Friday 30 December 2011

Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid

Well, after basically a month of leaving this for dead for one reason or another, I'm finally back. This time with help from the internet! Shout-out to “Chuck Diesel” at the Leafs blog Pension Plan Puppets for linking me to this one 'cause there's no way I would have found it on my own and I will never forgive him for that. So now, everybody strap in for the 80s “classic” Zeisters! I know it doesn't sound that bad (weird, yes, but not bad per say), but it also goes by the far more ridiculous name (which is saying something) of “Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid”!
      For starters, I'm watching this online and it starts with a preview for itself. I'm not sure I have enough booze left in the house to make it through this movie. Next there's another preview for a version of Romeo & Juliet by “the director of The Toxic Avenger” (something they're apparently quite proud of) and has Lemmy from Motorhead in it and providing the music. Can't be much worse than the 80s skateboarding James Brolin Rome & Juliet called Thrashin' (that is an actual movie) and this one even seems to have a lesbian scene between Juliet and some random girl. I don't think they were too big on sticking with the characters and plot line of the source material considering... well pretty much everything that happens in this preview after it says it was based on Romeo & Juliet. Apparently Sublime also contributes music to this. What a mess. I'm just going to skip ahead to the actual movie but first I'll mention the next preview is of Sgt Kabuki-man, NYPD and rips off Michael Keaton's “I'm Batman” line. Now on to the full length train wreck.
      The opening scene has three guys, all 80s glasses and facial hair-ed up, laughing as they're standing in a church with a casket. A different room full of people are less enthused with whoever it is having died. Some shady “doctor”, although he may just be a drug dealer, is pushing various pills he's pulling out of his pockets on the fat one of the first three guys. There are too many Jewish stereotypes going on right now to name and we aren't even through the opening credits yet. The funeral ends with one of the three guys wife being pissed at him and the other two making obscene gestures at her as she drives off. Nothing but class.
      Up next is a scene in... some sort of acting class, I guess. I don't know, that's what I first thought when it cut to it but it's looking less like that and more like the guy brought a hooker to the backstage of a play. It's set in some warehouse and one of the guys from the start (Roger, it turns out) is dressed as a clown. His business partner comes in and bitches him out for not working so Roger sulks for a bit then gets around to weighing garbage bags worth of stuff. Side note, and probably what's least wrong with this movie: when he's recording the weight of whatever is in the bag, he says it's “27 pounds, 243 grams”. Pounds and grams are different systems of measurement. Yes I'm a nerd for pointing that out. That's also the complete end of the scene as we next see Roger waking up to a phone call and then getting out of an elevator in a totally different building, now dressed in a regular suit rather than the clown variety. The best part of this? He takes the elevator up to whatever floor, does a lap around the balcony, and then goes down some stairs to the floor below.
      I'm still not entirely sure what's going on here, as he's just gone into a room with someone he addresses as a judge and a few others and they tell him he's got too much time on his hands so they've found him a job. Was he not just at a job? Is he some spoiled rich kid living off a trust fund or some sort of conditional inheritance that these other people get to tell him he needs a job in order to keep receiving? Why can these people tell him what to do since he looks like he's about 35? None of these questions are answered and we go right to him showing up to work, walking into the boss's office, and announcing in his best “I can't act and that's why I'm in a movie called Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid” kind of way that “alright, [he's] here!” Naturally no one knows who he is.
      After that some other guy teaches him how to use a punch-clock and talks to him in a tone like he thinks Roger is mentally challenged before they start to go around showing what it is Roger's supposed to be doing. Also: damn wages in the 80s sucked. $3.80 an hour to start and the guy that's been there ten years is only making $7.20? I've worked some shit jobs in my time but that's pretty fucking bad. Hope a lot of that wealth trickles down quickly. He's also carrying around a cardboard box with the word “parts” written on it in marker at one point. Do you know of any company that just randomly labels boxes, in marker, with the generic word “parts”? Seems like that might lead to problems down the line.
