The Legend Of Sorrow Creek

Here we are again, folks. Back one more time to Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 8. Up on the block this time is “The Legend Of Sorrow Creek” which stars... no one I've ever heard of and is only 74 minutes long making it the shortest movie on the disk. Yes, even “Last Vampire On Earth” was longer than this. Anyway, time to grab some rum and regret many of the choices in my life that have led me here.

[Editors note: I wrote this one when I'd had about 3 hours sleep in the 40 hours previous and hadn't eaten in about 15. This devolves into “Zombie Dearest” review levels of rambling by the end. You've been warned.]

      One thing I've noticed in all of these and in my own movie making experience, it's obviously pretty simple to do opening/closing credits really well. It's everything in between that tends to fall apart. Some screaming and whimpering and flashes of an old black and white picture then a girl running and reciting a prayer in an attempt to ward off the “unclean spirits” that are chasing her through the house I guess. Or are just in her mind, either or, but it looks like they might be for real since they're rattling door knobs. The spirits seem to have caught up to her since she's now ignoring the cries from her husband on the other side of the door that the house is on fire (silly crazy lady dropped a candle) and is stepping up on a stool to hang herself. After dropping a blood soaked knife so I'm guessing there used to be more than just her in the house. The husband has some fucking terrible lines and he is not good at delivering them. Thankfully that's all over, the title shows up and we're transported to modern times with some park ranger looking guy standing in a forest.

      Before we go any further, I have to point out that this is fucking terrible quality video on this one. It's almost too pixilated to see what's going on. I don't know what happened 'cause it was fine for that first scene but now... I assume it's leaves on the trees instead of large squares of different shades of green. The guy coming up to talk to the park ranger... probably has a face instead of pinkish looking blocks. This may end up being a deal breaker on if I can watch the rest of this if it doesn't clear up, it's seriously that bad. There are honestly $100 video cameras out there that take clearer videos (I know 'cause I used to have one). There's no excuse for this poor quality.

      So the guy that's coming up through the woods to talk to Mr. Forest Ranger (his name is Jonas... it's awesome that I got to make those two totally different song references for just this one guy, I hope he survives just 'cause of that) is some sort of professor or grad student or some researcher at a university (name of Daniel). He flat out says it's “rare [his] research comes in handy” so this guy is well on his way to a job at a bookstore when his studies are finished. Oh good, he's a sociology student writing his doctorate on the effect of local superstitions on abandoned communities. I think we may have found someone to take away the “I hate money or ever having nice things” award from the professor of ancient medieval cults in “Return To House On Haunted Hill” (yes I know that guy must have made some money since he had the “best treasure hunting equipment available”, but whatever).

      Now, in overly-pixilated form, we find out that, even after his condescending laugh when Jonas calls what he's studying “ghost towns”, Daniel doesn't really know dick all about this place and needs Jonas to explain it to him. I can't tell through the crappy video, but I bet Daniel has “smug asshole” as his default facial expression.

      And... now I have to backtrack on all of that 'cause, even though Daniel said he thought Jonas would know more since he was from the area, all Jonas gave was “everyone around here was told a story about the place to get them to stay out of the woods as kids” and Daniel goes on a historical rant ending with the place being fully abandoned in 1899. After that, in the 20s, a salvage crew from a neighbouring town went in but three were never found and the other was found dead, blah blah blah, standard spooky story stuff. I still can't get over how bad this video is (though it sometimes gets better which just pisses me off all the more that the rest of it is fucked up). Oh, one thing about this, I guess the legend has it that Sorrow Creek was “founded on the very spot where the devil fell through the earth on his way to hell”. That's actually a pretty good card to play in your low-budget horror movie. I can't think of anyone that's played that one before (and yes I'm being serious, I'm probably missing something obvious, but I can't think of any right now).

      Hmmm... guess the legend goes that crazy lady's husband cut her eyes out, hung her as a witch, then burned their home down before running off into the woods “never to be seen again”. A bit different from what we saw happen, but I guess history is written by the winners and/or the unclean spirits.

      Cut to a pair of idiots (the first shot of them has one with a fish hook through his hand and the other apologizing for it) and their attractive(ish) lady friends out in the forest by a creek (if you can imagine that). The guy with the hook through his hand is too much of a pussy to pull it out himself so one of the girls has to do it for him. They do something smart by saying he should disinfect it, but then follow it up by doing something really stupid by trying to head back to the cottage in an entirely different direction than the way they came because, as the blonde (haven't heard her name yet) said: “it took us over an hour to get her that way, I think it'll be quicker if we follow the river back”. Asked if she'd ever gone that way before, she replies “no, but...” and then the rest isn't important because it's a no and that's how you get lost in the woods. The brunette (Jessie) agrees with her so, since the two guys are idiots and also in relationships with these two (looks like the blonde is with the hook-er and Jessie is with the hook-ee), they go along with it. This is followed by many shots of random parts of the forest interspaced with shots of them walking. They are lost.

