were nothing!” speech, and Elias tells him that he's now “the next big thing” and that his second album is going to be “the most anticipated album of the decade”. Also, the girlfriend has apparently decided that yeah, it was her fault Elias was going to groupies for blowjobs the night before because she's back with him and is actually the one that first shoots baldy down with his plans for the future. I guess the hell with continuity at this point as well as plot and “believability”.
      Baldy wanders off and does some sort of evil villain monologue to no one in particular, and then Mary shows up dressed as a naughty schoolgirl. I think they did this to try and distract people from how unbearably bad the dialogue is in this scene where she tries to seduce baldy into helping her get the necklace back... but it still makes no sense and let's be honest, no one watching this movie cares about how retarded the dialogue is by this point. Just to exemplify how shitty the writing is, for like the fifth time since she was introduced to all of the characters by her name, Mary has to tell one of them individually that her name is Mary (she even says “Bloody Mary” at this point). At this point I'm hoping she kills them all just based on how stupid they are.
      After a couple more useless scenes, Elias is in an argument with Weed about Elias taking off his Mr. T level of necklaces for a shot in the video. Elias is against it because, and I quote: “this is part of my whole look. Like my clothes, my hair, and my music.” Notice how the music is at the end of the list? With all settings at maximum douche, Elias storms off (snapping his fingers for his girlfriend to follow) and bitches some more about how it seems like the universe isn't revolving around him as much as he'd like. The girlfriend seems to have totally forgiven him at this point since she decides to start blowing him in the dressing room. The power of being a “rock” star, huh? Unfortunately (or fortunately since there's only 26 minutes left) Mary decides to show up all naked and bloody while she's blowing him. Elias thinks nothing of it for a second... then freaks out when it looks like she's the one blowing him. No killing, though. And now baldy bursts in to convince Elias to go along with taking off the necklaces and he finally agrees. Oh, and Ron Jeremy is found dead by the cameraman and a fully clothed Mary stabs him for it. Seem like that was a quick jump between subjects in the middle of a paragraph? That's what watching the different scenes of this movie back to back is like.
      Baldy's holding onto the necklaces so Mary shows up and tells him to bring “big tits” (in this case she means his pornstar girlfriend instead of... well, basically any other girl in the movie) and meet her in the bathroom. They get there, he calls for Bloody Mary, and then Bloody Mary shows up and... runs her hands across the other girl's cleavage? Producing blood somehow? Seriously, that's what happens. No attempts at making it look like there are cuts nor any attempt to explain why grabbing someone's boobs from behind would produce blood in the first place, just random boob grabbing, some blood, some screaming, and then more blood than would be physically possible running down the other girl's legs as Mary stands behind her fondling the other girl's boobs. And I'm not joking about that, either. The rest of this “death” scene is Mary squeezing and playing with the other girl's boobs from behind while baldy stands there trying to act scared while watching one girl play with another's tits. This actually qualifies as good acting because, let's be honest, “scared” is not the emotion you're going to feel while watching something like that.
      The cameraman's absence is finally noticed... and brushed off. More arguing and finally the blonde (remember her? From that one scene where she was on the phone? Yeah, she's still around) decides to help out with the lights. While this is going on Mary goes to baldy to get her necklace back and, for no reason I can think of, it's revealed that she can't actually take the necklace, somebody has to give it to her. Baldy is also strangely calm talking to her considering he just saw her tit massage his girlfriend to death.
      More topless walking down the hallway for Mary, this time with a clever in her hand too. Then, for no reason, she's sitting on the back of a pick-up truck when Elias' girlfriend shows up muttering about something and decides to take off her shirt. She's just changing into a different one and is still wearing a bra, though, so with only 14 minutes left I guess they weren't planning on bookending the movie with another lesbian scene. They talk about something, but it's hard to say what since whatever budget they had must have been spent on paying Mary to be naked 'cause the sound is crap in this scene. So yeah, for no reason Elias' girlfriend suddenly changes her mind about Mary and goes from being a bitch towards her to being best friends... until she puts the pieces together that this is Bloody Mary, at which point Mary (in a very short skirt) pushes her back down into the bed of the truck and mounts her. Still no bookend scene, just some of that 3D magic I'm missing out on and a ridiculous shot of the girlfriend's boobs bouncing around as she pretends to either be stabbed or have her throat slit. It's hard to tell which since literally all you see is the front of her shirt and her elbows awkwardly flailing around. Oh, and then suddenly her head is cut off so I guess we're going with that's what happened rather than her being stabbed. The the fat security guard shows up and gets killed. Mary fondles her own boobs as he's dying just to mock him. Then she kills the drummer who was still in the movie even though no one has seen him in forever and he wasn't around when they were trying to shoot the music video.
      Suddenly other people are starting to put shit together about Mary and notice that there isn't really anybody left. Terrible acting ensues. Mary shows up in a bra, skirt, and corset because fuck it at this point. The black chick dies with a thrown cleaver to the back. Everyone that's left (Weed, Elias, blonde, and baldy) decide to run. Blonde gets a knife thrown into her back, but apparently doesn't die so easily and it turns out a closed door is enough to stop Bloody Mary from getting to them because fuck logic. The decision is made to pull the knife out of blonde's back (a bad idea, fyi), Elias decides to take off his shirt to “help” cover up the knife wound because why should Mary be the only one that gets partially naked, right ladies? Also, it turns out a closed door will not stop bloody Mary, as she appears in the mirror and kills baldy and stabs Elias. Who throws the necklace through the mirror (? Why not?) and Weed follows that up by kicking and breaking the mirror after Mary goes back through it to get the necklace. This is apparently the end as now we're treated to every scene of Mary killing somebody or being naked replayed while a voice over tells you (again) about the legend of Bloody Mary. Also, Elias who was perfectly fine (save for the knife in the gut) right before this, is now dead on the floor leaving only Weed and blondie surviving. And they just sort of walk out and call it a day.
      Then the DJ from before talks about “rising rocker” (I don't think they know what that word means) Matt Elias' death. Then they play the same crap-ass song of his again as the credits roll (the part I find funny in this is the blonde whose whole part was going down on Mary in the first scene gets the first credits with a picture to go along with it and it's just her smiling at the camera like she really enjoys her role in the movie (although, truth be told, I'd enjoy her role so I shouldn't judge). For some reason I find that funny). I really think they just made this as some sort of porn/music video hybrid and were assuming this crappy song would become a hit.
      Fun fact: the girl that played Bloody Mary (Veronica Ricci) actually was in porn where she did (according to her IMDB profile) “mostly girl-girl and bondage scenes” and has graduated from university with a degree in both psychology and business while also being a certified massage therapist. I really have no joke for that. I just honestly would like to hang out with this girl as there are very few people I know in my regular life who could possibly be as interesting to talk to as that.

