So, months later, I'm finally back for some more drunken ramblings about movies no one else has ever heard of. This time I'm leaving the suggestions, although I'll need to get back to those with the Christopher Walken movie “McBain” that even predates the Simpsons character of that name, the Burt Reynolds one “The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing”, and the almost as ridiculously titled “Hell Comes To Frogtown”. Why would I be turning down such prime examples of terrible movies? Because I found another Midnight Horror 8 movie collection! This time Volume 8 which is, presumably, filled with movies that didn't live up to the high standards set by “Decadent Evil” or any of the 5 volumes in between. So yeah, try and wrap your head around that concept. Anyway, on with the train wreck:
First on the block is “Room 33”. I should note that the movies on this collection actually have a couple names I recognize (more than just Tommy Chong and “hey, it's that dwarf actor from all those shows... what's his name?”), this movie, however, is not one of them. Although, looking at IMDB shows that two of the actors were on The Sarah Connor Chronicles at different points. Go figure. Anyway, on to the movie. The credits begin with a half-decent song playing over top of some fairly good credits even though they remind me a lot of the Mercy Me video by Alkaline Trio. This is cut with scenes of a bunch of people (three girls, one of whom has a Russian accent, and two guys) in a Mystery Machine knock-off van painted black. I guess a paedophile van would be the better comparison, but I'm guessing they're going for more of a Scooby-Doo thing than an abducting and raping small children kind of thing. At least I hope so. Given that “Meridian” played up rape as a good thing I'm hesitant to say one way or the other for any movie on these collections. The credits end and we see the van driving down an empty road somewhere in a forest where they come upon a crashed car with a guy and girl standing outside of it. It must have been a recent crash since the car is still smoking and it must have been a weird/lucky crash since the car is parked perfectly between four trees (granted one of the trees is against the front bumper, but otherwise spot-on park job) and doesn't look too damaged other than the smoke. As with all good horror movies (and all bad ones too), our heroes in the van pull over to help the people on the side of the road. The driver, after stopping mind you, tells everyone else to lock the doors because they may be “some kind of rapist slashers or something”. Sound horror movie reasoning if you forget the part where he intentionally stopped to help them before thinking of that possibility.
First on the block is “Room 33”. I should note that the movies on this collection actually have a couple names I recognize (more than just Tommy Chong and “hey, it's that dwarf actor from all those shows... what's his name?”), this movie, however, is not one of them. Although, looking at IMDB shows that two of the actors were on The Sarah Connor Chronicles at different points. Go figure. Anyway, on to the movie. The credits begin with a half-decent song playing over top of some fairly good credits even though they remind me a lot of the Mercy Me video by Alkaline Trio. This is cut with scenes of a bunch of people (three girls, one of whom has a Russian accent, and two guys) in a Mystery Machine knock-off van painted black. I guess a paedophile van would be the better comparison, but I'm guessing they're going for more of a Scooby-Doo thing than an abducting and raping small children kind of thing. At least I hope so. Given that “Meridian” played up rape as a good thing I'm hesitant to say one way or the other for any movie on these collections. The credits end and we see the van driving down an empty road somewhere in a forest where they come upon a crashed car with a guy and girl standing outside of it. It must have been a recent crash since the car is still smoking and it must have been a weird/lucky crash since the car is parked perfectly between four trees (granted one of the trees is against the front bumper, but otherwise spot-on park job) and doesn't look too damaged other than the smoke. As with all good horror movies (and all bad ones too), our heroes in the van pull over to help the people on the side of the road. The driver, after stopping mind you, tells everyone else to lock the doors because they may be “some kind of rapist slashers or something”. Sound horror movie reasoning if you forget the part where he intentionally stopped to help them before thinking of that possibility.
Building on the Scooby-Doo thing, the driver is a goofy looking obvious stoner, so he's Shaggy, the guy from the “crashed” car is a preppy douchebag looking college kid so he's obviously Fred making the girl with him Daphne, the other guy in the van is even goofier looking than Shaggy so I'm going to assume he's Scooby-Doo, and the three girls in the van... are all hot versions of Velma? Okay, this one doesn't hold up as well as the “Evil Bong” one did, but it at least has a van.
