Decadent Evil

      Now we come to the big boy of this collection. The whole reason I bought this DVD set and started this blog in the first place. Clocking in at only 67 minutes and not rated but with “adult situations, nudity, and violence”, the one, the only... Decadent Evil! Word for word from the back of the case: “a vampire named Morella feasts upon the blood of strip club clientele while housing her ex-lover Marvin -part human/part reptile- in a bird cage”. This is going to be so terrible I need to re-fill my drink already.

      Marvin is some kind of puppet! A poorly worked puppet at that. At least I assume that was Marvin, he's only on screen for about five seconds before we start in on some legend about a vampire named Ash. And these are Interview With The Vampire style vampires, all pompous looking. Anyway, Ash gets offed by someone but it turns out one of his vampire children came across the Atlantic to America looking to start her own clan. Also, Phil Fondacaro, who has previously appeared in both Evil Bong and Meridian and pretty much splits the work for male midgets in Hollywood right down the middle with Danny Woodburn, is in this as well. He's the top billed star. Nothing against the guy 'cause he's far more successful than I'll ever be, but if he's your top billed actor... things aren't looking up for your movie. That wasn't meant to be a short joke but then it kinda became one halfway through. I'm a terrible person. He's the voice of the narrator so far and, I assume, that's the voice of Marvin since the story would only seem to involve that male lead. Although Marvin was definitely a puppet or model of some kind and not an actor in make-up so maybe he was just paid to read the lines and go home. Wise choice if that is the case.

      After some rather impressive credits, we go right into the strip club where some greasy douche is trying to convince his date to come into the club with him. She seems reluctant but he tells her it's not as sleazy as it looks (it definitely is) and uses the line “after that dinner I bought you, and the cover charge? You're not going to make me eat that too, are you?” High class. I don't know why he's still on the dating scene at all, ladies need to lock up a winner like him.

      The strip club DJ just said “tipping is not a country in China”. That was probably on purpose, but... my god. More booze.

      Still as charming as ever, douche-bag of the year ignores his date's pleas to go home and gets her a lap dance from one of the strippers. It's okay, though, it was on the house and she seems to enjoy it so, you know... I guess ignoring when a girl says she wants to stop something and go home is rewarded? This is starting to sound like Meridian again.

      The lap dance is over but the stripper invites them both back to a party at a really high class looking mansion. This is a scene out of porn... but also something I think I've seen in horror before too. Anyway, we all know where this is going, of course, but let's see how it gets there. The girl is still a bit creeped out by the bedroom being lit by only a bunch of candles (and also some red lights, I guess, since that's what everything's tinted), but Douchy McDouchenstien keeps trying to convince her to go through with it and she eventually goes along with it. The two girls start messing around a bit with the guy just watching... and then another girl shows up and the stripper invites her to join. The guy is loving it (he still thinks he's in a porn), but then the newest girl slits his throat and drinks his blood. His day went from great to awful rather quickly. The girl gets away (for now), though, and runs through the house in her underwear while the stripper (who is also a vampire, in case you didn't guess) and the second girl are busy with their prey. I'm also pretty sure this was supposed to be a porn script in its first incarnation (start with a strip club full of nudity, proceed to a mansion and bedroom where what starts as a threesome ends in a foursome, vampire stuff happens, girl runs naked rather than in her underwear, etc), but somehow got re-done like this. If not... well it really should have.

      Marvin the poorly animated puppet makes another appearance! Underwear Blonde finds him in his cage and he turns out to be all of like a foot tall. Vampire lady then bites and kills her, but the real question here is: Marvin's that size and he's her ex-lover? Damn, that dude's punching above his weight class. Anyway, I guess they only need “three more”. And there's a “sister” (another vampire) to the stripper. Then a cut to another chick and some other random douche fucking.

      She gets up to leave afterwards and they talk like they're boyfriend and girlfriend and are making plans for the future. Maybe she's not a vampire and is supposed to be the heroine of the story? Time will tell.