Where I Review Four Asian Movies (Two Or More Of Which Are Better Than This Blog)

So I go and say this is going to be just a “monthly” blog and miss three months. Fantastic. Way to go, Will, you really know how to play to a (lack of) audience. Anyway, like the title says, I watch them with so I don't have time to type out all this shit. Either way, here's a quick review of FOUR movies (that covers the months missed and this one):

THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR (1 & 2):

     This counts as reviewing two movies because I said so. Also, they actually are two movies... even though the second one is kinda really dependent on the first. Whatever. Not a lot bad to say about these. They're pretty much non-stop “bullshit! That can't happen!” movies, but they were made in the early 90s. That was a time when we believed Due South was awesome (P.S.: it still kinda is).

     The best way to sum these movies up is: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” – the special effects budget + some actual action = a pretty decent (pair of) movie(s) that people should look into. Seriously, for all the Ang Lee dick sucking that was done over “Flying Tiger, Hidden Piece-Of-Crap-Movie”, these two are so much better. First off, they don't pretend to be set in the real world so they don't even bother trying to reconcile people flying with physics because fuck physics. Secondly, given the leap in technology between 93 (BWWH1) and 2000 (CTHD), I've gotta give the edge to Bride With White Hair for effects because it does it's best “try to be The Matrix” before that was even a thing. AND IT WAS WITH EARLY 90S TECHNOLOGY! So yeah, good-ish movies that people should look into.

STRIPTEASE SAMURAI SQUAD

     I can think of two things wrong with this three word title. First off: There's not really any “striptease” per se. There are a couple chicks that have a “fighting style” which dominates all others and it involves them just opening their kimonos enough to show their boobs and then fighting. Seriously, that's it. “You want to fight? Let me show you my boobs first, it's my fighting style, after all.” And that's it for “striptease” in this movie.

     Remember I said there were two chicks that did this? Guess what? Despite the word “squad” being in the title, those two are neither part of/all of a squad, nor do they even fight on the same side. They are in fact the protagonist and the antagonist and never join forces for anything or form any type of squad. The rest of the cast is made up of wannabe Seven Samurai extras and the plot plays out exactly like that... except apparently showing their boobs and being “trained” in that “fighting style” allows the two girls to shoot lasers out of their tits. That is neither a misprint nor a metaphor. They shoot lasers out of their nipples. Low budget, terrible, lasers.

     Despite all that, this movie is pretty much what you'd expect given the title... UNTIL YOU START TO THINK ABOUT IT! Let me explain:

     One of the first scenes is the heroine talking with her grandmother about how she (the heroine)

is 21 now like her mother was when she gave birth to her and like how the grandmother was when she gave birth to her (the heroine's) mother. Also, this “striptease kung-fu” (not sure if they say kung-fu or something else, but either way it's ridiculous in context) is passed down mother to daughter and she now wants it. The grandma gives her some tea and she then “goes to sleep” and wakes up in 1400ish (sorry for missing the date, I don't know enough Japanese history nor does this movie specify) Japan where she does the whole Seven Samurai thing except it's only her and her tits are out and the leader of the villains has HER tits out too.

     The heroine (her name is Lili... I didn't remember this from when I watched it, I did some... “research” online while I was writing this... shut up) ends up hooking up with one of the villagers who's sister just gave birth to a baby girl (this is important later). After that she does her 'boss fight' and kills the other laser-shooting-boob-showing lady and goes back to present day. All is well until she talks some more with her grandma about the “founder of the style”. Turns out it was the guy she hooked up with that started the “show your boobs” style of fighting... by teaching it to his niece.

    Wait, 'cause it gets creepier. That whole “tea drinking” thing is apparently a ritual that all mom's/daughters (Lil's mom died so that's why it's her grandma doing the ritual... like that plot point is important) throughout the ages. Let all of that sink in.

     To start with: A guy started a fighting style based on a girl showing her boobs by teaching it to his niece. Who was just a newborn when he “saw” the style and decided it was worth teaching. All of that incest aside (and that's a HUGE aside): the style is passed on from mother to daughter down the line. And it's a ritualistic tea ceremony that sent Lili back to begin with. EVERY WOMAN SINCE THEN HAS DRUNK THE TEA AND GONE BACK TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR FATHER/UNCLE! You think I'm extrapolating? Lili makes a point (the last line of the movie) of should be so complete that Lili doesn't even have human form, she's just this half formed, slow-witted, dullard... which would explain why she'd fuck her father/grandfather/great-grandfather/great-great-grandfather/great-great-great-grandfather/etc.

