There is ominous music over top of the Paramount introductory credit so you KNOW shit is going to get real. Straight into the title after that, no bullshitting around with people's names or anything, that's how you know time is of the essence. After that we go to a fair ground on what we're told is “Green World Day” (sounds suspiciously made up) in Boston where the camera pans to see some douchebags in business suits (two guys and a girl (equal opportunity: women can be douchebags, too)) talking about a business deal with one of them even saying (while walking and looking slightly above the camera, of course) “let's go make three million dollars”. I get the feeling that's as low as the producers set their goals for this movie. Whatever the case is, he just collapses for no reason and then we hear a bunch of car horns and crashes and we pan back to the fair ground which is now in chaos with a bunch of other random people all collapsed for no reason. Something is afoot.
The University Of Chicago now where Mr. World's Most Cleft-Chin 1992-Present (inclusive) himself (Aaron Eckhart) is teaching a class about sound waves and how they change going through solids and blah blah “science”. Government agents show up and they need him to come with them because I guess he's clearly one of those rogue former government scientists that play by their own rules and are always around in movies. He goes to Washington and meets up with some other French scientist who's an old friend and they bullshit for a while and get walked into a room full of the dead bodies and a general telling them “everything is totally classified”. Turns out everyone that died had pacemakers and some more “science” talk from Eckhart to establish him as the genius of the piece since he figured out the pacemaker thing without any hints.
Cut to another civilian scene and we've got a bunch of pigeons falling dead out of the sky in London. I guess they're not “falling dead out of the sky” so much as “flying into things, dying, and falling out of the sky” but, you know, same difference. Eckhart is starting to put things together when he sees the news coverage of this and makes some comment to one of his lab monkeys to search the internet for a bunch of different stuff all relating to magnetic fields and animals that interact with them going screwy. I wouldn't bring that up except he says it and the other guy is “that's a hell of a search” and Eckhart says something like “well use that big T1 line, that's why we got it put in”. Now, I don't speak IT-Nerd that well and this movie IS from 2003, but even I know that the number of terms and the specificity of your search aren't effected by the speed of your internet connection. At this point I hope they show the guy on the computer and he's using like Netscape and clicks on an Angelfire page or something. That would make this whole movie worth it.
The poorly-early-2000s-CGI'd space shuttle is doing stuff now. Not sure what yet but there's a black astronaut at the controls so everyone cheer for diversity and/or make some type of Archer reference. Also, he may be gay with his white co-pilot as they both just sort of reach out and hold hands for a second. Holy crap: gay, black, astronaut in an inter-racial couple? I think Gene Roddenberry's head just exploded from beyond the grave that's so sci-fi inclusive. Hilary Swank is also aboard the space shuttle. They talk for a bit and it turns out she's the space hot-shot to Eckhart's “science” hot-shot. I'm sure this is more coincidence than over-the-top running theme for the people they feature in this movie. Now the shuttle is in trouble because they're out of position by a lot due to the magnetic fields or something and are now coming in for a hot landing over L.A. instead of in Florida (“Michael Bay Science”). Hilary Swank is going to save the day because nobody else has any ideas. They action sequence land in the same place where John Conner escaped T2 on his dirt bike (with a T1 assist on the escape) and I need to check the credits on IMDB again just to make sure Michael Bay really wasn't involved in this. Actually, I don't. Nothing exploded in the landing so there's no way he did. Moving on.
Eckhart is confronting some douchey ass-hat about his findings and
the ass-hat is confirming the findings even though he can't believe
them because (and we're about to get to the big reveal)...
...in a bit...
...suspense by long camera shots and more Hilary Swank...
...there are Northern Lights in Washington DC which... I assume
isn't normal? I've never been there and there are Northern Lights
here all the time so I wouldn't be weirded out if I saw them and have
no context for why that's strange except the idea that WDC is pretty
far south.