      Okay, she is a vampire. But only a new vampire and she's in conflict with her “mom” because she's having “a relationship” with the mortal douche who looks like he should've been singing for Sugar Ray ten years ago. As blonde and cute and innocent as she's supposed to look (never mind that the first time she's on camera she's mid-fuck and how that might take away some of that “innocent” schtick), she just said “but it feels so right” when talking about her relationship. I can no longer like her character.

      Mom vampire tells her to stay away from that boy because she's “not punishing her, she's protecting her”. That always works well for any parent/authority figure in any movie or real life situation ever. Then mom Morella tells the story of Marvin and why she's “never again going to be subservient to mortal man”. Turns out he used to be a normal guy but then she found him cheating on her so she killed the other woman and turned him into the half-lizard/half-puppet he is now. Because vampires can do that. Why not?

      Apple ad placement, the first stripper is using a laptop with the Apple logo prominently displayed. Looks like Charles Band sold out in order to pay for this one. Although I suppose you need some corporate sponsorship in order to pay for the girls to go fully nude in the strip club (but not the bedroom scene when the real “actors” were involved) like they had. “Apple computers: paying for girls to get naked since 2005.”

      Anyway, she's on there chatting with some random guy in that generic chat program that shows up in every movie but isn't MSN or Yahoo or anything like that and looks just like she's typing in a word document. You know the one. So yeah, she's trying to arrange a meeting with “STUDBOY” (his actual screen name) by saying they should meet tonight. He then responds by saying he “doesn't know how much longer he can wait”. Sharp as a sack full of wet hammers this one. He finally clues in the second time she tells him tonight, and the agree to meet at the Full Moon Motel at midnight. She then says (out loud, not online so he would know it, mind you) “[she'll] do the ravaging, if you don't mind” even though there's been no mention of the word “ravaging” until now. Continuity!

      Sugar Ray wakes up to a knock at his door and it turns out to be Phil Fondacaro. Guess he's not supposed to be Marvin's voice, he's an investigator. A VAMPIRE INVESTIGATOR! He's been on the trail of these vampires since he was a kid because of what they did to his father. Then there's some back story that adds to the vampire mythos and we get an understanding of why Morella said “only three more”. Sugar Ray is convinced vampires exist and his girlfriend and her co-workers are some within a few minutes. But to be fair, Phil Fondacaro was wearing a fedora and trench coat while he explained it to him. Anyone sounds more convincing in a fedora and trench coat. Especially Phil Fondacaro.

      So “STUDBOY” turns out to be... not as he described himself online. I believe this is the first ever recorded incident of someone pretending to be someone they are not over the internet. The authorities must be alerted post haste! Good thing vampire/stripper “doesn't care about looks” and gets right down to business. That business being drinking his blood, obviously. Stupid STUDBOY, don't you know the internet can never be trusted?

      Phil Fondacaro is going all CSI on Sugar Ray's place. Using some random explanation that I can't be bothered to listen to, he's got a magic cross that points out where the vampires have been because they leave a trace on all their victims. It points to the bedroom. Just to the bag she left behind, though. Good thing it's not a black light, amirite?

      Mom vampire shows up and scolds stripper vampire for taking a victim she didn't get a chance to steal the soul of. Turns out this “daughter” is rebelling as well and doesn't want to be under her mom's thumb anymore. Doesn't work that way, though. Morella gets her way and tells stripper vampire to go find a new victim for her.

      In the meantime Sugar Ray and Phil Fondacaro show up to the mansion to confront his girlfriend about being a vampire. She admits it but hustles him out of there because Morella would hurt him. Phil decides it's time to get things done but Sugar Ray wants to go save his girl before all the vampire killing goes down. Phil relents (possibly because it would be hard for him to physically stop Sugar Ray anyway), and shakes a salt shaker full of garlic over Sugar Ray because, even though vampires do hate garlic, this bloodline can't smell it and it'll mask the scent of being mortal for about ten minutes. Because why not, at this point.

      Blonde girlfriend vampire just called Sugar Ray “Tex”. His name is Tex. That's probably more of a joke than me calling him Sugar Ray this whole time.