      Anyway, it looks like he's decided to quit since he threw his coveralls in a dumpster, and now he's wearing a cowboy hat as he gets into his pick-up truck to leave. I will point out again for those that missed this: New York Jew, working in New Jersey, wearing a cowboy hat, driving a pick-up truck. I'm not sure if they were trying to counter some of the stereotypes from the first scene or just be a huge joke in itself with this one. Either way, he drives out to a “camp” which is referred to on its own sign as being for “retarded adults”. God bless the politically incorrect 80s. He sneaks in and finds one of the other guys from the start (his brother I assume, but I don't catch his name and can't be bothered to go back and check) and tells him that he needs a place to stay until his money situation gets sorted out. He then says he's really tired and asks if he can “sack out”. A term that I have a hard time believing was any less dirty in the 80s than it is now (although “busting makes me feel good” is in the Ghostbusters theme so who knows for sure). As if to illustrate that point even further, his brother is now standing in just his underwear telling Roger to “toss him a 'lude” to help him get back to sleep. “Sack out” indeed.
      The title character now makes his first appearance. As one of the other guys sleeping in the room, Roger steals Fat Guy's blanket, waking him up. Fat Guy plays it cool, though, and pretends to be asleep until Roger is all “sacked out” (I assume that's how you can use the term; either way he's asleep) and then steals Roger's briefcase that has all the drugs and whatever else in it. Not bad for a retarded adult. He takes the briefcase into the bathroom and starts looking through it. And by “looking through it” I mean he starts throwing handfuls of pills all over the floor. Then a bunch of other guys start to come in and soon enough it's a party in the bathroom and they're all playing with stuff from the briefcase. One's got a handful of pills to chop on, one has a gun so that's probably safe, and Fat Guy's got an electric razor and he's shaving his own head. Luckily, the brother (who is not a retarded adult but is just in charge of them and sleeping in the same room as them I guess) comes in to stop the madness. He bitches out Roger for leaving his shit lying around, and then Roger makes a Holocaust joke. While singing. Even given how stereotypical these guys are, I think even neo-Nazis are offended by this.
      Hey, you know what we were missing up till this point? An all-male group shower scene. Good thing the people behind this movie realized that too, otherwise we wouldn't have the scene where the camp director confronts them set in the showers. This results in the director kicking both brothers out... but not before they both speak and act in ways that would make you think they should both be there as patients. Oh, the other brother's name is Hugo, by the way. They finally mentioned it again. But yeah, as they're leaving, Fat Guy has stowed himself away in the back of the truck. Hilarity will no doubt ensue. Also, Roger says “zeisters” so they've mentioned the title. Still not sure what it means but he uses it like it's a curse of some kind.
After some really hasty and suspect logic, they tie Fat Guy to a tree and leave him there. Turns out they didn't tie him very well 'cause he breaks free pretty much instantly. If the stuff that's going on is meant to be the hilarity that ensued, it's falling pretty flat. Fat Guy attacks a gas station attendant and then there's some even more suspect logic which makes it seem like locking the attendant in the bathroom rather than letting him go is the smart thing to do to avoid jail (to them anyway, even after the booze I don't see how this makes any sense).
      Another fart joke and a change of clothes for Fat Guy later and they get to the other brother's (Harold) house. Harold is even fatter than Fat Guy. Not sure anyone making the movie was aware of that irony. Roger and Hugo go talk to their lawyer and, not surprisingly, he tells them to take Fat Guy back to the camp first thing in the morning. The problem with that is they left Fat Guy at Harold's and, by the time they get back, the place is a wreck. Harold, understandably, doesn't want anything to do with this mess, but the other two convince him that he needs to let them all stay for the night anyway. Hilarity was attempted, but did not ensue from any of this.
      The next scene has the Fat Guy sleeping on the floor between Roger and Hugo. Fat Guy, as you recall, was shaving his head earlier and has left himself with a patch on the top that, from the right angle, looks like it might be the beginning of a mohawk. He's also wearing an army coat in this scene. I can't help but think “wow, Travis Bickle really let himself go”. Anyway, back to the movie. Roger has a pegasus tattoo on his shoulder, and Fat Guy seems intrigued by this so he keeps poking at it until Roger wakes up and turns to look at him. They end up going out to get something to eat and Fat Guy eats too much too fast and ends up puking in the middle of the restaurant. Monty Python would be spinning in their graves if more than one of them were dead.