      Hook-ee is named Toby and apparently as well as having a brain problem (standing in a place where he can get stuck by a fishing lure) and a “being a man” problem (needing one of the girls to take said lure out of his hand), he also has a heart problem wherein if his heart rate gets too high he has to take medication to regulate it. This is likely important for later on. Also, I guess he's not dating/hasn't been dating Jessie for too long since she doesn't know this and it's for her benefit they're going through all of this. Hook-er's name is Dean, by the way.

      After stumbling on some ruins (hint: Sorrow Creek), we finally find out blonde is named Kayla. Jessie splits off from them to try and figure out something that was carved in one of the trees in the middle of the ruined village, and everybody else keeps going on their trail they've never been on to a cabin that's in the opposite direction. I'm honestly not sure who is being more stupid in this case. They do end up back at the cabin, though, so I guess that makes it Jessie since she went off on her own in a horror movie.

      Ugh, romantic sub-plot crap. Dean (I really want to keep calling him “hook-er”) does some round-a-bout shit with Kayla talking about their future kids “one day” and it goes back and forth with them almost getting engaged but not actually 'cause neither wants to say it first and blargh. And I guess Kayla is a wannabe writer. And... god is this crap boring. Start killing people already! Minor plot point: Kayla and Jessie are sisters. Start killing people! Side note: the crappy romantic music those two were listening to outside on a swing set (yes, that cliched) was actually coming from a stereo that Toby was listening to up on the porch by himself. Man-card: revoked.

      Hey, look at that. If I say it two times shit does start getting real in this movie. Jessie calls a phone that hasn't worked in years and is heard crying on the other end talking about someone/something being “all around her”, then she screams and the line goes dead. Toby tries to use the phone to call the police (it having been established before there's no cell service where they are... which also makes it odd Jessie used hers), but the line is dead. There are no animal noises or anything out in the woods. Holy crap, there's still almost an hour left and I've already written this much. Buckle up kids, this one could go into overtime.

      Kayla is freaking out a bit, but as Dean is trying to comfort her, he sees a figure walk by outside the window. Instead of thinking that it might be Jessie, they all make a break for the car because... everyone involved spooks easily? Turns out the keys are in Toby's room, though so no quick escape and someone has to go back. Shame about that, actually, 'cause it turns out not to be Jessie but a guy in overalls and a flannel shirt with what... appears to be... a bucket over his head (the pixels, they are enormous!). Aside from it obviously being some brand new clothes, it's supposed to be crazy lady's husband from the start 'cause you caught a flash of him wearing this same get-up. Again, even though he disappeared in 1899 and this is over a hundred years later, he's still wearing stuff that people would nowadays.

      I just noticed something. Why are the goddamn headlights working if they don't have the keys in the car? My cars headlights stay on for a bit after I take the keys out, but this time they didn't even put the keys in there so that's no excuse. And it's not like I'm mistaking the lighting as something else, they are actively trying to make it look like it's the headlights lighting up... garbage-bag head? Seriously, poor quality film making on two accounts in this scene.

      Oh for fuck's sake. It's just his hair and he was facing the other way. Fuck this video quality.

      Dean actually comes up with a half decent plan (as long as you overlook the fact that they're freaking out over some guy wandering around on their property and skip over “hey, let's see what's up with him” straight to “flip the fuck out and lose our shit”) and they try to put it into action. It doesn't go so good because suddenly something happens to Dean and he wanders away from the cabin (where the car keys are) down the road. Toby, sitting in the car as back-up in case something happens, decides “not yet” because he's scared. That's not the reason he gives, but given what we've seen, that's what I'm guessing it is. It's okay, though, since it turns out to be Jessie wandering out of the woods that spooked Dean into abandoning their plan. She, unfortunately, is cut up on her back like 73 times (something Daniel said the one body from the 20s salvage team was found to be).

      Toby's found some old parchment in his room after getting the keys. Wisely, he decides not to fuck with it, puts it back and leaves. Husband is outside the window looking in for this, of course.

      Armed with the keys and a need to get Jessie to the hospital, they instead decide to have Kayla talk to her for a while. Jessie starts screaming to “make them stop”. At which point everyone else runs out of the room and decide that the best course of action is to lock the door rather than get the seriously injured and psychologically traumatized girl to a hospital.