YAKUZA WEAPON

     Oh. My. GOD. If there was an emoticon for a smiley face getting his dick sucked, pulling out, jerking off a bit for the money shot, then shooting himself in the head as he simultaneously cums, THAT would be the one that MIGHT sum up this movie.

     This is either one of the greatest movies ever or it rivals Zombie Christ [review coming] for WORST movie ever. I... I'm not sure which.

     Does anyone remember “Tank Girl” from the mid-90s? Before comic book movies made billions? It was after Clerks and Mallrats where talking about comics was “cool”...ish so somebody decided to try and make a movie about an underground comic character starring one of the girls from League Of Their Own. And Ice Cube because fuck it, everyone was still on the blow they got in the 80s or the smack they got in the early 90s and no one thought to stop and say: “hey, this comic book doesn't have a too big a following, AND the following it has likes the fact that they're non-mainstream... is this REALLY the comic we want to make into a big-budget movie?”.

     That was Tank Girl... the only other thing I can bridge this with is a movie called “Mercury Man”. That one is pretty awesome. It's like a big-budget (for Thailand... which is where it was made) movie that was basically just a rip-off of any Marvel superhero movie (particularly Spider-Man since it came out at that time) you can think of.

     Combine those two.

     The combined insanity of Asian cinema plus the underground comic element of Tank Girl plus... well, there's no “nice” way to put this... plus “WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN?!!!!”, plus an extra dose of insanity. You know, just for seasoning.

     Years from now, people will start a religion around this movie. And then they will blow up the Earth. There is no other alternative after watching this movie.

This movie is everything the Expendables series (and you know it's going to be a series) wishes it were. And it only took ONE guy. Plus an inflatable sex doll he substituted for himself in one scene (fuck is this movie hilarious sometimes).

     Seriously, let's all kick our mortal enemy off a cliff and kill him while he activates a nuclear weapon in our dead father's chest while we scream at him that we don't fear anything. That is honestly the end of the movie and I don't know how to joke about that except to say: FUCK YEAH!

2:13

I guess I've decided to make this a once a month blog... so be it!  For July we bring you another of the Midnight Horror Collection Volume 8.  On with the show.
      This time around the movie is called “2:13” and is about a profiler with a traumatic past and a drinking problem chasing down a serial killer. Since it's not polite to let anyone drink alone, I'm here for you, as yet unnamed profiler, bottom's up.

      We get right into things with a naked woman chained to a bed. Doesn't look like she's as into the extreme bondage as the guy is since she's crying and begging to be let go. By the way, the tied to the bed isn't the “extreme” part of the bondage, nor is the ball gag. No, that would be the spike shoved right through her left breast. If he was trying to work on his piercing skills he missed the nipple by more than a little bit. She ends up bolted/strapped/whatever to the ceiling after she's been killed and the cops are there to investigate. Also, they find a severed arm outside and there's some tension between the main guy (Russel) and a woman who is either another investigator or the medical examiner.

      Now he starts drinking (straight Jack Daniel's) alone at home at the end of the day while listening to soft rock. And looking through old newspaper clippings of this serial killer case mixed in with stuff about him being the target of an internal investigation and an engagement announcement between him and the blonde from earlier. Granted all this is kinda needed for the plot, but if this is supposed to be real that's a pretty poor filing system he's got there.

      He cries himself to sleep and we get to the next day and the police briefing. Turns out the blonde is the boss and she is not impressed by Russel being distracted during her meeting. She chews him out a little but apparently he's a pretty decent profiler so she just tells him to straighten up and fly right. This kinda pisses him off a bit and he snaps at his partner a bit before somebody comes in asking to speak to him. Turns out to be a former victim's husband who just received a message from the wife he thought was dead a year ago.

      Aside from the fact that all he has is an e-mail which, and I'm no expert but hear me out, can pretty much be sent by anyone as long as they have access to his wife's e-mail account (which you kinda assume the sadistic killer that took her probably would gain at some point), Russel says he'll look into it and goes off to the meeting with the chief his ex and partner told him about. The chief is all about the budget and doesn't want to spend money on a task force for this even though they look like they've got a serial killer in their hands. He's swayed by the evidence of the e-mail and the fact that the severed arm is that of the first victim. Or it could be that the killer just severs arms and leaves them meaning the one they found was from the new victim and the evidence picture was from the year before. I think that's it.

      Russel goes and looks at the evidence from the old case and has a flashback to the freak-out that caused him to be suspended before. Some more drinking at home and he notices a small difference on the tape that... I guess the killer sent to them? Whatever, the tape was edited so he gathers up the team and they go to the motel room in the tape and start looking around. Good thing too 'cause they find a message, written in blood of course, underneath the carpet. It looks to be the same message that the killer was doing a voice-over of at the start.

      Oh dude, it's Kevin Pollack! He's playing Russel's therapist. Looking at the cover again, turns out this movie's got probably the most recognizable cast of the bunch. Aside from Pollack, there's Dwight Yoakam, and the blonde (who's name in the movie is Amanda) is Ben Stiller's wife in Meet The Parents and the blatant cash grab sequels. Maybe not A list but not too bad all things considered. Russel manages to out-sarcastic Kevin Pollack and that's not easy to do. It's actually a fairly entertaining scene until they decide to stop being sarcastic and get serious.
      Therapy over, we're treated to some “TV-style” police work. By that I mean he goes to the library to look up some stuff and then stands around looking at a bunch of pages his printed up and laid on the floor. Then looking at them from a different angle. Then waving his hands over them. That's not really how you go about getting information out of pieces of paper. A little bit of actual police work later, he confirms that the masks left on both victims were made by the same guy... probably. Also, the standard “enhance that image” making what appears on a tape suddenly clear.