     They then go to a club where a band that sounds like the missing link between Stray Cats and Brian Setzer Orchestra minus any of the talent is playing. If anyone were to try and make up the worst looking band ever and have them play some rockabilly-style stuff, they would be hard pressed to top these guys. Naturally there's a keyboard player (it was the 80s after all, can't have a band without a keyboard or two) and he's trying way too fucking hard to look like he's contributing to the music. It's kinda like watching bass players nowadays. They try so hard and yet so few people care. Ha ha, the sax player thinks he's in the E Street Band. He's really not and is really, really white. Fat Guy seems to enjoy it, though, even playing air sax along with him. The performance ends and I guess Roger knows these guys since he and Fat Guy get backstage and are hanging out with the band. Notably absent from this scene are any drugs or groupies. Go figure.
      I guess it was just a mid-show break as the band gets back to playing their particular brand of third-rate rockabilly, but this time Fat Guy has come out of his shell. He's out on the dance floor flailing about like it's 20 years later and he's at a rave. And the people love him! He could have his choice of 80s chicks, but who does he go for? Why, a mohawk-sporting punk rock girl, that's who. He zeroes in on her, gives the creepiest “I'm not really gonna rape you... as long as you say yes” smiles ever, and she can't help but blush and look away. She's his. Doesn't amount to anything, though. The song ends and it's a cut to Fat Guy and Roger walking together in a park. It's at this point that Roger tries to train him like you would a dog. Also, there's about half an hour left and he's gone a lot less “nutzoid” than the title implies.
      We cut to the next morning where Harold, the fattest person in the picture I remind you, comes out of his room in just his underwear (try to get that mental picture out of your head) to find that it's just his two brothers sleeping together on the floor and Fat Guy has disappeared along with Roger's briefcase. We find both at a diner where Fat Guy is once again eating more than he can manage faster than he can handle. When it comes time to pay, he just throws down a bunch of bills causing the waitress to ask “are you crazy, mister?” Hilarious. He then gets in a cab and, when asked where he's going, pulls out a porn magazine and holds up a picture with two naked girls in it. I like his style.
      Having come to his destination, Fat Guy gets out of the cab but doesn't pay. The driver takes offence to this. Fat Guy throws the porn magazine at him. The driver (apparently) takes this as payment. Did the 80s really work like this? Anyway, the random porn store he was dropped off at being closed, Fat Guy then approaches a random woman standing on the sidewalk waiting for a cab. Why she didn't take the one he just got out of is a matter for further discussion that I won't go into. She doesn't take kindly to his advances (also worth noting, he's lost his shirt at this point so it's just pants, jacket, and a snazzy hat for Fat Guy) and slaps him.
      Next on his adventures, Fat Guy walks into the middle of an inter-racial marriage ceremony. That probably seemed pretty edgy at the time. He ends up hitting one of the over-age choir boys over the head with Roger's briefcase. This seems to cause a commotion in the church. A few people try to fight him, and that's when Fat Guy really goes nutzoid. The police, brought on by the random sidewalk woman, show up at this point as well. After a brief run, Fat Guy locks himself in a phone booth and covers his ears, refusing to come out. After the cop tries to talk him out, Fat Guy responds by pulling a wad of cash out of his pocket and putting it up to the booth window. At this point, the best part of this movie happens: the random sidewalk woman, upon seeing the cash, literally says “I didn't know he had money” with a look on her face like that made all the difference. A shirtless retard comes up to her out of the blue and dances in front of her on the sidewalk and all it takes is a bit of cash and everything is fine. Fantastic.
      Complete side note: by far the worst acting in this movie goes to the guy playing Hugo. He's like a poor attempt at a bad B-movie actor's portrayal of a terrible Woody Allen impersonator trying to act.
      As Fat Guy gets out of the phone booth and the brothers show up, the briefcase gets knocked open. The drugs on the sidewalk is fine, even in front of the cops I guess, but when Fat Guy picks up the gun, that's when people start to worry. Seriously, a briefcase full of drugs just opened up on the streets of New York and the five or six cops standing right there only start to care when the guy picks up the gun in a totally non-threatening manner. Fat Guy goes back in the phone booth and Roger tries to talk him out of it. When he does manage it, Roger makes the mistake of struggling with Fat Guy to try to get the gun. It goes off and the cops “drop the fat one”. Then Hugo runs in and does his “acting” about how terrible it is that someone could have shot someone that's mentally challenged. The irony in this being that, 25 years later, there are still people being executed (legally) in the U.S. Who are similarly handicapped.
