2:13

I guess I've decided to make this a once a month blog... so be it!  For July we bring you another of the Midnight Horror Collection Volume 8.  On with the show.
      This time around the movie is called “2:13” and is about a profiler with a traumatic past and a drinking problem chasing down a serial killer. Since it's not polite to let anyone drink alone, I'm here for you, as yet unnamed profiler, bottom's up.

      We get right into things with a naked woman chained to a bed. Doesn't look like she's as into the extreme bondage as the guy is since she's crying and begging to be let go. By the way, the tied to the bed isn't the “extreme” part of the bondage, nor is the ball gag. No, that would be the spike shoved right through her left breast. If he was trying to work on his piercing skills he missed the nipple by more than a little bit. She ends up bolted/strapped/whatever to the ceiling after she's been killed and the cops are there to investigate. Also, they find a severed arm outside and there's some tension between the main guy (Russel) and a woman who is either another investigator or the medical examiner.

      Now he starts drinking (straight Jack Daniel's) alone at home at the end of the day while listening to soft rock. And looking through old newspaper clippings of this serial killer case mixed in with stuff about him being the target of an internal investigation and an engagement announcement between him and the blonde from earlier. Granted all this is kinda needed for the plot, but if this is supposed to be real that's a pretty poor filing system he's got there.

      He cries himself to sleep and we get to the next day and the police briefing. Turns out the blonde is the boss and she is not impressed by Russel being distracted during her meeting. She chews him out a little but apparently he's a pretty decent profiler so she just tells him to straighten up and fly right. This kinda pisses him off a bit and he snaps at his partner a bit before somebody comes in asking to speak to him. Turns out to be a former victim's husband who just received a message from the wife he thought was dead a year ago.

      Aside from the fact that all he has is an e-mail which, and I'm no expert but hear me out, can pretty much be sent by anyone as long as they have access to his wife's e-mail account (which you kinda assume the sadistic killer that took her probably would gain at some point), Russel says he'll look into it and goes off to the meeting with the chief his ex and partner told him about. The chief is all about the budget and doesn't want to spend money on a task force for this even though they look like they've got a serial killer in their hands. He's swayed by the evidence of the e-mail and the fact that the severed arm is that of the first victim. Or it could be that the killer just severs arms and leaves them meaning the one they found was from the new victim and the evidence picture was from the year before. I think that's it.

      Russel goes and looks at the evidence from the old case and has a flashback to the freak-out that caused him to be suspended before. Some more drinking at home and he notices a small difference on the tape that... I guess the killer sent to them? Whatever, the tape was edited so he gathers up the team and they go to the motel room in the tape and start looking around. Good thing too 'cause they find a message, written in blood of course, underneath the carpet. It looks to be the same message that the killer was doing a voice-over of at the start.

      Oh dude, it's Kevin Pollack! He's playing Russel's therapist. Looking at the cover again, turns out this movie's got probably the most recognizable cast of the bunch. Aside from Pollack, there's Dwight Yoakam, and the blonde (who's name in the movie is Amanda) is Ben Stiller's wife in Meet The Parents and the blatant cash grab sequels. Maybe not A list but not too bad all things considered. Russel manages to out-sarcastic Kevin Pollack and that's not easy to do. It's actually a fairly entertaining scene until they decide to stop being sarcastic and get serious.
      Therapy over, we're treated to some “TV-style” police work. By that I mean he goes to the library to look up some stuff and then stands around looking at a bunch of pages his printed up and laid on the floor. Then looking at them from a different angle. Then waving his hands over them. That's not really how you go about getting information out of pieces of paper. A little bit of actual police work later, he confirms that the masks left on both victims were made by the same guy... probably. Also, the standard “enhance that image” making what appears on a tape suddenly clear.

      Then there's a naked guy being tortured by another naked guy. And there's a sheep there.

      Before too much more happens, there's also been some flashbacks going on mixed in with these last couple scenes that shows a ten or twelve year old boy making a paper mask, burying something bloody in the woods, and being hung from a wall while his deranged mother buried something else in a basement.

More of the Sarcasm Hour with Kevin Pollack. Although this time there's even less sarcasm and more serious therapy. They talk about a dream about buying a gun. There are hints that something happened to Russel when he was ten but they don't say what because, you know, dramatic tension and all.

      The naked guy is found murdered and with his arm cut off like the others. Although this time there's the twist that the guy was made to swallow his own semen before he was killed. So that's different.

