Because I obviously hate myself and have some serious personal
issues I really should deal with, we're back with part two of Zombie
Christ. Just to add a bit extra to this review, on top of the
tequila and vodka, I'm also sick. But hey, it's not like combining
booze and cold medicine ever hurt anyone before, right? I'd recap
the first part of the review except I'm lazy so fuck that. If you
want to know what happened before this so you can follow the “plot”
better, go read the first part on your own time.
So with the typical level of completely no transition, we go from
the beach scene to some girl taking her clothes off in front of some
random guy lying on a bed. He is not impressed even though the girl
is really good looking and he's just some fat dick. I guess they've
been dating for a while or something since after she strips they get
in a fight about who was supposed to go down on the other first.
People really fight about that? That's a pretty big warning sign
that the relationship may have run its course, to my mind. Neither
of them end up doing anything and the girl wanders out of the bedroom
down the hall because now is the perfect time to go check the closet
for skeletons. As you may have guessed, Zombie Christ is in the
closet. This somehow leads to another fight about whether the girl
is funny or not. She lies on the ground, does some even weirder
convulsions than Heroin Blonde did, and Zombie Christ sucks out her
soul. At this point the guy walks in and says, in the calmest voice
ever, that he “can't believe what he just saw”. Some poor
effects later, he's now blind. End scene.
A new girl is now walking around her house (with clothes on this
time). That's when Baldy swoops in from just off screen (note: not
from outside or anywhere, just off screen so he was obviously
somewhere in the room with her) and grabs hold of her. With his hand
over her mouth he says he's “just here to protect her”. He then
proceeds to tie her up and put tape over her mouth. All seems like
things a normal, sane person there to protect her from crazy, evil
forces would do. Next up is a long-winded monologue where he
mentions, once again, that he's a scholar and some other crazy
sounding crap that's meant to give depth to the story. I didn't
really listen and it's probably just as well since one of the lines I
did hear was, right after saying he was a scholar but well after all
the other crazy bullshit, he says that “that part of the story
might sound crazy” so I make the executive decision to break out
the tequila. And now he's saying this has something to do with the
Druids and all these naked girls that are being killed are the
descendants of Jesus and BBQ Christ won't rest until he's killed all
of them. Please note that missing so far from this movie has been:
A) any male descendents which, just by the law of averages, you'd
think there would be at least a couple lying around; and B) Druids.
The girl is at least not an idiot. She figures Baldy is a
nutcase and talks to him in a calm, soothing voice, and tries to
reason with him to untie her and call for professional help for
himself. She's also still wearing clothes (although that might be
more because she's tied up than anything else) which is different
than any other chick in this movie (except Detective Zebra Print who
we haven't seen again) so she's probably a bit of a main character
from here on out. Odd as it may seem, the crazy scholar doesn't
really respond to reasoning. Time for a cunning plan...
She agrees to go with him and says she trusts him, causing him to
untie her. Baldy's name is Michael (still going to call him Baldy)
and for the THIRD TIME he mentions specifically that he's a scholar.
This time he adds “renegade” to the title scholar. That made me
laugh; just picturing a “renegade scholar” with a leather jacket
and sunglasses smoking a cigarette while leaning against a motorcycle
and leafing through pages of a history book or something. Anyway, as
soon as he's untied her she kick him in the... air between his legs.
That's not a joke about his masculinity, that's literally as far up
as her leg gets when kicking at him. He falls to the ground like she
kicked him in the nuts, though, so close enough.
As she gets up to run off, BBQ Jesus is also suddenly in the room
with them. Does this girl's house just not have a wall or something?
All these people just randomly showing up there without going
through a door or window or anything that might cause a noise for
others to hear. Maybe it's some type of holographic projection of a
wall? That's why nobody notices BBQ Jesus walking up to them since
they can't see him until after he's walked through the projection.
That would explain how Baldy got the drop on her inside her own
house. Whatever, it's time for another shot. Whether it's cold
medicine or tequila is the real question.
Definitely tequila since they're now trying to establish that
Zombie Christ thinks this girl looks like the Mary Magdalene from the
flashback (so... good job making one scene have continuity with
another scene, I guess?) even though, and I can't stress this enough,
THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE.
Baldy recovers enough to knock the Halloween decoration into the
chair previously used to tie up the girl, and he and said girl run
off out of the room down the hallway. Why they don't just use the
hologram wall to escape I don't know. It must only work to let
people into the house rather than out of it. Seems like a design
flaw if you ask me. I mean, wouldn't you rather have the ability to
leave your house through the wall rather than let intruders inside
without seeing them? Someone must have installed it backwards. Lazy
contractors.