      Then there's a naked guy being tortured by another naked guy. And there's a sheep there.

      Before too much more happens, there's also been some flashbacks going on mixed in with these last couple scenes that shows a ten or twelve year old boy making a paper mask, burying something bloody in the woods, and being hung from a wall while his deranged mother buried something else in a basement.

More of the Sarcasm Hour with Kevin Pollack. Although this time there's even less sarcasm and more serious therapy. They talk about a dream about buying a gun. There are hints that something happened to Russel when he was ten but they don't say what because, you know, dramatic tension and all.

      The naked guy is found murdered and with his arm cut off like the others. Although this time there's the twist that the guy was made to swallow his own semen before he was killed. So that's different.

      Back in therapy and we get Russel recounting part of the investigation from the year before. Turns out Amanda got abducted by a guy in a mask and when he found them the guy either ran off because he was startled, or hit Russel, took his gun, and it was Amanda that saved him by hitting the masked guy. He tells it both ways (it's implied it's the second one that's true) but that's all that's explained before we cut to him at home drinking and finding the quotes from Shakespeare the killer is leaving at the crime scenes. It's all from As You Like It and the murder scenes themselves are more references to the play.

      After finding out that somebody has dug up and stolen the dead body of his mother (I assume), Russel understandably freaks out a little bit at the office and then it cuts back to him sitting alone at home on a couch drinking. I'd criticize but that'd just be the pot calling the kettle African American. Also, he has a hot blonde come over and bring him Chinese food. I don't see that happening for me tonight so looks like Russel wins this round in the “functional” alcoholics battle. They end up in an argument and that ends with Amanda saying she still loves him as she storms out and he pours himself another drink. Sounds about right, actually.

      Kevin Pollack does some... questionable hypnosis stuff, but it seems to work and Russel starts talking about how his drunk dad got in an accident that ended up scaring Russel's mom when Russel was ten. The mom starts wearing a mask and acting differently, then she hangs herself and kid Russel finds her 'cause his dad's become a drunk.

      Now the killer calls and leaves a message to taunt both Russel and the first victim's husband. Also, Russel is drinking at work now. It's okay, though, 'cause it's after hours and when Amanda shows up she takes a swig out of the flask too. Then they start to get close 'cause having a serial killer call and say he's got your dead mother with him is a really great way to set the mood for some sex in the office. Russel does resist for a bit, but Amanda's not taking no for an answer and they end up in bed. Also, much as this movie is getting pretty formulaic and the writing isn't too great (although it's pulling ahead of Legend Of Sorrow Creek for best on this set), I do enjoy Russel's constant sarcastic wit and find the character quite relateable... although that's probably not a good sign now that I think about it.
      After a late night brain storming session (that's not a euphemism for sex), we're back in the police briefing room with the update that now they think there's more than one killer. They give a profile like they're reading for a part in the low-budget knock-off of Criminal Minds and we get another flashback of the young boy being suspended from the ceiling with his ankles and wrists chained behind his back.

      Kevin Pollack then plays the psychiatrist and wraps up everything that was going on in Russel's head (the dream about going to buy a gun, which meant suicide, why he was frozen when confronting the man in the mask, how he set himself up to let down the women in his life, etc etc) into a neat little package. I'm starting to think they filmed all of these scenes on one day in one take and led Kevin Pollack to believe it was going to just be one scene and then split it up like this afterwards. Not sure why since that makes very little sense but the idea's gotten into my head and refuses to leave.

      Another victim. This time at a speciality porn club where we meet Dwight Yoakam. And by “speciality” I mean that I guess the people that come there either cut themselves or pay someone to cut them among other things 'cause Dwight goes on a bit of a tale about how the guy coming in twice a week wearing a mask and cutting himself doesn't freak him out even when it's “long, deep, shit” where they “need someone there immediately or he'd hemorrhage out”. I guess not so much a victim as just a severed hand. And it turns out this guy that's the regular always shows up to cut himself at 2:13. The shock, I know.

      Another in the long line of moments of inspiration for Russel and he figures, thanks to a clue the killer left in the message, that the killer made the mask for his mom way back in the day (not so much a clue as the killer flat out saying “you've seen my work before”). That's when they find the next victim strung up from a tree with more lines from As You Like It posted on a tree.

      They end up getting a name and we get an explanation about what's going on in the flashbacks. Turns out the killer's dad used to beat up and cut the mom who took a knife while the kid was making the paper mask and sliced up the dad and buried him in the basement. After the mom was found and taken to the police station they found the kid chained up in the basement.

      Tying all the things together, they get to the old house the killer's family used to own that never got resold and find Russel's gun that he lost the year before in the fight in the woods. This really is starting to seem like it was an episode of Criminal Minds that wasn't good enough so they stretched it out, changed the names, and made it it's own movie. They also find both the mutilated but still alive first victim chained to the roof like the killer used to be, and Russel's dead mom (still dead) with her mask on wearing Amanda's lost earrings. This does not bode well for Amanda who isn't with them because she felt sick and needed to go home early.

      A non-revealing shower scene later, we find out that the killer is indeed in Amanda's place and has flipped one of the breakers cutting the power. After fixing that, Amanda goes and turns on a CD player. I only mention this 'cause she listens to harder (even if it still isn't very good) music than Russel does when he's alone. Between that and being the one that saved Russel's life in the woods, I'm going to go ahead and say that Amanda is the real bad-ass in their relationship.

      Russel's partner gets up to Amanda's apartment first because Russel was busy reloading his newly found gun (something he didn't bother doing on the way over) and promptly gets knocked out. It kinda shows how useless the character is in that he's been in a bout 2/3 of the scenes of the movie so far and I haven't bothered to mention him more than twice yet. His name is Jeffrey, by the way, but he doesn't look to play much more of a role in this.