      Back in therapy and we get Russel recounting part of the investigation from the year before. Turns out Amanda got abducted by a guy in a mask and when he found them the guy either ran off because he was startled, or hit Russel, took his gun, and it was Amanda that saved him by hitting the masked guy. He tells it both ways (it's implied it's the second one that's true) but that's all that's explained before we cut to him at home drinking and finding the quotes from Shakespeare the killer is leaving at the crime scenes. It's all from As You Like It and the murder scenes themselves are more references to the play.

      After finding out that somebody has dug up and stolen the dead body of his mother (I assume), Russel understandably freaks out a little bit at the office and then it cuts back to him sitting alone at home on a couch drinking. I'd criticize but that'd just be the pot calling the kettle African American. Also, he has a hot blonde come over and bring him Chinese food. I don't see that happening for me tonight so looks like Russel wins this round in the “functional” alcoholics battle. They end up in an argument and that ends with Amanda saying she still loves him as she storms out and he pours himself another drink. Sounds about right, actually.

      Kevin Pollack does some... questionable hypnosis stuff, but it seems to work and Russel starts talking about how his drunk dad got in an accident that ended up scaring Russel's mom when Russel was ten. The mom starts wearing a mask and acting differently, then she hangs herself and kid Russel finds her 'cause his dad's become a drunk.

      Now the killer calls and leaves a message to taunt both Russel and the first victim's husband. Also, Russel is drinking at work now. It's okay, though, 'cause it's after hours and when Amanda shows up she takes a swig out of the flask too. Then they start to get close 'cause having a serial killer call and say he's got your dead mother with him is a really great way to set the mood for some sex in the office. Russel does resist for a bit, but Amanda's not taking no for an answer and they end up in bed. Also, much as this movie is getting pretty formulaic and the writing isn't too great (although it's pulling ahead of Legend Of Sorrow Creek for best on this set), I do enjoy Russel's constant sarcastic wit and find the character quite relateable... although that's probably not a good sign now that I think about it.
      After a late night brain storming session (that's not a euphemism for sex), we're back in the police briefing room with the update that now they think there's more than one killer. They give a profile like they're reading for a part in the low-budget knock-off of Criminal Minds and we get another flashback of the young boy being suspended from the ceiling with his ankles and wrists chained behind his back.

      Kevin Pollack then plays the psychiatrist and wraps up everything that was going on in Russel's head (the dream about going to buy a gun, which meant suicide, why he was frozen when confronting the man in the mask, how he set himself up to let down the women in his life, etc etc) into a neat little package. I'm starting to think they filmed all of these scenes on one day in one take and led Kevin Pollack to believe it was going to just be one scene and then split it up like this afterwards. Not sure why since that makes very little sense but the idea's gotten into my head and refuses to leave.

      Another victim. This time at a speciality porn club where we meet Dwight Yoakam. And by “speciality” I mean that I guess the people that come there either cut themselves or pay someone to cut them among other things 'cause Dwight goes on a bit of a tale about how the guy coming in twice a week wearing a mask and cutting himself doesn't freak him out even when it's “long, deep, shit” where they “need someone there immediately or he'd hemorrhage out”. I guess not so much a victim as just a severed hand. And it turns out this guy that's the regular always shows up to cut himself at 2:13. The shock, I know.

      Another in the long line of moments of inspiration for Russel and he figures, thanks to a clue the killer left in the message, that the killer made the mask for his mom way back in the day (not so much a clue as the killer flat out saying “you've seen my work before”). That's when they find the next victim strung up from a tree with more lines from As You Like It posted on a tree.

      They end up getting a name and we get an explanation about what's going on in the flashbacks. Turns out the killer's dad used to beat up and cut the mom who took a knife while the kid was making the paper mask and sliced up the dad and buried him in the basement. After the mom was found and taken to the police station they found the kid chained up in the basement.

      Tying all the things together, they get to the old house the killer's family used to own that never got resold and find Russel's gun that he lost the year before in the fight in the woods. This really is starting to seem like it was an episode of Criminal Minds that wasn't good enough so they stretched it out, changed the names, and made it it's own movie. They also find both the mutilated but still alive first victim chained to the roof like the killer used to be, and Russel's dead mom (still dead) with her mask on wearing Amanda's lost earrings. This does not bode well for Amanda who isn't with them because she felt sick and needed to go home early.