      At this point I'd like to tell a story. Recently, while I was working, I happened to see a young deer, barely a hint of antlers on him, out in a field. As you know, deer are known to be skittish creatures, often running away from the slightest sound in case that sound may be a hunter or other predator. Evolution has made this an ingrained habit in the deer mind; it's better to run when you don't need to than stay and find yourself over-run by coyotes or shot by a hunter. This young deer I recently saw, was having none of that. He was not just standing in the field, frightened and alone (though he was alone from his own kind), he was not just willing to let the hunters and predators of the world chase him and force him to cower. He was going to take a stand. And, as Travis Sickle, Michael Douglas in “Falling Down”, and all others before him, this deer was going to fuck some shit up. There was a coyote in that field, but he wasn't the hunter in this case. Oh no, this coyote was on the run. This coyote, this mighty, deer-killing machine, bred for centuries to hunt prey such as this deer, was on the run. He was on the run from this lone deer barely sprouting antlers. That, my friends, is courage on the part of the deer. Courage to stand against nature and say “fuck you, I'm not taking this shit anymore”. Why do I bring this up, you ask? Because, these three young, able-bodied 20-something characters in this movie, when faced with any situation at all, not even one slightly threatening mind you, show less courage than that buck who was only a few months old.

      Toby's heart is fucking him up, Kayla is running to get his meds, and Dean is trying with all his might to keep a bedroom door closed to keep a screaming and crying girl who is basically bedridden by her injuries locked inside. If a few ballsy deer ever see this, we as a species are all fucked.

      Jessie stops screaming and Dean decides to open the door to check on her. Remember when I called these two guys idiots? I'm not saying he shouldn't be opening the door to try and help her. I'm just saying that, given that he's already fully committed to “she's fucking crazy, we need to lock her away instead of take her to a hospital”, he should stick with that or not have made that call in the first place. Jessie seems passed out, though (likely from loss of blood), so no harm no foul. Except for with Toby and Kayla since she “gave him too many pills” and now his heart rate is too slow. Fucking stupid people in this movie. Toby wants to go to sleep and, since the guy with a slow heart rate who may die from going to sleep is probably the best judge, Dean and Kayla decide to let him. At this point I don't think any supernatural force has to do anything, these idiots will all die over the weekend on their own.

      There is some shady logic going on in this next scene. I can't make sense of it and Dean's trying to explain it in calm, soothing terms so that drunks and/or traumatized almost-fiance's will buy into it. Still not buying it, Dean, you gotta step it up a notch.

      He doesn't, some time passes, they fall asleep on the couch, and Jessie gets out of bed. She stumbles through the hallway as if she's someone that's lost a lot of blood, tries to get into Toby's room (hey, even the satanically possessed and/or cursed need to get laid every once in a while) but can't, and then stumbles down the hallway towards the living room. Worth noting: at this point I can't tell if she's supposed to look like a zombie or if she's just shuffling as a regularly possessed person. The pixels make it hard to tell what level of make-up went into this scene.

      Whoops, looks like it wasn't Toby's door she tried the first time 'cause door number two is actually his room and now she's standing over his sleeping/dead body. He's just sleeping 'cause he wakes up in time to see her grab a conveniently placed cleaver and start slashing up his back. The others get there in time to see her finish off Toby, then wake her out of her trance long enough that she realizes what she's done. She then slits her own throat in front of her sister and we get to see Kayla cry into Dean's shoulder some more while Dean cries over her back. This has seriously been every other scene since they first realized Jessie wasn't there.

      After some more crying, Dean goes into Toby's room to see the bodies and make sure they're dead. This results in more crying on his part. It also leaves Kayla alone to have the Husband walk by in the background. More crying and (in a case of “seriously, have you never seen any crime show ever?”) Dean hugs/moves/the bodies/otherwise incriminates himself all the while crying even more. I... I think the people that made this movie think that 'crying = acting'. Oh, okay, I get it. Dean was going in there to grab the keys from Toby's body so he and Kayla could leave. Still doesn't explain all the crying. Suck it up, princess, there's shit to be done to keep you and your woman from joining those two. Tears are for later when you're trying to turn this whole thing into comfort sex.

      Dean and Kayla try to make a break for it. It doesn't go well because the car is now in several pieces (which, added together, would not be enough to equal a full car) on the lawn. This ends in more “acting” on both their parts as they cower in a corner of the kitchen. Dean gets mad. You wouldn't like him when he's mad... 'cause it means he cries some more. Kayla comes to the conclusion that it was “that place in the woods” and this all happened because they let Jessie stay there on her own.

      After some more crying, they remember there's a boat. But it needs gas. But there might be some in the shed. But Kayla doesn't want to be alone so they both have to go for it together. Then it turns out there's almost no gas left. But it might be enough. Too bad Dean spills it when he knocks over/cuts himself (it's hard to see, fucking pixels) on a chainsaw after seeing the ghost of a woman with her eyes gouged out.

