Bloody Mary "3D"

      Okay, back once more to review another terrible movie you've probably never heard of, have no interest in ever seeing, and that likely no one will ever read about. This whole concept was flawed from the beginning is kinda what I'm getting at. Anyway, up on the block tonight is “Bloody Mary”. Upon closer inspection, this was originally supposed to be “Bloody Mary 3D” but Netflix (and my TV) don't take kindly to 3D so there'll be none of that. Still, I'm betting there'll be a bunch of stuff shot unnecessarally like it's supposed to be in 3D that's just going to look silly now. Bring on the liquor!
      We start off in 1904 L.A. and after a quick shot of a house that loos suspiciously like it's a lot newer than that, we cut to... two chicks stripping and getting into bed together. Holy crap, when I said “bring on the liquor” I didn't expect that to be taken literally (it's a pun; get it?). Seriously, this is starting to look more like a porn than a real movie. I'm also kinda regretting not having 3D for this part since this has literally become a softcore lesbian porn scene with the blonde going down on the red head (my money on the red head being Bloody Mary). An odd thing to bring up, and I'm definitely not complaining, but even though my knowledge of pubic hair styles from the early 20^th century is a bit lacking, I'm guessing the girls probably shouldn't be so completely and smoothly shaven. But that's a minor detail, carry on ladies, this cinematic masterpiece is barely three minutes in.
      The music (which was pornerific enough for the bedroom) suddenly changes and we see some guy coming up to the house and taking a bottle of booze out of the mailbox. Shit is likely about to get several kinds of real, but more importantly: they delivered booze through the mail back then? Between that and the doctor prescribed cocaine, how are we any better off a hundred years later?
      Back to the girls hooking up but now the music stays ominous and the scene gets inter-cut with the guy in the kitchen making a sandwich. Take that sexism! He hears the two of them having sex and ends up slicing the blonde up with a carving knife which he'd been using to put mustard on his sandwich. A couple things about this: first and most obviously, that seems like the completely wrong reaction to coming home to find two hot girls naked in your bed. Married to the red head (she is Mary, by the way) or not, if you're going to be sticking something into them, my vote would not be for the knife. Secondly, that seems like a pretty impractical knife to be making a sandwich with in the first place. I know it's “1904” but smaller knife technology had to have been invented by now.
      I take back the porn comment; this acting is way the hell worse. Also, you'd think since she was supposed to be stabbed, they could have at least put some stab wound make-up on Mary's body while she was supposed to be lying there dying of terminal inability to emote. Now that she's cursed the guy and his family, we get some opening credits and guess what? Ron Jeremy's in this! This was made a good dozen years after Boondock Saints so I'm sure he's grown as an actor in that time and this is in no way an indication that I actually am accidentally watching pron and writing about it.
      A smog filled skyline and a tag saying we're in the present day and still in L.A. follow the credits and we see two girls walking up to what looks like an abandoned building. They are also built like porn stars but don't have the looks to match the girls from the first scene. Which I guess was maybe the point (?) since, through some convenient plot dialogue, it turns out their just wannabe groupies for Matt Elias (the family name of the guy that went all stabby in the first scene) and are sneaking into this place to try and force their way into his video. There seems to be a bit of flawed logic there, but whatever, I don't pretend to understand how the groupie mind works.
      They do some fawning over the guitars and then scare themselves looking into a mirror. One of them starts talking about the curse of Mary Worth and we get to watch the entire first scene over again... although only starting at the stabbing part because why would anyone want to watch a gratuitous lesbian scene over again when they can watch a poorly acted murder scene over again? Anyway, now the two girls decide to test the whole “Bloody Mary in front of a mirror” bit. Seeing as they scared themselves a few seconds ago just seeing their own reflections in a mirror, this seems like it'd result in some screaming even if they weren't in a horror movie. Sorry, a 3D horror movie. The 3D part was supposed to come in when Mary shows up and reaches out of the mirror towards the camera and drags one of the girls into her, comically ripping off her head before coming after the other one. She's still totally naked and covered in blood so they've got the continuity going. Although physics seems to be less of a strong point as the second girl is killed and then hung from a coat rack. Much like the movie decides to, let's just move on and forget about how stupid that is.