...Okay,
we may
be getting to the reveal here. We get Eckhart brought into the Dr.
Strangelove war room where all the military brass is gathered plus
the douchy ass-hat from before who is apparently the “science”
advisor or whatever and is established as even more of a dick-bag
because he's claimed Eckhart's research as his own and has brought
Eckhart in as a “contributor to [his] work” rather than as the
guy that told him about it. I think we've figured out who's the
villain of the piece.
The stakes of the movie: “everyone on Earth is dead in a year”.
Why? Wait for a bit, there's “science” being explained by way
of comparing the layers of the Earth to the skin-meat-core of a peach
because holy shit does this ever sound like a 60s Star Trek
explanation! Anyway, the core of the Earth has stopped spinning so
shit is getting real. “Three months, gentlemen, and we're back in
the stone age. A full year, the [EM] field collapses, and [a
ridiculously unnecessary demonstration involving a can of hairspray,
a lighter, and the peach/Earth model] happens”.
A
WHOLE BUNCH of “there's no way we can fix this” talk, the phrase
“we're talking about jump starting the planet” is used
(seriously), some more “this can't be done” lines, followed by
(and this IS a quote): “yes... but what if we could?”
Helicopter flying across the desert towards a mountain range with
build-up music playing!
This really is “Armageddon: The Other Way” the movie.
Delroy Lindo is in this as a crazy black scientist why has a
“legendary ship” that might be able to drill deep enough to get
to the core. He has lower grade prototypes made up already and
people are impressed (they literally say as much). More Michael Bay
Science (“MBS” from here on out... which I just realized is funny
'cause it could mean “Major Bull Shit”, too) and the new element
Delroy Lindo has created in the desert as a poor man after being
discredited by science and stripped of all grants is (literally)
called “Unobtainium” because fuck subtlety, and we get to the
scene from the trailer that was meant to hook people in.:
General: “What would it take to get it done in three months?”
Lindo: [laughing] “15 billion dollars.” [laughing continues]
General: “Will you take a cheque?”
...And... scene.
Now we start to assemble the team by playing horrible techno and
seeing a junk-filled apartment with at least five computer screens
and keyboards that the new guy is trying to “purge” as the
federal agents get to his door. Ohhhhhh..... I 'm going to bet this
guy is the “hacker”....! This really is awful techno; I can't
stress that enough. It's DJ Qualls because of course it is. Dude's
entire career is based around the words “nerdy”, “hacker”,
and “meth-head-looking”. Props to him 'cause he's been in a LOT
of shit based on nothing but being too scrawny to actually live if
you're not some type of D&D wizard. Anyway, a bunch of nerd
jokes (including a “you're not here to kill me, are you? 'Cause I
was really hoping to have sex before that happens” bit which is
'funny' 'cause the dude's like 25 in this and they've already
established his graduated from university), he's the best of the best
of the best and... my god are we still in Hackers style ideas about
what computers can do? Qualls says: “you want me to hack the
planet?” and... wow.
Side
note: throwing up pop culture references in your movie is something I
totally endorse, but... come on. Aim a BIT higher than Hackers which
is a god-awful movie in its own right (almost as bad as Toy Soldiers
which was another 90s movie about a hacker kid who went Home Alone on
terrorists that took over his elite boarding school but is not to be
confused with Small Soldiers which is about action figures coming to
life and going Home Alone on a suburban family... and it is just
now dawning on me how many ridiculous 90s movies I know...) because
seriously: if you're going to set he bar as low as Hackers... and
then fail to clear it... you are going to be judged SOOOO poorly.
Back to the movie: One more nerd joke (“IF I decide to do this,
I'm going to need an unlimited supply of Xena [oh the 90s] tapes...
and hot pockets”) and we're back into Hilary Swank stuff because I
really do think at this point this Oscar winner had no idea what she
was signing on for and saw the “pilot the space shuttle for an
emergency landing in LA” and signed on without reading the rest of
the script. ...she really should have read the rest of the script.