      But yeah, enough politics for this blog. Fat Guy ends up in surgery getting repaired and Roger does his best to ensure infection by popping his head into the operating room (seriously? It's just a swinging door?) without a mask on. The best part: the nurse that kicks him out makes it sound like he's done this several times before. Why doesn't someone lock the door?
      Also, after some more heavy handed crap, it turns out there's an answer to why Roger was talking to a judge and they forced him to get a job. He's on parole for something. Why didn't I think of that at the start? Fuck I'm dumb sometimes. Anyway, in an interview room the next day, Roger and his business partner/lawyer are talking. I'd like to point out that, despite this being either a jail or a police station, no one bothers to actually close the door for the room they're talking in. Seriously, there's a good inch or two between the door and the jamb for the entire scene. Obviously the first order of business is to talk about Fat Guy rather than what got Roger in jail again, so that's what they do. Turns out he's being sent for psychiatric evaluation as possibly being “criminally insane”. I actually would like to know if that's a real term or if it's just used in movies and TV when they want to lock someone up and make it sound scary. This scene itself, by the way, is an exercise in who can fake laugh the longest and make it the most awkward for anyone foolish enough to still be watching. All they do is laugh and there is no goddamn reason for it.
      Cut to Hugo's apartment where Roger is apparently living now. Hugo comes back from work and, quite naturally, goes to take a piss. What's more than a little unnatural is when his brother Roger, who is wearing only a towel for reasons unknown, gets up and goes to stand in the bathroom doorway to watch him piss. All that aside, Roger is upset because he's the one that got Fat Guy put into the “nut house” so he drives up to whatever place Fat Guy is in and tries to visit him. The nurse is having none of that, but thankfully she turns away for a few seconds so Roger gets to sneak in and the nurse doesn't bother to ask questions about it because... well I don't even care anymore so why should she? Whatever the reason, he sneaks past her and then sneaks past some other attendants to the ward while one of them is telling a needlessly racist joke (in it's entirety: a black guy walks into a Cadillac dealer and the salesman comes up to him and says “so you're thinking of buying a Cadillac, huh?” and the black guy says “nope, I'm planning on buying a Cadillac, I'm thinking about pussy”. Why'd the guy have to be black?). It's also a good thing the key to secure wards in a mental hospital are left hanging on a string right outside the door otherwise this plan of Roger's might not work.
      Roger then finds Fat Guy (who for some reason needed to show his ass to the camera in this scene), and gives him the package that he'd brought with him: a Hulk action figure. It's then that Roger is discovered and dragged away. Life proceeds to go on as Roger goes back to the job he tried to quit before this wackiness started. He then proceeds to give $20,000 to the guy that was showing him around as a bribe so he would punch Roger's card in and out each day for a year. He then walks out and meets up with his crooked lawyer who tells him that there's a big score going down that night and all Roger has to do is be there to pick it up. Naturally, all Roger wants to talk about is Fat Guy. The lawyer doesn't like this but Roger tells him that he loves Fat Guy (like a brother I assume) and walks out on the prosperous career of drug dealing that his lawyer offered. Also, Roger family's last name is Morloch. Not really relevant but just figured I'd point out it serves the double purpose of sound Jewish and evoking images from The Time Machine. Seriously, every time I heard any of them referred to as “Morloch” I thought of blue monsters with yellow eyes.
      Aaaaannnnd it's at this point I'm going to stop commenting. The movie's last scene involves a helicopter assisted escape and Roger dressed like Che Guevara. Seriously. Nothing I can say would top that. None of this is explained, by the way. Apparently helicopter's are just lying around waiting to be rented in order to break mental patients out of their hospital. Granted a guy actually did escape a French prison by use of a helicopter, but in this case... wow. That's the end too, by the way. No thought of what happens afterwards when Roger realizes there's a reason Fat Guy was in a camp for “adult retards” to begin with, nothing. They escape and live happily ever after, I guess.
      Also, it's not “Hugo” at all, it's “Doogle” according to the credits. How could I have made that mistake? Although, considering the fat guy didn't really go “nutzoid” at all, I think we'll call it even between me and the people that made this movie. ...Although they might have the upper hand considering I sat through this whole thing.