Hulk

So because of the weird combination of extreme laziness and working too much that is my life lately, I haven't gotten around to writing about any bad movies this month.  Thankfully, to fill the void, we've got the first installment of what's likely going to come up a lot with my laziness and all: a guest review!  Everybody cheer... or not, whatever, it's a blog, who cares?  Anyway, onto the movie.

     Here we are, at the very much delayed debut of Stevie Gets Drunk and Reviews Whatever He Goddamn Pleases. My choice is Ang Lee's Hulk, which I last saw as a 9 year old in 2003; it has probably not aged well. The Sprite and on sale terrible banana rum has been poured, let this farce begin!
     Explosions and cells dividing and then jellyfish? This opening sequence is like a rip-off of the actual cool opener in Spider-man with webs and shit. Now they sawed a leg off a jellyfish? Science. Definitely science. And after many random flashes of lab books, equations, and microscopes, I can even further confirm that science is afoot.
     About 3 and a half minutes in and we're still montaging...what the fuck, Ang? Did you even edit this thing? 4:20 and it finally went to a military guy shooting down the science! Progress? And I don't know who the scientist actor is, but I'm calling him blonde rape stache (BRS). BRS has now had a baby that I assume will be Bruce Banner, but who fucking knows.
     Now BRS is shooting up or taking samples from his son, so that'll end well. Yup, BRS is Banner’s daddy and he's been experimenting with Hulk serum on humans; the military seems (actually rightfully) not happy. This child actor is terrible even without lines, but luckily (unfortunately?) we've now jumped to Bruce Banner about to go to college. Another sudden jump from the useless college scene, and Bruce is an adult Eric Bana, at Berkley Nuclear whatever, with a joint Lou Ferrigno/Stan Lee spotting as he bikes (loser) into work.
     While wearing his bike helmet like a real nerd-virgin, a nerd with weird facial makes fun of Bana, and why the fuck is this a scene? Oh look, a hot girl and he takes the helmet off. The hot girl is the girl that goes to that sex club for heroin in Requiem for a Dream, which matters more than anything being said at the 14 minute mark of Hulk.
     Now they're exposing frogs to various science words with many overdramatic shots and weird music, oh look, the frog exploded! Action! Aaaand back to boring Bana, drinking and having a forced flirting scene with heroin girl, how quaint.
     A second love interest for heroin girl appears! Tries to woo heroin girl [editors note: I REALLY hope people start referring to Jennifer Connelly as "herion girl" for all of her movies.  This should make the next time you watch Labyrinth... interesting) with a high-paying job! Gets shut down by heroin girl, but we now know heroin girl's dad is some military big-shot. Plot movement? Also, the transitions in this movie are like a grade-schooler's first PowerPoint presentation. I'm basically expecting laser noises for the next one.
     Anyways, we're on to Bana's former relationship with heroin girl, by way of him fantasizing about a picture. Bana is not even trying to be convincing with his lines, just droning through them. Goddamnit Bana, give Ang's steaming dump a little effort! And time for flashback within a fantasy for $1000 Alex! To heroin girl's childhood and a green Hulksplosion at a desert base we go (probably caused by BRS)!
     Snap back to reality for a poodle to be in the lab and bark angrily when Bana tries to touch it...I think I'm starting to remember the Hulk's shitty foes in this dumb movie. A janitor met for a second earlier is also doing shady shit after hours, I hope he starts experimenting on Bana's lack of effort and Ang Lee's wacky editing/bland script. Bitchass Bana has a nightmare with green flecks and is seeing a creepy guy with creepy dogs including that poodle, but we're gonna pause for another drink.
     Drink poured and we're off to creepy janitor's janky lab and...holy shit, is that Nick Nolte?!?!? What the fuck are you doing as creepy janitor? You're too good to be the old version of Bruce Banner's dad for a movie featuring Eric Bana's complete indifference. Second love interest is now back, being all rapey, and Bana immediately gets catty with him. Don't worry, he maintains his indifference, even through second love interest's threat of hostile takeover (henceforth SLI). Ooooohhhh, hostile takeover, so scaaaryyyy, and....terrible dramatic double-shot of Bana's eyes and SLI leaving the room.
     Now the nerd that made fun of Bana for wearing the bike helmet goes and fucks something up, Bana tries to fix it, and BAM, the Hulk is lamely born at the 30 minute mark with special effects straight from an episode of Power Rangers. There are probably people out there doing better work on MS Paint. Bana has apparently survived the radiation and has indifferently "never felt better". We all know where this is going...another montage, with lizards and jellyfish and the surface of Mars(?). Goddamnit Ang.