      Turns out it was a cut from the chainsaw. To his leg. And less severe than road rash or falling on a little bit of gravel. This caused him to drop the gas can they needed to escape, need to be helped inside the cabin, and also need to be bandaged up more than any action hero who'd been shot ten times would need. All while crying. Seriously: when bad-ass deer see this movie, we are all fucked.

      Oh god, now there's even more crying. Like two minutes straight of crying before Kayla “hears something” and goes to check outside. Dean wants her to stay and cry some more, but she's all cried out (for a couple minutes at least) and goes out to see the swing swinging by itself and a purse hanging on the door. Turns out it was Jessie's purse and this is enough to set both of them off crying again. Dean gives a bit of sound advice by trying to tell Kayla to run for help because “whoever out there knows [Dean & Kayla are] trapped”. After some crying and her all but accepting his almost proposal, she runs off into the woods. Dean then opens up Jessie's purse to find the markings she found on the trees and a digital camera that was never mentioned before now. Whatever, let's see what she got pictures of before all this started.

      Pretty standard stuff. Pictures of the group, Dean cries over it, etc etc... some shadowy figure in the middle of the trees, a ghostly figure of a hanged woman, some more shadows you can't make out 'cause the picture is so fucking pixilated, and we're on to Kayla running down a road. She is on a road. And looking into the forest to try and find which way to go to get help. She is not following the paved road to town, she is looking into the woods from where she came. At this point the ghostly woman showing up should probably just take her out of her misery since she's too dumb to live. Ghost Husband shows up to help Ghost Wife, but Kayla manages to escape since fortune smiles on fools and small children... or however that saying goes. She's fucking stupid is what I'm getting at.

      Back in the cabin nothing is happening. That doesn't stop Dean from trying to hobble away from the stairs and out the back door even though his leg is perfectly fine (despite what the bandage would have you believe) and, I repeat, there is nothing going on in the cabin. He does manage to crawl out to the shed that is now apparently attached to the back porch of the house, but then does nothing but look around like a dumb human caught in the headlights. He does manage to find more gas for the boat... when he knocks it over on himself and into his eyes. This leads to a figure showing up, the screen going black, and the sound of the wrench Dean had grabbed (or something) hitting something flesh sounding.

      Now back to “Survival of the... Fittest? Part 2” with Kayla wondering around the woods, finding... some sort of wooden coffin-like structure, climbing in, and then placing the lid back over top of herself. Of course some shadows flick across the top where the light is coming in and she has to cover her mouth to keep from “acting”. Spikes start being driven into the top of her hidey-coffin, and she starts “acting” again. Then the spikes stop for a while and there are some other sounds of movement. Almost like the boat (I assume it was supposed to be a rowboat) she was in was being cast out into the lake. Which it was. She does manage to get out, though. Although without any reason or even any suspense that she might not since it was literally “she's trapped and being pushed out to sea... her head is popping up outside the boat!” and that's it. My buddy Ian described “Wagons East”, which Chris Farley died making (as I'm led to believe or at least vaguely remember) as: “oh look, we're almost there...! ...We're there!” But that's because the guy died and you couldn't finish the rest of the movie (again, may just be pulling this out of my ass, I have been drinking after all), this time it's just “oh, she might not survive...! ...She survived!” for no reason. Anyway, nine minutes left and she's feeling her way through the forest. With weird noises going on. Then she falls down and finds... the ruins of Sorrow Creek like they did plus a bag hanging on a tree. The bag is leaking blood and then...

      She drops the flashlight and there's a voice over like there was at the end of the opening credits scene, the sound of a knife slicing out eyeballs again, and Kayla putting her newly carved out eyes into the bag and hanging it back up before taking a noose out of frame. Some moths flicker around and then the “shock” of Kayla's feet swinging after she hangs herself.

      Now, the answer to the question I've been asking, what the fuck were Daniel and Mr. Forest Ranger My Name Is Jonas involved in this movie for? Turns out they found Kayla's body but none of the other three (...just like the four man crew in the 20s...) after the cabin burned down (...just like the home of crazy wife and husband...) the week before. And...

      I actually shouldn't make fun of this ending. It's actually pretty good. The movie itself, technical difficulties and ridiculous amounts of crying aside, was pretty good. It really could have used the extra 16 or so minutes to establish reasons for them to be so scared and everything, but this surprised me. Once you get beyond the crappy video quality and the fact they cut out a lot of the build up that would really make it a much better movie, it's not bad. For all my bitching about there being too much crying, the acting was half decent and it was generally better than I expected after that first scene. I'd say somebody should pull an “Evil Dead” on this one and remake the same movie but with a bigger budget and a more fleshed out plot. I don't see a Bruce Campbell in this cast, but you never know. Best of the collection so far.