      Sugar Ray tries to save Blondie while she's only wearing a towel because he's “willing to take the chance if she is” that Morella would hunt her down if she survived Phil Fondacaro and came looking for her. A patented James Bond “one kiss and she'll do anything you want” later, and Blondie is packing her bags.

     Cut to stripper vampire bringing home a female prostitute (we know she's a prostitute because she says “now that you've got me home, do you want to tell me what kind of job this is?” while dressed in lingerie) to be the promised victim for Morella. I'm going to backtrack on my original theory that this whole movie was supposed to be a porn and say that, since the Sugar Ray-Phil Fondacaro-Blondie side of the story has not interacted with the Morella-stripper vampire-Marvin side of the story except for that one scene where Blondie is talking to Morella and then feeds Marvin, these were two different movies mashed up as one. The porn side had stripper vampire and Morella in it while the other side had a D-grade movie about Phil Fondacaro and Sugar Ray chasing vampires and trying to save Sugar Ray's girlfriend. Anyway, back to the actual scene. There's some terrible dialogue and the whore ends up handcuffed to the bed and topless asking for “another forty bucks” while Morella and stripper vampire say they want Blondie to be part of this too. Also, Marvin seems to have made his poorly animated way out of his cage and is making a play for the hooker while the others are out of the room.

      Blondie gets caught running away with Sugar Ray by stripper vampire (another ridiculously awesome sentence I never thought I'd get to write before these movies) and says “it's going to be nice watching [Morella] give it to your ass for once”. This was definitely a porno at some point. Uh-oh, the garlic seems to be wearing off as she starts to smell mortal... but ignores it and takes Blondie to see Morella.

      Now Marvin is poking his head over the side of the bed and going for the hooker's tits. She doesn't scream or anything, just slightly struggles until Morella comes and picks him up and puts him back into his cage. Now, I'm no expert, but even as a hooker that's been picked up by another girl, brought home to a mansion without being told what she was doing, introduced to another girl, and then handcuffed to a bed... don't you think having a miniature “part lizard” (the puppet doesn't actually look too much like a lizard at all, kinda more like a person that's had their skin burned off... I'm a terrible person) appear on the side of the bed and then start licking your tits would get you to at least scream a little bit? That's pretty damn jaded to the world if it doesn't. After locking Marvin away Morella kills the hooker and gags because she was a smoker and her “skin is going to be parched for certain”. Also, just to point it out, there was no reason for her to take the top off the hooker earlier, but she did anyway. Gratuitous nudity for the... win?

      Now Morella is on the hunt for Sugar Ray. Phil Fondacaro still nowhere to be seen. Oh, sorry, I guess his name is “Dex”. Must have misheard it. That's why we haven't seen Phil for a while. He's suddenly inexplicably in the same room as Blondie and her sister vampire even though Morella (who Phil has been chasing and sworn to kill since he was a kid) was just there and he did nothing. Best politically incorrect laugh in this scene: Phil's standing two steps above the girls, vampire stripper's bent over at the waist mocking him, and she's still taller than he is. It's going to be an awesome scene in a few minutes when he kills her. I assume it's going to be quick, this movie has been going for a while and, like I said, 67 minutes.

      Now Phil's bragging about killing some other vampire and this scene isn't turning out as awesome as it should have. Pretty lame, actually, and stripper vampire's lame acting skills continue in her lack of ability to die properly. Although I guess for some reason her dying hurts Morella. That actually makes more sense than the choreography of the death scene (which I won't go into 'cause it's too anti-climatic).

      And now Morella is reciting nursery rhymes (“fe fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a... human”). Just terrible. To be fair, Sugar Ray has just been standing around doing nothing this whole time, he kinda deserves to hear that.

      Now instead of killing Blondie the vampire while she's looking at the remains of her friend (which is a lot of smoke, as was to be expected, but also... some hair? Why not?), Phil Fondacaro the vampire hunter talks to her for a while before taking the stake and advancing on her menacingly. Again, the size difference makes this a bit too comical for words considering: A) he's too good an actor to deserve this; B) she could take about two steps and be out of his reach for the rest of the movie; and C) ...really? I mean... just... come on! Phil gets distracted by Marvin, though, and Blondie takes about two minutes too long to make her escape. She makes it out anyway, though. Also, turns out Marvin is Phil's dad... I guess.