The “Avengers” (“Planeteers”? “Other reference”?) have
assembled and this is just a weird transition scene between
introducing everyone and getting on the Fantastic Voyage To The
Center Of The Earth and other 60s sci-fi references. Oh: I'm going
to call douchy ass-hat “Dr. Smith” from now on because Lost In
Space. Also, in case Star Trek fans were feeling neglected after
that “the Earth is a peach” metaphor was seemingly the only shout
out they got: Alfre Woodard is in it as mission control (...she's in
“First Contact”, fuck off that's a great movie). But yeah:
training montage mixed with Eckhart's voice-over explaining the MBS
of it all for the next three months. Dr. Smith has some lines that
make it obvious shit is going to go wrong and it'll be his fault.
Also: one hacker shuts down the 2003 internet so that the public has
no idea any of this “restart the core” shit is going on. Because
fuck logic at this point, everything is stupid. Also also: Eckhart
and Swank are developing a “relationship” because it's a big
budget movie and they're the two stars. I REALLY want to skip ahead
more...
So I will. (fuck you, it's my review, I do what I want). Worldwide
destruction begins, people know about the threat, blah blah blah,
Armageddon In Reverse.
There are six people in the ship (Qualls is back in mission control
so it's Eckhart, Swank, Lindo, Eckhart's French friend from the
start, Dr. Smith, and the white guy that may have been in the
homosexual relationship on the space shuttle who turns out was the
commander of the ship and pilot and... look, he's here and we need
some people to die along the way, okay?) and we're on our way.
Whales start causing shit 'cause apparently no one learned the lesson
of Star Trek IV except the whales since they don't so much 'cause
shit” as “help them save the planet with their song” because
MBS (...that time I think major bull shit is the one).
I can't get over how stupid some of the CGI is. Like... the best
way to describe it is... their “ship” looks like the microscoped
up version of a sperm which is apparently caught in a wind tunnel.
I should end this blog RIGHT NOW because there's nothing I can say
to top that.
Since I'm an alcoholic and won't give up a reason to drink so
easily, I'll keep going. They make it through the crust and start
drilling their way towards the core based on Lindo's technology and,
I assume, “magic”. They've got a couple days to go before they
get into the core, so NOW we get to the best part of
action/disaster/save-the-world movies: HUMAN DRAMA! ...I'm as
excited as you are, shut up and let's deal with it.
They really do make every scene outside the ship look like sci-fi
space from... the 1900s? There's a lot of crystals and such going on
but a whole lot of “space ships in space” as well. Diamonds
finally stop them for a while because obviously they're the hardest
thing ever and blah blah blah MBS.
“We need to go outside and the only way out is through the
propellers on the back of the ship... which we'll turn off with the
liquid nitrogen to freeze those propellers even though we need it to
keep us cool from the intense heat of the Earth's core that we're
buying into.” MBS. Also: the way they test if the “suits”
they have can withstand the pressure of however deep they are is by
going outside into however deep they are in the suits... several of
them... at one time... without testing it beforehand. Are we SURE
these guys are the best there is?
Lasers solve everything... unless they're the lasers that were on
the ship which were specifically designed to solve everything they'd
face... and also cutting into the floor with lasers somehow lets
magma in from the roof. With lasers. MBS. Holy shit they'd all be
dead immediately. I mean, with real science. Lava that close and
them in dumb space suits that take pressure for no reason? All dead.
Anyway, Eckhart almost sacrifices himself to get the ship going
again, but they save him at the last second and- WOW. Fuck
everything. Triumphant music plays as people stand RIGHT ON THE EDGE
OF THE LAVA IN THE EARTH'S CORE and deliver a speech directing the
people inside the indestructible laser-powered ship what to do. I
have to check if I'm looking at a movie OR the living embodiment of
an Iron Maiden album cover. ...is that Eddy in one of the suits...?