      A non-revealing shower scene later, we find out that the killer is indeed in Amanda's place and has flipped one of the breakers cutting the power. After fixing that, Amanda goes and turns on a CD player. I only mention this 'cause she listens to harder (even if it still isn't very good) music than Russel does when he's alone. Between that and being the one that saved Russel's life in the woods, I'm going to go ahead and say that Amanda is the real bad-ass in their relationship.

      Russel's partner gets up to Amanda's apartment first because Russel was busy reloading his newly found gun (something he didn't bother doing on the way over) and promptly gets knocked out. It kinda shows how useless the character is in that he's been in a bout 2/3 of the scenes of the movie so far and I haven't bothered to mention him more than twice yet. His name is Jeffrey, by the way, but he doesn't look to play much more of a role in this.

      Amanda then gets caught and tied to the bed by the killer so now it's up to Russel to save the day. Good thing he's got enough time to do so because the killer feels the need to recite Shakespeare before doing anything. Also, you can really tell who's “made it” in Hollywood and who hasn't since Amanda, unlike any of the other victims, still has a shirt and underwear on when the killer has her tied up. Russel does show up to save the day and avenge his failure in the woods.

      All is well and the killer is in jail. But so is the first victim's husband and Russel comes to talk to him. The wife has apparently said it was him that cut her up. Russel then starts interrogating him by asking what the guy's mom looked like, what colour her eyes were, even stuff like what grammar school he went to and what his fourth grade teacher's name was. I know the rapid fire questions are designed to trip someone up because, if they're lying, the inconsistencies will reveal themselves, but as quick as he's asking these questions, I'd have trouble remembering my fourth grade teacher's name even if I wasn't trying to lie about it and I doubt I'd be able to do more than guess at my mom's eye colour. Seriously, are you really that close to your mom that often (bare in mind these are two guys in their 30s talking about moms that have been dead for years) that you not only notice but are obsessive enough to take note of her eye colour? Anyway, all that is just leading up to the big reveal that his wife had gotten pregnant with someone else's kid and he “became someone else”. The guy ends up “breaking” and flipping over to his other personality (or at least dropping the charade) and starts to reveal his cunning plan as all villains must in the last ten minutes of a movie.

      Also worth noting: even though Russel looks to be the older of the two of them by a good five to ten years, it's actually the other guy that's at least ten years older than Russel. And all the other victims (the wife aside... though probably her too) were actually at least that much older than Russel as well. Man, that drinking must have really done a number on Russ for him to look that shabby.

      After some more villain dialogue, Russel does Kevin Pollack's hypnosis trick on the killer and gets him to start remembering the stuff from when his mom killed his dad. Also, it kinda looks like the kid that played the young Michael Meyers in the Halloween remake might have had a thinner brother who played the young killer in this one. That might be creepier than this whole movie if it turned out there's a family out there whose two sons are acting based solely on their ability to look and act like serial killers at a young age.

      Uh-oh. It's 2:13 and the bad guy is acting like he's got another card to play. Time for a horror movie twist ending? Time for a horror movie twist ending. And Shakespeare. There's always time for more Shakespeare. Amanda drops dead from poison on the other side of the one way glass. The bad guy quotes more Shakespeare and then stabs a chunk of glass (it was part of the hypnosis) through his head. Much as you can understand why, you kinda have to think there's some sort of ethics charges coming against Russel for not doing anything to try and stop the guy from killing himself right in front of him while in police custody.

      That's pretty much it. I stand by my idea that this was a rejected script from Criminal Minds that they couldn't find a team member to give Russel's dead mom back story to. Also, what the fuck happened to the “multiple killers” thing? They came up with that idea 'cause it supposedly would have taken one guy several nights to dig up Russel's mom but then... nothing. I don't know, seems kinda flimsy all around. I'd accept this if it was a Criminal Minds episode just 'cause I know there's limits to what they can do in less than an hour of showtime so there have to be some leaps in logic made, but in a movie I expect a bit more effort. Frankly, I think Legend Of Sorrow Creek was the better of the two. That had technical problems and too much crying but also had a half decent movie in there somewhere. This had the “crime scene-police station-therapy session-Russel's home” scene list on repeater and could only hope to be the cast-off plot of an episode of a good TV show. I also wonder about the supposed critic quoted on the cover of this movie (the menu shows the covers from all four movies on the disk) saying “not since Seven and Silence Of The Lambs have I been this terrified”. There was not a single terrifying thing about this movie and neither of those movies were meant to be terrifying so much as psychologically thrilling. Some people... * shakes head *