      Morella does a “villains talk too much” speech after she's caught Sugar Ray which includes more than a healthy dose of man-bashing (“you could never be faithful to her”, “you'd just break her heart, that's what men do”, “part reptile, slimy, little snakes”, etc). Then we cut back to Phil Fondacaro talking to Marvin the poorly animated puppet who apparently can't talk. Then Morella throws Sugar Ray into the bedroom where everyone else is and even she makes a short joke when re-introduced to Phil's character after 30 years (which was when she used to babysit him while she was banging his dad... again: the porn scenes just write themselves at this point).

      I'm... I'm just captivated by how bad the writing and acting are. For being the climax of the whole movie where good fights evil to the death... there's a damn lot of talking and nothing else going on right now. Although Morella does call out “Dex” for being a stupid-ass name, so props to that.

      Phil Fondacaro deserves an Academy Award for this performance. Not because it's a great performance (it's not) or because he's playing a well-written and well-developed character to its full potential (seriously, look at everything about this movie and try to say “well-written and well-developed” in the same sentence), but just because he now manages to talk to Marvin the poorly animated puppet through the bird cage like a son addressing his father with at least a little bit of genuine feeling without cracking up and telling everyone around him to fuck off while all the puppet does is bob back and forth while someone in the sound department makes grunting almost sex-like sounds for it. Seriously, if that's not acting ability to top all of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s movies combined let alone his win, I don't know what is.

      Phil then sucks something off of Marvin's claw (a euphemism for a gay scene in this porno that never was?), and lets Morella suck his blood and kill him. His last words being calling her a bitch, of course. Now she only needs one more for her immortality.

      Wait. All of a sudden Blondie and Sugar Ray are already running away somewhere even though they were standing there the whole time everything else was going on? The fuck? And then Morella shows up and says it's going to be her and Blondie on the cruise Blondie and Sugar Ray were planning. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention before we saw the impressive escape, Morella is now feeling the effects of whatever it was that Phil Fondacaro sucked off his dad's finger and transferred to her through his blood. Suddenly this porn became a public service announcement about using protection.

      And... that's it. Morella turns into a “female” version of Marvin. Then there's a scene of the two poorly animated puppets fucking, and the credits roll. Seriously? There are about a hundred different ways to end the movie just based on that scene never mind if there was better writing leading up to it, and that's all that happens? I am not impressed.

      Although, to be fair, the movie lived up to being as bad as I thought it would be, so there's that.

Meridian

      No horror movie collection would be complete without a haunted castle and medieval curse. Luckily, Meridian has decided to provide us with both in one 86 minute show. One member of the cast of which goes simply by the name “Charlie”, so that's promising.

      Circus performers emerging from a stone mouth lit from the inside by an unknown source with smoke coming out of it. No context for that and the next scene is set inside a church so good to see coherency is going to be a theme here. This is another one made in the late 80s/early 90s but they've gone all out with this one 'cause they have people actually speaking Italian for the first five minutes so you know where it's set. High class.

      The two main chicks look almost interchangeable except for their hairstyles. This might become difficult to tell them apart later on after the alcohol has taken over and started writing the review. Anyway, one of them has inherited the family castle and invited her friend over for the weekend but she can't stay too long because she's restoring the painting that was donated to the church from the second scene. The big stone face is back too, by the way. This time with a bunch of other stone statues around it on the grounds of the castle. The legend being an evil wizard turned his enemies to stone and placed them around his castle that he built out of a mountain... in the 14^th century. Why not? Oh, and the circus performers are now doing their show in public on the castle grounds as well. I guess it all ties together quite nicely already, silly me for doubting this masterpiece. Some creepy music and the girl restoring the painting (“Girl 1” from now on since we saw her first) gets volunteered to have knives thrown at her in the sideshow. She doesn't get hurt of course, this is still too early in the movie for that. The sideshow goes on with some magic tricks that you'd expect from a free sideshow, and the leader of the bunch stares creepily at Girl 2 (the owner of the castle). Girl 1 seems pretty smitten with the sideshow's leader and she invites him and the rest of the troupe over to the castle for dinner. That works out fine since Girl 2 seems pretty smitten too so she goes along with it. For being Italian, though, he sure doesn't have the right accent. He does already seem to be scheming a way to bone the two of them either together or separately. He's more than a little bit of a douche, but hey, why not swing for the fences, right?