The rapist/slasher theory aside, they decide to give the college kids a ride to the next town. The non-Russian blonde pipes in with (what I assume is supposed to be) a street-wise New York style accent and a sarcastic comment showing that she's the resident bad-ass of the crew. The van drives along and we see that the car actually is a bit messed up so college boy may need to work on his parking a bit. They get to talking in the back of the van and he says the accident happened because he “swerved to avoid a... [cut to some quick flashes of a guy in black and something dripping blood] something. It must have been a deer.” If you'll please note, a man standing in the road and a deer look not very similar at all. His girl doesn't think so and New York Blonde for some reason takes an instant dislike to her. Also, you can totally see that the Brunette in the van wants to jump College Boy even if it's in front of everyone else. It's now that we find out these guys, well the girls anyway, are a roller derby team and they're on their way to a competition in Portland. I'm not an expert on such things, but doesn't a roller derby team need more than three players? Just a thought.
The peaceful trip down the road is interrupted by a fence across the road and a sign saying the road is closed. This is apparently news to the driver, who was too high to properly read the map I'm guessing. Things he was also too high to do: fill up the gas tank at the last town that was “80 or 90 miles back” because he figured they'd get to the next one just fine. Also, they have some pretty piss poor cell phone plans as they're out of the service area and have been for like two hours worth of driving. Bad writing to keep the plot going and isolate them? Probably, but I'll let it slide since there are more than a few places along the lines where I work that there's no cell service so areas like that do still exist. NYB gets another of her bad-ass lines in when, after Shaggy asks if she's got any ideas, she says her idea “starts with killing you and burying you in a shallow grave”. She's trying to walk that fine line between being a huge bitch and being just the kind of sarcastic “who gives a fuck” kind of girl that I'd really like to spend some time with. Although since this movie probably wasn't aimed directly at me, that's likely just a coincidence. Then college girl notices a driveway and Shaggy (who is very much a white guy, mind you) says in the most white-guy-trying-to-talk-like-a-black-guy way possible that there must be a house at the end of the driveway so they should go check it out. Again: goofy looking white guy, trying to talk like he's black. This is why I drink during these movies.
As they get out of the van, the Russian girl decides it's time to take off some clothes. False alarm, though, she's just stripping down to some shorts she had underneath and putting on her roller skates to go for a skate down the highway as everyone else goes looking for help. Splitting up in a horror movie already. Only good things can come from this, I'm sure.
There's some introductions, and we find out that Shaggy is the team's equipment manager “just hanging out in the hopes of getting lucky” (more NYB lines) and Scooby (who actually is black but doesn't try so hard to sound like it like Shaggy does) is the team's coach. The Russian, on her own already remember, is skating somewhere and hears some noises. Cut back to the rest of the group and they've heard something too, although it definitely sounds more like a scream than what Russian heard. College girl figures it's probably a moose since it's mating season, but NYB thinks it's an elk. College girl then lays down the knowledge by telling her elk are “indigenous to east of the Rockies”. NYB continues to hate on college girl.