      Amanda then gets caught and tied to the bed by the killer so now it's up to Russel to save the day. Good thing he's got enough time to do so because the killer feels the need to recite Shakespeare before doing anything. Also, you can really tell who's “made it” in Hollywood and who hasn't since Amanda, unlike any of the other victims, still has a shirt and underwear on when the killer has her tied up. Russel does show up to save the day and avenge his failure in the woods.

      All is well and the killer is in jail. But so is the first victim's husband and Russel comes to talk to him. The wife has apparently said it was him that cut her up. Russel then starts interrogating him by asking what the guy's mom looked like, what colour her eyes were, even stuff like what grammar school he went to and what his fourth grade teacher's name was. I know the rapid fire questions are designed to trip someone up because, if they're lying, the inconsistencies will reveal themselves, but as quick as he's asking these questions, I'd have trouble remembering my fourth grade teacher's name even if I wasn't trying to lie about it and I doubt I'd be able to do more than guess at my mom's eye colour. Seriously, are you really that close to your mom that often (bare in mind these are two guys in their 30s talking about moms that have been dead for years) that you not only notice but are obsessive enough to take note of her eye colour? Anyway, all that is just leading up to the big reveal that his wife had gotten pregnant with someone else's kid and he “became someone else”. The guy ends up “breaking” and flipping over to his other personality (or at least dropping the charade) and starts to reveal his cunning plan as all villains must in the last ten minutes of a movie.

      Also worth noting: even though Russel looks to be the older of the two of them by a good five to ten years, it's actually the other guy that's at least ten years older than Russel. And all the other victims (the wife aside... though probably her too) were actually at least that much older than Russel as well. Man, that drinking must have really done a number on Russ for him to look that shabby.

      After some more villain dialogue, Russel does Kevin Pollack's hypnosis trick on the killer and gets him to start remembering the stuff from when his mom killed his dad. Also, it kinda looks like the kid that played the young Michael Meyers in the Halloween remake might have had a thinner brother who played the young killer in this one. That might be creepier than this whole movie if it turned out there's a family out there whose two sons are acting based solely on their ability to look and act like serial killers at a young age.

      Uh-oh. It's 2:13 and the bad guy is acting like he's got another card to play. Time for a horror movie twist ending? Time for a horror movie twist ending. And Shakespeare. There's always time for more Shakespeare. Amanda drops dead from poison on the other side of the one way glass. The bad guy quotes more Shakespeare and then stabs a chunk of glass (it was part of the hypnosis) through his head. Much as you can understand why, you kinda have to think there's some sort of ethics charges coming against Russel for not doing anything to try and stop the guy from killing himself right in front of him while in police custody.

      That's pretty much it. I stand by my idea that this was a rejected script from Criminal Minds that they couldn't find a team member to give Russel's dead mom back story to. Also, what the fuck happened to the “multiple killers” thing? They came up with that idea 'cause it supposedly would have taken one guy several nights to dig up Russel's mom but then... nothing. I don't know, seems kinda flimsy all around. I'd accept this if it was a Criminal Minds episode just 'cause I know there's limits to what they can do in less than an hour of showtime so there have to be some leaps in logic made, but in a movie I expect a bit more effort. Frankly, I think Legend Of Sorrow Creek was the better of the two. That had technical problems and too much crying but also had a half decent movie in there somewhere. This had the “crime scene-police station-therapy session-Russel's home” scene list on repeater and could only hope to be the cast-off plot of an episode of a good TV show. I also wonder about the supposed critic quoted on the cover of this movie (the menu shows the covers from all four movies on the disk) saying “not since Seven and Silence Of The Lambs have I been this terrified”. There was not a single terrifying thing about this movie and neither of those movies were meant to be terrifying so much as psychologically thrilling. Some people... * shakes head *

The Legend Of Sorrow Creek

Here we are again, folks. Back one more time to Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 8. Up on the block this time is “The Legend Of Sorrow Creek” which stars... no one I've ever heard of and is only 74 minutes long making it the shortest movie on the disk. Yes, even “Last Vampire On Earth” was longer than this. Anyway, time to grab some rum and regret many of the choices in my life that have led me here.

[Editors note: I wrote this one when I'd had about 3 hours sleep in the 40 hours previous and hadn't eaten in about 15. This devolves into “Zombie Dearest” review levels of rambling by the end. You've been warned.]

      One thing I've noticed in all of these and in my own movie making experience, it's obviously pretty simple to do opening/closing credits really well. It's everything in between that tends to fall apart. Some screaming and whimpering and flashes of an old black and white picture then a girl running and reciting a prayer in an attempt to ward off the “unclean spirits” that are chasing her through the house I guess. Or are just in her mind, either or, but it looks like they might be for real since they're rattling door knobs. The spirits seem to have caught up to her since she's now ignoring the cries from her husband on the other side of the door that the house is on fire (silly crazy lady dropped a candle) and is stepping up on a stool to hang herself. After dropping a blood soaked knife so I'm guessing there used to be more than just her in the house. The husband has some fucking terrible lines and he is not good at delivering them. Thankfully that's all over, the title shows up and we're transported to modern times with some park ranger looking guy standing in a forest.

      Before we go any further, I have to point out that this is fucking terrible quality video on this one. It's almost too pixilated to see what's going on. I don't know what happened 'cause it was fine for that first scene but now... I assume it's leaves on the trees instead of large squares of different shades of green. The guy coming up to talk to the park ranger... probably has a face instead of pinkish looking blocks. This may end up being a deal breaker on if I can watch the rest of this if it doesn't clear up, it's seriously that bad. There are honestly $100 video cameras out there that take clearer videos (I know 'cause I used to have one). There's no excuse for this poor quality.