Uh
oh, Sexy Nun Alert. It's a good thing too, this movie went a whole
ten minutes or so without some random girl getting naked and that's
what I assume is going to happen here. Judging by the fact that
Zombie Christ shows up and her habit (that's what a nun's robes are
called, look it up) suddenly lifts up to reveal butterfly underwear
(seems a bit of an odd choice for a non-stripper nun), I think it's
safe to say I'm right. And a close-up shot of the underwear coming
down to reveal that she's fully shaved and waxed proves me right. On
a side note, this seems odd. I mean, the butterfly underwear, the
waxed off pubes, this is on the girl you cast as the nun? Granted I
don't have any first hand experience in the intimate grooming habits
of nuns, but it really seems like this is out of place. Why not have
one of the girls from earlier in the movie who (for whatever terrible
issues with their father they have) were just as willing to go full
frontal but also had a bit of a bush going? As the scene progresses,
you learn why none of the other girls were cast as the nun. She's
first fingered by the skeleton (at this point her tits come out for
no explicable reason and pretty much in defiance of how her robes are
supposed to work) which is probably not nearly as bad as pretending
to get shit dug out of your ass by a BBQ sauce covered Halloween
decoration, but then we move onto her getting her tits “sucked”
by the skeleton and her being fucked by... (place your bets...)
A
raw chicken wing. I couldn't even make that up if I tried. There
was simply an open package of uncooked chicken wings lying around
and, since Zombie Christ didn't have a penis, he grabbed on of those,
somehow attached it to his hip bones, and proceeded to fuck the (is
it safe to call her “slutty” at this point? Given how the scene
builds up, I think it is) nun with the boney end of the raw chicken
wing. There is no way she doesn't have salmonella C (like hepatitis
but from raw meat) or bird flu or something now. Just to give you a
look into how sad and strange my life is, that's not even close to
the weirdest thing I've seen a girl put up herself on the internet.
Don't judge me, it was other people looking that shit up, I just
happened to be there to see it. ...I know some weird
people.
Zombie
Christ eats her soul while she's lying there writhing around in the
midst of an orgasm and the scene changes and we all move on and
forget that I brought up girls being so desperate for money or so
fucked up sexually that they inserted things weirder than raw chicken
into their vaginas... and other places.
Baldy
and... I'm just going to call her “Mary” are out in the woods and
Baldy is going on some “scholarly” lecture about random Biblical
crap and gets irritated at Mary when she starts interjecting with
questions and observations. He ends up re-writing the concept of the
Last Supper as a political supper between- blah, more tequila because
this is just getting silly and the smug look on Mary's face when
she's “acting” and trying to justify there being two people in
this scene rather than just Baldy ranting to himself like a lunatic
is irritating. Oh, just to show off that he's really a scholar,
Baldy has read the Dead Sea Scrolls. He said so himself. He's a
scholar, by the way. I don't know if you know that or not, but he's
totally a scholar. And a renegade one, too.
Oh
my god; they just had an argument about the semantics of language and
phrases. I'm going to make a new sweeping declaration about this
movie: the whole thing was made just because the writer/director
(can't remember if I said it before, but he goes by the name Bill
Zebub) has a personal beef against the phrase “quite a few” since
“a few” is always a small number but the term “quite a few”
has come to mean several. If this is actually the case, I'm going to
change my description of this movie from “possibly the worst ever
made” to “absolutely fucking genius”. This is like Tolkien
writing Lord Of The Rings as an excuse to show off his made up elf
language (seriously; he wrote those long-winded books everyone but me
seems to think are the greatest thing ever just
to show off the language he made up) and spawning all fantasy writing
ever. Need to air your beef with one particular phrase in the
English language that doesn't make sense when you break it down (of
which there are... all of them)? Why not base a movie full of naked
hot chicks around it to get your point across?
Sadly,
I really doubt this is the case since they just move on from it.
Such a shame. What we do get is some more “everyone else is
sheeple; I'm better and smarter because I say things like 'history
isn't true' and tell people to question everything without actually
having any real facts or anything behind my mindset” rhetoric. Oh,
and we find out the chick's name really is Mary so I guess good on me
for either subconsciously remembering that or just guessing it since
every woman of any significance in a story about Jesus is named Mary.