      Magic Man made a cup disappear in mid-air at dinner, that'd be mildly impressive to see. Then he seems to have roofied Girl 2 (sorry, it was Girl 1 that got the major dose of roofies; I'm not even drunk yet and I'm making that mistake already). I'm not such a big fan of his style anymore. Anyway, Magic Man rips open Girl 1's shirt and leaves her rolling around on the table, then carries off Girl 2, who is starting to feel the roofies herself now, through a smoke filled door into a bedroom and strips her down too.

      After stripping Girl 2 down and then walking out of the room when she started to wake up and respond to him (guess he only goes for the comatose girls), he passes one of the other performers (who has always been wearing a mask) and says she's “all his, ready and willing”... assuming you forget she's only like that because he drugged her. Turns out the masked guy looks exactly like him so when he goes in to see Girl 2 she's still okay with it since it's like it was her first rapist and not some totally different guy date raping her. The first guy then goes and gets with Girl 1 who managed to get her shirt back on (for a few seconds at least) and move over to a fire place with a conveniently located couch right by it. At this point between the music, poor lighting, and the general feel of the scenes I think they're trying to make this like the cover of a romance novel or something cheesy like that. Doesn't change the fact that it was just an excuse to have two pretty hot girls completely naked for a few minutes on screen and that they've both been raped in a what's supposed to be a romantic way. Also, the two guys turned into wolf-like creatures while they were fucking the girls. So that kinda kills the whole “romance novel” motif they were going for... at least, it would've if Twilight hadn't made bestiality like that hot to the half of the female population that's not into necrophilia.

      The girls wake up thinking “something terrible may have happened” and that they “might have been drugged” and Girl 1 apologizes to Girl 2 for inviting the performers over so at least the movie is kinda admitting the rape thing. But they then decide that they can't go to the police about it and go about trying to move on so it's not really setting too good an example. Girl 2 does this “moving on” thing by sculpting, but then she wanders into an old closed off area of the castle and sees a girl with blood all over her dress lying in a bed. Running to get her housekeeper, they return to find the girl isn't there and that it's “just an old ghost story, every castle has one”.

      Now one of the rapists is back and meets Girl 2 as she's out on a walk. He tries to convince her to see him again, but she doesn't want to for some reason. Doesn't do anything about it, though, just tells him to leave her alone and then walks away. I guess we're sticking with the “rape can be casually swept under the rug” motif of this movie.

      The rapists then have a conversation where it's implied that they're supernaturally old and have done this whole thing before and that one of them is “good” (a relative term, all things considered) and the other is “bad” and that there's a chance that whatever curse/spell their under can be broken by the girls.

Back in the castle, Girl 2 sees the Girl In The White Dress again, and follows her into an empty room. That then has a wall open up and shows her one of the wolf rapists carrying the White Dress Girl into the bedroom just like he did to Girl 2. Girl 2 promptly faints. She wakes up with the housekeeper and another servant looking over her and she starts crying because she knows what happened to her. Also, it turns out the White Dress Girl was Girl 2's father's sister and the housekeeper knew this even though she'd been telling Girl 2 that it was just a legend since Girl 2 was a kid. Way to go, housekeeper, knowing stuff like this might've helped out a few days before so that she could've avoided traveling sideshows in the first place.