      So the guy that's coming up through the woods to talk to Mr. Forest Ranger (his name is Jonas... it's awesome that I got to make those two totally different song references for just this one guy, I hope he survives just 'cause of that) is some sort of professor or grad student or some researcher at a university (name of Daniel). He flat out says it's “rare [his] research comes in handy” so this guy is well on his way to a job at a bookstore when his studies are finished. Oh good, he's a sociology student writing his doctorate on the effect of local superstitions on abandoned communities. I think we may have found someone to take away the “I hate money or ever having nice things” award from the professor of ancient medieval cults in “Return To House On Haunted Hill” (yes I know that guy must have made some money since he had the “best treasure hunting equipment available”, but whatever).

      Now, in overly-pixilated form, we find out that, even after his condescending laugh when Jonas calls what he's studying “ghost towns”, Daniel doesn't really know dick all about this place and needs Jonas to explain it to him. I can't tell through the crappy video, but I bet Daniel has “smug asshole” as his default facial expression.

      And... now I have to backtrack on all of that 'cause, even though Daniel said he thought Jonas would know more since he was from the area, all Jonas gave was “everyone around here was told a story about the place to get them to stay out of the woods as kids” and Daniel goes on a historical rant ending with the place being fully abandoned in 1899. After that, in the 20s, a salvage crew from a neighbouring town went in but three were never found and the other was found dead, blah blah blah, standard spooky story stuff. I still can't get over how bad this video is (though it sometimes gets better which just pisses me off all the more that the rest of it is fucked up). Oh, one thing about this, I guess the legend has it that Sorrow Creek was “founded on the very spot where the devil fell through the earth on his way to hell”. That's actually a pretty good card to play in your low-budget horror movie. I can't think of anyone that's played that one before (and yes I'm being serious, I'm probably missing something obvious, but I can't think of any right now).

      Hmmm... guess the legend goes that crazy lady's husband cut her eyes out, hung her as a witch, then burned their home down before running off into the woods “never to be seen again”. A bit different from what we saw happen, but I guess history is written by the winners and/or the unclean spirits.

      Cut to a pair of idiots (the first shot of them has one with a fish hook through his hand and the other apologizing for it) and their attractive(ish) lady friends out in the forest by a creek (if you can imagine that). The guy with the hook through his hand is too much of a pussy to pull it out himself so one of the girls has to do it for him. They do something smart by saying he should disinfect it, but then follow it up by doing something really stupid by trying to head back to the cottage in an entirely different direction than the way they came because, as the blonde (haven't heard her name yet) said: “it took us over an hour to get her that way, I think it'll be quicker if we follow the river back”. Asked if she'd ever gone that way before, she replies “no, but...” and then the rest isn't important because it's a no and that's how you get lost in the woods. The brunette (Jessie) agrees with her so, since the two guys are idiots and also in relationships with these two (looks like the blonde is with the hook-er and Jessie is with the hook-ee), they go along with it. This is followed by many shots of random parts of the forest interspaced with shots of them walking. They are lost.

      Hook-ee is named Toby and apparently as well as having a brain problem (standing in a place where he can get stuck by a fishing lure) and a “being a man” problem (needing one of the girls to take said lure out of his hand), he also has a heart problem wherein if his heart rate gets too high he has to take medication to regulate it. This is likely important for later on. Also, I guess he's not dating/hasn't been dating Jessie for too long since she doesn't know this and it's for her benefit they're going through all of this. Hook-er's name is Dean, by the way.

      After stumbling on some ruins (hint: Sorrow Creek), we finally find out blonde is named Kayla. Jessie splits off from them to try and figure out something that was carved in one of the trees in the middle of the ruined village, and everybody else keeps going on their trail they've never been on to a cabin that's in the opposite direction. I'm honestly not sure who is being more stupid in this case. They do end up back at the cabin, though, so I guess that makes it Jessie since she went off on her own in a horror movie.

      Ugh, romantic sub-plot crap. Dean (I really want to keep calling him “hook-er”) does some round-a-bout shit with Kayla talking about their future kids “one day” and it goes back and forth with them almost getting engaged but not actually 'cause neither wants to say it first and blargh. And I guess Kayla is a wannabe writer. And... god is this crap boring. Start killing people already! Minor plot point: Kayla and Jessie are sisters. Start killing people! Side note: the crappy romantic music those two were listening to outside on a swing set (yes, that cliched) was actually coming from a stereo that Toby was listening to up on the porch by himself. Man-card: revoked.

      Hey, look at that. If I say it two times shit does start getting real in this movie. Jessie calls a phone that hasn't worked in years and is heard crying on the other end talking about someone/something being “all around her”, then she screams and the line goes dead. Toby tries to use the phone to call the police (it having been established before there's no cell service where they are... which also makes it odd Jessie used hers), but the line is dead. There are no animal noises or anything out in the woods. Holy crap, there's still almost an hour left and I've already written this much. Buckle up kids, this one could go into overtime.

      Kayla is freaking out a bit, but as Dean is trying to comfort her, he sees a figure walk by outside the window. Instead of thinking that it might be Jessie, they all make a break for the car because... everyone involved spooks easily? Turns out the keys are in Toby's room, though so no quick escape and someone has to go back. Shame about that, actually, 'cause it turns out not to be Jessie but a guy in overalls and a flannel shirt with what... appears to be... a bucket over his head (the pixels, they are enormous!). Aside from it obviously being some brand new clothes, it's supposed to be crazy lady's husband from the start 'cause you caught a flash of him wearing this same get-up. Again, even though he disappeared in 1899 and this is over a hundred years later, he's still wearing stuff that people would nowadays.