Hey look, they've found a large abandoned building. Scooby, who has a perpetually dumbfounded and/or scared look on his face, thinks they should leave well enough alone and get out of there. He's probably (and by that I mean definitely) right but will likely get killed for not taking his own advice. Figuring it's an abandoned old folks home (do... do those even exist?) because of a sign college boy found, NYB smashes a window so they can get inside. As a friend of mine pointed out when we watched this (I cheated on this one and watched this once before reviewing it with a friend 'cause she likes watching terrible movies too... although completely sober which is something I don't understand): “why didn't they just try the door?” Sure it was probably locked, but they could have showed them at least trying it. Or, at the very least, one person climbing through the smashed window and opening the door for the others instead of all of them climbing through the broken glass. Which is what happens. As Julie pointed out, this isn't even a plot hole so much as just a logic hole. Anyway, as you might imagine, it's been decided that they're staying there for the night. Scooby doesn't like the idea one bit and is the only one to stay outside. This of course doesn't last as he gets spooked and ends up coming inside too. Before that (sorry, getting ahead of myself), we get some of the best/worst dialogue ever. Brunette, while saying she's up for spending the night in the abandoned “retirement home” says “it'll be kinda random”. Random. She actually said that. In a live action movie. In any movie that was not ReBoot. Seriously. She just used Reboot dialogue in real life. This has inspired me to try to make “alpha-numeric” catch on. Make it happen, internet! Oh yeah, then she wiggles her boobs at college boy and asks if anyone wants to help her get the stuff out of the van. A slutty girl that talks like she's in ReBoot (hopefully intentionally but probably not)? Move over NYB and college girl ('cause she's smart and throws it in people's faces when they're being stupid), I think I just found a new favourite in this movie. College boy goes for it, obviously, but then asks college girl if she's okay with it. Presumably if she's okay with staying there, but definitely if she's okay with him going off for a quicky with ReBoot. As they leave a figure walks across the doorway between the camera and everyone just so you know shit is going to be going down at some point. Oh yeah, and then they leave through the door. Not the broken window, but the door. That they could have used to let people in rather than everybody going through a window with broken glass everywhere. They find Scooby sitting outside ready to leave but, when he hears they plan on staying the night, he gives some more classic dialogue: “Hell no! This place ain't right, man! Can't you feel it?” It doesn't sound as funny when you just read it, but trust me, with the look on his face, it's comedy gold.
Shaggy (who is carrying a video camera), college girl, and NYB go exploring. Shaggy zooms in on college girl's ass just so everyone watching can see that it's a very nice ass. Gratuitous scenes without nudity... I don't know if the people making this understand the concept of low budget horror movies at all. NYB and college girl find some graffiti that is mostly foreshadowing about the place being evil, but also contains the gem “I eat dead babies for breakfast”. If that doesn't make you laugh in this context then I don't want to be your friend.
ReBoot and college boy get to the van and pick up the stuff they need for the night. ReBoot, who climbs into the back of the van making a point of sticking her ass in college boy's face, also makes a point of naming the booze and condoms as stuff they need to bring back. There isn't even any implied boning in this scene, but they do make sure to note that the back light has been accidentally left on so the battery will be dead by the time they need the van again. Oh yeah, and when they get back to the “old folks home” ReBoot is carrying the box of stuff and college boy is carrying... nothing. I'm actually starting to think they did fuck somewhere in the woods along the way otherwise they could have at least shown him carrying something on the way back. They meet Scooby again (this time he goes into the building with them) and tell him Russian must be somewhere on the road still skating since they didn't see her.
Now college girl finds some files that lead her to believe it's not an old folks home they're staying in, but a mental asylum. NYB then talks about a completely made up (as far as I know) urban legend about how they “used to feed the loonies human remains, body parts”. I've never heard that urban legend until now. Don't think about that for too long, though, as there's some creepy sounds going on that need investigating. Turns out it was just a mouse. Except it was also some other crazy bitch with a shovel that she swings at NYB's head. NYB ducks, crazy bitch realizes she isn't the one she was trying to attack, drops the shovel, and goes semi-catatonic underneath a sink. Something is afoot in this place. College girl tries to help crazy bitch and we're treated to some more quick cuts of out-of-context stuff that looks horror movie-ish. Scooby is freaked out again and wants to leave, NYB wants to “beat [crazy bitch's] ass” to try and make her talk, college girl wants to protect/help crazy bitch, everybody is confused as to what exactly is going on. To be fair: this isn't too bad of a movie so far. It's really formulaic, but it's not terrible.
Russian is lying in the middle of the road with her arms spread looking dead. Nope, just doing sit-ups for no reason I guess. Then she hears more sounds and skates off to investigate. She finds a guy dressed all in black standing by the side of the road and not responding when she asks if he's lost. Remember, she is part of a lost roller derby team trying to find their way to Portland. Shouldn't she be asking any number of different questions? Doesn't matter, his eyes go completely black (a sign of evil, obviously) and opens his mouth to scream as he advances on her. Crazy bitch is screaming and says “she's dead”. Not to ruin it for anybody, but yeah, that's the end of Russian. College guy starts to take control and make decisions for a group of people who he just met (and who were helping him, remember) a few hours before. NYB basically agrees with him, but then says “if [crazy bitch] comes near me again, I'll kill her” straight into Shaggy's camera. Nothing like leaving video evidence of you making a death threat. College boy continues to make decisions and tells them to split up and search the place while Scooby goes to look for Russian and college girl stays to try to help crazy bitch.