      Some more random shots of L.A. so they have time for some DJ to talk about this Matt Elias guy for a while. And now they're playing the douche's entire song with him “dancing” (?) around with some crappy video effects thrown in. This song sucks. And it just keeps going. The movie isn't even a full hour and a half long and they've spent the first 20+ minutes with a lesbian porn scene and some a douchey auto-tuned music video with like a five minute horror break in between. Another thing: why were there even guitars on the stage? There wasn't anything even approaching a musical instrument in that entire song. It'd be like having Justin Bieber or Justin Timberlake or some other crappy pop star trying to pretend their real musicians by having a guitar around. Wait, has that actually happened? I honestly don't know. Maybe somebody really has tried to do this and the movie is trying to make fun of them for it? I'm grasping at straws here trying to justify it since the movie started out so promising.
      Some new random girl is on the phone talking to her mom who seems displeased that her daughter is “still doing that” for work (all that's been said is she “has a shoot” this afternoon). Are we back to the porn angle again? Probably just the new music video for Elias, but with the random jumps between scenes so far in this movie, you never know.
      She ends the phone all and we switch over to a couple other people (some random white dude and a black chick) showing up to the same building as before and talking about getting set up for the video shoot. Then some bald guy acting like an asshole shows up with another porn-looking girl to bitch about the setting for the video even though apparently he's the one that put up the money for it and this is all they could afford. The stoner director of the video shows up (named Weed, imagine that) and the bunch of them go inside to get set up. The blonde from the phone call is nowhere to be seen.
      Some fat security guard tries to give guff about baldy's pornstar girlfriend not being on the list, but she gets let in anyway. Next a guy with drumsticks shows up so maybe there is a band involved with Elias? Probably just ghost fodder. After that the man, the myth, the douche himself shows up and he's having an argument with his girlfriend about him cheating on her the night before (his excuse being “so what? You weren't there” and “I didn't cheat on you, it was just a blowjob”).
      Hey look everybody, it's Ron Jeremy! He's the building manager, I guess, and he's showing the crew around. Seems a bit odd he didn't see the two dead girls if he was showing people around and all. It's kinda sad but Ron Jeremy really is the best actor so far. Good for him. Oh, the blonde finally shows up so I guess she wasn't just an extra scene with no relation to the rest of the movie. Good for her too... I guess.
      Elias is in his dressing room now and imagine who you see in the mirror? Only this time Mary's wearing a dress and not so interested in killing so much as just talking to the guy, focusing on one of the necklaces he's wearing (the same one the first guy ripped off her at the start), and the disappearing into thin air as soon as he looks away from her. Look at all that suspense being built. Just look at it.
      Weed's gone off to get high in some back room. Obviously, there's a mirror in it and Mary shows up again. Again she's wearing a dress so I'm guessing that means there'll be more talking and less killing for the second time. And I'm right. Now she's trying to get Weed to let her be in the video by seducing him. Doesn't take much 'cause she is pretty hot, I'll give her that much.
      Now Mary's naked again. In the back of a mirror that Elias is looking into. He turns around and she disappears again, though. This time while he's looking at her. That seems... less plausible then the last time, but I guess big time rock star there is going to just shrug it off as an effect of whatever drugs he's supposed to be on. Still, no killing. You think they could at least keep it consistent with the “nudity = death, no nudity = no death” thing but that's obviously asking too much.
      Ron Jeremy's back! He's acting like a sympathetic bartender (even bringing her a beer) to Elias' girlfriend. Then the drummer makes a joke about how everybody knows Ron Jeremy's character “being a pretty big dick” to the black girl (she's running the shoot or at least trying to organize it, I guess) when she comes looking for him. It's funny 'cause he's Ron Jeremy and it's sad 'cause this is as funny as this movie gets. And that's it for that scene. No follow up, no reason for it at all, just that's it and back to Elias “dancing” (?) around and his crappy auto-tuned, non-band aided song playing.
      Now they're finally about to start filming the video, but the power goes out. There's some more arguing and Elias decides he and his girlfriend are going to go off to get something to eat since it'll take “10 to 15 minutes” to get the lights back on. So they split off, and Ron Jeremy splits off to go try to fix things with baldy and the black girl going off on their own as well. Finally we're getting into classic horror movie shit.
      Oh hey, that “10 to 15 minutes” took exactly as long as it took Ron Jeremy to waddle down some stairs and flip a switch. And nobody got killed during. This thing really isn't doing horror movies right at all. Mary is wandering down the hall with ominous music playing now, though, so maybe something will happen? It's hard to gauge since the “nudity = death” bit was ruined. Also, for no particular reason, she's now got underwear on but is still topless. What weird kind of naked ghost rules is she following? Obviously she can choose when she wants to show up fully naked and covered in blood and when she wants to show up without blood and fully dressed, so why the sudden halfway of no blood and underwear? I don't understand vengeful lesbian spirits at all.