      I just noticed something. Why are the goddamn headlights working if they don't have the keys in the car? My cars headlights stay on for a bit after I take the keys out, but this time they didn't even put the keys in there so that's no excuse. And it's not like I'm mistaking the lighting as something else, they are actively trying to make it look like it's the headlights lighting up... garbage-bag head? Seriously, poor quality film making on two accounts in this scene.

      Oh for fuck's sake. It's just his hair and he was facing the other way. Fuck this video quality.

      Dean actually comes up with a half decent plan (as long as you overlook the fact that they're freaking out over some guy wandering around on their property and skip over “hey, let's see what's up with him” straight to “flip the fuck out and lose our shit”) and they try to put it into action. It doesn't go so good because suddenly something happens to Dean and he wanders away from the cabin (where the car keys are) down the road. Toby, sitting in the car as back-up in case something happens, decides “not yet” because he's scared. That's not the reason he gives, but given what we've seen, that's what I'm guessing it is. It's okay, though, since it turns out to be Jessie wandering out of the woods that spooked Dean into abandoning their plan. She, unfortunately, is cut up on her back like 73 times (something Daniel said the one body from the 20s salvage team was found to be).

      Toby's found some old parchment in his room after getting the keys. Wisely, he decides not to fuck with it, puts it back and leaves. Husband is outside the window looking in for this, of course.

      Armed with the keys and a need to get Jessie to the hospital, they instead decide to have Kayla talk to her for a while. Jessie starts screaming to “make them stop”. At which point everyone else runs out of the room and decide that the best course of action is to lock the door rather than get the seriously injured and psychologically traumatized girl to a hospital.

      At this point I'd like to tell a story. Recently, while I was working, I happened to see a young deer, barely a hint of antlers on him, out in a field. As you know, deer are known to be skittish creatures, often running away from the slightest sound in case that sound may be a hunter or other predator. Evolution has made this an ingrained habit in the deer mind; it's better to run when you don't need to than stay and find yourself over-run by coyotes or shot by a hunter. This young deer I recently saw, was having none of that. He was not just standing in the field, frightened and alone (though he was alone from his own kind), he was not just willing to let the hunters and predators of the world chase him and force him to cower. He was going to take a stand. And, as Travis Sickle, Michael Douglas in “Falling Down”, and all others before him, this deer was going to fuck some shit up. There was a coyote in that field, but he wasn't the hunter in this case. Oh no, this coyote was on the run. This coyote, this mighty, deer-killing machine, bred for centuries to hunt prey such as this deer, was on the run. He was on the run from this lone deer barely sprouting antlers. That, my friends, is courage on the part of the deer. Courage to stand against nature and say “fuck you, I'm not taking this shit anymore”. Why do I bring this up, you ask? Because, these three young, able-bodied 20-something characters in this movie, when faced with any situation at all, not even one slightly threatening mind you, show less courage than that buck who was only a few months old.

      Toby's heart is fucking him up, Kayla is running to get his meds, and Dean is trying with all his might to keep a bedroom door closed to keep a screaming and crying girl who is basically bedridden by her injuries locked inside. If a few ballsy deer ever see this, we as a species are all fucked.

      Jessie stops screaming and Dean decides to open the door to check on her. Remember when I called these two guys idiots? I'm not saying he shouldn't be opening the door to try and help her. I'm just saying that, given that he's already fully committed to “she's fucking crazy, we need to lock her away instead of take her to a hospital”, he should stick with that or not have made that call in the first place. Jessie seems passed out, though (likely from loss of blood), so no harm no foul. Except for with Toby and Kayla since she “gave him too many pills” and now his heart rate is too slow. Fucking stupid people in this movie. Toby wants to go to sleep and, since the guy with a slow heart rate who may die from going to sleep is probably the best judge, Dean and Kayla decide to let him. At this point I don't think any supernatural force has to do anything, these idiots will all die over the weekend on their own.

      There is some shady logic going on in this next scene. I can't make sense of it and Dean's trying to explain it in calm, soothing terms so that drunks and/or traumatized almost-fiance's will buy into it. Still not buying it, Dean, you gotta step it up a notch.

      He doesn't, some time passes, they fall asleep on the couch, and Jessie gets out of bed. She stumbles through the hallway as if she's someone that's lost a lot of blood, tries to get into Toby's room (hey, even the satanically possessed and/or cursed need to get laid every once in a while) but can't, and then stumbles down the hallway towards the living room. Worth noting: at this point I can't tell if she's supposed to look like a zombie or if she's just shuffling as a regularly possessed person. The pixels make it hard to tell what level of make-up went into this scene.

      Whoops, looks like it wasn't Toby's door she tried the first time 'cause door number two is actually his room and now she's standing over his sleeping/dead body. He's just sleeping 'cause he wakes up in time to see her grab a conveniently placed cleaver and start slashing up his back. The others get there in time to see her finish off Toby, then wake her out of her trance long enough that she realizes what she's done. She then slits her own throat in front of her sister and we get to see Kayla cry into Dean's shoulder some more while Dean cries over her back. This has seriously been every other scene since they first realized Jessie wasn't there.

      After some more crying, Dean goes into Toby's room to see the bodies and make sure they're dead. This results in more crying on his part. It also leaves Kayla alone to have the Husband walk by in the background. More crying and (in a case of “seriously, have you never seen any crime show ever?”) Dean hugs/moves/the bodies/otherwise incriminates himself all the while crying even more. I... I think the people that made this movie think that 'crying = acting'. Oh, okay, I get it. Dean was going in there to grab the keys from Toby's body so he and Kayla could leave. Still doesn't explain all the crying. Suck it up, princess, there's shit to be done to keep you and your woman from joining those two. Tears are for later when you're trying to turn this whole thing into comfort sex.

