So I go and say this is going to be
just a “monthly” blog and miss three months. Fantastic. Way to
go, Will, you really know how to play to a (lack of) audience.
Anyway, like the title says, I watch them with so I don't have time
to type out all this shit. Either way, here's a quick review of FOUR
movies (that covers the months missed and this one):
THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR (1 &
2):
This
counts as reviewing two movies because I said so. Also, they
actually are two movies... even though the second one is kinda really
dependent on the first. Whatever. Not a lot bad to say about these.
They're pretty much non-stop “bullshit! That can't happen!”
movies, but they were made in the early 90s. That was a time when we
believed Due South was awesome (P.S.: it still kinda is).
The best way to sum these movies up is: “Crouching Tiger, Hidden
Dragon” – the special effects budget + some actual action = a
pretty decent (pair of) movie(s) that people should look into.
Seriously, for all the Ang Lee dick sucking that was done over
“Flying Tiger, Hidden Piece-Of-Crap-Movie”, these two are so much
better. First off, they don't pretend to be set in the real world so
they don't even bother trying to reconcile people flying with physics
because fuck physics. Secondly, given the leap in technology between
93 (BWWH1) and 2000 (CTHD), I've gotta give the edge to Bride With
White Hair for effects because it does it's best “try to be The
Matrix” before that was even a thing. AND IT WAS WITH EARLY 90S
TECHNOLOGY! So yeah, good-ish movies that people should look into.
STRIPTEASE SAMURAI SQUAD
I can think of two things wrong with this three word title. First
off: There's not really any “striptease” per se. There are a
couple chicks that have a “fighting style” which dominates all
others and it involves them just opening their kimonos enough to show
their boobs and then fighting. Seriously, that's it. “You want to
fight? Let me show you my boobs first, it's my fighting style, after
all.” And that's it for “striptease” in this movie.
Remember I said there were two chicks that did this? Guess what?
Despite the word “squad” being in the title, those two are
neither part of/all of a squad, nor do they even fight on the same
side. They are in fact the protagonist and the antagonist and never
join forces for anything or form any type of squad. The rest of the
cast is made up of wannabe Seven Samurai extras and the plot plays
out exactly like that... except apparently showing their boobs and
being “trained” in that “fighting style” allows the two girls
to shoot lasers out of their tits. That is neither a misprint nor a
metaphor. They shoot lasers out of their nipples. Low budget,
terrible, lasers.
Despite all that, this movie is pretty much what you'd expect given
the title... UNTIL YOU START TO THINK ABOUT IT! Let me explain:
One of the first scenes is the heroine talking with her grandmother
about how she (the heroine)
is
21 now like her mother was when she gave birth to her and like how
the grandmother was when she gave birth to her (the heroine's)
mother. Also, this “striptease kung-fu” (not sure if they say
kung-fu or something else, but either way it's ridiculous in context)
is passed down mother to daughter and she now wants it. The grandma
gives her some tea and she then “goes to sleep” and wakes up in
1400ish (sorry for missing the date, I don't know enough Japanese
history nor does this movie specify) Japan where she does the whole
Seven Samurai thing except it's only her and her tits are out and the
leader of the villains has HER tits out too.
The heroine (her name is Lili... I didn't remember this from when I
watched it, I did some... “research” online while I was writing
this... shut up) ends up hooking up with one of the villagers who's
sister just gave birth to a baby girl (this is important later).
After that she does her 'boss fight' and kills the other
laser-shooting-boob-showing lady and goes back to present day. All
is well until she talks some more with her grandma about the “founder
of the style”. Turns out it was the guy she hooked up with that
started the “show your boobs” style of fighting... by teaching it
to his niece.
Wait, 'cause it gets creepier. That whole “tea
drinking” thing is apparently a ritual that all mom's/daughters
(Lil's mom died so that's why it's her grandma doing the ritual...
like that plot point is important) throughout the ages. Let all of
that sink in.
To start with: A guy started a fighting style based on a girl
showing her boobs by teaching it to his niece. Who was just a
newborn when he “saw” the style and decided it was worth
teaching. All of that incest aside (and that's a HUGE aside): the
style is passed on from mother to daughter down the line. And it's a
ritualistic tea ceremony that sent Lili back to begin with. EVERY
WOMAN SINCE THEN HAS DRUNK THE TEA AND GONE BACK TO HAVE SEX WITH
THEIR FATHER/UNCLE! You think I'm extrapolating? Lili makes a point
(the last line of the movie) of should be so complete that Lili
doesn't even have human form, she's just this half formed,
slow-witted, dullard... which would explain why she'd fuck her
father/grandfather/great-grandfather/great-great-grandfather/great-great-great-grandfather/etc.
YAKUZA WEAPON
Oh. My. GOD. If there was an emoticon for a smiley face getting
his dick sucked, pulling out, jerking off a bit for the money shot,
then shooting himself in the head as he simultaneously cums, THAT
would be the one that MIGHT sum up this movie.
This is either one of the greatest movies ever or it rivals Zombie
Christ [review coming] for WORST movie ever. I... I'm not sure
which.
Does anyone remember “Tank Girl” from the mid-90s? Before comic
book movies made billions? It was after Clerks and Mallrats where
talking about comics was “cool”...ish so somebody decided to try
and make a movie about an underground comic character starring one of
the girls from League Of Their Own. And Ice Cube because fuck it,
everyone was still on the blow they got in the 80s or the smack they
got in the early 90s and no one thought to stop and say: “hey, this
comic book doesn't have a too big a following, AND the following it
has likes the fact that they're non-mainstream... is this REALLY the
comic we want to make into a big-budget movie?”.
That was Tank Girl... the only other thing I can bridge this with is
a movie called “Mercury Man”. That one is pretty awesome. It's
like a big-budget (for Thailand... which is where it was made) movie
that was basically just a rip-off of any Marvel superhero movie
(particularly Spider-Man since it came out at that time) you can
think of.
Combine those two.
The combined insanity of Asian cinema plus the underground comic
element of Tank Girl plus... well, there's no “nice” way to put
this... plus “WHAT THE FUCK, JAPAN?!!!!”, plus an extra dose of
insanity. You know, just for seasoning.
Years from now, people will start a religion around this movie. And
then they will blow up the Earth. There is no other alternative
after watching this movie.
This movie is everything the Expendables series (and you know it's
going to be a series) wishes it were. And it only took ONE guy.
Plus an inflatable sex doll he substituted for himself in one scene
(fuck is this movie hilarious sometimes).
Seriously, let's all kick our mortal enemy off a cliff and kill him
while he activates a nuclear weapon in our dead father's chest while
we scream at him that we don't fear anything. That is honestly the
end of the movie and I don't know how to joke about that except to
say: FUCK YEAH!