     OH SHIT, Nick Nolte's now up in Bana's hospital room with uncombed hair and his 3 weird ass dogs. Telling Bana he's actually a Banner...wait, did he not know his last name? Welp, that didn't reach me, but who cares about the viewer. Nolte's lookin’ like a witch and making crazy promises, and OH SHIT AGAIN, he's trying to act! How refreshing to Bana, who still does not give a shit about his lines. Bunch of bullshit from Nolte, causing Bana to actually raise his voice above indifference, then causing the dogs to be creepy and Nolte mention Bana's temper. How subtle.
     Heroin girl's dear old military dad, complete with distinguished military mustache, now visits. This scene is boring and I bet she's gonna have some daddy issues. Oh look, daddy issues! He's distant! Heroin girl is sad! Go fucking figure. And...HOLY TITBALL SLANGING DICKS, A TRANSITION FEATURING LASERS. CALLED IT.
     Bana's tripping balls with more Power Ranger editing, some scrunching of his nose, and...he actually Hulks out. I think there may be Power Ranger baddies with better suits, but whatever, at least he's free to fuck up a nuclear lab in a shiny shade of green. And...goddamnit Nolte, stop warmly caressing the Hulk! That doesn't even make sense! Quit your terrible fake crying when he jumps through a ceiling that literally can't hold him!
     Fuck, I still have like 90 minutes left, I'm overwriting all the nothing happening. Fuck me, and fuck the cheap banana rum's low proof. Gloriously mustached military dad reappears with Bana's wallet at Bana's house, little does know he's fucking with the indifferent Hulk! Heroin girl moves on to questioning Nolte in his hoarder science pad and gets some rapey pushback. Go for it Nick! You have nothing to lose here! Something, something, heroin girl, double sided dildo...
     Bana now upset with mustache military guy, military guy upset too, don't come near my daughter bullshit, whatever. Back to more ridiculous transitions chosen by some voting block of 7 year olds as "super cool", the highest level of a scale starting at "You are Eric Bana's complete indifference". Nolte calls up Bana, saying he experimented on himself, passing it on to Bana (this renders the opening past sequence mostly useless. Nolte further says his dogs are being injected with Hulk goo and will be going after heroin girl because reasons.
     Second love interest reappears at Bana's house to commit assault and battery for no real reason besides to act as a plot device both impeding Bana's saving of heroin girl and making Bana upset enough to Hulk out. He succeeds on both fronts, and Bana becomes the shade of green ideal for grocery store green beans. The military was still watching the house, so they shoot at the Hulk with gun sounds faker than those in a child's toy. Maybe Ang Lee's sound department was trying to match the lead actor’s indifference here?
     The Hulk grows 3 sizes, kicks shit. Heroin girl has very fake cabin in very fake woods, but hey, at least Hulked out Bana can go full King Kong and show love for tiny heroin girl right before the Hulked out dogs arrive, looking like monsters straight from a mid-90s B-movie. Only thing of note from the fight scene: he totally punches a dog in the dick and kills one of the dogs by punching right down its throat. The dogs die in weird puffs of green so poorly done I expected numbers telling the Hulk how many experience points the kills earned him, but would you expect anything else from this?
     The poodle may not be dead, but thankfully I think I'm halfway through this garbage. We're back to indifferent dialogue, so I'm gonna try to not pay close attention here. Oh look! The military shoots Bana with a knockout dart and an excitingly worthless helicopter transport scene ensues! They could have saved money and cut the movie's runtime by not having this bullshit! Bana has been transported to some secret desert base with very colorful pipes and oddly lit rooms. Heroin girl wants Bana helped, mustached distant father wants him sedated forever, go figure.
     Heroin girl uses "government wants to use his as a weapon" copout line, and we've entered obvious cliché land. ~ Come on Ang! You can be better than this! [editors note: since the only thing anyone really knew Ang Lee had done before this was "Flying Tiger, Hidden Rip-Off", that doesn't seem like it's true in the slightest]~ I suddenly wonder how Nolte's dogs were able to find heroin girl's fake cabin, but we're way past that with Nolte now zapping himself with Hulk juice in another scene with Power Ranger level effects and him gaining the ability to phase into things. Like, he phases his hand into a console and proceeds to hit a security guy with it. This makes no sense, but why should it.
     The desert lab is apparently in a deserted military town where both the opener and heroin girl's flashback took place, and this is way less cool than it could be thanks to more Bana indifference paired with poor writing. Just goes to show, if you can't get your movie to work through standard plot and dialogue, you just throw in endless flashbacks until everything is stupid and nobody gives a shit about the movie's contact.