      Dean and Kayla try to make a break for it. It doesn't go well because the car is now in several pieces (which, added together, would not be enough to equal a full car) on the lawn. This ends in more “acting” on both their parts as they cower in a corner of the kitchen. Dean gets mad. You wouldn't like him when he's mad... 'cause it means he cries some more. Kayla comes to the conclusion that it was “that place in the woods” and this all happened because they let Jessie stay there on her own.

      After some more crying, they remember there's a boat. But it needs gas. But there might be some in the shed. But Kayla doesn't want to be alone so they both have to go for it together. Then it turns out there's almost no gas left. But it might be enough. Too bad Dean spills it when he knocks over/cuts himself (it's hard to see, fucking pixels) on a chainsaw after seeing the ghost of a woman with her eyes gouged out.

      Turns out it was a cut from the chainsaw. To his leg. And less severe than road rash or falling on a little bit of gravel. This caused him to drop the gas can they needed to escape, need to be helped inside the cabin, and also need to be bandaged up more than any action hero who'd been shot ten times would need. All while crying. Seriously: when bad-ass deer see this movie, we are all fucked.

      Oh god, now there's even more crying. Like two minutes straight of crying before Kayla “hears something” and goes to check outside. Dean wants her to stay and cry some more, but she's all cried out (for a couple minutes at least) and goes out to see the swing swinging by itself and a purse hanging on the door. Turns out it was Jessie's purse and this is enough to set both of them off crying again. Dean gives a bit of sound advice by trying to tell Kayla to run for help because “whoever out there knows [Dean & Kayla are] trapped”. After some crying and her all but accepting his almost proposal, she runs off into the woods. Dean then opens up Jessie's purse to find the markings she found on the trees and a digital camera that was never mentioned before now. Whatever, let's see what she got pictures of before all this started.

      Pretty standard stuff. Pictures of the group, Dean cries over it, etc etc... some shadowy figure in the middle of the trees, a ghostly figure of a hanged woman, some more shadows you can't make out 'cause the picture is so fucking pixilated, and we're on to Kayla running down a road. She is on a road. And looking into the forest to try and find which way to go to get help. She is not following the paved road to town, she is looking into the woods from where she came. At this point the ghostly woman showing up should probably just take her out of her misery since she's too dumb to live. Ghost Husband shows up to help Ghost Wife, but Kayla manages to escape since fortune smiles on fools and small children... or however that saying goes. She's fucking stupid is what I'm getting at.

      Back in the cabin nothing is happening. That doesn't stop Dean from trying to hobble away from the stairs and out the back door even though his leg is perfectly fine (despite what the bandage would have you believe) and, I repeat, there is nothing going on in the cabin. He does manage to crawl out to the shed that is now apparently attached to the back porch of the house, but then does nothing but look around like a dumb human caught in the headlights. He does manage to find more gas for the boat... when he knocks it over on himself and into his eyes. This leads to a figure showing up, the screen going black, and the sound of the wrench Dean had grabbed (or something) hitting something flesh sounding.

      Now back to “Survival of the... Fittest? Part 2” with Kayla wondering around the woods, finding... some sort of wooden coffin-like structure, climbing in, and then placing the lid back over top of herself. Of course some shadows flick across the top where the light is coming in and she has to cover her mouth to keep from “acting”. Spikes start being driven into the top of her hidey-coffin, and she starts “acting” again. Then the spikes stop for a while and there are some other sounds of movement. Almost like the boat (I assume it was supposed to be a rowboat) she was in was being cast out into the lake. Which it was. She does manage to get out, though. Although without any reason or even any suspense that she might not since it was literally “she's trapped and being pushed out to sea... her head is popping up outside the boat!” and that's it. My buddy Ian described “Wagons East”, which Chris Farley died making (as I'm led to believe or at least vaguely remember) as: “oh look, we're almost there...! ...We're there!” But that's because the guy died and you couldn't finish the rest of the movie (again, may just be pulling this out of my ass, I have been drinking after all), this time it's just “oh, she might not survive...! ...She survived!” for no reason. Anyway, nine minutes left and she's feeling her way through the forest. With weird noises going on. Then she falls down and finds... the ruins of Sorrow Creek like they did plus a bag hanging on a tree. The bag is leaking blood and then...

      She drops the flashlight and there's a voice over like there was at the end of the opening credits scene, the sound of a knife slicing out eyeballs again, and Kayla putting her newly carved out eyes into the bag and hanging it back up before taking a noose out of frame. Some moths flicker around and then the “shock” of Kayla's feet swinging after she hangs herself.

      Now, the answer to the question I've been asking, what the fuck were Daniel and Mr. Forest Ranger My Name Is Jonas involved in this movie for? Turns out they found Kayla's body but none of the other three (...just like the four man crew in the 20s...) after the cabin burned down (...just like the home of crazy wife and husband...) the week before. And...

      I actually shouldn't make fun of this ending. It's actually pretty good. The movie itself, technical difficulties and ridiculous amounts of crying aside, was pretty good. It really could have used the extra 16 or so minutes to establish reasons for them to be so scared and everything, but this surprised me. Once you get beyond the crappy video quality and the fact they cut out a lot of the build up that would really make it a much better movie, it's not bad. For all my bitching about there being too much crying, the acting was half decent and it was generally better than I expected after that first scene. I'd say somebody should pull an “Evil Dead” on this one and remake the same movie but with a bigger budget and a more fleshed out plot. I don't see a Bruce Campbell in this cast, but you never know. Best of the collection so far.