Randomly, a cop finds the crashed car. He meets the man in black and is killed. That is all.
Scooby, in his search for Russian, gets back to the van. He fails to notice the light on in the back, but does see the Man In Black in the rear view mirror. Obviously he's not there when Scooby gets out to look, but Scooby doesn't think anything of this, I guess, since he just walks off looking for Russian again.
Blah blah blah, they all decide that, since there might be a psycho killer around (crazy bitch said as much in her random bursts of speech) and they can't find Russian they're stuck staying in the asylum for the night and they'll take shifts as look-out. Shaggy, suddenly revealed to be an electronic “microphone master” (his exact words), hooks up the security cameras and gets them working. The search of the place continues, and then college boy comes to see ReBoot as she's looking out a window. ReBoot asks about how long college boy and college girl have been together in what is probably the most suggestive way possible. College boy takes the bait and say's that they're “not really together”. He's either been Friend-Zoned pretty damn hard but doesn't realize it, or is actually with her and is now just playing around. Either way, this entire scene has ReBoot taking the most seductive/slutty poses that can be allowed while keeping her clothes on and finishes with her saying “sometimes the answer is just a good lay”. College boy doesn't seem to know what to do, so he makes up an excuse about being worried about Russian and leaves. ReBoot is thoroughly disappointed and says something that even with pausing, rewinding, and watching at least five times I still can't catch but I'm guessing she calls him a name or questions his sexuality or something. Whatever it is, she remains twat swatted (if that's not the accepted term for the female equivalent of “cock-blocked” someone enlighten me as to what is) and the movie goes on.
Shaggy is busy watching the security cameras, college girl is still trying to talk to crazy bitch (who suddenly begins to talk with a man's voice), and NYB decides to strip down to her bra and panties. She then puts on shorts, shin guards, elbow pads, a helmet, but definitely not a shirt, and goes skating around. Again: I'm not sure the people making this movie understand the whole “B-movie” genre. They seem to get it half right and then take a left turn before actually giving out the T&A that crappy horror movies like this are known for.
Anyway, college boy tries to comfort college girl because she's distressed about crazy bitch suddenly having a different voice. It's terrible dialogue meeting terrible acting meeting “why don't you tell anybody else that some crazy shit just happened?” plot/logic holes. Shaggy then sees someone walking outside the fence on the security monitors but nobody else sees it and he can't tell what it was (though it clearly was a person). NYB is still in her bra and short shorts but is again being the toughest of the bunch. Also, she's still not wearing a shirt for no reason other than she's still not wearing a shirt. Oh yeah, it's only right now that Scooby tells everyone he “saw something” while he was out looking for Russian. NYB decides it's time to take the fight to whatever is out there, and goes out to the fence and calls on whatever is out there. Nothing happens so she decides there's nothing out there. They go inside to find that crazy bitch isn't hiding under the sink anymore and they start a search for her. Naturally everyone splits up.
Okay, I'm actually going to tap out at this point. The movie isn't terribly bad (yet) but I have to go to work in the morning so I can't spend much more time going through the second half of this so I'll try to sum it up from what I remember from the first viewing of it. Here goes:
They find crazy bitch, but she runs out into the woods. Everybody but Shaggy and NYB run after her. Scooby gets cold feet running through the woods after dark and tries to go back. On his way, he trips over Russian's body and sees that her eyes are ripped out. College girl and college guy find crazy bitch in a family camp site. All of the family are dead with their eyes ripped out. Everyone ends up back in the asylum, Scooby doesn't mention that Russian is dead except to say “a brother's got no business being in the woods”. Actual dialogue. Also, somewhere in here ReBoot says something else that made me think of ReBoot so I have no qualms about switching from calling her “brunette in the van” to “ReBoot”.