...It is now seeing as the white commander of the space shuttle
that may or may not have been homosexually involved with the black
astronaut that hasn't been seen since that first scene is now dead
and boiled skin from face in a couple seconds as he falls dead into
the lava because- Well.. there's no way to make this easy, but...
science won. MBS tried hard, but in the end, the guy remembered that
standing on the lip of a magma pool is pretty much a BILLION degrees
C or F and you're dead. So he collapsed into it and we get to see
Swank as the only one who didn't know this was going to happen.
MBS keeps Eckhart alive and we continue the movie. And now he's got
his shirt off and Hilary Swank is weepy over her mentor dying and...
come on, dude. Even I can put my hormones away for a bit (especially
around Hilary Swank). This IS the best scene of the movie since the
two best actors are trying their hardest to pretend there's some
chemistry between them as they're trying to save the world.
...Hilary Swank won another Oscar after this movie. Aaron Eckhart
was a BADASS Two-Face in Dark Knight and ran house in Thank You For
Smoking. Let this be a lesson to everyone: you can be in a shitty
movie and still turn your acting career around.
...Did anyone EVER have countdown clocks with giant numbers in lime
green?
“We're dodging diamonds the size of Cape Cod, so bear with me
here” is a line. This movie is all of that. Also: French friend
got cut out and left behind because the section of the ship got
damaged and he was behind and... nope. Manual override is bullshit.
French is dead. To be fair: “crushed to death by the Earth's core
as you fight against all of nature and humanity” is pretty much the
best way to die. Ever. Eckhart cries at Swank because she left the
blast doors down and Frenchie died, but holy hell: if you were going
to die, would you not want it to be as a hero on the quest to save
the planet? Get over your sad, Harvey Dent, the fate of the world is
in your hands and the girl you want to hate bang is driving the only
ship that can save us all... ...if any part of that sentence were
ever to be true... We would all be dead.
I forgot to mention: Eckhart is in a “Canadian tuxedo”. i.e.: a
blue jean jacket and blue jeans and an matching shirt. It's odd.
And a weird thing that I noticed. Either way he's back but with just
a black T and jeans on. Now he's gone rogue... again.
Now they're getting to the core of the matter. Things are looking
up because MBS and their calculations of MBS and... yeah, things are
going to go wrong. 3... 2... 1...
...“are you telling me the 1,000 megatons of nuclear warheads we
haul down here isn't going to cut it?” + “no”. Everyone is
sad, MBS is spouted, Dr. Smith tries to talk people into going home
(which.. I mean... you're in a one way drill to the centre of the
Earth... “dig up, stupid”?), and... there's a “doomsday device”
style thing going on (“Dr. Strangelove”) and... yup. This is
where this is going.
Eckhart and Swank want to nobly sacrifice themselves for the random
idea that the original plan (which failed) might work if they keep
trying it. Ass-hat raises the point that they're idiots and heroic
sacrifices only work in movies. Thankfully, it's a movie. So Hilary
Swank says “majority rules”, the vote is two against one,
Hollywood American flags fly and fireworks spout off to the sounds of
the Star Spangled Banner.
What actually happens: Ass hat gets knocked out by Lindo, and they
all go in for the core restart and... Hollywood loophole so that
Qualls doesn't have to detonate the nukes.
This next scene makes it seem like everyone in San Fran will be dead
anyway.
...And now they're at the last second of anything and the government
is against then and... yeah. They win. This is a stupid movie.
There's so much dumb shit... Dr Smith keeps going on about trying to
keep himself alive (Stanley Tucci is THE BEST character actor ever,
by the way), Lindo punches him out because of course, and we all end
up with the Core people riding a shockwave out like Lando Callrissian
in Return Of The Jedi.
End with Qualls telling the world how they saved the world in the
worst computer graphics you've ever seen. The End with a stupid hat.
This movie sucks.