      Ron Jeremy is now playing an electric guitar without it being plugged in. He breaks a string on it, decides the hell with that, pulls out a harmonica, and decides he'll be a rock star by way of playing that. I'll say it again: Ron Jeremy is the most talented person associated with this movie. Mary's lying on a bunk or shelf or something right above him while he's doing this (fully clothed again so that just makes the topless hallway walk even more confusing), and comes down to talk to him. She also decides to take the broken guitar string and strangle him with it. That's not cool, his harmonica playing was better music than the music video they're supposed to be trying to make. Anyway, he's dead now and the “nudity = death” thing is straight out the window since she did it fully dressed. This movie is suffering from thematic problems.
      Elias and his girlfriend are sitting in his car eating and arguing. He makes some more douche-tastic arguments about how it's not his fault he was cheating on her and tells her she's “got no one to blame but herself” for him getting blown by somebody else. I really don't think there's anyone in the world who could say that and actually have it work for them. Unsurprisingly, she storms off.
      Baldy's pornstar girlfriend is now off on her own fixing her make-up. The camera work in this scene is hilarious. All it is is shots of her hips, ass, and boobs inter-cut every once in a while with a quick shot of her face. It's like they were trying to show off her porn bits but forgot she was still wearing a dress. The fat security guard busts in because he “thought the door was stuck” and then stands there learing at her for a while. And that's it for this scene. I'm starting to think that if they cut all the scenes that had nothing to do with anything they'd end up with only like 20 minutes worth of movie.
      Now some more tension as it turns out Elias is dropping baldy as a producer for his next album. Baldy does the whole “I made you! Before you met me you were nothing!” speech, and Elias tells him that he's now “the next big thing” and that his second album is going to be “the most anticipated album of the decade”. Also, the girlfriend has apparently decided that yeah, it was her fault Elias was going to groupies for blowjobs the night before because she's back with him and is actually the one that first shoots baldy down with his plans for the future. I guess the hell with continuity at this point as well as plot and “believability”.
      Baldy wanders off and does some sort of evil villain monologue to no one in particular, and then Mary shows up dressed as a naughty schoolgirl. I think they did this to try and distract people from how unbearably bad the dialogue is in this scene where she tries to seduce baldy into helping her get the necklace back... but it still makes no sense and let's be honest, no one watching this movie cares about how retarded the dialogue is by this point. Just to exemplify how shitty the writing is, for like the fifth time since she was introduced to all of the characters by her name, Mary has to tell one of them individually that her name is Mary (she even says “Bloody Mary” at this point). At this point I'm hoping she kills them all just based on how stupid they are.
      After a couple more useless scenes, Elias is in an argument with Weed about Elias taking off his Mr. T level of necklaces for a shot in the video. Elias is against it because, and I quote: “this is part of my whole look. Like my clothes, my hair, and my music.” Notice how the music is at the end of the list? With all settings at maximum douche, Elias storms off (snapping his fingers for his girlfriend to follow) and bitches some more about how it seems like the universe isn't revolving around him as much as he'd like. The girlfriend seems to have totally forgiven him at this point since she decides to start blowing him in the dressing room. The power of being a “rock” star, huh? Unfortunately (or fortunately since there's only 26 minutes left) Mary decides to show up all naked and bloody while she's blowing him. Elias thinks nothing of it for a second... then freaks out when it looks like she's the one blowing him. No killing, though. And now baldy bursts in to convince Elias to go along with taking off the necklaces and he finally agrees. Oh, and Ron Jeremy is found dead by the cameraman and a fully clothed Mary stabs him for it. Seem like that was a quick jump between subjects in the middle of a paragraph? That's what watching the different scenes of this movie back to back is like.