      You know, for a movie that involves medieval curses, ghosts, two girls getting naked, and werewolf rape, this is progressing rather slowly. And not in the “it's moving slowly because they're building up psychological tension that's going to erupt later on” or in the “silent, slow burning, dramatic” kind of way either. Just really, really slow going like it's trying to be some sort of classical period piece but just failing miserably. It already feels like it's been longer than 86 minutes and I'm betting (my DVD player doesn't have a counter on it) we're not even halfway through yet.

      One of the rapists suddenly appears in Girl 2's room out of nowhere. He slaps her, ties her up, and then starts trying to rape her again. His twin shows up in wolf form, though, and stops him before he can actually rape her. He does rip her shirt open and slap her unconscious again, though. Funny how the one does seem to only go for the girls when they're completely knocked out.

      Through this whole time Girl 1 has been working away to restore the painting. So far she's found that underneath there's another painting and it's of the castle and now she's found what looks to be Girl 2 and the rapist sitting out in the field below it. That'll likely mean something later. Same with the backstory that the rapists get into with another conversation they have. Something about how only someone who loves them can kill them. It's important to the story but I can't be bothered to listen, there's drinking to be done and this movie is terrible for entirely different reasons than the other movies on here.

      The “good” rapist brother shows up to Girl 2's room and tries to convince her to kill him. She doesn't want to for some reason, but she refuses to be leave when he tells her to run away and never come back. He then changes into beast-mode and runs off back through the secret magic wall. Girl 2 then cries about it and then goes to confession at church. Seems like the thing to do when confronted by a 400+ year old rapist who transforms into a creature so why not? Oh, and the priest tells her thank you for the painting that the lady of the castle donated... and then drops the bombshell that the housekeeper's been dead for six months. This is apparently enough to throw Girl 2 over the edge because she starts packing up to leave. Housekeeper ghost then gives Girl 2 a speech about truth and making decisions that ends with Girl 2 saying she loves her rapist. So yeah, I'll let that one sink in for you a bit.

      Girl 2 then gets dressed up in the fancy medieval looking dress she was admiring before and walks through the magic wall into a secret passageway. There she sees the “bad” rapist killing her aunt in a vision and the “good” rapist explains the whole story behind the curse to her. She then tells him that she loves him and they kiss. Although it turns out that he's the “bad” rapist after all so that's pretty predictable aside from the whole rape victim falling in love with her attacker side plot.

      They end up in a standoff with the “bad” rapist pointing a knife at Girl 2's throat, the “good” rapist pointing a cross bow at him but unable to shoot because he's not a killer (funny how that's the line he doesn't want to cross even after centuries of raping girls and wanting them to kill him to break this curse), and then Girl 1 showing up and standing there looking on at all this while the midget from the circus act (yes, their act had other people who have all disappeared until just now and even now only one's shown up) gets in a whip fight with the “good” rapist. There is a midget whip fighting a werewolf and this movie still sucks.

      Girl 1's sole purpose here seems to be handing the crossbow back to the werewolf after he's tossed the midget aside so he can shoot his brother a couple times with it. That is literally all she did in this scene. Aside from being another pair of tits to show onscreen and just there to prove that there were two of them (the rapists, not the tits... although that too, I suppose), she really doesn't serve much purpose in this movie at all. Anyway, turns out that just killing the “bad” brother is enough to break the curse so the “good” one is free and there's some garbage romance novel dialogue about how much they love each other and blah blah blah blah blah. The rest of the circus go back into the stone mouth and the “good” rapist and Girl 2 follow them. The end. Seriously, that's the end. Rape is rewarded with freedom from a curse and “true love”, the circus troupe goes back wherever they came from having suddenly made-up with the guy one of them was whipping not two minutes before, and Girl 1's whole part of the movie can be summed up as “get naked, hand werewolf crossbow”. She spends the rest of the time restoring a painting that, despite being a “major” plot point, contributes absolutely nothing to the actual story. That's kind of fitting, I suppose.

      But to get back to the main point this movie seems to want to make: rape is a legitimate way to solve your problems. Whether it's a centuries old curse you need to get out from under or just trying to find that true love you've always wanted, nothing like some good old fashioned rape to do the job. At least the other terrible movies on here don't try to teach you lessons like that.