After all this, they send ReBoot to go skate back to the last town since she's the best skater. Scooby goes with her 'cause he's finally trying to follow his own advice about not staying there, but they get to the wrecked car, find the cop car, and run into the Man In Black. He kills Scooby but ReBoot gets away. Some other shit goes down at the asylum, and NYB says she has to pee. This is significant because there are obviously places in the building where she could do that (you know, restrooms), but she goes outside to piss behind some shack. As she's finishing, she hears something and, taking her trusty bat that she's had all along in this movie, swings first and asks questions later.
Too bad it turns out to be ReBoot that she hits in the head. NYB leaves her for dead and tries to walk away. “Tries” because she runs into college boy. She accuses him of trying to sneak a peak at her, and, while he tries to protest, she says it's okay and goes down to blow him. This time he doesn't walk away and I guess her ploy works 'cause he doesn't see ReBoot lying there with a brain injury.
Also, backtracking: A: I guess Scooby did say Russian was dead but only to Shaggy. B: before the 'ReBoot needs to skate to the last town' bit, they got out to the van and found the battery dead from their leaving the light on before. Minor plot points, I'm trying to be brief now, fuck off.
College girl goes searching based on crazy bitch's ramblings. Finds “Room 33” (which, as Julie said, turns out to be a series of rooms) and sees some classified documents that we never see. College boy is kinda sorry for hooking up with NYB but never actually says it, NYB is still pissed at herself for hitting her friend with a baseball bat and alludes to college girl about the hook-up (college girl makes a point of saying “he's not my boyfriend”), some other stuff goes on, blah blah blah.
To sum up the last half hour of the movie as quick as possible: They throw a bunch of crazy shit out there (adding another character, half-assedly trying to explain crazy bitch being crazy, etc), but end up with everyone dead except for ReBoot (who the paramedics haul away on a stretcher), Shaggy (who is just sitting there), and college girl. College girl is now possessed by the evil spirit that haunted crazy bitch. For literally no reason. Seriously, you think this review is abrupt in wrapping things up? Watch the end of this movie. There's about ten different threads they start on and then don't bother either explaining or tying up. It turns out crazy bitch's father was the head doctor at the asylum and he got killed by one of the patients and then came back and started killing people because crazy bitch had multiple personalities and her uncle (another random character introduced later on for no reason) tried to help her but ended up being killed by his dead brother while some random hillbilly killed college boy and then crazy bitch's dad killed NYB and everyone else except college girl who watched as crazy bitch jumped off the top of the building.
Yeah. Trying to read that run-on sentence of nonsense makes more sense than trying to watch the rest of the movie. They literally seem to have thrown every possible plot twist at their movie in hopes that one of them would make sense and/or finalize what was going on. They also seemed to forget that good movies explain the reasons behind what's happening. Either sober or drunk, I'm still left with the urge to punch someone involved with making this movie because seriously, what the fuck? Even given that crazy bitch's father was the Man In Black and his experiments with LSD (seriously, that's as close to a reason for him being a psychotic ghost as this movie gets) were behind her being schizophrenic (as close as I can think of to what she seemed without resorting to the “multiple personality disorder” movie catch-all) and/or him being able to spiritually survive being killed... Ugh. My head hurts just trying to explain all the ridiculous loose ends this movie leaves. There's nothing to say that college girl could somehow inherit crazy bitch's dad but that's what is shown as happening. There's nothing to say why crazy bitch's dad is still around killing people since... you know what? I'm done trying to make sense of this. It was a decent (not good, but decent) low budget movie for most of it's run time. At the end they just started throwing every random horror movie plot twist at a wall hoping something stuck and ended up leaving a whole bunch of crap unexplained.
The only reason to watch this movie? The random Reboot dialogue. And it actually wasn't just her saying “random” for no reason, there was some ridiculous dialogue at a different time that reminded me of ReBoot. Again, I hope the internet joins my cause and makes “Alpha-Numeric!” an expression we all start to say in real life. ReBoot is awesome. This movie is not.