One
more topless chick lying down on the floor and doing weird, overly
sexualized convulsions while Zombie Jesus eats her soul mixed with a
flashback of Mary Magdalene walking through the forest. We're only a
bit more than halfway through this movie, by the way.
Some
new chick gets woken up off a futon by a greasy looking guy telling
her not to be alarmed. For the sake of making this only a two part
review rather than even more, I'll sum this scene up as: she gets up,
takes off some clothes (no nudity), talks with this guy since he's a
Guardian or Warrior or whatever. She ends up killing him since she's
an Assassin who already killed whatever girl was there before the guy
showed up. Also: she gives a speech about how women are bitches and
not to be trusted. Mr. Zebub must have had a bad breakup or
something while writing that scene.
New
girl getting her soul eaten. This one is in her underwear and in the
kitchen. It honestly looks like it's somebody's grandma's kitchen.
I can just picture the production crew (re: Bill Zebub with a camera
and enough drugs to convince the girl to come along) sneaking into
his grandma's house to film the scene of a girl in her underwear
flailing (in a well controlled manner) around on the the kitchen
floor and having grandma walk in with the groceries. “Grandma!
I'm trying to make a movie here! Gosh!”
Anyway,
a little more of the Assassin talking about how she hates men
(definitely a stand in for an ex-girlfriend) and we switch to a
montage of Baldy and Mary walking through the forest. And walking
through the forest. And making camp in the forest. And walking
through the forest. And making camp and changing clothes in the
forest. And walking through the forest. My Lord Of The Rings
comparison might not have been so far off since all these fuckers
ever do is walk just like in those movies.
Zombie
Christ shows up in the offices of a priest. We get a
priest/pedophile joke, and Zombie Christ deep throats a rubber dildo
(interesting that there's a chick getting violated with a chicken
wing but they can't bring themselves to show a dick onscreen) for a
while just because they want to be “controversial” or whatever,
and then he bites it off... or does something else to kill the
priest. It's hard to say given that the acting is so terrible and
all we see is some CGI blood against the camera as the priest goes
limp.
Some
time has passed... I guess. Stockholm Syndrome has set in and Mary
and Baldy about trying to save other girls from her bloodline. Also,
she has a water bottle. This isn't important except for the fact
that where the fuck did she get a water bottle in the middle of the
forest when they're trying to stay away from everyone and everything
else? That pisses me off more than the rest of this nonsense for
some reason.
Zombie
Christ shows up to say Mary is the last of her bloodline. Baldy...
tries to defend her by... I don't even know anymore. There's some
CGI fire. Hey! The girl that got the shit dug out of her is back!
...to get more shit dug out of her, I guess. All that happens is she
opens a door and says “oh no! Not again!” and then we cut to some
naked chicks tied up to crosses in the middle of the forest. And one
girl has a shawl on. Not covering herself, just on her arms. I feel
there's a Monty Python's Life Of Brian like explanation (the guy
being crucified in the blanket in that movie did so because it was
too fucking cold for him to be out there in just a loincloth). A
bunch of shots of the various girls naked bits follow. One of them
even tries to struggle against the ropes for a bit. It's cute and
sad that she thinks actually acting with help her career in the
future.
This
just keeps going. It's like the first scene of the movie where the
naked chicks in the forest just kept going and there's nothing to
contextualize it at all. Again: what would you do if you were just
out in the wilds of New Jersey hiking and came across like four or
five (I wasn't paying attention to how many) naked girls strung up on
crosses? If nothing else, you get a free show since they're strung
up and can't cover themselves unlike the girls from the start who
could just try and duck down and hide if someone came along. The
point I'm getting at is, there are a bunch of mind-boggling moments
in this movie's production and not just for the reasons of how
mind-bogglingly terrible the script is.
Mary
and Baldy are still out in the forest and now their drinking wine out
of wine glasses and Stockholm Syndrome and they make out. Again:
they're on the run from everyone and everything, and now they have
wine and wine glasses. And Mary takes her shirt off so I guess no
one should notice the wine glasses thing? Definitely not since she's
taking her pants off, but Baldy's got the creepiest look on his face
during this scene so it's difficult to take it as anything other than
Stockholm Syndrome. Scholar. Just thought I'd say that word since I
seem to be bringing up Stockholm Syndrome as much as Baldy keeps
bringing up that he's a scholar. My bad.
Zombie
Christ shows up while Mary is still in her underwear so extra props
to her for getting her contract to say “no nudity” in it.