      Baldy's holding onto the necklaces so Mary shows up and tells him to bring “big tits” (in this case she means his pornstar girlfriend instead of... well, basically any other girl in the movie) and meet her in the bathroom. They get there, he calls for Bloody Mary, and then Bloody Mary shows up and... runs her hands across the other girl's cleavage? Producing blood somehow? Seriously, that's what happens. No attempts at making it look like there are cuts nor any attempt to explain why grabbing someone's boobs from behind would produce blood in the first place, just random boob grabbing, some blood, some screaming, and then more blood than would be physically possible running down the other girl's legs as Mary stands behind her fondling the other girl's boobs. And I'm not joking about that, either. The rest of this “death” scene is Mary squeezing and playing with the other girl's boobs from behind while baldy stands there trying to act scared while watching one girl play with another's tits. This actually qualifies as good acting because, let's be honest, “scared” is not the emotion you're going to feel while watching something like that.
      The cameraman's absence is finally noticed... and brushed off. More arguing and finally the blonde (remember her? From that one scene where she was on the phone? Yeah, she's still around) decides to help out with the lights. While this is going on Mary goes to baldy to get her necklace back and, for no reason I can think of, it's revealed that she can't actually take the necklace, somebody has to give it to her. Baldy is also strangely calm talking to her considering he just saw her tit massage his girlfriend to death.
      More topless walking down the hallway for Mary, this time with a clever in her hand too. Then, for no reason, she's sitting on the back of a pick-up truck when Elias' girlfriend shows up muttering about something and decides to take off her shirt. She's just changing into a different one and is still wearing a bra, though, so with only 14 minutes left I guess they weren't planning on bookending the movie with another lesbian scene. They talk about something, but it's hard to say what since whatever budget they had must have been spent on paying Mary to be naked 'cause the sound is crap in this scene. So yeah, for no reason Elias' girlfriend suddenly changes her mind about Mary and goes from being a bitch towards her to being best friends... until she puts the pieces together that this is Bloody Mary, at which point Mary (in a very short skirt) pushes her back down into the bed of the truck and mounts her. Still no bookend scene, just some of that 3D magic I'm missing out on and a ridiculous shot of the girlfriend's boobs bouncing around as she pretends to either be stabbed or have her throat slit. It's hard to tell which since literally all you see is the front of her shirt and her elbows awkwardly flailing around. Oh, and then suddenly her head is cut off so I guess we're going with that's what happened rather than her being stabbed. The the fat security guard shows up and gets killed. Mary fondles her own boobs as he's dying just to mock him. Then she kills the drummer who was still in the movie even though no one has seen him in forever and he wasn't around when they were trying to shoot the music video.
      Suddenly other people are starting to put shit together about Mary and notice that there isn't really anybody left. Terrible acting ensues. Mary shows up in a bra, skirt, and corset because fuck it at this point. The black chick dies with a thrown cleaver to the back. Everyone that's left (Weed, Elias, blonde, and baldy) decide to run. Blonde gets a knife thrown into her back, but apparently doesn't die so easily and it turns out a closed door is enough to stop Bloody Mary from getting to them because fuck logic. The decision is made to pull the knife out of blonde's back (a bad idea, fyi), Elias decides to take off his shirt to “help” cover up the knife wound because why should Mary be the only one that gets partially naked, right ladies? Also, it turns out a closed door will not stop bloody Mary, as she appears in the mirror and kills baldy and stabs Elias. Who throws the necklace through the mirror (? Why not?) and Weed follows that up by kicking and breaking the mirror after Mary goes back through it to get the necklace. This is apparently the end as now we're treated to every scene of Mary killing somebody or being naked replayed while a voice over tells you (again) about the legend of Bloody Mary. Also, Elias who was perfectly fine (save for the knife in the gut) right before this, is now dead on the floor leaving only Weed and blondie surviving. And they just sort of walk out and call it a day.
      Then the DJ from before talks about “rising rocker” (I don't think they know what that word means) Matt Elias' death. Then they play the same crap-ass song of his again as the credits roll (the part I find funny in this is the blonde whose whole part was going down on Mary in the first scene gets the first credits with a picture to go along with it and it's just her smiling at the camera like she really enjoys her role in the movie (although, truth be told, I'd enjoy her role so I shouldn't judge). For some reason I find that funny). I really think they just made this as some sort of porn/music video hybrid and were assuming this crappy song would become a hit.
      Fun fact: the girl that played Bloody Mary (Veronica Ricci) actually was in porn where she did (according to her IMDB profile) “mostly girl-girl and bondage scenes” and has graduated from university with a degree in both psychology and business while also being a certified massage therapist. I really have no joke for that. I just honestly would like to hang out with this girl as there are very few people I know in my regular life who could possibly be as interesting to talk to as that.