     Abrupt ruling from unknown/more powerful forces causes heroin girl to be barred from seeing Bana. Ok, whatever. And second love interest wants to "carve a piece" off the Hulk for tests...GREAT ideas here. SLI starts trying to get Bana mad, so he's clearly a real smart guy. Nolte wants to see Bana too, showing up in heroin girl's non-cabin house to request it. More flashbacks and bullshit and cuts to Bana getting tortured in a blue tank as Nolte monologues. This scene blows...OH SHIT, RAPEY MUSTACHE YOUNG NOLTE KILLED BANA'S MOM WHEN SHE TRIED TO HOLD NOLTE BACK FROM STABBING YOUNG BAD CHILD ACTOR BANA. A twist that changes absolutely nothing, but I'll take any actual effort by Ang at this point.
     More bad cuts, tanked Bana Hulks out, fucks shit up, second love interest is surprised and... goddamnit, the sleeping gas gives the Hulk the sniffles. Current Marvel would make sure this is actually funny, but 2003 Marvel makes it very lame. Now the poorly CGIed Hulk is getting sprayed with poorly CGIed foam in the worst poor CGI bukakke imaginable. Second love interest proceeds to trying to drill into foam-stuck Hulks head, and the CGI seems to actually dip below Power Ranger levels; the Hulk rubberizes, second love interest tries to shoot him with an rpg thing, and kills himself in a definitely sub-Power Ranger explosion. Damnit Ang!!!!
     Lots of dramatic shots as the base goes into lockdown and Hulk fucks shit up throughout poorly done gunfire, weird cuts, and the Hulk's poor CGI causing his pants to be part of his legs. Hulk finally gets to the surface, where he finds jumping to be superior to running in getting from point A to B. Ok, whatever, damnit Ang.
     Now, more flashback, rocket fire at the Hulk, endless desert, tanks, and I have no idea why this is happening. Hulk throws a tank by its cannon and punches another tank...maybe Ang just had budget to burn here thanks to completely ignoring the CGI budget. That's all I've got to explain it as the Hulk jumps repeatedly into the distance.
     The Hulk is now majestically jump/gliding around a beautiful desert backdrop. It looks terrible. Stop, Ang, stop! Why is Bana even Hulked out still? Dramatic helicopters with guns/Hulk standoff time! Hulk survives and actually crashes a helicopter by catching a missile, biting off the head, and spitting it at a helicopter. That's outrageous and may be the movie's best part. Actually, definitely is.
     Hulk now just keeps jump/gliding all the way to San Francisco. Sure, whatever. Hulk rides a jet into space, loses consciousness, and Bana hallucinates shaving while the Hulk breaks through a mirror, grabs him, and actually calls him "puny human". I don't get this scene, but it wasn't the worst! Heroin girl now wants to go to the Hulk as mustaches military dad wants to destroy the Hulk, naturally. Hulk awakens, fucks shit up in the city, and stops on seeing his heroin girl in a trendy denim dress shirt. Bana de-Hulks after a clear shot of the CGI-Hulk, wherein we see just how bad it truly looks and the purple shorts shrink perfectly back to human sized.
     Nick Nolte's in jail or at least a holding cell somehow now, and damnit, they've brought him to where they're keeping Bana for some reason. Nolte and Bana start having some bizarro heart to heart and it is dumb. I have no idea why the military is cool with this, but I'm sure Bana will Hulk out once more. Nolte bites a power line and becomes an electricity monster? Well shit, I guess that might as well happen. Meanwhile, Bana Hulks out and the Hulk/his electric daddy fight across the sky.
     They crash back into the desert for Nolte to become a rock monster and more fighting to occur. Hulk touches Nolte, and Nolte starts morphing/phasing into the Hulk. Hulk stupidly tosses Nolte in water, and Nolte becomes a water monster...this fight is ridiculous, but Nolte's powers are kinda cool. And now the two fighters literally freeze. Hulk then tries to force Nolte to absorb all his power, and I have no idea what is happening. Oh, never mind, they go Hulknuclear with Bana left floating in the water.
     One year later...because what's infinite flashbacks without a glimpse of the future. Heroin girl loved Bana, mustached military dad thinks Bana is dead but wants to be told if heroin girl finds him still alive. Sudden shift to some Spanish-speaking jungle...and we find Bana working as a doctor about to Hulk out on some dick. The end. That movie sucked, no actor tried except for occasionally Nolte, and Ang Lee gave no fucks.
     I hope my Canadian railroad overlord enjoys this review. Fuck Ang Lee's Hulk.