Now
Mary “remembers” her life as Mary Magdalene and Baldy is holding
a knife to Mary's throat and... so... much.. bullshit. Baldy stabs
Mary because Zombie Christ is controlling his mind. Then he runs off
as she collapses to the ground and Zombie Christ drags her off
through the forest. I am SO nearly done with this movie again but
there's only like half an hour left and I know for a fact the last
10-15 minutes of that is previews for other movies and there's
credits before that so... Tequila!
Baldy
is wandering through the forest and “finding himself”. He
obviously goes back to try and help Mary because fuck everything at
this point. Let's all just ride out the rest of this movie without
mentioning how he's “tracking” Zombie Jesus and Mary and how
she's... I don't even know anymore. She wants to die to save Baldy;
Baldy wants to die to save her; No one involved in this movie wants
anything to do with life. That last one is just my extrapolation of
OH MY GOD FIRE! Baldy got burned up and, much like the rest of this
movie, the ending makes no fucking sense. Just a bunch of random
shots set to music but this time with video effects.
I
swear to god, I know a lot of the death metal guys around town here,
and can provide a video camera so if the girls from the scene are
ever as dumb/desperate as these girls, we can make a movie similar in
quality to this anytime. I won't even bother trying to write a
coherent script since clearly that falls lower on the priority scale
than “naked girls”, “death metal music”, “naked girls”,
“having a camera to film things”, “naked girls”, “death
metal for the soundtrack”, and “have we mentioned needing naked
girls?”.
Mary
suddenly gets revived and starts making out with Jesus except he's
the old guy version but with a better wig than he had on last time we
saw him. She's still in her underwear, in case you were wondering.
Oh, and she now has magical powers since she turned old Guy Jesus
into Skeleton Jesus into Not There Because He's Banished Forever To
Wherever Convenient Plot Devices Come From Jesus.
And
now she conjures up Baldy but not clothes for herself because fuck
logic and everything else in this movie. They have sex (implied),
she keeps her underwear on, and Baldy is the one wrapped in the
blanket for the post-coital scene. A whole bunch of bullshit. Roll
credits. Fuck everything.
The
credits include:
Third
listed: “Cunilingless Girlfriend”
Fourth
listed: “Fisted Woman”
“Squeamish
Boyfriend”
“Swimmer”
Various
other roles followed by numbers.
Bill
Zebub's name four times which accounts for every major production
credit.
A
link to a site where the crucifixion victims were found (that's
pretty soul crushing, though not unexpected, by the way; there's a
site where you can order up women to pretend to get crucified).
And
then a list of the bands that provided music (and I'm going to go
ahead and assume groupies) for the movie.
Bill
Zebub does provide a link to his own website and even an actual
physical mailing address for himself if you want to get in touch with
him, though. So... I guess props for not trying to hide. Most
people wouldn't put their P.O. Box out there. I mean, sure you could
try and hide behind some ridiculous made up name and the fact that
anyone can register a website, but to give out your physical post
office box address? You're hiding nothing. Good for you, sir. I
would like to make your acquaintance and become part of the crew that
field tests these actresses abilities.
Now
onto the previews.
Actually,
no. No more of this, I'm done. The previews can be broken into two
camps: biographical videos of metal bands, and exploitation movies
that border on porn. The money from one probably funds the other...
but which way the money flows is likely up for debate.
A
list of the movies previewed:
Assmonster
Bad
Acid
Breaking
Her Will (this one is literally
rape/BDSM porn)
...some
un-named death metal documentary
Dirtbags:
Evil Never Felt So Good
Into
Thy Hands aka: Jesus Christ Serial Rapist (this is also BDSM porn but
with anti-Christian... “overtones” is too subtle a word... “Bill
Zebub has issues with Christianity and wants to shock his viewers”
is too accurate... something in the middle of those.
Metalheads:
the God, the Bad, & The EVIL (all capitalization theirs...
despite the title, this is one of the semi-porn ones, not a
documentary)
Pagan
Metal: A Documentary
Night
Of The Pumpkin
Ravage
the Scream Queen
Metal
Retardation (documentary)
...some
lesbian BDSM that they don't provide a title for
The
Worst Horror Movie Ever Made
And
that's the end. I really hope everyone died a little bit (re: a LOT)
inside while reading these two parts of a review. I hate you all.
This movie has ALMOST ruined hot naked girls for me since now I'm
going to have to realize there are hot girls willing to get naked for
no reason and yet I am still single. On the other hand... it puts
hope out there since, hey: there are hot girls willing to get naked
for no reason. And I'm still single! * thumbs up *
